Box Jumps!

It's been a bit of an interesting week with box jumps this week. One Wednesday, Coach G had me do some as part of my warm up and it didn't go so well.

Post Crash

 

I finished my warm up with the 3 I had left, then later that day went back in for Open Gym and did 10 more, just to get up on it again. I got up once on Thurs or Friday (can't remember which) and wasn't able (mentally) to do more.

Today I went for the Team WOD and had my ass handed to me. It seemed like others did as well, but holy shit did I suck. It's been awhile since I had to have others pull some of my share. Definitely not good for the ego.

Afterward I stuck around to do a few box jumps. The fear of crashing makes it HARD to get back up. But I did. Twenty-five times. At least, 25 times at 20". Then I decided that I wanted to go for a PR. I flipped the box over to the 24", had a bit of a stare down with it, then jumped my ass up on top! I even gave out a cry of joy, which NEVER happens! (It was kind of a bummer b/c Coach M is out of town and I feel like she should've seen me be excited. But I made sure to text her!)

Twenty-four inches on the box was one of my CrossFit Resolutions for the year! I'd gotten 23.5" on plates earlier this month, but wasn't able to get up on the 24" for the box. Getting my ass kicked by the Team WOD pissed me off and got me up on that today though!!

And just for a little visual, here's what the leg is looking like today:

Ew.

Fun Times!!

It's interesting to see the searches people do that end up reaching your blog. Someone searched for CrossFit and childbirth and linked to here from there. Of course, I had to repeat that search. And sure enough... my blog was listed a page in. I don't think it's exactly what people are wanting to read though b/c I was saying how the torture of childbirth ends and CF's torture keeps going! Ha!

Anyway! At the older child's school, we did a Flash Mob as an April Fool's joke yesterday. It was awesome so I thought I'd share!!

Trying To Be Invisible

This journey of mine sucks ass. It's so much easier to sit on your ass and be a fat person than it is to make an effort to make yourself better. People who are naturally thin don't realize how much of a struggle life is when you're overweight. But then, I've also known super skinny people who were completely unhealthy because they couldn't GAIN weight. That would suck, too. 

A few months ago, a coach at CF told me that I have douchebag shoulders, basically meaning I slouch. It irritated me big time. Growing up, my grandmother always commented on me standing up straight. Being the defiant little snot that I was, I would either ignore her or sit/stand up straight for a few seconds, at most. Arms folded, shoulders rounded... makes you feel smaller than you really are and almost makes you feel invisible. Of course, at my size there's nothing small about me. But I felt like it made me not seen. 

Now it's just natural for me. My shoulders are curved because of it and I'm always slouching. Yes, I know you look better and thinner if you don't slouch. But all of the insecurities I've had are still there. It's still rare that I feel confident. 

Let's see if I can work on my posture (again) and make it stick this time. Shoulders back get the boobs out and in turn, the pooch is hidden a bit more. You'd think that would be motivation enough.

Freak Out - Complete!

Why the hell am I even thinking about quitting CrossFit?!!? Seriously.. Lack of sleep does some crazy things to your brain!!

I love my husband, but one thing he taught me years ago was that I don't need him to be my own person. It's unfortunate that he's not supportive of CF, but I can't force him to be. I can only do what I need to do for myself.

I'm still unsure about the weightlifting. I meet with my coach this Wednesday then not again until next week (I assume) since he has a meet this weekend. Maybe once we get into a regular routine I'll have a better idea.

As for meeting new people from another gym and forming new relationships... Well, what's life if you don't ever put yourself out there? For way too many years I hid in fear of getting hurt or not being liked or whatever weird reason I thought was important at the time. But looking back, I see that I missed out on some great opportunities.


No one should sit back and watch life go by.

Too Much Thinking Is Not Good

Being left alone with my thoughts isn't always a good thing. Especially in the middle of the night when I'm trying to go back to sleep. Without fail, if I wake up to go to the bathroom, the wheels in my head start turning and it takes forever to fall asleep again.


Tonight I was thinking about CrossFit (surprise!) and what's next for me. There's a possibility of our box merging with another and I don't know what that would mean for everyone I workout with. I would understand if the owner does it, but would be very disappointed. And I'm not sure if I would continue with CF (depending on what the arrangements would be).

I'm an emotional person, I can't deny that. I know I tend to have knee jerk reactions to things, which is why I don't like to make decisions without a lot of thought.

Yesterday was the last CrossFit Open WOD. I had an awesome time. However. I was hoping the husband and kids would be there. When I left the house, I was expecting them to show up later. I was so excited. For my husband to come would've been huge. Except they didn't come. Even writing it now makes me cry. I was so upset and looked like a fool crying in front of people there. I just couldn't stop the tears. I was hoping that for just once he would be supportive and cheer me on for something that was important to me.

So last night, between the bad dreams of being left by my husband, I started thinking more about no longer doing CrossFit. If the whole CFMK family is going to split, do I have it in me to form new bonds with new people? I've heard how the other group doesn't like outsiders and that they're not nearly as supportive as what I'm used to unless it's for each other. Is it true though?

