The Land of Make Believe

Are there any facts in your life that you take for granted as being normal when they really aren't? This morning I was talking to my weightlifting coach and asked him how long he's been married. He said since 1988 and the wheels in my head started turning. I wasn't trying to calculate how long HE had been married, rather how long my parents had been married. They also married in 1988. I stated that and went back into La La Land thinking about what we should do for them next year for their 25th anniversary (which is rather complicated right now since it seems as though no one is speaking to each other much lately). 

I think I repeated to him three times that they married in 1988, totally not understanding why the quizzical look on his face. But... oh. Yeah. My dad isn't my "real" dad. I tend to forget that most of the time. He's the only dad I've ever had. And the only grandfather my kids have had. 

At some point I need to tell my kids about all of this, I guess. A few months ago, my son asked why my maiden name was different than their last name. I blew it off because I was completely unprepared to answer it. It's never come up since. But I know that I need to address it. It's totally going to blow the boy's mind when I tell him and it just never seems to be the right time. 

It's not a huge deal, but my kids live in a little bubble world where everything is perfect. They don't realize that my childhood wasn't traditional. (I hesitate to say normal because what exactly is normal??)  At some point they'll put two and two together (especially the boy) and figure it out and ask more questions. I'd like for them (and me!) to stay in that little bubble world. 

I don't want to tell them about my biological father. As horrible as it sounds, I was glad he passed away before I had to worry about the kids knowing about him. Not exactly someone I wanted in their lives (not that he was every really in mine except to pop in and out every few years). 

But at some point, I'm going to have to pull my head out of the sand and talk to my kids about it... You know, the grown up thing to do. 

I Hate Logic

I have a lot to say today (lucky you) and I'm going to struggle with it. Logic and I don't always go well together and I have to be logical about this. Well, I don't HAVE to be. I could be my normal whiny self, but that annoys even me sometimes! 

I'm tired. Not mentally, but physically. Mentally, I'm ready to go! But physically, I just need a break. I KNOW bodies need breaks. I GET that. If someone were saying to me the things that I think, I'd smack them and tell them how stupid they're being! But none of that applies to me, you know! 

Yesterday I met with my lifting coach. Oh dear God. I would like to say horrible things about him, but he's a nice guy. That was only the 3rd time we've worked 1:1 and definitely the worst so far. And I know it's not going to get any easier! 

My last day off (from exercise) was last week when I was sick. And let's face it, a day off when you're sick isn't REALLY a day off. Instead of your body fighting to repair itself from the stress of the workouts, it's fighting to heal itself from sickness. (I stole that from a friend who was giving me a pep talk. Did you think I was doing a good job of being logical?!) 

So anyway, yesterday morning was hard. I think my favorite part of it was hopping around like a fucking prison frog though. (I KID! I felt like a dumbass!!) Thankfully, I have no picture to show you of this stupid, stupid move. But basically, I'm squatting and jumping (like a frog) but my hands are on my head (like a prisoner). I SWEAR that trainers/coaches enjoy making people look stupid. You'll never EVER be able to convince me otherwise! 

After yesterday morning's torture session, I went about my day being all lazy and tired. I took a nap even! But it only made me feel more foggy. Then I had swim lessons. Oh dear God. WHY did I do this to myself?!!? I don't need to learn to swim!! 

Here's where I need to try really hard to be positive. It's really hard because to begin, I have to admit some pretty embarrassing stuff. For example, we use those floaty belt things. Soooo sexy. Fortunately, when you're swimming, you can't really see them. But everyone there knows you're the adults who don't know how to swim. ANYWAY! My swim coach took my belt away. I was so mad. THEN! He had the nerve to tell me that I have "drag" when I swim. My CF coach tells me I have "drag" when I run. Do they not know I have a LOT of mass to deal with?! Sheesh! Give me a break, people!! 

Oh. Wait. I just realized that there was no positive talk there! Let me try again. I am no longer using the sexy belt. There. That's all I've got. 

So today I'm just doing normal everyday stuff... Like cleaning. And cooking. And being a mom. Which I really should go do instead of sitting here whining about how lazy I feel. 

(Did I mention that today's WOD looked AWESOME?? Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.)

Surviving 7 Minutes of Burpees

Before I get beyond the point of thinking positive thoughts I'm going to get this out. Dinner is going to have to wait for a bit longer!

So. Burpees. Holy hell, that sucked!! BUT! My goal was 50. My coach's goal for me was 55. I got 60. Now, I know that hearing positive talk from me about myself scares some, but hold on tight because it might be a bumpy ride!

When I workout, sometimes I close my eyes. I don't know why, but it gets me through it without being distracted by what's going on around me. Especially when it's fast movements... Burpees alone can make you want to puke.. no need adding blurred images to the equation!

I had a friend from my morning CrossFit class who didn't want to do the Open. I'm not really sure why because she's pretty awesome. But she came today, just to cheer me on. How friggin awesome is that?? (I felt really bad though b/c I chose the last heat to be in and made her stay so long.) And while I was doing my 7 minutes of hell, all I could hear was people cheering me on and shouting my name. Like, seriously. I didn't recognize some of the voices, but there they were yelling at me to get my ass up off the floor (in a positive way)!

