It's very frustrating for me that I get discouraged so easily. A certain look or something small someone says can make me change from confident to discouraged way too quickly. It isn't so much that I'm looking for someone to constantly tell me how good I am because I'm definitely not. That shit annoys me. But knowing I've disappointed someone or that something significant to me is blown off by another makes it hard for me to stay positive. Should I care what others think? Probably not. But I do. I try not to, but I do.
If you were to ask me what my worst fear is (aside from something happening to my family) I'd be quick to tell you that it's not being able to breathe, which explains why the whole swimming thing is a huge struggle for me! On Monday when I was able to swim 4 laps completely unassisted, it was HUGE for me. HUGE. I was so friggin excited that I actually texted my coaches and told them -- Coach M because she's the one who got me to thinking this was a good idea and Coach G because he's never really gotten to see that side of me since I'm usually pretty hard on myself (I did not just admit that).
Obviously it was something I wanted to share with my husband, too. He seemed happy for me -- for a split second. Like, literally. The word "awesome!" came out of his mouth and then he was telling me we needed milk in the same breath.
I really hate sounding like a man/husband hater because I'm not. I love my husband. And I even like him (most of the time)! But when it comes to working out and exercise stuff, we just can't seem to find middle ground and it makes me sad. His lack of enthusiasm hurt and instantly I was over being excited. Less than 30min and the high was gone. Kind of a bummer because that high is such a great feeling.
Like any other hard part of life, this is a puzzle that I need to figure out how to solve. Well, puzzles -- my husband's lack of interest in something important to me (and how to handle it) and my issue with letting what others think/say/do get to me too easily.
On the workout front: I did the Open WOD 12.3 yesterday. I did an OK job. I could've done better, but I did it, which included 90 box jumps (not consecutive)!! I didn't bust my face or shins either! (The WOD was 18 minutes, as many rounds as possible: 15 box jumps, 12 push presses, 9 toes to bar, which I modified to basically a weird sit up. I got in 201 total reps! I won't mention how light I went on the push presses, m'kay?)
Today I met with Coach G for some weightlifting fun. I didn't leave feeling discouraged, which is a positive! I wouldn't say I feel great about it, but not feeling like it was pointless was nice! My mind is already turning to all the negative thoughts about the session, so I'm just not going to write more about it and go focus on something else! We meet again tomorrow, which is probably going to be my last workout before Disney. We're meeting in the evening so depending on how tired I am, I may or may not make it to class the next morning before we leave. I'm trying very hard to be more sensible about my workouts right now. I REALLY want to go to the morning WOD before meeting him tomorrow night, but I'm not. I just hope I'm not too tired to go Friday.
My face is still bruised, but it's on the mend.