I also don't know what it would mean on the weightlifting front. I'm still uncertain of that as well, though I'm not as discouraged by it as I was. I haven't talked to Coach G since Saturday. I'm sure he's expecting some sort of communication from me when he gets to work today, but I haven't sent him any messages.

Maybe it's time for me to go back to a workout routine that doesn't involve needing the support of anyone. In Zumba, you don't need someone to cheer you on. You don't need a husband to be supportive, except when it comes to paying the gym membership each month. (On a side note... Any time I type a word with -ship in it, I always write -shit. Or even if I'm trying to write ship, apparently I go to shit first. What does that say about my potty mouth?!)

Lots to think about. Any thoughts are welcome.

Lack of Sleep = Sad and Discouraged

I hate change. Like seriously, I hate it. It scares the shit out of me and makes me want to turn and run away. I found out yesterday that Coach J will no longer be at CFMK. It's so sad. :(  I LOVE Coach M and am excited to see her back in the mornings again (her leaving mornings threw me for a major loop), but I will miss Coach J.

As with most of the coaches there, when he tells me I have done well at something, I know it's not bullshit. And today I really needed that, especially from him since he does a lot of Olympic lifting. Today was a weightlifting fundraiser at CFMK and I did it. The biggest girl there and lifted the least weight. Woot!

I felt TERRIBLE about how I did. Not so much the light weight, but that I just didn't do all that well with the clean & jerks. I'm sooo uncomfortable with them!! Not that I'm all that comfortable with the snatch either though.

So the way it worked today was that the person with the lightest weight went first. Moi! Yay! I figured that might happen, but what I didn't realize was that EVERYONE THERE WATCHES YOU! Seriously. All eyes are on the person lifting. I HATE being watched. (I hate a lot of things, don't I?) Everyone has 3 attempts at snatches, then it goes to clean & jerks (3 attempts as well). I was the first to go with that. But what made it worse than with the snatches was that I had a LOT more time to get anxious about it. And I bombed. It sucked.

I got home and told my husband that I do NOT want to do the weightlifting anymore. He told me I can't make that decision just yet because of a bad day. A few hours later and a pep talk from Coach J and I'm feeling better, but still unsure. The whole point of it is improving yourself and your skills. I get that. I really do.

When I started to do the clean and jerks, every cue I usually tell myself beforehand completely left my head. Over and over and over while we were on vacation I reminded myself of these things. Yet when I got there, I blanked. And tanked. And to make matters worse, I feel like I disappointed Coach G. I don't even know if he wants to work with me anymore or not.

Going into this today, my biggest issue was the weigh in. I don't like the scale to begin with, but the day after vacation?? I'm pretty certain that by Monday the scale won't hate me as much as it did today. Nothing like being all bloated and stuff and stepping on the scale. In front of people.
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Tomorrow is the last CrossFit Open workout. I'm feeling less than positive about that as well (not because of today, though that doesn't help). I'm sure I'll be the only one modifying. But at least I'm doing it, right?

What I need is a good night of sleep. I'm beat. I'm sure it'll help my body as well as my spirits. When I'm tired, I feel more sad and discouraged than normal. I recognize that, but it doesn't make me feel less sad about things. I have been so exhausted that I really don't even feel like I fit at CFMK anymore!! And that's a load of hooey (I think).

So here's to lots of sleep for me tonight!!

Phenomenal Cosmic Power, Itty Bitty Workout Space

No space to workout while you're on vacation?? Hmmmm... Below is a pic of where I had to do my 100 squats, 100 sit ups and 50 push ups. If I had been smart I would've put the suitcase under the sink (which I'll do for tomorrow), but alas, I wasn't.

I was wedged in there pretty tight, but I made it work. And I also set the alarm for 6am to get it done. With as poorly as I'm eating while we're on vacation, it's the least I can do to get this in!

How's the Weather?

We leave today for Disney and I've been stressing out for days about not working out while we're gone. The hubs gave his "approval" for me to work on my swimming, so I'll be doing that. I plan on getting some squats, sit ups, push ups, etc. in each day, too. Not sure how well that's going to go over, but whatever. If everyone is sitting around watching TV, it shouldn't be a big deal, right? One would think, anyway. But I know better.

Yesterday I had the longest conversation with a friend about Olympic weightlifting. It was awesome. I've never discussed it with anyone (outside of the gym) for that long. Typically when I'm having a conversation with someone about working out (and now lifting) it goes something like this:

Person: So what's been going on with you?
Me: The kids, blah blah blah.
Person: What about YOU though?
Me: Well, CrossFit blah blah...
Person: Uhhhh...
Me: And I've started doing weight lifting.
Person: Uhhh.. Bet you're getting big muscles. So how's the weather there???


That's an exaggeration for some, not so much for others. But yesterday... Yesterday my friend actually asked what exactly I'm doing with the weight lifting. I gave her my generic response and she persisted. The questions kept coming. It was awesome. I wish that people would realize that if I choose to tell them something, it's because it is important to me.

I love talking about working out. And my kids. I could talk about the kids and working out all day if you'd let me. The kid thing is covered... Tends to happen when most of your friends are mothers. But talking about working out, not so much.