A lot of times I have problems being cheered on. Especially when I'm the last one or when I'm the worst one. It makes me feel like the "special kid" to be honest. But today.. I don't know. It was just different for me and how I took it, I guess. 

Out of everyone there, I had the fewest number of burpees (by 12+. But there is not one thing that I would change about how things went. I can definitely say I did my best and... omg... I'm proud of how I did. (Did I really put that in writing?!) 

There were so few people from CFMK who came out to do the Open and I'm really surprised. Hell, they were surprised to know that I was going to do it. I thought for sure that alone would get people to come! Ha! But that's their deal. For me, it was something I had to do (and will continue having to do for the next few weeks). It's not about anyone else but me and my own personal demons. But I tell you what... Having so many people cheering me on... Just wow. (I even got a bit teary afterward when I thought about it!) That feeling of support is something that I wish everyone could feel because it's awesome. 

To make it even better, I had other CrossFit friends from around the country cheering for me as well. All know my past. All could totally kick my ass in WODs. But they all have that CF attitude that's just amazing. Bust your ass and they think you're great... doesn't matter what your score is. (That's all Crossfitters.) 

Words from yet another friend just before I left stuck with me as well and helped much more than I'm sure she realizes.  I am so proud of you. Not for your results, but for continuing to push yourself in an area where you don't always feel confident. I think it's awesome that you are allowing yourself to not be "perfect." 

This will sound silly, but I love that I made my CF coach proud. She's so awesome and I feel has invested  way more time and attention in me than maybe she should've. I'm so glad to have her. She's a super amazing athlete (she did 135 burpees!!!) yet she doesn't bat an eye at those of us who aren't as good. She cheers us on and encourages us to do better. And when we do, she thinks we're awesome. And when we don't, she keeps cheering us on. 

(Don't let her tiny cuteness fool you. She's a beast!)

Know what else feels awesome? STOPPING after 7 minutes of burpees. Let me tell you... just plain awesome. Of course, struggling to breath kinda sucked, but at least it was over!

A Bullet With Your Name On It

I have so many thoughts going through my head today and have no idea where to begin. Or even if they're worthy of writing about. Or maybe they're worthy of posts all their own. But if I do that, I'll never get the thoughts out of my head. So here ya go... A few things on my mind lately.

• I think about who reads this blog and I try not to say anything that I may be embarrassed for them to read or for someone to tell them. Or that might hurt their feelings or make them mad. But you know, whatever. It's MY blog. They are MY thoughts. And I'll write what I want to write. And then avoid people later! (Except for hurting feelings... If I think it may hurt someone, I won't write it.) 

• My daughter. She's a beautiful creature who drives me absolutely bat shit crazy! I love her dearly and cannot imagine my life without her. I want to grab her and hug her and make her life perfect in every way. Not only is she pretty, but she's a smart little cookie, too! I know I sound like a bragging mom (and maybe I am), but she really is smart.
     The problem? The older she gets, the more we realize how much smarter she is than we thought. She resists praise when she's done something well (by using her brain). You can tell her how cute she is all you want, but for example, if she does some quick math in her head and you praise her... forget it. She runs off and that's the end of that. She's only 4. She's waaaaay too young for this to happen and I don't know how to handle it. It makes me so sad. 

• Today is the day that CFMK hosts locals to do the first CrossFit Games WOD. I'm doing it (scaled and only locally) and hoping and praying that I'm not going to make a complete ass out of myself. The first WOD is 7 minutes of burpees. My super fucking awesome CF coach did 135 of them. ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY FIVE BURPEES IN SEVEN MINUTES! (Yes, that deserves to be shouted. It's fucking awesome.)
      I'm trying to get over my fear of making an ass of myself in front of other people. I'm doing this for ME, not to prove anything to anyone else. Yet, I'm so scared to do it because I know that the people who will be there will be super awesome, way more fit than I am, and able to do way more than I can. But again, this is something I'm doing for myself, not for anyone else.
     People at CF who I tell I'm doing it are surprised. Which, let's face it, I don't know if that's their issue because they're intimidated (by the WODs, not me), or they think I can't do it well. I know I'm usually the last one to finish WODs, so I have no doubt it's at least partly the latter. I was talking with someone I workout with the other day about it and we were discussing how many we think we can do. I said I was shooting for 45-50. The reaction? Big eyes and a scoff and a comment about how that might not be realistic. But I insisted that I wanted to aim for that, so the prediction my friend made was that I could get between 35-50,  only saying 50 because I insisted. If you have learned anything about me, you know that pissed me off. Fuck that, man!! Thirty five?? REALLY?
     So. I went home and gave it a shot. I'd been awake since 3:45am (thanks, kids!) and had already had a full day by the time I attempted it at 2pm. (I should add.. A friend in NY did a dry run for it and she and I were discussing it via Facebook. She got 56 and was curious what I would do.) I blasted some Pitbull, which was pretty much my only motivation seeing as how I was planning for a nap that afternoon, not burpee hell. I didn't get my 50. I got 48 burpees in 7 minutes. Not terribly bad considering the conditions. Not as awesome as some people. But whatever. It's awesome for me.
     (I have to throw in another little shout out for my CF coach here... when I told her my goal, she didn't act like I was a loser for only getting 48. Her response? "You will get 50 tomorrow. Fuck that. You will get 55."  Oh, how I love her. One day I will write a whole post about how amazing she is. And so you don't think I've fallen in love with her [it's only a slight girl crush] I'll talk about all of the amazing women I've come across since I started working out.)    Here's to hoping I don't disappoint her or myself!!
  
