Back Down This Road Again

Well, I've finally gained enough weight back that I'm feeling like I'm back to square one. I'm NOT, but I feel like it. So I decided to do something about it.

I met with my CF coach yesterday to do a body analysis and go over nutrition. I realized that I don't really know how to eat properly for the kind of working out that I do. Yes, I understand a balanced diet, but for weightlifting it's a bit different. Mainly, I need more protien... and to cut the junk I've been munching on lately.

So I have my calorie, protien, carb and fat intakes laid out for me. I'm using FitDay.com to keep track of what I eat. And I get my first cheat day on Dec 27. AFTER CHRISTMAS! ACK!!

I've also decided to go back to CF two days a week, in addition to the Olympic weightlifting. I've been biking lately and I enjoy it.. so I don't think I'll stop that. But I haven't been doing enough of it. And the Rec Center... forget it. I haven't been going.

My shoulder is still messed up, so that's keeping me from swimming for now. Hopefully I can start that up once I have a bit more strength in my shoulder. For now, I'm doing light exercises and not pushing myself AT ALL because if by the beginning of January I'm still in pain--SURGERY.

I'm going to take "before" pictures and post them in the next few days. (How embarassing.)

I've come to accept that the number on the scale can be whatever it is... The muscle weight is fine. I just want the fat gone. And there's more than I'd like to admit at this point. :(

Losing My Addiction

I haven't written in so long. Probably all of the people who I was worried about seeing this blog have completely forgotten that I have it. Hopefully anyway.

So. I've lost my addiction to working out. I don't like that. I feel myself slipping away, ever so slowly. Not just slipping away from working out, but from being healthy in general. I don't want to be fat again, though you could probably argue that I am already.

I'm so sad. I don't know what to so about it. I feel the fire periodically, but it's usually on days that I've already worked out (I just want to workout again), or on days when I cannot workout for whatever reason.

School has started back for the husband and kids and I find myself overloaded with things to do for everyone. I'm volunteering in one classroom, plus PTO stuff. I have 3 appointments a week -- two for my (still) injured shoulder and one for the shrink. Neither can be dropped. Not that those take much time, but when factoring in other things, it just adds up.

My workout schedule isn't set like it used to be anymore. The husband took over mornings and now I'm finding that I have to fit it into my regular day... and I'm just not. If I'm being 100% honest, I'm only working about 4 days a week and that's just weightlifting. For awhile, I was biking, but I've stopped that for some reason.

My depression isn't so hot lately either. I don't want to do anything, despite having so much to do. Then I wonder if it's b/c I have so much to do that my depression is worse.

Surprising

I hate that I see myself as being extremely overweight.

I just saw a picture of myself from this past weekend (actually, I was in the background of a video). It's apparent that I could lose some weight.. and that I've got a lot of chub and skin going on in the stomach area. But I don't look like I'm unfit or obese. In fact, I was surprised at how fit I look. Not like superstar fit... but for me, not so shabby, despite my weight gain.

The last is horrible. Alas.. it's reality.

Too Close To Home

I realize that I've been writing less and less lately. It's not that I don't have anything on my mind or anything to say. In fact, I have a lot on my mind and a lot to sday. But I guess I feel that too many people in my day to day life know about this blog and it makes me uneasy.

It's one thing to write how you feel and know people are reading. It's quite another to write how you feel and look someone in the eyes the next day!!

Weightlifting Meet

Yesterday was the Olympic Weightlifting competition. I have been meaning to post more about it prior, but we're in the middle of moving and life is just kind of upside down right now. Goodness knows I've had plenty of whining to do about it though!!

In the last 2 weeks leading up to the meet, I wasn't feeling so great about it. My form has been off since I started back after my shoulder injury. (That is so sports-like sounding.) My confidence wasn't there and I was having nightmares about a drama meet I went to in high school and SUCKED at. It brought up lots of thoughts of the Old Me and the New Me and if there really is a New Me or not. There have been lots of changes in me over the last few years and it hasn't been just losing weight.

So anyway. I had been super anxious about the meet. I spent the last week working on technique and my coach felt good about it all. Admittedly, I felt better once getting that work done, but I was still scared. I have the best coach though.. he's so patient with me.

The meet was better than I expected. I did ok.. Not great, but ok. You get 3 tries at each lift. For the snatch, lift 1 was 30kg and I got it. Lift 2 was 33kg and I missed. Lift 3 was a repeat at 33kg and I hit it, which was a PR.  In all honesty, it was the weights in kg that made me not even think about how much I was lifting. Turned out to be a good thing b/c I have had a mental block with a weight lately. For the clean & jerk, I got my first 2 lifts at 35kg and 39kg and failed my 3rd at 43kg (which was about 4lbs more than my PR before hurting my shoulder). Considering I spent a lot of time nursing my shoulder and not doing the lifts, I'm pleased with how I did. I even got a medal b/c I was the first (and only!) person in my age/weight class! Ha! Guess it pays to be old and chunky!

I really didn't think I'd do well with people watching me, but I was so intent on lifting the bar that it didn't phase me that much. My husband and kids missed the snatches, but it was cool to hear/see them when I did the c&js. Friends who came to cheer us on told me later that the kids were asking the hubby if I'm stronger than him now. Ha!

After the meet, I got home and fed and put the kids to bed while the hubby went out with a friend. It was fair... after all, he'd stepped up and taken care of them all day. But talk about a let down for a day as significant as that was for me. Friends went out, hubby went out and I went to bed. I did have pizza for dinner at least.

People Always Ask...

People always ask why I decided to lose weight. I can't ever give them an answer they like, so I've started saying it was b/c of the kids. It kind of was... But not the main reason. So today I found this, which explains exactly how it was:

Will Emotional Eating Ever Go Away?

Wow. I haven't written in forever. The hubby was gone for 3 weeks and just got back. I would love to say that it was an amazing time alone with the kids and we bonded and had a blast every day, but that would be a huge lie. In fact, there were quite a few days that left me feeling like I need to have a few drinks at the end of the day. Sometimes it was even before noon.

I also wish I could say that I've been a good mom lately, but I don't think that's the case either. I have raised my voice to the kids too many times and frankly, they're just plain getting on my nerves!! But we all survived. And we'll survive the summer.

We close on our house in less than a week. EEK! Scary and exciting and about damn time. I have absolutely no idea when we'll even move in though since we have a month before we have to be out of the crappy rental house.

At the beginning of the month, I started back to the Paleo thing. It's going ok, I guess. Some days are better than others. Being a stress eater doesn't help when your kids are being shits and you have no time to yourself though.

I had lost 5lbs, but now the scale batteries died. And who the hell buys batteries for a scale?!? Oh what a disposable world we live in. I WOULD buy batteries, but it takes me 5 tries when I weigh myself to get a number that's consistent, so out in the trash this scale goes!

My weightlifting coach has decided we need to all meet and discuss what kind of future plans we have with CrossFit and OLY. Eek!! I knew this day would be coming, but MAN!! I really want to talk to my CF coach about it first. blah.

Therapy has been going ok, I guess. It's hard. She gave me a book to read called Dance of Anger. It's probably a great book... I can identify with a lot of what the author is saying... Which is probably why I don't think it's so awesome! Ha! I went this morning and like every week, I ended up with a throbbing headache. Kinda sucks. And it makes me emotional, which makes me want to make bad decisions with my food. It sucks ass.

I have so much that I want to write but I just can't b/c of my darling little brats. Ahhhhhh!!!

Tears Today, None Tomorrow

Yesterday began with me waking up at 5:30am with both kids in bed with me. My back was completely soaked. I didn't think much of it at first since I've had bad dreams lately where I wake up sweaty. But no.. it wasn't sweat. I got friggin PEED ON. And the day went downhill from there. 

Today started out ok. The kids and I went to the gym early (7am) and they played and had fun. Watched the Team WOD and took pics (since I couldn't do it). Then everyone left to go have breakfast with a girl who is deploying. I was the last to leave... And my van wouldn't start. The kids had been playing in it and drained the battery completely. I cried. I called a friend and she rescued us. But man. Oh.. and today it's supposed to be 100. It was only 90 when we left, but DAMN. That's not exactly cool!

So tomorrow. It WILL be a good day. So will the rest of today. But all day tomorrow will be good and there will be no tears. 

I feel like I've shut down the last couple of days. I don't want to play with the kids. I want to just be ALONE. But even if I take a few minutes in another room or something, it's not really alone. 

I feel like a terrible mother. I'm not a fun mom. I don't like doing things constantly. I'm a homebody. But the kids get bored and then they get cranky. So either I try to keep them somewhat occupied, or we all go crazy. 