So anyway! If I post anything in the next week it will be from my phone and short. I'm sure at some point I'll come across a thought that I'll need to get out. Right now though I have to hit the box one last time before we leave in a few hours!!

Ch-ch-changes

I'll give fair warning that this post contains a pic that shows a bit of my bare stomach.

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Nice, huh?? If only that was my stomach.


Anyway. So. I was trying clothes on today and getting really discouraged because my shorts from last summer (which fit just fine then) don't fit now. I grabbed a pair of capris that I bought in September and tried them on. Fresh out of the dryer they used to fit nicely, but always loosened up. Here is a pic of them fresh out of the wash today. I tried my best to cover my stomach as much as possible. No one needs to see that mess.

Sexy blue panties, huh?

Obviously these aren't going to Disney with us. I have to make an evening run to the mall to find something that fits. ACK! I finally found jeans, but it's going to be friggin hot as hell, so that's out. Unless I want to wear gym clothes the whole time, I need to go shopping. I hate clothes shopping.

Puzzles In Life

It's very frustrating for me that I get discouraged so easily. A certain look or something small someone says can make me change from confident to discouraged way too quickly. It isn't so much that I'm looking for someone to constantly tell me how good I am because I'm definitely not. That shit annoys me. But knowing I've disappointed someone or that something significant to me is blown off by another makes it hard for me to stay positive. Should I care what others think? Probably not. But I do. I try not to, but I do.

If you were to ask me what my worst fear is (aside from something happening to my family) I'd be quick to tell you that it's not being able to breathe, which explains why the whole swimming thing is a huge struggle for me! On Monday when I was able to swim 4 laps completely unassisted, it was HUGE for me. HUGE. I was so friggin excited that I actually texted my coaches and told them -- Coach M because she's the one who got me to thinking this was a good idea and Coach G because he's never really gotten to see that side of me since I'm usually pretty hard on myself (I did not just admit that).

Obviously it was something I wanted to share with my husband, too.  He seemed happy for me -- for a split second. Like, literally. The word "awesome!" came out of his mouth and then he was telling me we needed milk in the same breath.

I really hate sounding like a man/husband hater because I'm not. I love my husband. And I even like him (most of the time)! But when it comes to working out and exercise stuff, we just can't seem to find middle ground and it makes me sad. His lack of enthusiasm hurt and instantly I was over being excited. Less than 30min and the high was gone. Kind of a bummer because that high is such a great feeling.

Like any other hard part of life, this is a puzzle that I need to figure out how to solve. Well, puzzles -- my husband's lack of interest in something important to me (and how to handle it) and my issue with letting what others think/say/do get to me too easily.


On the workout front: I did the Open WOD 12.3 yesterday. I did an OK job. I could've done better, but I did it, which included 90 box jumps (not consecutive)!! I didn't bust my face or shins either! (The WOD was 18 minutes, as many rounds as possible: 15 box jumps, 12 push presses, 9 toes to bar, which I modified to basically a weird sit up. I got in 201 total reps! I won't mention how light I went on the push presses, m'kay?)

Today I met with Coach G for some weightlifting fun. I didn't leave feeling discouraged, which is a positive! I wouldn't say I feel great about it, but not feeling like it was pointless was nice! My mind is already turning to all the negative thoughts about the session, so I'm just not going to write more about it and go focus on something else! We meet again tomorrow, which is probably going to be my last workout before Disney. We're meeting in the evening so depending on how tired I am, I may or may not make it to class the next morning before we leave. I'm trying very hard to be more sensible about my workouts right now. I REALLY want to go to the morning WOD before meeting him tomorrow night, but I'm not. I just hope I'm not too tired to go Friday.


My face is still bruised, but it's on the mend.

Accomplishment

Tonight I swam 100yds. Completely unassisted. I did take a short breather at the end of each lap, but I did it.

My high is already gone less than half an hour later thanks to the response of my husband. But I felt like I should post it here.

So yeah. A few lessons in and I'm completely on my own. Something to feel accomplished about, I guess.

A Little of This, A Little of That

Exciting stuff going on in our house this week!! First off, we're buying a house!! We found a house over the weekend that we liked, made and offer blah blah blah and now we're under contract! WOO HOO!!

I'll be honest... I was hoping that at this point in our lives we'd be able to have a nice house than what we're getting. There's nothing wrong with it, it's just a modest house. But with our house in FL still ours. While it's rented out, it's still an expense we have. Sucks. I like the house though. I don't see it as our forever house, but can see us being in it for a long time. 

We actually won't  move until this summer. They needed a June possession, which is PERFECT for us since our lease ends in July. The inspection will be sometime this week. Fingers crossed that it all comes out ok!!

ALSO!! Friday we leave for Disney!! I realize that by posting it publicly we're announcing that our house will be vacant. But it won't. So there. 

I'm friggin STOKED. I don't know who is more excited.. me or the kids! I do have to admit.. I'm scared of what the pictures are going to look like compared to what they were last time we went a few years ago. I wasn't quite at my goal weight then, but I know I've gained back weight now.. I hope I don't look too chunky. 