  
  
• This whole weightlifting thing has been weighing on my mind (no pun intended). At some point, I'm going to have to make a decision about doing it or doing CrossFit. I'm so completely in love with CrossFit and cannot imagine leaving. But I also see how lifting heavy shit could be good for me (mentally). Obviously I just started, so there's no need to make a decision yet. But man am I dreading that day.
     Just the fact that I won't be able to do CF on the days I lift has already made me feel like I'm cheating on CFMK. (I know, I know... I have issues.) I'm an extremely loyal person. And I hate this. I don't want to choose!!
  
  
  
• My eating has gone to shit.
  
  
  
• Several people have asked me if I would like comments on my blog. PLEASE, if you have something (nice) to say, feel free to say it!! While I do this blog for myself, feedback is welcomed! 

Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down This Wall!

If it's one thing I've learned very clearly in my life, it's that no matter what, you can only depend on yourself. Unless it's whining from kids. That's always something you can depend on! Sadly, despite knowing this, I still lean on others or look to others for help when I  know I shouldn't. Eventually, I'll always get burned, even if it isn't intentional on the part of the offender.

When I reached my goal weight, I had the following quote imprinted on a pendant (and my original weight on the back).

No one saves us but ourselves. We ourselves must walk the path.

(The original quote is actually: "No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." But it was too long!)

Until recently, I ALWAYS wore that pendant. At some point, I found the courage to take it off (after it repeatedly got busted off the necklace at the gym). It's on my key chain now. It always stood as a reminder of what I used to be and what I never want to become again. I finally decided that I didn't NEED it anymore. But sometimes I still want it. I reach for it daily still. I'm comforted when I see it, thought I don't seek it out (usually).

While I had Lisa's help to lose weight, ultimately I did it on my own. And while I've had trainers who have pushed me and helped me along the way, again, ultimately I was the one who did it. I know I needed that push and that support. But when it came right down to it, they didn't do the work for me. (Look at me being all positive!!)

I know I have let people down before. I don't think many people go out seeking others to hurt and disappoint. It's just a fact of life, unfortunately. More than anything, I would love to keep my kids in a bubble and prevent them from ever feeling that kind of disappointment from someone they trust. Unfortunately, I know that at some point, I will disappoint them myself. I just hope that I never let them down so much that they think they can't ever depend on me. And hopefully they won't learn to be as jaded as I am.

It makes for a rather lonely feeling not allowing yourself to get close to people in fear that they'll let you down. Letting that wall down and getting hurt only makes it that much harder the next time someone new steps into your life. What's the key to not getting hurt? Not caring? That can't be it! You cannot go through life without caring about others. Not trusting? Trusting only to a certain point? If so, what's that point?

I doubt there's a way to solve this problem. I know the issue lies within me. I like caring about people. I like that feeling when I do trust someone... right up to the point of when they do something that ultimately hurts me. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe that's my problem.

Positive Bullshit

I was laying (lying?) in bed about 30min before my alarm was set to go off this morning (4:21am) and thinking about CrossFit. Shocking, no? Yesterday started the CrossFit Games Open (or something like that), which is the beginning stages of selecting athletes for the CrossFit Games that's grown quite popular on ESPN.

One super awesome thing about CrossFit is that most everything can be modified to your level. Not everyone is capable of doing what people watch on TV! B everyone can do the WOD (WorkOut of the Day) each week to see where they stand. For the longest time, I thought it was a joke for me to even think about doing it. I mean, I'm not good.  But. One thing I've learned about CF... It doesn't matter. As long as you bust your ass to do what YOU can do, it doesn't matter what others can do. It's about self improvement. Sure, there are people who compete professionally. And that's awesome. They're super amazing and inspiring. Again, not everyone can do that. But it doesn't mean you can't see just how much you CAN do.

So I'm doing the local Open, which means I'll go and do the WODs each week and try not to embarrass myself too badly in front of some seriously amazing athletes. There will be things I do that will be scaled to my level, which means I cannot register online for the official CrossFit stuff. No biggie for me.

It's no secret that I have a bad attitude. When I workout, I complain. A lot. But this morning when I was talking to others at CF to see if they were going to participate, I was very surprised at how many refused. "Did you WATCH last year??" "There's no way I can do it." REALLY?? This is coming from people who kick my ass daily!! What's the worst that could happen if you try it? Your ego may get bruised because you can't do it as well as you'd like. Yes, pride is a huge thing. But getting out there and doing it to begin with is huge!

