I've been waiting for weeks to finally be able to write this post without feeling like I'm going to be handling everything wrong. I can't say that I'll be able to do it "right" but I need to go ahead and get it all out.
Last March, my shoulder began to hurt when doing some exercises, mainly pull ups. After my accomplishment of learning how to jump onto a box, I decided that my next task would be to be able to do a pull up. I just wanted one. In January, I'd listed it as one of my CrossFit resolutions for the year. I had started doing assisted pull ups with the most resistance possible, almost. Basically, I sucked. In my defense, pulling up my body weight isn't an easy task, but it was something I desperately wanted to be able to do.
Around the same time, I fell in love with Olympic style weightlifting. For awhile, I thought I'd be able to do both CF and OLY and be OK, but I realized that my body just couldn't handle both. Let's face it, I'm no spring chicken. And I don't exactly have a history of working out prior to a couple of years ago. My body has taken a lot of abuse over the years from being so overweight for so long.
I gradually started doing more and more OLY and less and less CF. But I still worked and worked and worked (and worked and worked and worked) on my pull ups. I progressed slowly, but kept plugging at it, hoping that one day I'd meet that goal of JUST ONE unassisted pull up. That's all I wanted--just one.
At one point, my OLY coach reasoned with me about my shoulder pain and convinced me to see my doctor. I did some physical therapy and it helped a little... enough so that my pain went away for awhile and I was able to compete in my first (and only) OLY meet. It was that meet that made me want to never do anything but OLY ever again. Even CF, which I loved. Even Zumba, which I hadn't done in forever. I would've been happy only lifting heavy shit and nothing else.
But the pain came back. Eventually, I went back to my doctor (at the insistence of my OLY coach again) and got a referral for a sports medicine doctor. I did more physical therapy again... didn't help much, so the Dr told me to stop. We tried a cortisone injection--didn't help. I had an MRI, which was the most expensive nap I've ever had--and showed absolutely nothing abnormal. I had an MRI, which was the most expensive nap I've ever had--and showed absolutely nothing abnormal. We tried another steroid injection, that time using an x-ray to make sure the medicine was injected into the bursa (fluid sac). That helped briefly.
The pain kept getting worse and worse. It got to the point that I wasn't able to pick up a bar without pain. I was doing only lower body stuff and the pain kept getting worse. I wasn't able to snatch or c&j or do anything overhead. (I'd long given up my quest for a pull up.) I gradually got worse going from weight on the bar to only the bar (33#) to the training bar (15#) to only a PVC pipe to not being able to go overhead at all.
I knew it was serious. I didn't complain that much about the pain. Here and there I would, but I didn't let on just how bad it was. It got to the point where now only could I not snatch or c&j, but I couldn't even squat... just holding onto the bar was painful... just holding onto a PVC was painful to try and squat as well.
The doctor had been clear with me from the beginning as to what steps we'd take. He wanted to avoid scoping my shoulder to see what the problem was if at all possible, but the time came when that was the last option available. By that point, I was more than ready to have it done. My workouts were next to nothing and seemed pointless. I was learning creative ways to get somewhat of a workout in thanks to my coaches, but it still wasn't enough.
I've mentioned several times that I'm an emotional eater. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's a reality for me. During this whole time, my eating kept deteriorating. I got to the point where I met with my CF coach about how I should be eating for my type of working out. We did a body analysis and she told me how to eat properly while doing lots of weight stuff. The timing was terrible. It was just before the holidays. I was OK for a bit, but the more pain I had, the more I ate poorly.
As much as it pains me to admit it, I think that for the last 2 months now I've gotten my "nutrition" mostly from junk. I'm talking serious junk. Not just foods that aren't the best choice, but junk. Cookies, chips, ice cream. I've gotten to the point where I've even been hiding it from my husband. Obviously, my depression has been kicking into high gear.
So anyway. I had my surgery at the beginning of February. While the doctor was in there looking around, he figured out what was going on. My bursa was hemorrhaging and he had to remove it. In the process, he had to shave down some of the bone to make sure I had room to move my shoulder around without grinding bones together.