We'll be gone for a week, which means a week off from working out. I don't care what anyone says, while we'll be walking around all day every day that we're there, it's not a workout. Last time we were there I gained 2lbs. I'm still surprised that was all! I have no intentions of being strict with my diet while we're there this time either. That scares me. But I want to enjoy our first vacation since the last time we went 3 years ago. (Seeing family doesn't count because that's just not a vacation.) I might have to take my running shoes though... 

Yesterday was the CrossFit Open WOD 12.3. I went unsure of whether or not I'd do it. I didn't. No one was scaling and I was so intimidated. Plus, after my face plant the other day, I'm nervous to jump. Not so much that I won't ever do it, but not in front of so many people. I was very disappointed that I chickened out, but looking back, I'd probably choose the same decision again. Next year I won't be able to play the newbie card, so I'll do it while I can! Ha!

BUT. I'm actually going to do the workout tomorrow. Super awesome Coach M is coming in to let me do it. I'm nervous, but when I busted my face the other day it was in front of her. So no worries on that front. I'm just nervous about doing it, period!! 

Here's a pic of my face from yesterday. I kinda like the green color part of the bruise! I was planning on getting my eyebrows done before our trip, but I'm not so sure anymore. Ouch. 

Oh. If I hear ONE MORE TIME that I'm too hard on myself, I'm going to SCREAM. Loudly! 

You've Gotta Fight For The Right

Since I've been on my journey for losing weight and being fit, I've come across many types of people... some who are accepting of me no matter what, some who aren't accepting at all and some who I win over after they get to know me.

I always have mixed feelings when I win someone over. If it's one thing you can say about me it's that I'm determined in what I do. I may be a chunky butt, but I'll be damned if I won't give it my all. Yes, I get discouraged. And yes, I know I'm not great. But when it comes to challenges, I'll face them head on -- with attitude. I like that I can win people over, but it's also kind of sucky that they don't just like me at first. (But then, I fully admit that I don't always like someone at first either.)

I woke up this morning and looked at today's WOD. In my plan for the next week, today was supposed to be my rest day. But yesterday I forgot to reset my alarm and didn't wake up. Yesterday would've been MUCH easier than today, though to be perfectly honest, I probably would've gone in today just to give it a shot.


800M Run
70x Air Squats
60x Sit Ups
50x KB Swings (55/35#)
40x Push Ups
30x Overhead KB Walking Lunges (15R/15L)
20x Broad Jumps (8/6 Foot)
10x Burpees

OK, so I didn't do overhead walking lunges. I just hung on dearly to that kettlebell and did my lunges. And my jumps... Let's be real. I can't jump 6ft. I can barely do 4ft. But that's about what I did. I ran the 800m in 5:12 and did the whole thing in 22:40. Not shabby for a fat girl. And I was only about a minute or minute and a half behind the others. (I realize that's a big gap, but whatever. I am comfortable with how I did! And there were only 4 of us.)

Today I realized that I've won over one of the people in the morning class. It didn't happen today, I just realized it today. During the run I got a "Good job" (everyone knows how I struggle with running and how much I LOATHE it... I'm quite verbal about it). Gotta admit that it made me feel all warm and fuzzy, as did the words of encouragement later on after this person had finished (LONG before me).

If it's one thing I'm very aware of, it's how people perceive me. I do not appear to be a "fit" person to someone walking down the street. Hell, I don't appear to be a "fit" person to someone who walks into the CrossFit gym. I am fully aware of the judgment I see in the eyes of others when they first meet me or find out that I do, in fact, workout. It isn't just now.. Here in Kansas. It's been something I've noticed since I started this journey. (And, of course, when I was way overweight, I noticed that people thought of me differently as well.)

I admit that I am a judgmental person. I try very hard not to be, mostly because I've found that every single thing I have judged others for has come back to bite me in the ass one way or another. That and I know how badly it stings to be judged.

In the fitness world, there is sooooo much judging of others, especially those not into working out. You hear many trainers say how they love helping people who really want to be helped. But how many of those people are they really willing to give an honest to goodness chance to change? I can go down the list of trainers who I've had and tell you exactly the ones who are great at what they do and the ones who seriously need to rethink what they're doing. While I understand that they may not be won over by someone right away and realize that they really do intend to change, each and every person needs to be given the benefit of the doubt when they go into making a life change such as losing weight and becoming healthy.

Before I met Lisa, I had tried many times to lose weight. I'd tried working with trainers, I'd tried doing it on my own. But each and every time I failed. As if it isn't hard enough to face those fears, each time I failed made it harder to start again the next time. But Lisa... Lisa is the type of trainer EVERY trainer should be. I won't lie and say that I never saw disappointed or disapproving looks from her. I did. She's human. But as long as I kept at it, she was with me all the way... She was with me before I ever REALLY made the commitment to change. I remember asking her when she realized that I was in it for the real deal and she knew right when it was -- and it wasn't a time that I would've told you was "it" for me... It was way before I realized it myself. And because I love her so much, here's a picture of us when she ran my first 5K with me (despite a 5K being chump change for her):

And because we're all sweaty and gross there, here's a cute pic of us together back when I was skinny (the drunk ones will not be posted):

It's hard for me to see trainers who look down their noses at overweight people and say they want to help those who really want to change. Every single person who starts out trying to lose weight -- even if it's just walking -- really intends to give it their all.

