Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down This Wall!

If it's one thing I've learned very clearly in my life, it's that no matter what, you can only depend on yourself. Unless it's whining from kids. That's always something you can depend on! Sadly, despite knowing this, I still lean on others or look to others for help when I  know I shouldn't. Eventually, I'll always get burned, even if it isn't intentional on the part of the offender.

When I reached my goal weight, I had the following quote imprinted on a pendant (and my original weight on the back).

No one saves us but ourselves. We ourselves must walk the path.

(The original quote is actually: "No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." But it was too long!)

Until recently, I ALWAYS wore that pendant. At some point, I found the courage to take it off (after it repeatedly got busted off the necklace at the gym). It's on my key chain now. It always stood as a reminder of what I used to be and what I never want to become again. I finally decided that I didn't NEED it anymore. But sometimes I still want it. I reach for it daily still. I'm comforted when I see it, thought I don't seek it out (usually).

While I had Lisa's help to lose weight, ultimately I did it on my own. And while I've had trainers who have pushed me and helped me along the way, again, ultimately I was the one who did it. I know I needed that push and that support. But when it came right down to it, they didn't do the work for me. (Look at me being all positive!!)

I know I have let people down before. I don't think many people go out seeking others to hurt and disappoint. It's just a fact of life, unfortunately. More than anything, I would love to keep my kids in a bubble and prevent them from ever feeling that kind of disappointment from someone they trust. Unfortunately, I know that at some point, I will disappoint them myself. I just hope that I never let them down so much that they think they can't ever depend on me. And hopefully they won't learn to be as jaded as I am.

It makes for a rather lonely feeling not allowing yourself to get close to people in fear that they'll let you down. Letting that wall down and getting hurt only makes it that much harder the next time someone new steps into your life. What's the key to not getting hurt? Not caring? That can't be it! You cannot go through life without caring about others. Not trusting? Trusting only to a certain point? If so, what's that point?

I doubt there's a way to solve this problem. I know the issue lies within me. I like caring about people. I like that feeling when I do trust someone... right up to the point of when they do something that ultimately hurts me. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe that's my problem.