I'm super insecure with my physical abilities. But damned if I'm not going to push myself to see just how well I can do. That's what CrossFit is about!! Every week.. every day.. You do the work as best as you can. It's not a competition against others as much as it's a competition against yourself. So what if you go out there and are only able to do 10 burpees in 7 minutes? Next time shoot for 15! (By the way... The 1st WOD is 7 min of doing as many burpees as you can. I'm aiming for 40... errr.. 30.. which isn't much! The biggest issue is that you have to jump 6" at the top.)

I dunno.. Something must of overtaken my brain. I was even freaking people out with my positive talk this morning! (That said... I can talk the positive talk, but please don't try that positive bullshit on me!)

There's so much more I want to write, but I  know what it's like reading really long blog posts. *YAWN* Next time!



P.S. If someone would like to explain to me when to use laying and when to use lying in a way that I'll remember, it would be greatly appreciated!! When Granny nagged me relentlessly about it growing up, I chose to ignore her, and therefore any teacher that may have tried to correct me growing up. (Good ol' Granny... Always good for a grammar nag!)

Germy Kids

I hate being sick. I'm definitely not on my death bed, but feel shitty enough that my body doesn't want to do what my brain thinks it should. Including working out. Or standing. Sitting works, fortunately, so I know I'm not TOO bad off. It's terrible when you feel so bad that even sitting up is a chore! 

Kids are germy. There's lots of crap going around right now and apparently I'm the one taking the bullet for my kids. It always seems to be the case. And yes, I'd way more want to be sick than have them sick. But it still sucks! 

I woke up yesterday with an earache and later a sore throat showed. The ear was throbbing enough for me to immediately think that I needed to call the doctor, though I didn't because it just started and I'm not that much of a freak. Today I'm thinking about it, though statistically ear infections go away on their own without medication within the same time frame as if if medicated. But numbing drop sound DIVINE right now. 

I missed CrossFit this morning and missed swimming last night. The negative bitch in me is telling me what a fucking pansy I am for skipping. Yes, I've worked out sicker than this before. But I don't think it was necessarily the smartest decision. So I'm taking it easy. And trying to ignore that stupid inner bitch. Skipping a day doesn't mean I'm lazy or that I want to quit. It just means my body needs a break. And let's face it, this body is getting older. I haven't treated it the best over the years either. But damn did I miss a good workout this morning!! Gaaah!!

The logical bitch in me says that if I'd gone to CF this morning, I would've had a crappy workout and it would've made me feel down on myself. Which is true. But... but... I HATE missing a workout!!!

Disgruntled Employer

I've put off writing about this in depth for awhile now because it's kind of a sensitive topic for me. But more and more it keeps weighing on my mind, so hopefully this outlet will help.

I love CrossFit (duh). And I love talking about it (duh, again). But my husband does not enjoy listening to anything CrossFit related. He has, in fact, requested that I not talk about it, period. I can't say I've done this, but I do try not to talk about it that much. (What's the point when you might as well be talking to a wall! Though if our walls could talk, they'd probably use a few choice words about how I treat them when working on CF stuff!) But it's FUN! I really enjoy my workouts and the kick ass stuff that I'm able to do that I never thought I could! And the one person I really want to share  it with doesn't give a shit.

I hesitate to say that he's not supportive. After all, when I've been in a funk and thought about quitting, he's been quick to tell me he doesn't want me to. But it's not a welcomed topic of conversation, for sure.

(Major pet peeve: Starting several paragraphs in a row with the same word. Unfortunately, that's going to be hard for me to avoid for this post, so I've already given up.)

I've been offered the chance to work with a weightlifting coach who I met through CrossFit. I went in yesterday to work with the guy and it was pretty cool. I have no idea how interested I am in it though. Definitely interested enough to check it out and see how things go, but it means cutting back on my CrossFit. Which.. OMG. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I don't want to!!!

That said, I think I'm going to give it a shot. If anything, it'll help me get better with the barbell stuff in CF.

I've tried talking to the husband about this, but all I get is, "That's fine." Which obviously means it is not. When I question it, I get, "Well, you know." And that's as far as the conversation has ever gotten. He hasn't even so much as asked how much time it will take. Or cost. Or ANYTHING. He won't tell me I can't do it, but damned if he'll talk about it. (Maybe I should tell him it'll cost a couple hundred bucks a month, then pocket the cash! I kid, I kid.) As painful as it is for me to say this, I feel like unless it benefits him, he doesn't care. And that's a shitty way to feel. (Even the swim lessons he doesn't really care about. Hell, he says it's a great idea, but gets put off every Monday despite agreeing to the day/time!)

I think what bothers me even more than his lack of interest is what I perceive as his lack of caring. Friends who I've talked to about opportunity ask questions about my safety.. Not just when lifting weights but being alone with some man who I just met. One friend was super hesitant for me to do it b/c she thinks he's looking to take advantage of me in some way. Let's face it.. she has a point. I'm pretty naive about some things and take the word of people. (Which is why I didn't decide to do it without asking a million questions from him and others!) But the husband... nada.