I've often wondered what it takes to be a good trainer. Obviously by nature some people are more accepting and patient, but that's rare. Is it personal experience they bring to the table? I know with Lisa that was part of it. I know with the first trainer I ever had it was that she had zero personal experience. That and she was a total judgmental bitch who scared me off from working out for years to come. (Yes, I have Lisa up on a pedestal -- when it comes to being a trainer. As a person, she's just like the rest of us. That's why I love her.) I'm not really sure what it takes, but I'm thankful for the good ones out there. And the others... hopefully one day they'll realize the harm they're causing by judging others before truly giving them a chance.

Raw Steak Anyone?

I'm looking less like a battered wife today, thank goodness. Wearing my hair down helps. Looking at me straight on it's hard to see, I think. I DO have concealer over it though, so it helps a little. These were taken about 5min ago.

  

I have this horrible problem with trying to get better at things. I go in every Wednesday to work on stuff I suck at.. lately it's been pull ups, but yesterday I did some jumping stuff, too. I have finally been able to do box jumps, but I still don't do them well. I jump... THUNK. Everyone else is all fancy and just kinda bounces up and down  like it's the easiest thing in the world. So yesterday I was working on the rebound. And... well... I guess I tripped or something because the next thing I knew I was face planted into the floor and Coach M was running for an ice pack. 

I think it's kind of funny. You know, since I didn't get hurt badly or anything. And since I don't look like Quasimoto. It takes serious grace to be able to pull off something like that!

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty...

Thanks to Beakman's World, we learned that the face has more blood vessels than any other part of the body which makes it heal more quickly. Here's hoping.

Pure Selfishness

This morning I had a bad weightlifting session. Things just weren't clicking and I wasn't doing well AT ALL. As I left, I cranked the radio in the car and sped home, completely frustrated and angry about it all. I even posted a status on Facebook about how it was going to be an angry music kind of day.

And then my friend responds. And then she IMs and asks what was wrong. My friend... who is facing the possibility of cancer... and is having to have her ovaries removed... ASKING ABOUT ME. Seriously?!? What the fuck?!?

How fucking ridiculous is it that I'm upset over a fucking weightlifting session that didn't go perfectly?? There are so many bigger issues that others have to face and here I am worrying about not being able to do a good snatch at fucking 6 o'clock in the morning.

I was almost in tears over my workout this morning... And now I'm in tears about my friend and what an amazing person she is and why she has to go through all of this. Life is unfair.

If You Can't Beat 'Em...

Tonight during bedtime cuddles, the kids got a major case of the giggles. They were already late to bed (dance night for Brynn always means a late dinner) and I was getting frustrated.

The Boy says to me in a soft but serious voice, obviously struggling to control his laughter, "Mommy, what if we CAN'T STOP laughing?"

Instantly I thought of times when I was a kid (or even adult) that no matter what was said, or sometimes not said, it was freaking hilarious. And no threats of punishment could stop those giggles from escaping. As I was about to explain that it happens to everyone from time to time, The Girl burst into giggles, followed by The Boy .... and really, when children laugh it can be extremely contagious.

I tried to maintain my composure. I really did. I tried to think of ways to get them to shut the hell up. But I lost it. And for several minutes, the three of us laughed and laughed and laughed at absolutely nothing. It was awesome.

Too often I let the frustrations of day to day life get in the way of having fun with my kids. This afternoon had been a stressful one full of fighting and fits. I did not feel like laughing. I wanted them in bed--asleep! But those laughs... those kids have the best laughs. It made those hours of frustration a distant memory. And as my husband got them water after the laugh fest, he commented on the looks of sheer joy on each of the kids' faces.

Sometimes being a mom sucks, I won't lie. But moments like that simply wipe the crappy stuff away.

A Visual

Today I got a PR (personal record) at CrossFit!! I'm f-ing STOKED about it!!

My only disappointment was that I didn't really have anyone to share the excitement with me. Since I've been able to do real box jumps, people are all "yeah, you got it.. what's the big deal?" How dare they have that faith in me! Sheesh!!

I wasn't able to get up on the 24" box today.  I'm waiting until an acceptable hour to text Coach M since she doesn't do the morning classes anymore.

This is a pic of the height I started with a few months ago and where I got today (23.5") 

(Yes, I realize this is pretty spastic. But that's me right now!!)

I Could Talk About CrossFit All Day!

Yesterday, someone from the Kinesiology Department at K-State came to CFMK for a focus group for a study they're doing. This particular component of the study focused on the CrossFit community. I am very opinionated about CF and obviously LOVE it. But I really didn't have it in my to answer some of the questions in front of everyone. Despite that most people there know my struggles, saying things out loud in a group is a hard thing for me to do! I talked to the person conducting the research before everything started and got the OK from her to email my responses.

SO! I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to do my "Why I Love CrossFit" post! Below are some of the questions and answers... I fleshed out and edited some of the answers a bit for y'all!

How did you start CF? How did you hear about it? 