I was thinking how single moms have less of a hard time with this stuff than I am, but then I'm sure they had a rocky start, too. I'm sure that just as the kids and I are getting into a good groove, my husband will return from his 3 week trip. 

As I've mentioned many times, when I'm stressed I eat. Not good. At all. I should drink. Ha! 

Tomorrow will be a better day. No tears. No yelling (which I *think* hasn't happened today, and if it has, it's been minimal). 

Lonely

There have been times recently when I've felt really lonely... like I didn't have anyone to talk to. The hubby left earlier this week (for 3 weeks!!) and now the loneliness is really setting in. 

Today was the first day of summer break and I'm feeling so lonely that I just want to cry. All I want is a hug.  :( 

Dreaming

One thing I have been discovering over the last few weeks is that despite learning to try to control my negative thoughts, I can't do much about them when I'm sleeping. My dreams have gone from bad to worse. Makes me not want to go to sleep.

Fighting for Positive Thoughts

I'm sitting here on my butt surfing online and listening to old music I haven't heard in forever. I feel like I need to do something productive. I think blogging counts as that since I haven't done it in awhile!!

I've been making sure to go to my shrink appointments despite them giving me migraines each time I go. I think progress has been going well. I'm still working on not thinking bad thoughts. I think that not thinking bad thoughts and thinking good thoughts about myself are completely different things. I'm working on it though. It's getting easier to feel proud of myself or pleased with myself about things. I've tried really hard not not add "but" onto everything, too. THAT is hard for me.

Something happened yesterday that kinda shook me up and it's really stupid that it did. But it falls into this whole lacking self confidence crap. A friend of mine had a few too many drinks and called to tell me how much she's glad we're friends and how awesome she thinks I am. All I could think was, "but I'm NOT."  :( And I worry that I'll be a bad friend to her and hurt her somehow. I don't really know what is so awesome about me. :(  I honestly didn't know she liked me that much, despite that I really like her.. I thought she just tolerated me. But then, I think that about a lot of people. Kind of a crappy feeling. Guess that's something I need to work on, too.

I had a bit of a run-in with my weightlifting coach this week. I don't even know what to say about it other than it really got to me. Fortunately, he's a great guy and all is well.

I've finally realized that even if I focus on weightlifting, it has nothing to do with my loyalty to my CrossFit coach. I plan on continuing to do both and see how it goes. Right now I'm meeting with my Oly coach 3 times a week and doing CF three. Seems like a good compromise, though I want more. Makes me mad when people challenge my decision to cut back and not overdo it. I have a hard enough time not being hard on myself for not doing it all but for others to jump in and tell me that I should do more just makes me mad.

I told myself I was going to start a food log last week. And I did start. And then PMS came swooping in and killed it. Last night, I wanted ice cream so badly that I actually packed the kids up to go get some, even though they didn't want any. Proud moment. So I'll start that and stick to it. I've GOT to get some of this weight off. I know I'm gaining muscle, but Jesus. I need to lose the fat!! I feel so gross. :(

Ouch.

Last night I was cuddling with my daughter before bed and we were talking. It was a sweet conversation about how much she loves me. Somewhere along the way the topic changed and she made a comment that her friend's mom is skinny. I responded, "Yes, she is. She's SUPER skinny." She's a runner and VERY thin. My daughter's response?? "And you're SUPER FAT."

*sigh*

Clean & Jerk!

Today was a good gym day... I PR'd my clean & jerk and did 91lbs! At 93lbs, I dropped the bar on my head though, so I called it a day. (I'm fine! And it's actually not a terrible thing since it means that I was under the bar like I needed to be!)

Bear Crawls

I'm going to try to post positive thoughts as they come to me if I feel they're significant.*

Today at CF we had to do bear crawls. No matter who you are, you look stupid doing them. It's not natural. And for someone like me, it's REALLY not natural. What I've come to realize is this: despite having been active the last few years, it doesn't wipe away all of the years I led a basically sedentary life. It only makes sense for me to struggle with physical things after so much time doing nothing.

So what if I sucked at bear crawls today... I was able to do it, which is more than I could've said not that long ago.

I did make a comment today that was taken negatively, but I truly didn't mean it that way. I said that I'm a novice at CrossFit still. While I've definitely improved, I still have a long way to go. It's not being down on myself, it's the truth. And it's a welcomed challenge!! As far as ability is concerned, I am most definitely novice still.



*The problem with doing this is that once I write the thoughts out, it's a lot easier for me to discredit them. 

Positive Thoughts

When I began losing weight, I automatically assumed that once I'd lost it, my self confidence would be golden. It was--temporarily. Very temporarily. I also thought that I'd have an almost perfect body. I have no idea why I thought either of those things, but obviously they didn't happen.

This whole journey for losing weight has turned into a journey to find my happy self... To find where I fit into this whole thing called life and to accept things for what they are.

I thought my confidence issues had to do with my body image, but I'm not so sure that's all there is to it anymore. That stupid shrink has really gotten to me. It's hard to hear things she says, especially when they're valid. Like many people, she thought it was weird that I still see myself as the fat girl I used to be. (Still am??)

This next week, I'm supposed to make a conscious effort to thing positive thoughts. It sounds a LOT easier than it is, let me tell you. She asked if I journaled and I admitted to this blog... then she asked how many negative thoughts there were written each time.

I honestly have no idea how to keep the negative thoughts away. I really do want to change.. I want to be happy. I want to not feel sad or fat or like I don't matter.

I've decided that each day for the next week, I'm going to blog 5 positive thoughts--none of which will be followed with anything but that thought. No "but" or explanation as to why or why not those are or aren't legitimate. And I'm going to try hard not to repeat many. The further I get into it, the harder this is going to get, which is why I'm only doing 5 per day.


Friday's 5 Positive Things

1. My kids adore me.
2. I've made some pretty damn good friends in my life.
3. I busted my ass and lost a shitload of weight.
4. I have a good life.
5. I'm getting tons better at things physically.

Stupid Shit

This whole shrink thing BLOWS. So it's no secret that I have lots of negative thoughts. She understands that it's not something I CHOOSE to do, but it's just what I've had said to me and what I've just DONE for so long. This next week I'm supposed to make a deliberate effort to have positive thoughts.

How the hell am I supposed to have positive thoughts when I don't even realize that I'm having negative ones?? And if I'm not happy about how I look, what good is it going to do to lie to myself and say I look great???

She also said I'm submissive. Stupid heifer.

Blah. As if it isn't enough to deal with some shrink getting into my head, what does it make me want to do?? EAT, of course. Eat junk. It's a shame there's no junk at home and no hubby home to stay with the kids while I go get some.

Discouraging Comparison

This sure wasn't what I was expecting to see... I thought there would be more change.

October 2011                    May 2012
Click to see larger.

Decisions and Sore Muscles

I just went back and read my post from Friday. Really, when I said I'd make up for Friday's WOD not being as challenging as it could've been if I'd done it later in the day... I just meant I'd have a good workout on Saturday. Not a KILLER workout, which is what it was.

It began with 6am Olympic lifting. Then onto the Saturday Team WOD which spanked us all. I slept until 10am today after falling asleep on the couch at about 9pm (or earlier).

After the morning of brutality, the hubby, kids and I went to watch my old coach do his weightlifting thing. We met up with friends from the gym who lift, too (hi!!) and Coach G was there. Coach J is awesome. I've really missed him.

The whole day was kind of a rollercoaster for me as far as working out goes. O-lifting in the morning made me want to focus more on that. Then the Team WOD... it was INSANE. But the fact that I could do it well (enough) made me feel good about myself and want to keep up with CF. Then we went to the weightlifting match and it was really cool watching people lift, so then it kinda made me want to do that!

There's a meet on July 9 or something that I'd like to do. I think. I don't know... these people take it sooo seriously. I feel so silly sometimes when I to it!! And when I get I nervous, I laugh. I don't think the people there would care for that too much!!

There's GOT to be some sort of compromise in my routine. Lifting 2 days a week isn't going to cut it. And CrossFit stuff 5-6 days a week isn't going to work either. As it is, I'm struggling with that schedule. The only mornings I can lift are Wednesday and Saturday. My coach can't do days and I can't do evenings. MAYBE I might be able to talk the hubby into letting me do one evening a week, but it wouldn't be able to happen for at least a month. My coach does Tuesday evenings, but if I went then, it would knock out Wednesday morning.

I think that right now, I'm willing to knock CF down to 2-3 days a week and add more lifting in. But despite having an email composed to Coach G, I can't seem to click send. I know it doesn't mean I'm 100% committing myself. And it doesn't mean I'm giving up CF. It seems like a compromise to me, but I don't know...