I know that a big issue with it is that it means he'll have to pull more of his share around the house. (Wait... that implies he helps to begin with!) On Mondays, he does have to feed the kids dinner, but I'm home by bedtime. (OK, I do have to admit that he does baths and reads stories before bed. And in the mornings, he does breakfast for the kids if I'm not home when they wake up. All of this, of course, equates to me doing nothing.) I told him this morning that I wouldn't do weightlifting in the evenings until after swim lessons are over, and then I'll limit it to one day a week so things won't be that different. Of course, that wasn't good. (To clarify in case this sounds like we had a discussion, I'm talking AT him when I tell him this stuff. The response I get is "that's fine" or a grunt... assuming he acknowledges that I'm speaking, period.)

It SUCKS.
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Update on my post the other day about decisions... I've decided that for now I'm "just" going to be a mom. I'm not sure about the whole PTO thing other than continuing to volunteer like I have been. Time will tell on that. As for the other option (a business opportunity), we've decided to revisit the possibility in 6-12mo once things are a little more settled as far as schooling is concerned. The hubby kind of understands and is supportive enough. And I am thankful for that. Tremendously so. Because right now I need to be a mom.

Actually, right now I need to be a CLEANING mom! (Please note that I did resist the urge to call myself the maid, though that description is much more fitting, I believe.)

I Wasn't Last!

I tied for last, but I wasn't last! Woo hoo! I  loved the way it was set up... no one even knew who was in what "place" since people who were doing the modified workout were going at the same time as those who didn't modify. It was great. (Minus the fact that my name was listed last, but whatever!)

Despite a night full of bad dreams that included images of me falling on my face, not finishing until after everyone had left, etc., today turned out ok! I would definitely want to do better in the future. But I didn't do too badly today! I thought for sure I would be in a terrible mood and do poorly, but interestingly, I was in a great mood! And even though I wish I'd done better, I'm ok with how things went today, minus my pants constantly sliding down while I was running and my lungs rejecting the cold air!

I have to admit that I was a little scared that I would go today and be completely intimidated by all of these amazing athletes and want to give up on CrossFit (again). But all of these amazing people and the INSANE awesome things they were able to do were totally inspirational. And not only did I love being part of it, but I loved that it has become a part of my life.


As for my post the other day... I still don't know what I want to do. I feel like I need to give everything a fair shot. And to make matters better, there's been another little thing thrown in, which isn't major but definitely makes the decision harder.

But as my awesome friend Deb said to me today, I'm very, very lucky to be in a place where I have a decision to make about which way my life will go. So many times (especially for stay at home moms) you just have to go with what's been handed to you.

Life Is Never Easy

It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes. I've got the opportunity to do two things that I want to do and don't know which I should choose.

One is big. Like, life changing big. My family will be greatly impacted, especially for the first year. It will require a TON of time and lots of sweat and tears. And stress. The long term benefits could be great, though there is risk involved. Not just financial risk, but risk for the family as far as relationships are concerned. The payout could be great in the long run... But in the meantime, could too much permanent damage be done?

The other... Eh. It's my life now, but more. The youngest starts kinder next year (full time) and I'll have the chance to do more volunteering with the school. The PTO needs someone to take over the book fair and no one wants to (except me). I'll be able to be in the classrooms more helping the teachers and just be there around the school. It's just continuing with how I want to raise my kids.

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In other news... There's a fundraiser thing tomorrow for CrossFit. I want to back out. But SOMEONE has to come in last, right?? Based on the roster that I've seen, it will probably be me. I'm not trying to knock myself. It's just a reality. Woo fucking hoo.

"Sticks and Stones" is Bullshit

Tonight I was talking with a man who I'd just met. Another lady came up and apparently they workout together in the mornings at like 5am. After the lady left, the man started talking to me about the importance of exercise and how it's such a great way to start the day, etc. I totally felt like he was trying to talk me into working out. Which, uh, I do. Apparently I don't look like it though. Finally, there was an opening in his lecture where I interjected how I go to CrossFit every morning at 5:30. The look on the dude's face was complete shock. "Isn't that like really INTENSE??" Uh, yep. Sure is!

I typically try to find a little humor in it when people don't realize I workout. I struggle enough with my looks and when people obviously are surprised that I could possibly not sit on my ass all day, it's rather insulting. I try to laugh it off, but deep down it gets to me.

The Weight of the World On Your Shoulders

Handstands are not easy. There are only a few things that have ever made me feel like an actual cow or whale and handstands are one of them. Granted neither cows nor whales can do handstands. But that's not my point. Every single ounce of your body is being held up by your arms. And if you weren't sure of just how heavy you feel, a handstand will tell you.

I didn't do it on my own, so I don't feel like it counts. Once I can get myself into a handstand then it will count. But I'm working on it and I'm on my way.

Today I literally felt like a cow. My spotter was my CrossFit coach who is a tiny little thing (but crazy, crazy strong). When helping me by holding my legs, damn did I feel large!! And heavy!! Which, OK, I know how much I weigh... and it's a LOT. But damn. Feeling like a cow sucks.
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I have to say that without pharmaceutical companies, I don't even want to think about the state I would be in mentally. My medications are back to work and I feel great. This particular combination is nice because I am actually able to FEEL. My emotions are still there. When something is sad, I cry. I get mad. I get happy. Some medications made me feel like a walking zombie and that's never a good thing.