When I found out we were moving to Kansas, I looked up gyms in the area. There was nothing like what I was used to so I started googling to find what there was. I was looking for bootcamp style workouts and came across CF. Later I found that some family friends were into CF. Once we moved here, a big gym had opened. Since I really liked spinning and Zumba and working with a personal trainer, I checked it out. I quickly found out that the Zumba sucked and wasn't pleased with how I was spoken to when trying to find a trainer. I'm not skinny and never will be. But having spent the last 3 years working out 2+ hours daily, I wanted a good workout. I like intense workouts and felt I was snubbed when I asked for an intense trainer. So I walked out and contacted CFMK that same day, not realizing that it wasn't exactly what I was expecting!

What did you expect to learn?

I didn't really go into it thinking I would learn anything. I expected a good workout. Maybe learn to do things better (form, etc.) but going into it I wasn't thinking of it as a learning experience. 

Why did you keep going to CF? 

I told myself that I'd do it for 6 months. After that, if I didn't like it, I could be done. I was TERRIBLE at everything, yet everyone acted like I was awesome -- all because I was trying. I'd never experienced that before. Even with the trainers I'd worked with previously, I would get discouraging looks when I couldn't do something. But the coaches and people in my classes at CFMK just cheered me on, telling me that I COULD do it, and if I really truly couldn't, they'd find something else for me and I'd be cheered on for that. It pissed me off that I couldn't do what everyone else could and I didn't want to disappoint myself or everyone else at CFMK.

What do you like most? 

The camaraderie and challenges of the workouts. The acceptance. The people. The atmosphere. The attitude. 

What would you change about CF? 

I wish that in CF would not focus on the successes of the skinny people, but show the thicker people as well. Everyone portrayed is skinny (and yes, I understand that athletes are typically thin) or you see stories about how CF has helped people lose weight. But what you don't see is those men and women who are very fit, but are just plain thick.. I don't mean fat, but built very solidly and are in great shape.

Why do people quit CF?

By what I've seen... 1 - Money. 2 - They don't give it a real chance. 3 - They get discouraged. 4 - They want to focus on something else (Olympic lifting is the one thing I've seen).  I think that when people get discouraged, they don't seek out help, they just run and don't look back. I've come close to quitting many times, but I knew I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I did, so I leaned on my friends/coaches. And posted lots of whiny blog posts!

What physical changes have you seen? 

Tons more strength. Bigger muscles. Less chub (though I've gone up in pants sizes). My body shape has changed. I feel thicker now, for sure. 

What injuries have you experienced?

I've had some sensitivity in my shoulder, but it's been there for awhile. CF has just exaggerated it. The coaches have been working with me on getting my upper body stronger as a result. I did sprain my ankle running TO CF once though! If anything, I've found that my aches and pains have improved dramatically. My knees don't hurt anymore. My back doesn't hurt. Except for my shoulder, my body has never felt better.

How has your self perception changed? 

This is a tough area for me. Self loathing is something that isn't new to me, but doing CF took it to a whole new level. For months, I would leave WODs frustrated and crying because I sucked so badly at everything. I spent years being the fat girl and had gotten beyond that, only to be right back at being that again. Everything was hard for me and that's no exaggeration. I hated myself because I couldn't do these things that everyone else could (despite knowing that they'd had plenty of athletic experience throughout their lives, unlike me). I hated how my body was changing. My scale was going up. My clothes were getting tighter. Everything I'd been working for seemed like it was slipping away. People would say they could see a change, but that scale wasn't showing it. And everyone always says that if the scale doesn't, then go by how your clothes are fitting. That wasn't working either.

Gradually it's gotten better. I'm seeing improvement on things that I could never EVER do before. Like box jumps! I'm proud of myself for fighting to be able to do things (better) than I could months ago. Everyone tells me I'm too hard on myself. And they're right to an extent. But that drives me to keep wanting to do better. I'm not always last anymore and that means a lot to me because I've busted my ass working on things so that I can get better. 

How do others in your life regard your CF participation?

My husband hates for me to talk about anything CF related (but has always been opposed to me quitting). My friends think I'm a bad ass, not realizing that I'm not that good. It's true. I'm really not that good. And I don't want any of that positive bullshit about how at least I keep doing it!!

What are your CF related goals? How did you set those goals?

I made a CF Resolutions list and emailed it to Megan. She worked with me on putting timeframes around each thing. My list is LONG. Box jumps. ONE unassisted pull up. Just one. Just that chin over that bar ONE time. Handstand (with the wall is fine but 100% on my own). Double under. L-sit. Paralette jumps. Push ups (no bands or knees). Rope climb. I have nightmares of elementary school and not being able to do these. I just want a short amount off the ground, I'm not asking for much!) Pistols. Improve form for Oly lifts. Improve time for certain WODs.  (Since making that list, I've been doing box jumps, paralette jumps, improved time on some WODs and been working on the others. And been working the the Oly coach.)

During a WOD, what do you focus on?

It depends on the day. Some days it's to not finish last. Some days it's to just get my reps in and not cheat. Some days it's to not collapse. Once it was to not run out the door and never come back. It greatly depends on the WOD. Lately, I've been focusing more on form than on time. 