Unrealistic Body Images

Graphics like these are all over Pinterest and Facebook and drive me absolutely INSANE.

Work hard and you will definitely see results. But it doesn't mean that everyone who works hard at losing weight and working out and being healthy is going to have a body like that!!

I know that images like that are meant to encourage people to get off their asses and workout, but for people like me, it's so discouraging. Never will I have a body like that. I guess that's ok... I mean, I'm not 100% ok with it, but whatcha going to do?? It'll never happen without massive amounts of plastic surgery and complete obsession with diet and exercise (like, WAY more than now). And scars.. oh the scars. (Which... I still want my arms done. But realistically, it'll never happen.)

I wish there would be more pics of thicker women (as I've stated before) doing things like this.

Just after I finished writing this, a clip from the CrossFit Regionals was posted on FaceBook and one of the judges was a bit "thicker". I THINK that the judges have to be CF certified coaches, but I'm not sure. Anyway, it was awesome to see her there.. until some dill hole had to make a comment about her weight (on the Facebook post). Makes me sad. But kudos to the CrossFit HQ people for deleting what that guy said... and looks as if they deleted him from their fan page as well.

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On the homefront:  Therapy blows. No wonder I've quit this shit so many times. Except this time, the lady just jumped right in and is already to the point that some took months to get to--and we've only met twice. I guess that's good, though usually this is the point when I quit because it's just a lot easier not to deal with it. Maybe this time will be the exception.. I really want to be a better and happier person. My kids deserve it.. And according to the shrink, I do, too.

Still plugging away at the gym. I swore that today I was going to go in the afternoon, but I was wide awake at 5am, so I went ahead and went in. Probably would've had a better workout this afternoon, but oh well. I'll make up for it tomorrow.

One thing I haven't posted about (only because the posts that I made while I was gone didn't post)... The husband is starting CrossFit!! I'm not really sure WHY but he is. Friends in NYC talked him into it and he said he'd do it for 3mo. He starts the fundamentals classes on Monday! (The fundamentals classes just teach you the basic moves and stuff so you don't kill yourself!) It's actually a pretty big sacrifice on my end b/c it's 5 nights of him not being home for dinner/bedtime. But if it means something we can do together--AWESOME! This weekend, he's actually going with me to a weightlifting competition to see my old CrossFit coach. Obviously, the kids are going, too. They love Coach J.

Another Day, Another Dollar

Soon the anxiety of going to the shrink is going to set in b/c it will mean that I can't just ignore what's going on. I go back today and I'm getting a little nervous. It's kind of weird pouring our all of your issues to someone you don't know.

Overall, I think I'm doing better. Since I decided that I'm not going to kill myself to make it to the box at 5:30am every day, I've only skipped one day (and I did the WOD later but at the Rec Center at school--which made it a lot easier). I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow... At this point, I think I'm going to go in the afternoon.

I had a realization the other day that kind of came from nowhere. I fit at CFMK. I belong there. I'm not some outsider. The people there are (mostly) my friends. And I can (mostly) do the WODs. Of course, I think most everyone can "mostly" do the WODs, too.
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And that right there just sucked all of the positive out of me. G'day.

A Cheery Update

The first counseling appointment always sucks. Not that I've been to tons of counselors, but the initial meeting that goes over every possible reason you may be as fucked up as you are... it just sucks. It feels like excuse after excuse of why I'm a crappy mother/wife/friend. I KNOW I need to just suck it up and get over it. I DO! But apparently it's just not that easy.

The lady seemed nice and got to the nitty gritty rather quickly. I hope that is a good sign.

Yesterday, I had a major meltdown and spent the rest of the day in a bit of a stupor. I had planned/wanted to cancel my appointment for today, but it was so bad that I just couldn't.

I've gotten a few texts/emails asking how I'm doing and people saying they're worried about me. Until yesterday, I didn't feel like there was anything bad enough to worry about really. And not that there REALLY is now, but I feel like I have been too close to the edge of losing control. And that's just not an option in my life.

As of now, my medications are staying the same and I'll be going to counseling once a week until things get under control. At least she didn't feel that I was worthy of  committing!! Or even seeing more than once a week. But thankfully, she thinks it's more important than every other week or monthly. Because I know that it is, which sucks admitting.

My eating is out of control and I don't even care. I didn't go to CrossFit today and I don't even care. I'm considering being a no-show tomorrow for my weightlifting coach/group (even knowing full well that one reads this blog).

Last night I slept almost 12 hours before my husband had to wake me. I could've slept more. If left to my own devices, I could probably sleep most of the day away and not so much because I'm tired. Knowing that scares the crap out of me.

As long as I'm writing, there's nothing to worry about. Promise. As hard as it is to admit there's a problem, doing so makes it easier to get a handle on.

Well Then!!

While I was gone, I tried making a few posts from my phone... looks as if none made it!

Stress!!

So much going on. My father-in-law passed away.  :(  I'm leaving today to go be with my husband and his family. My mom is going to watch the kids, but despite my request to come to KS to do it, she's fighting me on taking them back to Arkansas with her. It's causing me so much stress... rather, so much ADDITIONAL stress. Because I don't have enough to deal with as it is.

To add to it, I got a message from someone from high school on Facebook just now and about lost it.


You should give this body by vi a shot! It's AWESOME and with the amount u work out, it will fall off you. Just a thought! Trying to get my lil business off the ground lol! If you hear of anyone needing/wanting to lose weight PLS send them my way!! Thank you!



Thanks for telling me I need to lose weight! I REALLY appreciate that. People don't workout only to lose weight.

OK, yes, I know it's a plug for whatever stupid shit she's selling. But Jesus Fucking Christ!!!  She might as well have punched me in the gut.

Excluded

I'm feeling so excluded today.

Some of my closest friends are together in Tennessee in a cabin having an awesome time. Facebook is blowing up with posts of pics and videos showing how much fun they're having.

This morning was one the first little competition between people who I lift with. I had to miss it and missed a friend PR her clean & jerk! It would've been sooo awesome to see!

No CrossFit team WOD this morning b/c the little one has dance rehearsal. (And her dance "recital" is tonight.)

The husband was in Boston at a conference. Granted, this situation is a little different... He left early from the conference to see his father who is really, really sick.

Here I am at home with the kids. The older one is fighting off some bug and is cranky. The little one is bouncing off the walls because she's just crazy.

Yesterday I got the lucky task of telling the kids that their grandfather is dying. That was fun. And continues to be a blast with random questions being asked here and there. And not easy ones either. My son took the conversation in a totally different direction than I was expecting and began asking about my biological father (who passed away 2 years ago).

It was a tough day yesterday. And today doesn't seem like it'll be much different. The weather is supposed to get bad and I'm scared. After the whole swimming/not being able to breathe thing, my next fear is tornadoes. Silly? Maybe. But I'm scared. And I have to not be scared for the kids. (I haven't even told them yet b/c after telling them yesterday about their grandfather, I don't think they needed to deal with it.)

I'm just ready for this weekend to be over.

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due

I struggle with being positive about things (shocker!) but looking back over a post from the other day, I feel like I need to give myself a little bit of credit.

In the post where I did the 93# squat clean, I said I finished last with that day's WOD blah blah blah. Well yes, I did finish last. But! There was a reason I did. I struggle with push ups. I usually use my knees and sometimes use the bands. But on that particular day, I decided to do all real push ups. Obviously, that's going to make my time slower since they're really hard for me. So yeah, maybe I did come in last. And maybe I didn't finish in the 12 minutes. But I did do real push ups and I finished the WOD in 25min and change. (WOD: 12 Rounds w/ 3 deadlifts every 3 rounds:  5 pull ups, 10 push ups, 15 air squats.)  

So there are good and bad things and I can't just focus on the bad. I have to look at WHY sometimes... Did I do something with more weight? Or did I do something Rx that I couldn't before? Those things play into time and aren't to be discounted. Yes, I took a long time, but I did 50 gazillion push ups without going to my knees! OK, so 50 gazillion is a slight exaggeration. But just slight! (OK, OK.. it was 120. But still!)

(I just went back to look and saw that I wasn't the only one who didn't finish. There were some in the afternoon class who didn't also. I still had the worst time.)

Enough positive for now. It's making my head spin.

PRs Are Awesome.

My funk has not subsided, but today my spirits were lifted a bit when I hit 2 new PRs.

The first was a clean and jerk at 84#. Then I was pissed that I couldn't do 87#, so I decided to PR my clean (like I did the other day) and hit 100#. Triple digits, baby!!