So I guess what I'm saying is that life is (mostly) good again. Sure things suck sometimes, but it's a lot easier to handle when properly medicated!!
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In case you're wondering what other things made me feel like a cow or whale... breastfeeding (especially pumping) made me feel like a cow. I would often moo while doing it. And those Superman things you do on the floor while on your stomach... those make me feel like a beached whale. Walking in the subway in NYC at rush hour is cow-like as well. And yes, I mooed then, too. People didn't always appreciate it. Guess they didn't like feeling like a cow either!

Starting CrossFit Was A Mistake

There, I said it. And I'll say it again. Starting CrossFit was a mistake.

But you know what? It was one of the best mistakes I've ever made, I think. When I first started, I had no idea what I was in for. When reading about it online, everything seems so vague. (Even now when I try to explain it to people I find myself being vague about it because it's kinda hard to explain effectively.) It wasn't what I thought I was signing up for, though I wasn't really sure what I was expecting. Definitely nothing like what it is.

As I sit here with a strained muscle in my ass, I can't help but thinking about how I committed to myself to do 6 months and those 6 months will be over at the end of this month. Just short of month 3, I freaked and wanted to quit. I was scared to keep going. But I was scared to quit even more. At various points along the way I've thought about quitting as well (duh).

Not quitting has definitely NOT been a mistake. I've thought about comparing CrossFit to childbirth, but childbirth eventually ends. CrossFit keeps on torturing you. (No jokes about kids here!) But both give you something amazing to love that molds into a better person.  (For the record, neither of my kids were "oops babies" but it wouldn't matter if they had been.)

As my 6 months comes to a close, there's not a question in my mind about whether or not I should keep going. The only question in my mind  is how much MORE I can do. How much more weight can I lift? How much more intense can I handle? How much more will I continue to want?

I can only hope that everyone experiences such an awesome mistake as I have... where something turns out not to be at all what you thought, but ends up being something absolutely amazing.

Happy Valentine's Day!! 

Eureka!

I figured it out. I figured out why I'm not allowed to talk about CrossFit. It's not intimidation. It's JEALOUSY!! Said person wants to be doing CrossFit, too! But since said person is too cheap to have a membership at both and the other is paid in full for a year, no CrossFit.

Not that it makes me feel any better. But at least I get it now.

I'm definitely back in my game!! I've been enjoying working out again. Saturday's Team WOD was terrible, but I held my own and didn't get discouraged afterward (despite feeling like the "special" person on the team). It was good.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow and I have too much to do, so this is it for now!

Stuck in My Head

Self Discovery

I don't know how to link these two topics together, so there will be a Part A and Part B. I could just wait to write about one or the other, but I don't want to. And two separate posts seems silly. 

Part A - Paleo Update

One reason I started the whole Paleo thing was to learn about how my body reacts to different foods, right? Well I've learned a couple of things I didn't expect to find out. 

- I have a "sensitivity" to peanuts. I'll spare you the details. But unless that particular batch of peanuts had some nasty germs or something in them, I think it's safe to say it's a sensitivity. The hubby and kids ate them with no problems, so I'm assuming they were fine. My body revolted. 

- I think I have a sensitivity to shrimp, too... A few years ago I discovered that I am allergic to lobster. I break out into a rash and itch like a mother f-er. Everyone has asked if I'm allergic to shrimp. Until now, I've never had a problem. Growing up by the Gulf, shrimp was always around. Yum! But this week.. Lord. My entire body itches. I thought maybe it was dry skin, but I've slathered lotion and it doesn't help. I told the hubby about it and immediately he suggested the shrimp I'd eaten. Nothing else I'd eaten that day or the day before could've been the culprit. And the rash looks just like the one I get with lobster. So.. I'm assuming it was the shrimp. Goody. 

- I don't crave non Paleo foods as much as I expected I would. Basically, if it's yummy, I'm good! I'd been off of pasta for a couple of years anyway, so that was no biggie. Potatoes, too. I think those would've been the hardest for me. I will admit that I eat popcorn. Besides chocolate, it's about the only cheat I think I have. Oh. Diet sodas. Lord, I love Diet Coke. And Diet Dr. Pepper. It's addicting. I'm trying hard to stay away, but the extra caffeine jolt around noon is soooo nice when I've been awake since 4:30. Maybe I can try going back to coffee. 

Part B - What Made Me Say That??

Periodically, I find myself in a position where I ask myself, "OMG. WHY did I tell ____ all of that?!?" It's always to a person I really like and am in the process of getting to know. So while I was lying (laying?) in bed at 4am (thanks to the little one wanting  milk), I was thinking about it. 

