10 Positive Things

I complain. A LOT. So today I'm trying to be positive. It's not going so well and it's only 9am. In hopes of getting rid of the Negative Nelly attitude, I'm going to list 10 positive things about myself. The goal is to ONLY be positive, no buts allowed. And nothing wishy-washy positive! Be patient with me... It's going to be hard!


1. I'm in way better shape than I have ever been, even when I was working out 2+ hours a day and running to/from the gym.


2. I did not inherit the douchebag gene that apparently runs in my family.


3. I am a mostly nice person and genuinely care about people.


4. I can make cool things.


5. I don't give up easily.


6. I'm working really hard to become a better person in every aspect of my life. Some days are better than others, but I keep plugging along because being better feels great.


7. I believe in people.


8. I believe in myself. Despite the haunting thoughts that go through my head, I really do. Mostly.


9. I'm pretty goofy. Yes, this is a good thing! I love being goofy!


10. I think I'm funny. Others may or may not, but I crack myself up. And that counts to me!

Get Over It!

Yesterday's Team WOD totally got the best of me and I don't even really know why. I've ALWAYS had to modify things I do at CrossFit. Like, everything almost. I walked in yesterday with confidence, but wasn't thinking it wouldn't be hard or that I wouldn't struggle. It's always hard. I always struggle. The people were awesome, as always. No one there is ever anything but great. No one ever even suggests that I shouldn't be there. So why do I feel like I shouldn't??

A lady who I've met one other time before yesterday (and who I didn't even talk to last time) came up to me afterward and told me that I should be so hard on myself. WHAT?!? I laughed. What else could I do?? It was so absurdly true that I couldn't do anything but laugh. I'm way too easy for people to read, apparently.

No details, but when I got home those feelings were just compounded and my day continued to take a dive as far as my confidence was concerned. I cried way too much yesterday. Usually a nap helps, but yesterday it didn't. (Probably because I fell asleep for 2.5 seconds before the kids woke me up.)

I'm waiting for that "AHA!" moment when I figure out why I'm so  hard on myself... Then I can get over it. It's hard to get over something when you don't know what it is you're supposed to be getting over!

I don't want to go to CF tomorrow. Yesterday I contemplated taking a week off. Obviously that's not an option, nor is not going tomorrow. If it's one thing I've learned, when I'm in a funk I CANNOT let it keep me from my routine. Otherwise, things will just get worse.

I'm such a whiny pain in the ass. But I'm not a quitter. That should make up for a little of the whining, right??

The thing is, despite my post from yesterday, I actually enjoy being able to do these physical things (or enjoy trying to). And as I've said before, it does make me feel stronger/better when I finally can do something. I think I feel the spark coming back. I think. Not much, and obviously not enough to really be sure, but hopefully I'll really feel it soon. I need this. I don't know why I need CF, but I do. It's been great for me so far and I can't let a little bit (or a lot) of self doubt get in my way.

Sometimes I Wonder Why I Bother

Do I really need to be able to do real pull ups? Or climb a rope? Or do handstands? Or jump over shit? OK, maybe the jumping over shit might come in handy when kids leave their crap on the floor, but everything else? What's the point?

It's kinda cool to be able to do things, but is it worth putting myself through this over and over and getting so upset with myself when I can't?

At some point I'll get over myself and be enthusiastic about CrossFit again. Today just sucked for me. Talk about humbling. Here I was all positive and confident today and WHAM!

Today has definitely been a good reminder that things aren't always smooth sailing.

Brownies Are Not Paleo

Huge mistake to eat a brownie (or 2) before working out. I have no idea what I was thinking. So not worth it. Ugh.

Picture Overload

I hate my arms. I also hate my stomach, but at least that is covered. My arms though... YUCK. I prefer to workout in sleeveless shirts, which poses a bit of a problem with my icky, stretch marked, distracting arms.

Interestingly, I was looking through some pictures yesterday and came across one where my arms looked skinny... Well, skinny with lots of extra skin!! Yuck! (No wonder the one instructor in TX kept telling me I need to eat more protein!!)

(How cute are my little Woody and Jessie?!?)

I realized that though my arms are definitely not skinny now, and definitely still have chub and skin, at least they've got some muscle going on under there. I don't have a pic to show, but it's there.

In other pics from that time, I have an unmistakable light in my eyes. (Not in that pic because we were BEAT!) I don't know where it went. It must've run off with my confidence at some point. I need to find both again because it was nice!!

I also found this picture the other day. It was taken in January 2003.

EEK! Huge difference between then and now!! There was definitely no light in my eyes there.