I'm stuck at 68# for my snatch though.

One of the best things about it was that Coach M was there. I love hitting PRs when she's there b/c she gets so excited. She's missed my last 2 and it was such a bummer, especially with the box jumps.

Another Round of "Fake It Til You Make It"

Seems like my life is a constant state of faking it. I wonder if I'm the only one. Things happen that trigger my funks and it's hard to get back on track.

My body is tired from working out. I cannot take a break right now for the sake of my mind.
I'd like to break down and start counseling, but that seems unlikely to happen given that we live in a tiny town and no one seems to have openings. Maybe my medications aren't working as well as I thought. It seems like my moods cycle so much. Maybe I'm bipolar. I KID!! Actually, I think a lot of it is that I need better coping skills. Once upon a time, I just turned to food. I've found myself doing that for the last few days and I CANNOT go down that road again!! Drinking isn't an option. Nor is smoking. Looks like I just need to learn not to be such a whiny brat who takes everything so personally.
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A couple times lately I've been asked to help people with their own weightloss/workout issues and it's so hard! Things they're saying to me I've thought to myself and feel like a hypocrite for saying to them what I should be saying to myself. But! On the positive side, it's nice to know that I'm not alone.. And perhaps that by having to give peptalks it helps me as well. (It actually already has. Crazy. That positive bullshit stuff works. Shhhh...)

This afternoon I plan to take progress pictures and hope to God that they show an improvement in the way my body looks. I know it's not all about looks, but it does help to feel like you look better. 

Bitter and Sad

This is going to be a rough week for me. Several friends are going to be in Tennessee in the moutains this weekend in a cabin in the woods just hanging out and having fun. I was supposed to be there but I'm not going to be. Or I could be in Boston with the hubby, but that's not happening either. Instead, I'm stuck at home and can't even go to workout like I want to once he's gone.

I'm going to be at home and everyone else is going to get to have fun but me. I can't even workout. And yes, I know I sound like a child.
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In workout news... Yesterday, I was able to squat clean 93#. I was pretty excited about it. Today, I was the fat girl who finished last. Not just last, but there was a 20min time cap for 12 rounds and I was the only one who didn't finish the 12 rounds in that time. Go me!!!

Nothing Special, Just a Post

Going back over my last post, I realize that it lacks the sincerity that I felt about the call/texts.

I'm still struggling today. Yesterday I took a 2hr nap in hopes of feeling better. I wanted more than anything to stay in bed until it was time to get the kids, but it was the only time I had to go get Easter basket stuff without them. I guess it says something that I'm still able to get out of bed. I don't think that people who have never experienced depression realize how hard that can be sometimes.

I'm still  making it to workout, too. I may not do well and I may not be "there" when I'm doing things, but right now I'm trying to tell myself that getting there is what's important.

I'm officially  up 20lbs. That means I've only lost 70lbs total instead of the 90lbs I'd reached.  I get that muscle weighs more than fat, but it's no all muscle. Let's face it.. Anyone who can down brownie batter dipped Oreos can't use the excuse of muscle weighing more than fat.


Tomorrow is weightlifting early in the morning. Hopefully I'll do better than Wednesday. Then Sunday we're meeting again. Next week is going to be completely screwed up for working out and it's happening at the absolute worst time!! I just hope I come out of it ok. The hubby will be gone for several days and my regular routine will be impossible. Obviously I can't do mornings. But even evening CF classes are out (except maybe one day) because of other things going on. I worry that I'll say "fuck it" and take off the entire time he's gone. Never mind that I have a membership to the gym at school and I can go when they're both in school (only 2 of the days).

I still feel like staying in bed all day, but I've got too much shit to do. My parents are visiting this weekend and will be here in a few hours. My house is a pit. I hope to get it to the point where it looks like normal people live here. Oh the piles of clean, unfolded laundry.

Also tomorrow is a team workout with the other gym. I mentioned it to the hubby and he said we could do it. BUT. He thinks my parents and the kids should come watch. Because I LOOOOOVE being watched when I workout. Abso-fucking-lutely love it. So the question is: Do I do the WOD with the hubby since he's willing and deal with the on-lookers? Or do I not bother? I'd planned to not do it since I'm lifting before, but the fact that the hubby is willing to come makes me want to do it. Of course, I hate to get my hopes up and have it not happen whether it's because I'm too tired or because he decides not to. Stadium stairs and barbells just don't sound like a great time to me right now.

Feel the Love

Gotta love a phone call that begins:

"Did you get out of bed this morning? And workout? Did you take your meds?"

Texts proclaiming love are great, too.

100 Points For Me

On days like today, I wonder how the hell I'm allowed to care for other human beings when I can barely take care of myself. Thank God I'm able to meet their basic needs on days like today. I get points for that, right??? Hell, last night I was actually able to pull my head up above the surface to make cool little bunny shaped eggs for them for dinner. And then brownies. Of course, when I began dipping double stuffed golden Oreos in the leftover brownie batter, that probably wasn't a good thing. And I wonder why I have a weight problem. PMS and depression are a TERRIBLE combination. TERRIBLE.

Time to get the kiddo ready for school... which starts in 20 minutes. I guess I should revise my earlier statement to say BARELY meet their basic needs.

Struggling

I'm struggling to keep my head above the water today. I feel defeated by life. It's possible that I haven't taken my medicine properly lately, I just don't remember. I know today I took only one because I couldn't find the other bottle. I didn't take either yesterday. Not sure about the days before.

I want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep, but I can't. I shouldn't even be sitting down writing this, but I can't focus on what I'm supposed to be doing, so I thought it might help.

It's one of those days where I feel like I'm facing the world all alone.

One Breath At A Time

The problem with improving something you struggle with is that once you can do it ok, people expect you to keep improving. Sure, that's the goal most people have. But sometimes isn't it ok to just be able to do it a little?? Who cares how well you can swim!?!

Last night my swim coach decided that I'm not longer allowed to use any kind of floatation device even for warm up!! I've been using just the paddle/kickboard thing. But noooo.. not anymore.

Some people would be happy with that. But not me. Know why?? Because that makes me have to go to the next step: putting my head under water and swimming. I swear that I thought I was going to have a panic attack last night when I tried it while holding onto the kickboard! I think that once I was able to stay under for 3 seconds. As in, that was the LONGEST.

I'm pathetic. I know it. I can't help it. I'm terrified of not being able to breathe.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

I'm a worrier. I can't help it, I worry. Having kids made it worse.

Yesterday, I took my son to a birthday party. He played and had fun, but when it came time to do the cake and everything, he sat (with kids he didn't know) and remained quiet the rest of the time. He's such a sweet and  introverted child. It makes me hurt when I see that he wants to be part of something but just can't bring himself to take the step to do it.

His teacher swears up and down to me that socially he is fine. Yes, he's quiet, but he has friends and plays with other kids and all that jazz.

For the last few weeks, he's been testing for the gifted program here. (He tested into it in Texico, but has to be retested in Kansas. No biggie.) His math scores are great and they decided they want to put him into 2nd grade math (he's in 1st grade.. and the youngest at that). If it goes well, he'll go to 3rd grade math next year.

By doing this, he's going to be out of his regular classroom for 45min each morning. He'll miss his little math practice test they do each morning, as well as calendar time (which he says he hates) and 15min of language arts. His teacher is comfortable with him missing calendar time and part of language arts.

Obviously, I'm extremely proud of him. Extremely. Now, when he's in middle school and doing higher math than I've ever been able to do I might be annoyed! But right now, I think it's awesome!

He loves me.

Box Jumps!

It's been a bit of an interesting week with box jumps this week. One Wednesday, Coach G had me do some as part of my warm up and it didn't go so well.

Post Crash

 

I finished my warm up with the 3 I had left, then later that day went back in for Open Gym and did 10 more, just to get up on it again. I got up once on Thurs or Friday (can't remember which) and wasn't able (mentally) to do more.

Today I went for the Team WOD and had my ass handed to me. It seemed like others did as well, but holy shit did I suck. It's been awhile since I had to have others pull some of my share. Definitely not good for the ego.

Afterward I stuck around to do a few box jumps. The fear of crashing makes it HARD to get back up. But I did. Twenty-five times. At least, 25 times at 20". Then I decided that I wanted to go for a PR. I flipped the box over to the 24", had a bit of a stare down with it, then jumped my ass up on top! I even gave out a cry of joy, which NEVER happens! (It was kind of a bummer b/c Coach M is out of town and I feel like she should've seen me be excited. But I made sure to text her!)