How do you rate your CF abilities?

POOR!! They're still very much novice. 

How would you describe the culture?

I never in a million years thought that people who were so fit could be so accepting of someone who wasn't like them. The culture is amazing. Everyone is so supportive of each other. Over Christmas I went to an affiliate in SLC while visiting family. I was completely intimidated but all of the coaches (and the owner... Tommy Hackenbruck) were amazing. Just like at CFMK, as long as you bust your ass and do your best, you're golden in their eyes. It doesn't matter if you have to modify, it only matters that you give it your all. I'd always been told that, but had never experienced people who practiced that way of thinking. At UTE CrossFit, it helped me learn more how wonderful and supportive the culture is. Had I known who Hackenbruck was prior to visiting, I wouldn't have gone there. I'm very glad I didn't know because it gave me a more powerful acceptance of CF because here these people were (who had no idea of my downfalls or experiences) cheering me on like I was a champ. Sure, the people at CFMK did it, too... But I thought maybe I'd just found a golden nugget that I'd never find again (though I still believe that to be true). 

Another thing I've experienced with the culture is that it's very protective. Not just of CF in general, but of each other. In one instance, I was struggling with jumps when a new person came to cheer me on. She wasn't doing anything wrong, but she was new and a bit intense. Immediately one of the guys jumped in and essentially told her to back off and that I had it. It felt like a big brother putting his arm around me and protecting me. It coming from someone who I never expected it from made it that much more powerful.

I'm hesitant to post this along with the full thoughts behind it, mostly because I know it'll make me tear up. But here goes. It took me a long time to feel like I "belonged" at CFMK enough to buy and wear their t-shirts. (Nevermind the fact that people who don't even go there buy them and wear them.) I felt like I would embarrass them if people saw me wearing their stuff. But eventually, I got over that. Over the holidays, the coaches got hoodies. Boy did everyone want one!! So Coach M told us if we brought one in, she could have it printed for us. I looked and looked and looked for a sweatshirt I'd like and took it to her. She asked what I wanted on it and I told her that she could decide... it was whatever she wanted to be seen around town. 

When I got the sweatshirt back, I almost cried (well, I did later). It's a dark gray color and everything on it is pink (because she knows I love pink). The hood has a kettlebell and my name. The inside of the hood... This is where it gets me most... Has "No Positive Bullshit" inside it. Oh shit... here come the tears! And pics that wouldn't cooperate and line up all nice and pretty:

Front

Back

       

Outside Hood.

Inside Hood

She personalized it to ME. And threw in one of those "inside joke" things that makes people feel like they're extra special. And yes, it made me feel extra, extra special. Hell, when my husband saw it, I think it finally hit him that I DO fit in there. He was impressed, though he'd never say it. Either that or he was annoyed. Which could be possible since he's a money freak and I'm sure he was wondering how much I paid! or both.

What is unique about CF vs regular gyms?

The atmosphere is different in that, as I said before, as long as you're busting your ass, you're awesome. In a regular gym, no one even notices unless it's to notice if you've slimmed down or gained a few pounds. In Zumba, no one ever says to you, "your dancing is great!" Or in spinning, "great job on increasing that tension!" Or in weights classes, "way to go with moving up from 5lbs to 8lbs!" In CF, everyone is focused on themselves AND others. In regular gyms, people are only focused on themselves. Everyone likes to feel like they're noticed. At CF, you're always noticed (even if you try to hide in a corner like I do.. though that damn Coach J makes me get out of my corner now!!)

Anything else?

I didn't expect CF to be a mental workout as well as a physical. Losing weight had it's own mental challenges. But starting CF made me face so many new challenges (physically and mentally). I've cried through a WOD. I've cried after several. I've cried before in anticipation of what was coming up (I check the website each morning before going in... but even though I check it, it has no impact on whether or not I will go). I've taken Coach M aside and bawled. I've cried so many more tears over the last few months than I have in years. For me, it's become more than just a workout. I CARE about how well I do/improve. I've never cared so much about working out despite working out consistently for a few years now. I can't explain WHY I care, but I do. I desperately want to be better. It infuriates me that I cannot do things that I think I should be able to and I'll be damned if I don't do what I can to do those things!

I know some of my answers may not seem all "GO CROSSFIT" but I love it so much and hope I've portrayed that. Over spring break we're heading to Disney for a week and it makes me anxious!! It's that whole addiction thing... It gives me the shakes just thinking about missing! (And yes, I'm pathetic enough that I Googled to see if there was a CF near Disney World that I could get to easily. Alas, the closest is a bit far since we won't have a car. It still baffles me that there's such a lack of exercise stuff at Disney. I know I'd spend the money to get a workout in!)




****Something I didn't say, but I hope is implied... For everything that I've felt the other CrossFitters have felt for me, I've felt the same--and maybe more. That protectiveness... Damn straight. I tend to find myself wanting to mother everyone, but resist because I know they need pushing, not comfort. Though I think I've done a bit of that, too. For Christmas, I made Coach M a felted kettlebell with the CFMK devil face on it. And for everyone else, I made barbells. You know I love people when I make them things! 

