The feeling of being completely powerless in a situation is horrible. Nothing you can say or do will have any impact on the situation. What's done is done and you have to live with it.
Realizing that you've been completely dicked over by someone you love is mind blowing -- and not in a good way.
Rage can't change things. Tears can't change things. Will words do anything? Will it make matters worse? Does the recipient have enough of a soul to even care?
I'm struggling trying to explain to myself that this is not my fault. (Though, if I hadn't been so weak before, would this have happened?? Why did I sit back and take someone's word for it?)
In situations like these (yes, I know I'm being vague and I apologize), I usually turn to food. Or beating the shit out of walls or something (if my 4 year old wasn't here, I'd definitely be doing that). I am mentally and physically exhausted, so a killer workout isn't even going to do anything but bring me down more.
So I am sitting on my ass and writing. And crying. But hey, I'm not eating, right?? (Not that there's anything worth splurging on in the house!) One thing I've learned over the last few years is that food really isn't all that comforting once you realize how much damage you've done, especially as a reaction to something that you cannot control.
Actions of others should have no bearing of what I choose to ingest. An ice cream cone or doughnut or cookie may make me feel better for the few minutes it takes to eat, but losing that self control makes it worse in the long run. It's much more enjoyable to eat something "bad" when it's planned and calculated and you can enjoy every bite.
Having an outlet is extremely important. Exercise is a far better outlet for me than eating ever was. Writing has always been great for me as well, but sometimes it isn't enough. Thank God I'm going back to CrossFit tonight. Working on technique always helps. (Lifting heavy shit helps, too... But there's not going to be much of that tonight.)