The pain from the surgery is like nothing I have ever experienced. It was worse than when my epidural stopped working when I was having my son. I'd rather give birth with absolutely no pain medication than go through the pain I've had with my shoulder b/c of the surgery.
Last week I had my 2 week post-op appointment. I knew what my doctor would say, but I had to hear it. I asked what the surgery meant for exercise for me in the long run. He wouldn't look me in the eye and wouldn't tell me that I "couldn't" do anything in particular. It was obvious by his body language what he thought. I'd already decided what I was going to do, but he confirmed that I was making the right choice by no longer doing OLY or CF.
He explained to me that because there was no longer the cushion in my shoulder, if I continued to workout like I had been, I was looking at majorly screwing up my rotator cuff. I knew that if that were to happen, it would be way worse than anything I'd experienced with this shoulder surgery.
I left and cried. And tried to wash my blues away with food. It didn't work. I spent a few days wallowing in self pity and thinking about how everything was going to change for me. CFMK had become my second home. For Christmas, my CF coach gave me a keychain with the coordinates of the gym on it... so I'd always know where to find my second home.
I've thought (and cried.. and eaten poorly) a lot over the last few days about what it all means. Reality is that when you're no long a part of something, your friendships will fade away. It's a horribly sad reality, but one that is true. Especially given that the type of exercise we were doing was one of the few things I had in common with so many of my friends there. In fact, not many of my "friends" have taken the time to check in with me since before the surgery. I realize everyone has his/her own life and definitely do not think that the world revolves around me. But when you're out of sight/out of mind with some people, you notice where you stand.
Two friends in particular helped me tremendously when it came to talking through everything. I couldn't be more thankful for those friendships, especially right now.
What I'm about to write is going to offend some people. It's not my intention to do so, rather, I just want to voice my opinion. I have chosen not to blog about this for so long b/c I don't want to alienate friends with my opinion. But you know, I'm entitled to it, just as others are entitled to their opinions. I hate making generalizations, and I realize that what I'm about to write is just that... I do, however, recognize that it is not a "rule" and does not mean that everyone is like this.
It is very rare that I say anything negative about CrossFit. While I disagree with the way some things are done, I respect that each person has their own beliefs and each person is responsible for his/her actions. That said, overall CrossFit has a superiority complex. They refer to themselves as "elite" athletes and many times, look down their noses at others who do no do CrossFit. It isn't enough that people exercise and enjoy it and are overall healthy people. Runners? Pshhhh... What do they know about being fit? And Zumba? HA! (Seriously though.. I would challenge ANY of my CrossFit friends to take a Zumba class from my instructor in TX.. holy shit can she kick some ass.)
It is that very attitude that makes me wonder what some of my "friends" will think about my decision to no longer do CF or lift. When I switched to only doing OLY, I felt some of that. But now... now I know it will be there more so. I see posts on Facebook.. I've heard comments from people... I know what many think... They think that because they can do things that others cannot, they are "better." Reality is that anyone who thinks like that is NOT better than another person, period. There are MANY CrossFitters who think like I did about it... It's cool as hell to be able to do that stuff! But it does not make me a better or worse person for what I can or cannot do physically.
So knowing that many of my friends from the gym feel this way makes it hard for me to accept that we can continue being friends. What will they think of ME for real? Will they think I'm a quitter? Will they think I'm less of a person b/c I'm choosing to do another type of workout? Do I give a shit? Sadly, in some ways I do. I do care that people who I've invested my time, energy and emotion into could possibly toss me aside and think less of me because I choose to take care of myself. I KNOW I've made the right decision, but it doesn't make it easier to swallow.
The pain of my decision will eventually fade. Maybe one day I'll find something that I love as much as I have loved OLY. (I can't even get that short sentence typed out right now without the tears starting... I'll so very much miss the feel of the bar in my hands and the rush of lifting something heavier than I ever imagined I could.)
People closest to me, as well as those who barely know me realize how huge it is for me to have to quit. And sadly, "quit" is the only word I can use for what I am doing.
(My next thing to "quit" will be eating so terribly... we'll see how that goes.)