When I was growing up, I was told not to ask people personal questions. I was told that it was rude and I shouldn't be nosy. After meeting my friend Deb a few years ago, I realized how untrue that is! I like when people as me questions.. And people like when they are asked about themselves--usually. Deb has this amazing ability to make people feel special and part of that is that she is truly interested in getting to know people. She's awesome in so many ways, but that's a major one. 

I try to ask people questions, but feel very awkward. I hear my grandmother's voice telling me to not be so rude and I'm not able to ask more than a little of what I want to know. So to make up for that, I tell people something about me. It's not a very effective tool. I end up telling people too much or telling them something they don't want to know about me or whatever, when really all I'm trying to do is open a door for them to tell me something about them. I seriously lack social skills sometimes. So if you're reading this, know that I'm not trying to talk about myself all the time. Know that I'm sharing something with you so that you'll share something with me. And when I ask a question and it seems trite, it's because I don't want to be too nosy. In reality, I'm dying to get to know you better!

Part C - Bonus!

I thoroughly enjoyed my workout today. Not that it was easy by any means! But I had fun(ish)! As much fun as you can have when getting your ass handed to you, but it was so nice to have that feeling again!! I wasn't the fastest. I wasn't the slowest. I didn't lift the most. I didn't lift the least. Honestly, I don't even remember what other people did. I just know I did my best and focused on doing well. 

Today I'm going to practice some more at home. It's been forever since I've done that (minus yesterday). I'm still going to be too hard on myself. And I'm still going to suck at things. But it's nice to want to do better again! Go me!

Others Feel It Too

A friend pointed me to the blog Hyperbole and a Half, so I headed over to check it out. The latest blog entry was written in October of last year. The previous stuff is pretty funny, but that last post made me bawl like a baby. So much for my no crying streak.

Adventures in Depression basically goes over her state of depression. I would say that I could've written that, but that would be a lie. She has the ability to make some humor out of it while I do not. But the context is all too familiar. The state of my house proves it, too. I should be cleaning, but I've chosen instead to sit my ass on the floor and blog. We have no desk. And no laptop (I killed the last one 3 days after it was fixed). I have to adjust my feet every few minutes because they keep falling asleep, but I still choose this over cleaning. Not that I like cleaning when I'm not depressed. But I do enjoy a house that doesn't look like a tornado went through it.

I have to leave in 20min to pick up the kids, then it's back home to make dinner.. You know, that meal you're supposed to feed your family. The one I've neglected for too long. (I feed my children, I promise. Not my husband, but I do make sure my kids are fed. It's just not a proper meal.) I promised spaghetti and meatballs tonight. It counts that I bought the stuff to make the meatballs, right? Not sure if we have the spaghetti stuff though, which could be a problem. (No worries, I'm not eating the spaghetti.. I'll have meatballs and veggies.) I shouldn't have promised.

Sometimes I wonder if I should've become a mother. I don't feel that it's fair to my kids to have a mom who can barely keep her head above the water most of the time (figuratively and literally... ha!) But selfishly, I'm glad I have them. As crazy as they make me, I wonder what I would be like if I didn't have them. They make me have to get out of bed each day.

Anyway, instead of cleaning, I think I'm going to go practice standing on my head. Like, literally. You should try it. It's fun.

On The Mend. I Think.

I haven't cried in a few days. The only time I've gotten teary is when a friend questioned me yesterday about what's wrong. But other than that, I've been OK. I still feel sad, but I also know that I can't expect things to change overnight.

Yesterday I was super anxious about swim lessons but not upset, if that makes sense. This morning, I was super tired so my workout wasn't as great as it could've been, but I was trying to focus on form and stuff, which tells me I'm interested in improving again.

When I said it doesn't matter if I get better... I was just trying to fool myself. It does matter to me. I like getting better. I like being able to do things I've never been able to do.

So I guess I am getting my spark back.

That Was Humbling

I didn't drown, so that's a positive. I also didn't see anyone I know, so that's another. And the people in the class seem nice. There! Three positive things before I say how bad that fucking SUCKED!!

That was horrible!! I didn't throw up beforehand, but I did gag once or twice. The teacher seems OK, I guess. But he doesn't really get the whole adults learning to swim thing.

I think the worst part of it, besides being in the water, was the fact that we will be having our lesson each week beside a fucking scuba class. Seriously?! Who was the awesome person who did that?? Sheesh.

Anyway. Back again next week. Woot.

The Ability To Swim Is Overrated

Isn't it? I think it is. We live in Kansas. We don't live near the beach anymore. It doesn't matter if I can swim or not. Right???

Lessons start in just over an hour and I feel like hurling.

Not Going Down Without A Fight

Pardon my language, but this is just fucking bullshit. I may still feel teary and may not feel back to my normal self for a few weeks, but these feelings are complete bullshit and go against everything I tell people they should be.

I registered for the fundraiser. I may suck, but I'm doing it. Do I want to right now? No. But deep down I really do. Plus, it's for a good cause.

I hope I feel better sooner rather than later. I don't like being like this. In the meantime, I'm going to try my damnedest to fight through it. There will be more tears (there are as I'm writing this). But that's ok. I'll come out ok. I'll come out more than ok. It's a shame I need medication to feel like a normal human being, but it's not the end of the world. (Right now I'm thankful that I take 2 because I think the other one is what's keeping me afloat.)

