Since I started this journey of being healthy and losing weight, I've gone at it at different angles. Back in August I tried yet another different way. CrossFit.
I have absolutely no idea why I thought that I could even do CrossFit at that point in time. It made the bootcamp I did way back when look like it was made for wimps. Yes, I was in way better shape than I used to be, but Zumba and Spinning don't even compare to CrossFit. Then yesterday I came across a blog post that summed it up well when it said, "Sometimes you have to chase who you’re not right now in order to find out who you are. And sometimes who you are is way stronger than you ever realized."
It took months for me to feel like I belonged there. And even now I still have my moments. Looking at my list of resolutions for CrossFit that I made for myself, I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I wrote those down. Definitely not the Jen that the majority of the people in my life know. Am I really strong? I WANT to be. I don't feel that I am. But I so desperately want to be.
That's where CrossFit comes in. The strength that I've built since August is amazing. Physically you can see it, too. I'll be honest.. I don't necessarily care for how it's made me look. But surprisingly, I don't care as much about that as I care about how strong I feel. My desires have changed from being thin to being FIT. Not just Zumba fit, but capable of playing with the big dogs fit.
I am not yet ready to say how much weight I've gained back since I hit my lowest. It scares me and saddens me. I'll admit it, I got slack with my eating. Especially over the Summer From Hell. I guess I've "trimmed down" since starting CF, but the scale has stayed just about the same. BUT! The strength I've built since then is crazy! It's awesome!! It far outweighs the number on the scale.
So my quest has kind of changed. I want to be thinner, yes. But more so, I want to be stronger. While physical strength does not equal mental strength, it damn sure doesn't hurt it!!
As a mother, what is more important? Strength or looks? My children see that I workout every day and it's something that they see as normal for me. They see that I don't complain about my looks and how fat I am. They see that I'm not weak and I believe it makes an impact on them. Again, physical strength doesn't mean mental strength, but they can go hand in hand.
I want my daughter to grow up with the confidence I have always lacked. I want my son to grow up appreciating a woman who has confidence. While this journey is most definitely more for myself than anyone else, it is also for my children. They deserve the best. And by improving myself in all ways possible, I feel like I'm doing what I can to give them that.
As I've been writing this, there's been a loud voice in my head (not REALLY a voice, people) yelling, "But! But!! You're still that girl you've always been! They were right when they told you how lazy you are.. just look, you didn't go to the gym today! And here you are writing this nonsense?? Go step on that scale... Go look at your pictures of that SHORT time you weren't fat!"
Here's the thing... Those thoughts will probably never go away. Too many years with negative thoughts drilled into my head (by myself and others). But. Fuck 'em. I may always be "chunky" and that's ok. But I refuse to be that weak person I once was.