It's interesting how perspective plays such a huge role in how you feel about yourself. With skinny, extra skin arms, I felt so much more confident than I do now because I felt thin. I was only 15lbs lighter than I am now (if that) and obviously not in as good of shape as I am now.

As I'm sitting here writing this, I realize how that makes absolutely NO sense at all. I should be more comfortable with how I look now than with those skinny, skin arms. I'm slowly coming around. It's hard to adjust your thinking sometimes. Especially when society beats into our heads that skinny is the best. (Oh lord, did I really just blame "society"!?) Of course, growing up it was also beat into my head that skinny was better. But that's for another time.

Not that it should really matter, but I've lost 10lbs. The last documented weight was at the beginning of December, though I know it went up over the holidays. I was just never able get the courage to write it down!

I do, however, have pics from just after I started CF and now. I should've known better than to wear a regular t-shirt for the first pic, but too late now.

Sept. 2011

Jan. 2012

I'm a dork. Forgive me, please.

On a positive note... That extra skin makes me look like I  have huge muscles in that last pic! 

I see a slight difference, I think. I don't know though. It's hard to tell because of the t-shirt. Oh well. 

Powerless

The feeling of being completely powerless in a situation is horrible. Nothing you can say or do will have any impact on the situation. What's done is done and you have to live with it.

Realizing that you've been completely dicked over by someone you love is mind blowing -- and not in a good way.

Rage can't change things. Tears can't change things. Will words do anything? Will it make matters worse? Does the recipient have enough of a soul to even care?

I'm struggling trying to explain to myself that this is not my fault. (Though, if I hadn't been so weak before, would this have happened?? Why did I sit back and take someone's word for it?)

In situations like these (yes, I know I'm being vague and I apologize), I usually turn to food. Or beating the shit out of walls or something (if my 4 year old wasn't here, I'd definitely be doing that). I am mentally and physically exhausted, so a killer workout isn't even going to do anything but bring me down more.

So I am sitting on my ass and writing. And crying. But hey, I'm not eating, right?? (Not that there's anything worth splurging on in the house!) One thing I've learned over the last few years is that food really isn't all that comforting once you realize how much damage you've done, especially as a reaction to something that you cannot control.

Actions of others should have no bearing of what I choose to ingest. An ice cream cone or doughnut or cookie may make me feel better for the few minutes it takes to eat, but losing that self control makes it worse in the long run. It's much more enjoyable to eat something "bad" when it's planned and calculated and you can enjoy every bite.

Having an outlet is extremely important. Exercise is a far better outlet for me than eating ever was. Writing has always been great for me as well, but sometimes it isn't enough. Thank God I'm going back to CrossFit tonight. Working on technique always helps. (Lifting heavy shit helps, too... But there's not going to be much of that tonight.)

Grumpy Gus

I woke up grumpy and teary today with zero positive thoughts running through my head. And craving junk food.

Sound familiar to anyone?? UGH. PMS blows.

I knew this day would come. When you've vowed to completely change your eating habits and then CRAVE cake or ice cream (dear God, what I'd do for a huge slice of chocolate cake right now.. or some Orange Leaf... mmmm...) makes things rather difficult!! Especially when you've always found comfort in food! (Some super salty fries sound awesome right now, too!)

There are things I want to write that lean towards the positive side and every time I start, the tears start also. (See, I'm a whack job!) But I'll try anyway. Maybe the tears will be therapeutic?

I've had a runner friend here who has been offering to run with me. My CF coach has also wanted me to work on it. I haven't run since I hurt my ankle months ago, except for during workouts. It's debatable if what I do/did can even be called running though. I suck at running.

So as of yesterday (when I wasn't feeling all crappy about life), I decided that I'm going to work on my running again. Boo. I don't want to. Nothing that makes you feel weak is fun. But every once in a while, I listen to the positive bullshit that's coming out of the mouths of others and what (sometimes) goes through my head.

I get a big kick out of people who think I'm awesome because I do things that are hard for me. I'm not awesome. I hate being weak. Fear is weak. (I also hate hate HATE disappointing people. Especially people who put a lot of time and effort into helping me. Good reason or not to take things on, it helps me stay motivated and get results.)

Speaking of fear... (I may or may not get back to the running this post. But long story short, I'm going to start running again with an amazing woman who I've met here. This sure will put our friendship to a test!! And I also need to work on how to run properly, rather than dragging my feet along the ground a bit faster than a walking pace!)

One of my New Years Resolutions is to learn to swim. I signed up for swim lessons, which begin in a few weeks. I just checked to see if the class has made and there are only 2 spots remaining. That means this is going to happen, I guess.