Twenty-four inches on the box was one of my CrossFit Resolutions for the year! I'd gotten 23.5" on plates earlier this month, but wasn't able to get up on the 24" for the box. Getting my ass kicked by the Team WOD pissed me off and got me up on that today though!!

And just for a little visual, here's what the leg is looking like today:

Ew.

Fun Times!!

It's interesting to see the searches people do that end up reaching your blog. Someone searched for CrossFit and childbirth and linked to here from there. Of course, I had to repeat that search. And sure enough... my blog was listed a page in. I don't think it's exactly what people are wanting to read though b/c I was saying how the torture of childbirth ends and CF's torture keeps going! Ha!

Anyway! At the older child's school, we did a Flash Mob as an April Fool's joke yesterday. It was awesome so I thought I'd share!!

Trying To Be Invisible

This journey of mine sucks ass. It's so much easier to sit on your ass and be a fat person than it is to make an effort to make yourself better. People who are naturally thin don't realize how much of a struggle life is when you're overweight. But then, I've also known super skinny people who were completely unhealthy because they couldn't GAIN weight. That would suck, too. 

A few months ago, a coach at CF told me that I have douchebag shoulders, basically meaning I slouch. It irritated me big time. Growing up, my grandmother always commented on me standing up straight. Being the defiant little snot that I was, I would either ignore her or sit/stand up straight for a few seconds, at most. Arms folded, shoulders rounded... makes you feel smaller than you really are and almost makes you feel invisible. Of course, at my size there's nothing small about me. But I felt like it made me not seen. 

Now it's just natural for me. My shoulders are curved because of it and I'm always slouching. Yes, I know you look better and thinner if you don't slouch. But all of the insecurities I've had are still there. It's still rare that I feel confident. 

Let's see if I can work on my posture (again) and make it stick this time. Shoulders back get the boobs out and in turn, the pooch is hidden a bit more. You'd think that would be motivation enough.

Freak Out - Complete!

Why the hell am I even thinking about quitting CrossFit?!!? Seriously.. Lack of sleep does some crazy things to your brain!!

I love my husband, but one thing he taught me years ago was that I don't need him to be my own person. It's unfortunate that he's not supportive of CF, but I can't force him to be. I can only do what I need to do for myself.

I'm still unsure about the weightlifting. I meet with my coach this Wednesday then not again until next week (I assume) since he has a meet this weekend. Maybe once we get into a regular routine I'll have a better idea.

As for meeting new people from another gym and forming new relationships... Well, what's life if you don't ever put yourself out there? For way too many years I hid in fear of getting hurt or not being liked or whatever weird reason I thought was important at the time. But looking back, I see that I missed out on some great opportunities.


No one should sit back and watch life go by.

Too Much Thinking Is Not Good

Being left alone with my thoughts isn't always a good thing. Especially in the middle of the night when I'm trying to go back to sleep. Without fail, if I wake up to go to the bathroom, the wheels in my head start turning and it takes forever to fall asleep again.


Tonight I was thinking about CrossFit (surprise!) and what's next for me. There's a possibility of our box merging with another and I don't know what that would mean for everyone I workout with. I would understand if the owner does it, but would be very disappointed. And I'm not sure if I would continue with CF (depending on what the arrangements would be).

I'm an emotional person, I can't deny that. I know I tend to have knee jerk reactions to things, which is why I don't like to make decisions without a lot of thought.

Yesterday was the last CrossFit Open WOD. I had an awesome time. However. I was hoping the husband and kids would be there. When I left the house, I was expecting them to show up later. I was so excited. For my husband to come would've been huge. Except they didn't come. Even writing it now makes me cry. I was so upset and looked like a fool crying in front of people there. I just couldn't stop the tears. I was hoping that for just once he would be supportive and cheer me on for something that was important to me.

So last night, between the bad dreams of being left by my husband, I started thinking more about no longer doing CrossFit. If the whole CFMK family is going to split, do I have it in me to form new bonds with new people? I've heard how the other group doesn't like outsiders and that they're not nearly as supportive as what I'm used to unless it's for each other. Is it true though?

I also don't know what it would mean on the weightlifting front. I'm still uncertain of that as well, though I'm not as discouraged by it as I was. I haven't talked to Coach G since Saturday. I'm sure he's expecting some sort of communication from me when he gets to work today, but I haven't sent him any messages.

Maybe it's time for me to go back to a workout routine that doesn't involve needing the support of anyone. In Zumba, you don't need someone to cheer you on. You don't need a husband to be supportive, except when it comes to paying the gym membership each month. (On a side note... Any time I type a word with -ship in it, I always write -shit. Or even if I'm trying to write ship, apparently I go to shit first. What does that say about my potty mouth?!)

Lots to think about. Any thoughts are welcome.

Lack of Sleep = Sad and Discouraged

I hate change. Like seriously, I hate it. It scares the shit out of me and makes me want to turn and run away. I found out yesterday that Coach J will no longer be at CFMK. It's so sad. :(  I LOVE Coach M and am excited to see her back in the mornings again (her leaving mornings threw me for a major loop), but I will miss Coach J.

As with most of the coaches there, when he tells me I have done well at something, I know it's not bullshit. And today I really needed that, especially from him since he does a lot of Olympic lifting. Today was a weightlifting fundraiser at CFMK and I did it. The biggest girl there and lifted the least weight. Woot!

I felt TERRIBLE about how I did. Not so much the light weight, but that I just didn't do all that well with the clean & jerks. I'm sooo uncomfortable with them!! Not that I'm all that comfortable with the snatch either though.

So the way it worked today was that the person with the lightest weight went first. Moi! Yay! I figured that might happen, but what I didn't realize was that EVERYONE THERE WATCHES YOU! Seriously. All eyes are on the person lifting. I HATE being watched. (I hate a lot of things, don't I?) Everyone has 3 attempts at snatches, then it goes to clean & jerks (3 attempts as well). I was the first to go with that. But what made it worse than with the snatches was that I had a LOT more time to get anxious about it. And I bombed. It sucked.

I got home and told my husband that I do NOT want to do the weightlifting anymore. He told me I can't make that decision just yet because of a bad day. A few hours later and a pep talk from Coach J and I'm feeling better, but still unsure. The whole point of it is improving yourself and your skills. I get that. I really do.

When I started to do the clean and jerks, every cue I usually tell myself beforehand completely left my head. Over and over and over while we were on vacation I reminded myself of these things. Yet when I got there, I blanked. And tanked. And to make matters worse, I feel like I disappointed Coach G. I don't even know if he wants to work with me anymore or not.

Going into this today, my biggest issue was the weigh in. I don't like the scale to begin with, but the day after vacation?? I'm pretty certain that by Monday the scale won't hate me as much as it did today. Nothing like being all bloated and stuff and stepping on the scale. In front of people.
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Tomorrow is the last CrossFit Open workout. I'm feeling less than positive about that as well (not because of today, though that doesn't help). I'm sure I'll be the only one modifying. But at least I'm doing it, right?

What I need is a good night of sleep. I'm beat. I'm sure it'll help my body as well as my spirits. When I'm tired, I feel more sad and discouraged than normal. I recognize that, but it doesn't make me feel less sad about things. I have been so exhausted that I really don't even feel like I fit at CFMK anymore!! And that's a load of hooey (I think).

So here's to lots of sleep for me tonight!!

Phenomenal Cosmic Power, Itty Bitty Workout Space

No space to workout while you're on vacation?? Hmmmm... Below is a pic of where I had to do my 100 squats, 100 sit ups and 50 push ups. If I had been smart I would've put the suitcase under the sink (which I'll do for tomorrow), but alas, I wasn't.

I was wedged in there pretty tight, but I made it work. And I also set the alarm for 6am to get it done. With as poorly as I'm eating while we're on vacation, it's the least I can do to get this in!

How's the Weather?

We leave today for Disney and I've been stressing out for days about not working out while we're gone. The hubs gave his "approval" for me to work on my swimming, so I'll be doing that. I plan on getting some squats, sit ups, push ups, etc. in each day, too. Not sure how well that's going to go over, but whatever. If everyone is sitting around watching TV, it shouldn't be a big deal, right? One would think, anyway. But I know better.

Yesterday I had the longest conversation with a friend about Olympic weightlifting. It was awesome. I've never discussed it with anyone (outside of the gym) for that long. Typically when I'm having a conversation with someone about working out (and now lifting) it goes something like this:

Person: So what's been going on with you?
Me: The kids, blah blah blah.
Person: What about YOU though?
Me: Well, CrossFit blah blah...
Person: Uhhhh...
Me: And I've started doing weight lifting.
Person: Uhhh.. Bet you're getting big muscles. So how's the weather there???