I appreciate all the words of encouragement from so many. Especially those who know that this really isn't me. It's appreciated much more than you realize.

I'M NOT CRAZY!!!

OK, so I AM crazy, but this loopy crying business is NOT ME!!

At first I thought I was being all paranoid... My parents are super paranoid people and I'm pretty sensitive to conspiracy theories and stuff. But. I found an old email that I'd written to a friend about one of my medications. I mentioned that I'd started a new Rx (in generic) from a different pharmacy and how I thought it was not working. I'm currently taking the same one as then!

No wonder I'm such a mess!! I've found several articles online about a few different generic manufacturers of this particular medication and how they suck. It's a time release thing and several of the generics don't do it properly.

But I just switched pharmacies (to one that carries one of the better generic brands)! Maybe soon I won't be so jacked in the head!!!

Fake It Till You Make It

I'm currently in "fake it till you make it" mode. I guess it's better than "I totally give up" mode, which is really where I feel like being. Actually, I feel like being in my bed and sleeping my blues away. But that is not an option today.

Trying to think of some positive things to write about is hard. Yesterday I ate like complete shit, so today I'm having to get back on track. And, of course, it's pizza and Wipe Out night tonight.

I'm trying to figure out ways to get my mojo back. This month there's a fundraiser at CrossFit that I'm thinking about doing. I can't decide. My confidence is wavering. On one hand, why the hell not? It can be modified. And even if I suck, at least I'll have tried, right?? But then, I don't want to look like a complete dumbass in front of a bunch of people!! I can easily just hand over some cash and help out. There's also the CrossFit Open that's starting. The ONLY interest I have in it is seeing how I have improved by this time next year. But then, my daily WODs can tell me that and I don't have to look stupid in front of others.

WHERE IS MY COURAGE?!? Monday I begin my swim lessons. Unless I decide not to do it. I'm having problems finding a bathing suit. Go figure. Not that it's that big of a deal. I just don't want to do it. But here again I have to fake it because if I don't I know it'll be worse in the long run.

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I feel like I've really let a lot of people down by being so discouraged lately. I know people look up to me for some reason and I feel like I'm going to rub off on them. Hopefully not. And hopefully the fact that I'm still sticking with it despite wanting to quit is encouraging enough for them right now. (Oh, and that even though I ate like crap yesterday, it's not a big deal as long as it's not a normal thing.)

It's Just A Workout

There is absolutely no reason I need to be investing so much energy into being upset with my performance in CrossFit. I've shed way too many tears for what is really just a workout.

I'm not competing in any contests or competitions. I joined because I wanted to change things up and get a good workout. As long as I'm doing that, it really shouldn't matter how quickly I'm progressing, or if I'm progressing at all.

If I have a shitty night of sleep, it's okay to skip a day. I don't HAVE to go every single day. It's not worth it to do a workout that's just going to bring me down because I can't do it that well.

I need to devote less time and energy into CrossFit (rather, worrying about it) and more into my family and what will come next for us. Am I going to quit? No. At least not right now. I don't know what the future holds. (Interestingly, for someone who doesn't want to listen to anything about it, my husband also doesn't want me to quit. Go figure.) But I need to regroup and realize that it really is only a workout and nothing more. I don't have to work on things at home... I can leave it at the box and be done with it by 7am each day.

Having said that, I'm going to totally kill my diet today since the scale is moving up again anyway. I do not condone emotional eating. But I love to bake and it makes me feel better, so I'm going to bake. And if I want to eat it, I will. (Duh, of course I'll eat it!)

Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll have an attitude change back to how I was... I have an appointment on Tuesday with my doctor to review my medications and hopefully adjust them somehow, whether it's upping my current dosages or changing. We'll see what that does for my spirits!!

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My inner badass is SCREAMING at me right now for being so fucking whiny and talking about giving up!!

Patience Is A Virtue

I am not a patient person when it comes to improving myself. For the most part, I'm pretty patient with other people (including my crazy kids). But when it comes to myself... forget it. I expect things to come easily to me and when they don't, I get frustrated. I have absolutely NO basis to think that about exercise, but I do for some reason. Fortunately, I have some (one particularly) super awesome people (person) in my life to help me not get discouraged. Or to talk me down when I do.

The problem is that I don't just want to be better, I want to be GOOD. I can handle for not great since that's not even possible. But I'd like to be decent. I like being good at things. What's the point in doing something if you're not even good at it?? I've been doing CrossFit for 5 months now and I'm not really sure how close I am to being decent. Not close, for sure.

Yesterday I was ready to quit. I had a blog post up (and quickly deleted) and an email composed to my CF coach. I deleted that, too, but confessed to her later what was going on. (Insert peptalk.)

I'm not really ready to give up, I guess. I've come a long way in 5 months. So while I may not be good, I'm improving still and that counts for something.

I was told once that people tend to peak at about 6mo into CrossFit and that's kind of haunted me.. but logically, if I keep working at it, I could be an exception to that. I like being the exception.