Seriously, just thinking about this makes my heart POUND and makes me start shaking. I'm terrified. I would pop a Xanax before the first lesson, but that might backfire and make things worse! ;)

Yes, I know I grew up in Florida. And yes, at one time I could swim. But somewhere along the way I became terrified of the water. I was never a very good swimmer to begin with, but I've lost all ability, and it has nothing to do with putting on a swimsuit (which reminds me... I need to go buy one).



Now that I got that out, I'm going to go watch a tear jerker movie and fold laundry while the hubby and kids are at the park. (It's always fun to be left behind so I can do chores!)

Zumba vs. CrossFit

I need to address this before I offend more people.

I made a comment about being "Zumba fit" in a previous post. I am not knocking being Zumba fit. Being able to do Zumba is awesome. It's what got me interested in working out. I love it, given the right instructor.

Zumba is fun. If taught right it's an awesome cardio workout.

CrossFit is fun. It's a different kind of fun. There's no dancing in CrossFit. ;)

CrossFit pushes you. HARD. You do things that you've probably never done before. Despite making some great friends at regular gyms, there's a different kind of camaraderie with CrossFit.

The strength you can build in CF is much different than that you'll do in Zumba. I have the muscles to prove it, too! ;)

I truly believe that as long as you're exercising and having fun, that's what counts. Do I think I'm better than those who do Zumba? Hell no. (My Zumba teacher in TX could still kick my ass!!) I think exercise is extremely important. For ME, I wanted to ramp things up a bit. The Zumba here blows and I thought I'd give CF a try. I fell in love with it (and the people there). I don't think CF is for everyone. I don't think Zumba is for everyone. I do, however, think working out should be for everyone and that each person needs to find what they like best.

Jumping to Conclusions

One day I may look back on this post and think about how trite it is... Kinda like how I look back on my posts from the very beginning. But right now I'm pretty stoked about it, so I don't care.

I've had this huge mental block with box jumps (which is literally jumping on a box). I couldn't jump. I was never athletic growing up. Sure, I liked the bouncy songs in Zumba, but when we're talking JUMPING OFF THE GROUND.. yeah, couldn't do it. That's not a slam against myself.. I really couldn't do it!

I've been working on box jumps for months now (and still have the bruised shins to prove it). With amazing coaches who have been super patient with me, I started out jumping on plates (like the workout plates). I started really low. After a while, I was able to jump higher and higher and able to ALMOST do the 20" for a box jump. Once or twice I got it. But when I stepped in front of the box, I would get stuck.

One of my CrossFit resolutions is to no longer do modified box jumps... to get up on that box each time.

Well by God, I finally fucking did it! On Wednesday I was able to do several after practicing on plates. I was pretty excited, but skeptical since I've been able to do it before (though not nearly as many). I was worried that I would need the plates again. So Thursday morning I gave it a shot and was able to do a real box jump! Again, super excited! But that didn't mean I could do it in a WOD!

I didn't have to wait too long to try... Today we had box jumps in the WOD. Prior to the WOD we had to figure out our max height for them. I got a new personal record of 22"!! (A few weeks ago I did 21"... but it wasn't on a box.) Another of my CrossFit resolutions is 24"... I'd assumed it would be by the end of the year, but that's silly (as long as I keep practicing, anyway).

So a new PR for height AND my first WOD with Rx box jumps! (I did 48 of them!!)

The only problem is that now I need to find something else to focus on clicking!! I've been obsessing about box jumps for so long that it seems weird! And I'll admit it... It seems scary to move on to something else!!

ONWARD!!

Me Eat Food

About 2 weeks ago I decided to change up my diet. I committed myself to a month and would see from there. Some call it a fad diet, and I'm kind of mixed on what I think about it. It goes against a lot of what I learned from Lisa (and just in general growing up). However. It also makes sense. I decided to try it because it eliminates a lot of foods that many people are sensitive to without realizing it.

I make it no secret that I have always had issues with depression. I take two medications each day to help keep it under control. Even that isn't perfect (but you can't expect perfection from a pill). When I began working out, I thought that it would help. It did not. In fact, it kinda made it worse. When I'm tired, I'm more depressed. And I was physically tired ALL.THE.TIME. Having small children won't help, obviously. But there has been more to it than that I've always felt.

I've read that food sensitivities can contribute to depression, as well as bad eating habits in general. I cleaned up my eating but still had to rely on medication. No biggie, I guess. But it sure would be nice to not have to rely on pills to feel normal.