That's an exaggeration for some, not so much for others. But yesterday... Yesterday my friend actually asked what exactly I'm doing with the weight lifting. I gave her my generic response and she persisted. The questions kept coming. It was awesome. I wish that people would realize that if I choose to tell them something, it's because it is important to me.

I love talking about working out. And my kids. I could talk about the kids and working out all day if you'd let me. The kid thing is covered... Tends to happen when most of your friends are mothers. But talking about working out, not so much.

So anyway! If I post anything in the next week it will be from my phone and short. I'm sure at some point I'll come across a thought that I'll need to get out. Right now though I have to hit the box one last time before we leave in a few hours!!

Ch-ch-changes

I'll give fair warning that this post contains a pic that shows a bit of my bare stomach.

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Nice, huh?? If only that was my stomach.


Anyway. So. I was trying clothes on today and getting really discouraged because my shorts from last summer (which fit just fine then) don't fit now. I grabbed a pair of capris that I bought in September and tried them on. Fresh out of the dryer they used to fit nicely, but always loosened up. Here is a pic of them fresh out of the wash today. I tried my best to cover my stomach as much as possible. No one needs to see that mess.

Sexy blue panties, huh?

Obviously these aren't going to Disney with us. I have to make an evening run to the mall to find something that fits. ACK! I finally found jeans, but it's going to be friggin hot as hell, so that's out. Unless I want to wear gym clothes the whole time, I need to go shopping. I hate clothes shopping.

Puzzles In Life

It's very frustrating for me that I get discouraged so easily. A certain look or something small someone says can make me change from confident to discouraged way too quickly. It isn't so much that I'm looking for someone to constantly tell me how good I am because I'm definitely not. That shit annoys me. But knowing I've disappointed someone or that something significant to me is blown off by another makes it hard for me to stay positive. Should I care what others think? Probably not. But I do. I try not to, but I do.

If you were to ask me what my worst fear is (aside from something happening to my family) I'd be quick to tell you that it's not being able to breathe, which explains why the whole swimming thing is a huge struggle for me! On Monday when I was able to swim 4 laps completely unassisted, it was HUGE for me. HUGE. I was so friggin excited that I actually texted my coaches and told them -- Coach M because she's the one who got me to thinking this was a good idea and Coach G because he's never really gotten to see that side of me since I'm usually pretty hard on myself (I did not just admit that).

Obviously it was something I wanted to share with my husband, too.  He seemed happy for me -- for a split second. Like, literally. The word "awesome!" came out of his mouth and then he was telling me we needed milk in the same breath.

I really hate sounding like a man/husband hater because I'm not. I love my husband. And I even like him (most of the time)! But when it comes to working out and exercise stuff, we just can't seem to find middle ground and it makes me sad. His lack of enthusiasm hurt and instantly I was over being excited. Less than 30min and the high was gone. Kind of a bummer because that high is such a great feeling.

Like any other hard part of life, this is a puzzle that I need to figure out how to solve. Well, puzzles -- my husband's lack of interest in something important to me (and how to handle it) and my issue with letting what others think/say/do get to me too easily.


On the workout front: I did the Open WOD 12.3 yesterday. I did an OK job. I could've done better, but I did it, which included 90 box jumps (not consecutive)!! I didn't bust my face or shins either! (The WOD was 18 minutes, as many rounds as possible: 15 box jumps, 12 push presses, 9 toes to bar, which I modified to basically a weird sit up. I got in 201 total reps! I won't mention how light I went on the push presses, m'kay?)

Today I met with Coach G for some weightlifting fun. I didn't leave feeling discouraged, which is a positive! I wouldn't say I feel great about it, but not feeling like it was pointless was nice! My mind is already turning to all the negative thoughts about the session, so I'm just not going to write more about it and go focus on something else! We meet again tomorrow, which is probably going to be my last workout before Disney. We're meeting in the evening so depending on how tired I am, I may or may not make it to class the next morning before we leave. I'm trying very hard to be more sensible about my workouts right now. I REALLY want to go to the morning WOD before meeting him tomorrow night, but I'm not. I just hope I'm not too tired to go Friday.


My face is still bruised, but it's on the mend.

Accomplishment

Tonight I swam 100yds. Completely unassisted. I did take a short breather at the end of each lap, but I did it.

My high is already gone less than half an hour later thanks to the response of my husband. But I felt like I should post it here.

So yeah. A few lessons in and I'm completely on my own. Something to feel accomplished about, I guess.

A Little of This, A Little of That

Exciting stuff going on in our house this week!! First off, we're buying a house!! We found a house over the weekend that we liked, made and offer blah blah blah and now we're under contract! WOO HOO!!

I'll be honest... I was hoping that at this point in our lives we'd be able to have a nice house than what we're getting. There's nothing wrong with it, it's just a modest house. But with our house in FL still ours. While it's rented out, it's still an expense we have. Sucks. I like the house though. I don't see it as our forever house, but can see us being in it for a long time. 

We actually won't  move until this summer. They needed a June possession, which is PERFECT for us since our lease ends in July. The inspection will be sometime this week. Fingers crossed that it all comes out ok!!

ALSO!! Friday we leave for Disney!! I realize that by posting it publicly we're announcing that our house will be vacant. But it won't. So there. 

I'm friggin STOKED. I don't know who is more excited.. me or the kids! I do have to admit.. I'm scared of what the pictures are going to look like compared to what they were last time we went a few years ago. I wasn't quite at my goal weight then, but I know I've gained back weight now.. I hope I don't look too chunky. 

We'll be gone for a week, which means a week off from working out. I don't care what anyone says, while we'll be walking around all day every day that we're there, it's not a workout. Last time we were there I gained 2lbs. I'm still surprised that was all! I have no intentions of being strict with my diet while we're there this time either. That scares me. But I want to enjoy our first vacation since the last time we went 3 years ago. (Seeing family doesn't count because that's just not a vacation.) I might have to take my running shoes though... 

Yesterday was the CrossFit Open WOD 12.3. I went unsure of whether or not I'd do it. I didn't. No one was scaling and I was so intimidated. Plus, after my face plant the other day, I'm nervous to jump. Not so much that I won't ever do it, but not in front of so many people. I was very disappointed that I chickened out, but looking back, I'd probably choose the same decision again. Next year I won't be able to play the newbie card, so I'll do it while I can! Ha!

BUT. I'm actually going to do the workout tomorrow. Super awesome Coach M is coming in to let me do it. I'm nervous, but when I busted my face the other day it was in front of her. So no worries on that front. I'm just nervous about doing it, period!! 

Here's a pic of my face from yesterday. I kinda like the green color part of the bruise! I was planning on getting my eyebrows done before our trip, but I'm not so sure anymore. Ouch. 

Oh. If I hear ONE MORE TIME that I'm too hard on myself, I'm going to SCREAM. Loudly! 

You've Gotta Fight For The Right

Since I've been on my journey for losing weight and being fit, I've come across many types of people... some who are accepting of me no matter what, some who aren't accepting at all and some who I win over after they get to know me.

I always have mixed feelings when I win someone over. If it's one thing you can say about me it's that I'm determined in what I do. I may be a chunky butt, but I'll be damned if I won't give it my all. Yes, I get discouraged. And yes, I know I'm not great. But when it comes to challenges, I'll face them head on -- with attitude. I like that I can win people over, but it's also kind of sucky that they don't just like me at first. (But then, I fully admit that I don't always like someone at first either.)

I woke up this morning and looked at today's WOD. In my plan for the next week, today was supposed to be my rest day. But yesterday I forgot to reset my alarm and didn't wake up. Yesterday would've been MUCH easier than today, though to be perfectly honest, I probably would've gone in today just to give it a shot.


800M Run
70x Air Squats
60x Sit Ups
50x KB Swings (55/35#)
40x Push Ups
30x Overhead KB Walking Lunges (15R/15L)
20x Broad Jumps (8/6 Foot)
10x Burpees

OK, so I didn't do overhead walking lunges. I just hung on dearly to that kettlebell and did my lunges. And my jumps... Let's be real. I can't jump 6ft. I can barely do 4ft. But that's about what I did. I ran the 800m in 5:12 and did the whole thing in 22:40. Not shabby for a fat girl. And I was only about a minute or minute and a half behind the others. (I realize that's a big gap, but whatever. I am comfortable with how I did! And there were only 4 of us.)

Today I realized that I've won over one of the people in the morning class. It didn't happen today, I just realized it today. During the run I got a "Good job" (everyone knows how I struggle with running and how much I LOATHE it... I'm quite verbal about it). Gotta admit that it made me feel all warm and fuzzy, as did the words of encouragement later on after this person had finished (LONG before me).