Frustrated and Discouraged

Well, here we go again. I guess it's about time for a whiny post about how badly I suck.

Today there was an Olympic Weightlifting Seminar at CFMK and I went. If it's one thing I've learned already about the snatch and clean & jerk (go ahead.. I know you want to snicker) it's that repeated practice (in good form) is the key. I was doing ok with the snatches. Not great, but ok. After an hour and a half of that, it was time for the clean & jerks. On a good day, I struggle with the clean so after being tired of doing snatches, I got discouraged quickly. And the jerk. UGH. My shoulder has been bothering me, so I was really hesitant when I did them. All in all, I guess the practice was good, but I feel like I didn't do well at all. Plus, I felt like since I've been working with the other coach, everyone there was watching me differently when it was my turn.

I wonder if I will ever believe that I'm an "athlete" or whatever. If you make me miss a day of exercise, I go crazy. I do CrossFit and have started the weightlifting. Yet, I don't think I'm even close to athlete status... I actually think I'm pretty lazy about it and that I'm just a normal person who exercises (if that). In fact, this is one of my absolute favorite t-shirts (which I actually wore today):

Isn't that friggin awesome?? I love it! Of course, in my case it's my old fat self chasing my new self. But whatever.

Speaking of my old fat self... So these weightlifting competitions require a weigh in. I totally understand it. BUT REALLY?!? I don't want to fucking get on a scale in front of someone!!! It's hard enough for me to look at my scale at home because it's so disappointing. But to have to do it in front of someone else?? It's enough to make a fat girl cry!!!

Blah.

Jonesing for a Fix

I woke up this morning and one of the first things that crossed my mind was that I needed a "hit" before I going to CrossFit and I was all out of my current addiction. I looked in my purse... No cash to get some. Then I saw it... my daughter's change purse. I raided my daughter's change purse for... I'm so ashamed to admit this... money for a diet coke. (Note that I didn't say Diet Coke. When you're from the South, it's all "coke" no matter what it really is.) I stopped at the vending machine outside of the grocery store.. it was out of order. I said a few choice words as I drove off (and on to get coffee rather than my beloved diet coke).

I'm sitting here now writing with a Diet Dr. Pepper by my side and all is right in the world. Except... Now that I've gotten my fix and I can think rationally again... Diet drinks are sooooo bad for you!!!

Of course, my other addiction isn't so bad! Oh CrossFit, how I love thee. Except... I have a confession. I've been disappointed by CF twice in the last week and it makes me incredibly sad.

The other day, the CrossFit Headquarters posted a story from an affiliate in California. Take a sec to read it then move onto my rant.

Perhaps it was poorly written and I misunderstood. But I do not see ANYTHING inspirational about this story. The man is a cop and got into a fight while on duty and his arm was broken. He did 91 burpees... whoop dee fucking doo! Obviously we don't know the details of the fight. But the dude got into a fight while on duty!! There's no honor in that!!

If you read some of the responses, you'll see one from him: Good luck to everyone signed for the open and drink more tequila!

Hmmmmmmm..... Maybe I'm being judgmental... I'm known to do that. But I think given the info we have... probably not a stand up guy. That's not to say that if you enjoy a few drinks you're a bad person! Just made me wonder if it all tied in together.



And #2. The WOD for week 2 of the Open (Workout 12.2). Ugh. I first read it and thought it would be a terrible thing to try and hurt my shoulder. (And I know I can't be the only one who can't do these well, so others would be getting hurt, too.. Right?) Then I thought about it more and figured that it didn't matter how many reps I got in really, but just to give it a shot. But something kept nagging at me, so I asked my lifting coach. He's not a big CF fan but he's an intelligent guy. I think that if I were to ask my CF coaches they would believe the same thing. Never in our programming have we had something that could possibly injure us, but I know there are WODs out there that could.

Anyway, his response was this:

The Open WOD 12.2: the snatch and clean & jerk were never meant for this type of scenario. Keeping form for that many reps is difficult even for accomplished oly lifters. Once you get out of synch with your form, bad things can happen.

I sometimes wonder if the CF gods realize that they are ethically committed to not expose their athletes to too much danger. This workout is an injury waiting to happen.

So. My first instinct was right. Then why do I feel like a failure for not even trying to do this?? Will my super awesome little spitfire CF coach be disappointed in me?? I must point out that he didn't say, "don't do it!" He could've. I would've listened. But noooo. He's making me be a big girl and make my own decisions. What fun is that?!? I hate making decisions!! And I hate being put in a position where I'll be judged for my decisions, too. Already a pain in my ass and we haven't been working together for long at all! Oy!

(**I told him the other day that I talk trash about him on my blog. Seeing as how this isn't hidden or anything, I figured I needed to get some in there in case he finds it!**)

Well. I'm out of Dr. P and sad now. Why did I not get the 2 liter?!? WHY?! I have been saying, "just this last time" about my little 20oz bottles (daily) for weeks now and none of them have been the last. Today was the beginning of a new month... a fresh start. And still, I couldn't go without. All because of that stupid mud at my son's school. If I'd never gotten stuck in the mud, I'd never have let myself get that Diet Coke that day after fixing my mess... It's all because of the mud.