CrossFit is big into the Paleo Diet. It really isn't so much a diet in that it focuses on weight loss. It is about eating clean and eating well. The long and short of it is that you eat what cavemen could eat. Nothing processed. Mainly meats and veggies, with some fruits and nuts thrown in. Sounds simple, right? I figured it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot.

For a few days I felt HORRIBLE. I felt like I was going to throw up constantly. Nothing sounded good to eat. My head was killing me. I was miserable. It got better, but I still felt like crap. Those who I talked to about it promised I'd feel better soon. I realized this week that I've felt SO MUCH better the last few days. I've been playing more with the kids, had more energy, been less grumpy... It's been great. And like I posted yesterday, the scale has finally started liking me again! I've had a splurge here and there, but nothing too crazy. I have never been much of a meat eater, so that has been challenging. But I'm slowly coming around. It's either that or be hungry, so that makes a huge difference! Though since starting CrossFit, I've definitely craved meat a lot more (usually ground).

I still have mixed feelings about it, just because of what all I've learned. But for now it's working for me. It's been fun to try new ways to spice things up in the kitchen. Meals are a little more creative because the same thing gets old fast. The kids think it's kind of weird that I wrap my tacos in lettuce, but other than that, they haven't noticed a difference. Our meals were pretty healthy to begin with, so there hasn't been a huge adjustment for them. Eating out has been a challenge, but I'm learning ways around things... just like I did when I was losing weight before. You just have to get creative!

Hopefully at the end of January I'll still think it's as awesome as I do now!

Jinxing Myself?

I hate posting that I'm doing well with something in fear of those words coming to bite me in the ass. Even if I THINK that I'm doing well, it's been known to happen!

This week, for example. Yesterday morning I had a great workout. I was able to do things better than I had been and it left me feeling super confident. Yesterday evening I went back to the gym. Now, I've been going back in the evenings to work on things since I'm having a hard time with some of the moves clicking. I want to be able to do them right and I want to be able to do them well. And when I can't, it pisses me off. So they're redoing the initial classes you have to take when starting CrossFit and I've been going again in hopes of having things click. Well yesterday, they STILL weren't clicking. I get the concept, but I can't seem to get my body and my mind to work together and do what I'm supposed to!

I left feeling rather defeated, which pissed me off, of course. I went in for Open Gym today and was able to do box jumps that have been taunting me for months!! About an hour after I left, I was all, "HEY! I just did it!! Like, I really did it!!" (Yes, I'm kinda dense sometimes.) Now I just hope that I can continue to do them... I seem to get stuck on them a lot.

On another positive note, I've had several people tell me within the last few days that it looks like I've lost weight. The scale has FINALLY started to go down (after I've changed my eating, of course... which absolutely blows). I'm just ready for my clothes to start fitting better!

I wonder sometimes if I still want to have plastic surgery. My arms and my stomach still REALLY bother me. But since I've started CrossFit, I've been feeling that urge less and less... I don't know what it is exactly. I'm still super self conscious. But I don't necessarily feel that I need to have it done to be confident with myself.

Today is coming to an end and I'm eager to get back to the box tomorrow morning. For a few years now, I've actually looked forward to working out instead of dreading it. But the difference now is that not only do I enjoy what I'm doing, but I'm getting better at things. Sure, I could move a little better in Zumba (err.. a LOT better!) but that's still not a solid skill. Whereas with CrossFit, the things we do are skills that you can measure. Before the only thing I was able to measure was the scale!

I could write a long ass post about why I am so happy that I joined CrossFit, but that will have to wait (mainly because one of the coaches has the link to this blog! Hi, Megan!) No need to get all super mushy and shit! But one day I will write all about the different things that CrossFit (and the coaches there) have taught me in only a few months. And it goes far beyond box jumps and pull ups!

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

There are days when I leave CrossFit feeling confident and days when I leave feeling defeated. I wish I could say today was a confident day.

Today I had a total "fat girl" day while working on learning the very beginning, very basic steps to muscle ups. Hold onto the rings and pull yourself up. Pretty basic, right? My upper body didn't think so. I'm sure I looked like I wasn't trying. (In all honesty, at first I really wasn't. I knew it would be hard, so I didn't bother. But then I gave it a go.)

It goes back to that whole being strong/weak thing. This basic move shouldn't have been so hard. Part of it was my mind. Part of it was I didn't want to look stupid. And part of it was that it really was hard for me.

When I have days like today, I usually allow myself the car ride home for a little pity party. By the time I get home, I'm usually pissed off and am ready to try again. Will I ever be able to do a real muscle up? I cannot say, "Hell yeah I will!" Have you ever seen those things?!? Or tried them?!? I do know that I will bust my ass doing the things that it takes to build my strength up though.