If it's one thing I'm very aware of, it's how people perceive me. I do not appear to be a "fit" person to someone walking down the street. Hell, I don't appear to be a "fit" person to someone who walks into the CrossFit gym. I am fully aware of the judgment I see in the eyes of others when they first meet me or find out that I do, in fact, workout. It isn't just now.. Here in Kansas. It's been something I've noticed since I started this journey. (And, of course, when I was way overweight, I noticed that people thought of me differently as well.)

I admit that I am a judgmental person. I try very hard not to be, mostly because I've found that every single thing I have judged others for has come back to bite me in the ass one way or another. That and I know how badly it stings to be judged.

In the fitness world, there is sooooo much judging of others, especially those not into working out. You hear many trainers say how they love helping people who really want to be helped. But how many of those people are they really willing to give an honest to goodness chance to change? I can go down the list of trainers who I've had and tell you exactly the ones who are great at what they do and the ones who seriously need to rethink what they're doing. While I understand that they may not be won over by someone right away and realize that they really do intend to change, each and every person needs to be given the benefit of the doubt when they go into making a life change such as losing weight and becoming healthy.

Before I met Lisa, I had tried many times to lose weight. I'd tried working with trainers, I'd tried doing it on my own. But each and every time I failed. As if it isn't hard enough to face those fears, each time I failed made it harder to start again the next time. But Lisa... Lisa is the type of trainer EVERY trainer should be. I won't lie and say that I never saw disappointed or disapproving looks from her. I did. She's human. But as long as I kept at it, she was with me all the way... She was with me before I ever REALLY made the commitment to change. I remember asking her when she realized that I was in it for the real deal and she knew right when it was -- and it wasn't a time that I would've told you was "it" for me... It was way before I realized it myself. And because I love her so much, here's a picture of us when she ran my first 5K with me (despite a 5K being chump change for her):

And because we're all sweaty and gross there, here's a cute pic of us together back when I was skinny (the drunk ones will not be posted):

It's hard for me to see trainers who look down their noses at overweight people and say they want to help those who really want to change. Every single person who starts out trying to lose weight -- even if it's just walking -- really intends to give it their all.

I've often wondered what it takes to be a good trainer. Obviously by nature some people are more accepting and patient, but that's rare. Is it personal experience they bring to the table? I know with Lisa that was part of it. I know with the first trainer I ever had it was that she had zero personal experience. That and she was a total judgmental bitch who scared me off from working out for years to come. (Yes, I have Lisa up on a pedestal -- when it comes to being a trainer. As a person, she's just like the rest of us. That's why I love her.) I'm not really sure what it takes, but I'm thankful for the good ones out there. And the others... hopefully one day they'll realize the harm they're causing by judging others before truly giving them a chance.

Raw Steak Anyone?

I'm looking less like a battered wife today, thank goodness. Wearing my hair down helps. Looking at me straight on it's hard to see, I think. I DO have concealer over it though, so it helps a little. These were taken about 5min ago.

  

I have this horrible problem with trying to get better at things. I go in every Wednesday to work on stuff I suck at.. lately it's been pull ups, but yesterday I did some jumping stuff, too. I have finally been able to do box jumps, but I still don't do them well. I jump... THUNK. Everyone else is all fancy and just kinda bounces up and down  like it's the easiest thing in the world. So yesterday I was working on the rebound. And... well... I guess I tripped or something because the next thing I knew I was face planted into the floor and Coach M was running for an ice pack. 

I think it's kind of funny. You know, since I didn't get hurt badly or anything. And since I don't look like Quasimoto. It takes serious grace to be able to pull off something like that!

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty...

Thanks to Beakman's World, we learned that the face has more blood vessels than any other part of the body which makes it heal more quickly. Here's hoping.

Pure Selfishness

This morning I had a bad weightlifting session. Things just weren't clicking and I wasn't doing well AT ALL. As I left, I cranked the radio in the car and sped home, completely frustrated and angry about it all. I even posted a status on Facebook about how it was going to be an angry music kind of day.

And then my friend responds. And then she IMs and asks what was wrong. My friend... who is facing the possibility of cancer... and is having to have her ovaries removed... ASKING ABOUT ME. Seriously?!? What the fuck?!?

How fucking ridiculous is it that I'm upset over a fucking weightlifting session that didn't go perfectly?? There are so many bigger issues that others have to face and here I am worrying about not being able to do a good snatch at fucking 6 o'clock in the morning.

I was almost in tears over my workout this morning... And now I'm in tears about my friend and what an amazing person she is and why she has to go through all of this. Life is unfair.

If You Can't Beat 'Em...

Tonight during bedtime cuddles, the kids got a major case of the giggles. They were already late to bed (dance night for Brynn always means a late dinner) and I was getting frustrated.

The Boy says to me in a soft but serious voice, obviously struggling to control his laughter, "Mommy, what if we CAN'T STOP laughing?"

Instantly I thought of times when I was a kid (or even adult) that no matter what was said, or sometimes not said, it was freaking hilarious. And no threats of punishment could stop those giggles from escaping. As I was about to explain that it happens to everyone from time to time, The Girl burst into giggles, followed by The Boy .... and really, when children laugh it can be extremely contagious.

I tried to maintain my composure. I really did. I tried to think of ways to get them to shut the hell up. But I lost it. And for several minutes, the three of us laughed and laughed and laughed at absolutely nothing. It was awesome.

Too often I let the frustrations of day to day life get in the way of having fun with my kids. This afternoon had been a stressful one full of fighting and fits. I did not feel like laughing. I wanted them in bed--asleep! But those laughs... those kids have the best laughs. It made those hours of frustration a distant memory. And as my husband got them water after the laugh fest, he commented on the looks of sheer joy on each of the kids' faces.

Sometimes being a mom sucks, I won't lie. But moments like that simply wipe the crappy stuff away.

A Visual

Today I got a PR (personal record) at CrossFit!! I'm f-ing STOKED about it!!

My only disappointment was that I didn't really have anyone to share the excitement with me. Since I've been able to do real box jumps, people are all "yeah, you got it.. what's the big deal?" How dare they have that faith in me! Sheesh!!

I wasn't able to get up on the 24" box today.  I'm waiting until an acceptable hour to text Coach M since she doesn't do the morning classes anymore.

This is a pic of the height I started with a few months ago and where I got today (23.5") 

(Yes, I realize this is pretty spastic. But that's me right now!!)

I Could Talk About CrossFit All Day!

Yesterday, someone from the Kinesiology Department at K-State came to CFMK for a focus group for a study they're doing. This particular component of the study focused on the CrossFit community. I am very opinionated about CF and obviously LOVE it. But I really didn't have it in my to answer some of the questions in front of everyone. Despite that most people there know my struggles, saying things out loud in a group is a hard thing for me to do! I talked to the person conducting the research before everything started and got the OK from her to email my responses.

SO! I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to do my "Why I Love CrossFit" post! Below are some of the questions and answers... I fleshed out and edited some of the answers a bit for y'all!

How did you start CF? How did you hear about it? 

When I found out we were moving to Kansas, I looked up gyms in the area. There was nothing like what I was used to so I started googling to find what there was. I was looking for bootcamp style workouts and came across CF. Later I found that some family friends were into CF. Once we moved here, a big gym had opened. Since I really liked spinning and Zumba and working with a personal trainer, I checked it out. I quickly found out that the Zumba sucked and wasn't pleased with how I was spoken to when trying to find a trainer. I'm not skinny and never will be. But having spent the last 3 years working out 2+ hours daily, I wanted a good workout. I like intense workouts and felt I was snubbed when I asked for an intense trainer. So I walked out and contacted CFMK that same day, not realizing that it wasn't exactly what I was expecting!

What did you expect to learn?

I didn't really go into it thinking I would learn anything. I expected a good workout. Maybe learn to do things better (form, etc.) but going into it I wasn't thinking of it as a learning experience. 

Why did you keep going to CF? 

I told myself that I'd do it for 6 months. After that, if I didn't like it, I could be done. I was TERRIBLE at everything, yet everyone acted like I was awesome -- all because I was trying. I'd never experienced that before. Even with the trainers I'd worked with previously, I would get discouraging looks when I couldn't do something. But the coaches and people in my classes at CFMK just cheered me on, telling me that I COULD do it, and if I really truly couldn't, they'd find something else for me and I'd be cheered on for that. It pissed me off that I couldn't do what everyone else could and I didn't want to disappoint myself or everyone else at CFMK.

What do you like most? 

The camaraderie and challenges of the workouts. The acceptance. The people. The atmosphere. The attitude. 

