The first counseling appointment always sucks. Not that I've been to tons of counselors, but the initial meeting that goes over every possible reason you may be as fucked up as you are... it just sucks. It feels like excuse after excuse of why I'm a crappy mother/wife/friend. I KNOW I need to just suck it up and get over it. I DO! But apparently it's just not that easy.
The lady seemed nice and got to the nitty gritty rather quickly. I hope that is a good sign.
Yesterday, I had a major meltdown and spent the rest of the day in a bit of a stupor. I had planned/wanted to cancel my appointment for today, but it was so bad that I just couldn't.
I've gotten a few texts/emails asking how I'm doing and people saying they're worried about me. Until yesterday, I didn't feel like there was anything bad enough to worry about really. And not that there REALLY is now, but I feel like I have been too close to the edge of losing control. And that's just not an option in my life.
As of now, my medications are staying the same and I'll be going to counseling once a week until things get under control. At least she didn't feel that I was worthy of committing!! Or even seeing more than once a week. But thankfully, she thinks it's more important than every other week or monthly. Because I know that it is, which sucks admitting.
My eating is out of control and I don't even care. I didn't go to CrossFit today and I don't even care. I'm considering being a no-show tomorrow for my weightlifting coach/group (even knowing full well that one reads this blog).
Last night I slept almost 12 hours before my husband had to wake me. I could've slept more. If left to my own devices, I could probably sleep most of the day away and not so much because I'm tired. Knowing that scares the crap out of me.
As long as I'm writing, there's nothing to worry about. Promise. As hard as it is to admit there's a problem, doing so makes it easier to get a handle on.
