Yesterday's Team WOD totally got the best of me and I don't even really know why. I've ALWAYS had to modify things I do at CrossFit. Like, everything almost. I walked in yesterday with confidence, but wasn't thinking it wouldn't be hard or that I wouldn't struggle. It's always hard. I always struggle. The people were awesome, as always. No one there is ever anything but great. No one ever even suggests that I shouldn't be there. So why do I feel like I shouldn't??
A lady who I've met one other time before yesterday (and who I didn't even talk to last time) came up to me afterward and told me that I should be so hard on myself. WHAT?!? I laughed. What else could I do?? It was so absurdly true that I couldn't do anything but laugh. I'm way too easy for people to read, apparently.
No details, but when I got home those feelings were just compounded and my day continued to take a dive as far as my confidence was concerned. I cried way too much yesterday. Usually a nap helps, but yesterday it didn't. (Probably because I fell asleep for 2.5 seconds before the kids woke me up.)
I'm waiting for that "AHA!" moment when I figure out why I'm so hard on myself... Then I can get over it. It's hard to get over something when you don't know what it is you're supposed to be getting over!
I don't want to go to CF tomorrow. Yesterday I contemplated taking a week off. Obviously that's not an option, nor is not going tomorrow. If it's one thing I've learned, when I'm in a funk I CANNOT let it keep me from my routine. Otherwise, things will just get worse.
I'm such a whiny pain in the ass. But I'm not a quitter. That should make up for a little of the whining, right??
The thing is, despite my post from yesterday, I actually enjoy being able to do these physical things (or enjoy trying to). And as I've said before, it does make me feel stronger/better when I finally can do something. I think I feel the spark coming back. I think. Not much, and obviously not enough to really be sure, but hopefully I'll really feel it soon. I need this. I don't know why I need CF, but I do. It's been great for me so far and I can't let a little bit (or a lot) of self doubt get in my way.