What would you change about CF? 

I wish that in CF would not focus on the successes of the skinny people, but show the thicker people as well. Everyone portrayed is skinny (and yes, I understand that athletes are typically thin) or you see stories about how CF has helped people lose weight. But what you don't see is those men and women who are very fit, but are just plain thick.. I don't mean fat, but built very solidly and are in great shape.

Why do people quit CF?

By what I've seen... 1 - Money. 2 - They don't give it a real chance. 3 - They get discouraged. 4 - They want to focus on something else (Olympic lifting is the one thing I've seen).  I think that when people get discouraged, they don't seek out help, they just run and don't look back. I've come close to quitting many times, but I knew I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I did, so I leaned on my friends/coaches. And posted lots of whiny blog posts!

What physical changes have you seen? 

Tons more strength. Bigger muscles. Less chub (though I've gone up in pants sizes). My body shape has changed. I feel thicker now, for sure. 

What injuries have you experienced?

I've had some sensitivity in my shoulder, but it's been there for awhile. CF has just exaggerated it. The coaches have been working with me on getting my upper body stronger as a result. I did sprain my ankle running TO CF once though! If anything, I've found that my aches and pains have improved dramatically. My knees don't hurt anymore. My back doesn't hurt. Except for my shoulder, my body has never felt better.

How has your self perception changed? 

This is a tough area for me. Self loathing is something that isn't new to me, but doing CF took it to a whole new level. For months, I would leave WODs frustrated and crying because I sucked so badly at everything. I spent years being the fat girl and had gotten beyond that, only to be right back at being that again. Everything was hard for me and that's no exaggeration. I hated myself because I couldn't do these things that everyone else could (despite knowing that they'd had plenty of athletic experience throughout their lives, unlike me). I hated how my body was changing. My scale was going up. My clothes were getting tighter. Everything I'd been working for seemed like it was slipping away. People would say they could see a change, but that scale wasn't showing it. And everyone always says that if the scale doesn't, then go by how your clothes are fitting. That wasn't working either.

Gradually it's gotten better. I'm seeing improvement on things that I could never EVER do before. Like box jumps! I'm proud of myself for fighting to be able to do things (better) than I could months ago. Everyone tells me I'm too hard on myself. And they're right to an extent. But that drives me to keep wanting to do better. I'm not always last anymore and that means a lot to me because I've busted my ass working on things so that I can get better. 

How do others in your life regard your CF participation?

My husband hates for me to talk about anything CF related (but has always been opposed to me quitting). My friends think I'm a bad ass, not realizing that I'm not that good. It's true. I'm really not that good. And I don't want any of that positive bullshit about how at least I keep doing it!!

What are your CF related goals? How did you set those goals?

I made a CF Resolutions list and emailed it to Megan. She worked with me on putting timeframes around each thing. My list is LONG. Box jumps. ONE unassisted pull up. Just one. Just that chin over that bar ONE time. Handstand (with the wall is fine but 100% on my own). Double under. L-sit. Paralette jumps. Push ups (no bands or knees). Rope climb. I have nightmares of elementary school and not being able to do these. I just want a short amount off the ground, I'm not asking for much!) Pistols. Improve form for Oly lifts. Improve time for certain WODs.  (Since making that list, I've been doing box jumps, paralette jumps, improved time on some WODs and been working on the others. And been working the the Oly coach.)

During a WOD, what do you focus on?

It depends on the day. Some days it's to not finish last. Some days it's to just get my reps in and not cheat. Some days it's to not collapse. Once it was to not run out the door and never come back. It greatly depends on the WOD. Lately, I've been focusing more on form than on time. 

How do you rate your CF abilities?

POOR!! They're still very much novice. 

How would you describe the culture?

I never in a million years thought that people who were so fit could be so accepting of someone who wasn't like them. The culture is amazing. Everyone is so supportive of each other. Over Christmas I went to an affiliate in SLC while visiting family. I was completely intimidated but all of the coaches (and the owner... Tommy Hackenbruck) were amazing. Just like at CFMK, as long as you bust your ass and do your best, you're golden in their eyes. It doesn't matter if you have to modify, it only matters that you give it your all. I'd always been told that, but had never experienced people who practiced that way of thinking. At UTE CrossFit, it helped me learn more how wonderful and supportive the culture is. Had I known who Hackenbruck was prior to visiting, I wouldn't have gone there. I'm very glad I didn't know because it gave me a more powerful acceptance of CF because here these people were (who had no idea of my downfalls or experiences) cheering me on like I was a champ. Sure, the people at CFMK did it, too... But I thought maybe I'd just found a golden nugget that I'd never find again (though I still believe that to be true). 

Another thing I've experienced with the culture is that it's very protective. Not just of CF in general, but of each other. In one instance, I was struggling with jumps when a new person came to cheer me on. She wasn't doing anything wrong, but she was new and a bit intense. Immediately one of the guys jumped in and essentially told her to back off and that I had it. It felt like a big brother putting his arm around me and protecting me. It coming from someone who I never expected it from made it that much more powerful.

I'm hesitant to post this along with the full thoughts behind it, mostly because I know it'll make me tear up. But here goes. It took me a long time to feel like I "belonged" at CFMK enough to buy and wear their t-shirts. (Nevermind the fact that people who don't even go there buy them and wear them.) I felt like I would embarrass them if people saw me wearing their stuff. But eventually, I got over that. Over the holidays, the coaches got hoodies. Boy did everyone want one!! So Coach M told us if we brought one in, she could have it printed for us. I looked and looked and looked for a sweatshirt I'd like and took it to her. She asked what I wanted on it and I told her that she could decide... it was whatever she wanted to be seen around town. 

When I got the sweatshirt back, I almost cried (well, I did later). It's a dark gray color and everything on it is pink (because she knows I love pink). The hood has a kettlebell and my name. The inside of the hood... This is where it gets me most... Has "No Positive Bullshit" inside it. Oh shit... here come the tears! And pics that wouldn't cooperate and line up all nice and pretty:

Front

Back

       

Outside Hood.

Inside Hood

She personalized it to ME. And threw in one of those "inside joke" things that makes people feel like they're extra special. And yes, it made me feel extra, extra special. Hell, when my husband saw it, I think it finally hit him that I DO fit in there. He was impressed, though he'd never say it. Either that or he was annoyed. Which could be possible since he's a money freak and I'm sure he was wondering how much I paid! or both.

What is unique about CF vs regular gyms?

The atmosphere is different in that, as I said before, as long as you're busting your ass, you're awesome. In a regular gym, no one even notices unless it's to notice if you've slimmed down or gained a few pounds. In Zumba, no one ever says to you, "your dancing is great!" Or in spinning, "great job on increasing that tension!" Or in weights classes, "way to go with moving up from 5lbs to 8lbs!" In CF, everyone is focused on themselves AND others. In regular gyms, people are only focused on themselves. Everyone likes to feel like they're noticed. At CF, you're always noticed (even if you try to hide in a corner like I do.. though that damn Coach J makes me get out of my corner now!!)

Anything else?

I didn't expect CF to be a mental workout as well as a physical. Losing weight had it's own mental challenges. But starting CF made me face so many new challenges (physically and mentally). I've cried through a WOD. I've cried after several. I've cried before in anticipation of what was coming up (I check the website each morning before going in... but even though I check it, it has no impact on whether or not I will go). I've taken Coach M aside and bawled. I've cried so many more tears over the last few months than I have in years. For me, it's become more than just a workout. I CARE about how well I do/improve. I've never cared so much about working out despite working out consistently for a few years now. I can't explain WHY I care, but I do. I desperately want to be better. It infuriates me that I cannot do things that I think I should be able to and I'll be damned if I don't do what I can to do those things!

I know some of my answers may not seem all "GO CROSSFIT" but I love it so much and hope I've portrayed that. Over spring break we're heading to Disney for a week and it makes me anxious!! It's that whole addiction thing... It gives me the shakes just thinking about missing! (And yes, I'm pathetic enough that I Googled to see if there was a CF near Disney World that I could get to easily. Alas, the closest is a bit far since we won't have a car. It still baffles me that there's such a lack of exercise stuff at Disney. I know I'd spend the money to get a workout in!)




****Something I didn't say, but I hope is implied... For everything that I've felt the other CrossFitters have felt for me, I've felt the same--and maybe more. That protectiveness... Damn straight. I tend to find myself wanting to mother everyone, but resist because I know they need pushing, not comfort. Though I think I've done a bit of that, too. For Christmas, I made Coach M a felted kettlebell with the CFMK devil face on it. And for everyone else, I made barbells. You know I love people when I make them things!