I'm slowly beginning to think of myself as a fighter. If I don't like something, I do my best to change it. If I suck at something, I try harder. I do like to think of myself as a (mostly) nice person, but there's more to me than that. I don't have to be nice all of the time. I don't have to be quiet and sweet. I'm NOT "sugar and spice and everything nice" like my grandmother drilled into my head. (Well, I might take the spice.) Nice isn't going to get me anywhere at the gym. And worrying about not looking stupid and/or failing isn't either.

Knowing Your Target Audience

I have an obsessive personality. I admit that. It's the only way I was able to lose weight. When I care about something new I tend to go overboard in thinking and talking about it.

It has been brought to my attention that people just don't want to hear about my workouts. They don't care what kicked my ass. They don't care how I'm progressing. They don't want to hear about it.

This makes things complicated for me. I get a thrill out of succeeding. I get a thrill out if being able to do something that I never would've dreamed I could.

For 162 hours a week I am a mom. I walk into CFMK (CrossFit Manhattan Kansas) and I am no longer a mom. I'm a chick who wants to succeed. I'm a chick who wants to do things I never imagined I could. And it is exciting.

I leave and I want to talk about it. I want to share my accomplishments. I want to say, "I played with that tractor tire today. My form wasn't the best, I could feel it, but it was fun. I flipped that fucker over so many times and it was AWESOME!"

But no one wants to hear it. So this is where I will let it out. If people read it, great. If not, I got it out of my system a little and that's all I can ask for.

I love CrossFit. Not being able to talk about it sucks, but it won't keep me from going. In all honesty, it will keep me obsessing because the only place I can talk about it or let it out is there. I have read that CF is cult-like. Maybe it is, I dunno. All I know is that I love it. And it will take a lot to keep me away.

Oh. And... I played with that tractor tire today. My form wasn't the best, I could feel it, but it was fun. I flipped that fucker over so many times and it was AWESOME!

A new way of looking at things

Since I started this journey of being healthy and losing weight, I've gone at it at different angles. Back in August I tried yet another different way. CrossFit.

I have absolutely no idea why I thought that I could even do CrossFit at that point in time. It made the bootcamp I did way back when look like it was made for wimps. Yes, I was in way better shape than I used to be, but Zumba and Spinning don't even compare to CrossFit. Then yesterday I came across a blog post that summed it up well when it said, "Sometimes you have to chase who you’re not right now in order to find out who you are. And sometimes who you are is way stronger than you ever realized."

It took months for me to feel like I belonged there. And even now I still have my moments. Looking at my list of resolutions for CrossFit that I made for myself, I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I wrote those down. Definitely not the Jen that the majority of the people in my life know. Am I really strong? I WANT to be. I don't feel that I am. But I so desperately want to be.

That's where CrossFit comes in. The strength that I've built since August is amazing. Physically you can see it, too. I'll be honest.. I don't necessarily care for how it's made me look. But surprisingly, I don't care as much about that as I care about how strong I feel. My desires have changed from being thin to being FIT. Not just Zumba fit, but capable of playing with the big dogs fit.

I am not yet ready to say how much weight I've gained back since I hit my lowest. It scares me and saddens me. I'll admit it, I got slack with my eating. Especially over the Summer From Hell. I guess I've "trimmed down" since starting CF, but the scale has stayed just about the same. BUT! The strength I've built since then is crazy! It's awesome!! It far outweighs the number on the scale.

So my quest has kind of changed. I want to be thinner, yes. But more so, I want to be stronger. While physical strength does not equal mental strength, it damn sure doesn't hurt it!!

As a mother, what is more important? Strength or looks? My children see that I workout every day and it's something that they see as normal for me. They see that I don't complain about my looks and how fat I am. They see that I'm not weak and I believe it makes an impact on them. Again, physical strength doesn't mean mental strength, but they can go hand in hand.

I want my daughter to grow up with the confidence I have always lacked. I want my son to grow up appreciating a woman who has confidence. While this journey is most definitely more for myself than anyone else, it is also for my children. They deserve the best. And by improving myself in all ways possible, I feel like I'm doing what I can to give them that.

As I've been writing this, there's been a loud voice in my head (not REALLY a voice, people) yelling, "But! But!! You're still that girl you've always been! They were right when they told you how lazy you are.. just look, you didn't go to the gym today! And here you are writing this nonsense?? Go step on that scale... Go look at your pictures of that SHORT time you weren't fat!"

Here's the thing... Those thoughts will probably never go away. Too many years with negative thoughts drilled into my head (by myself and others). But. Fuck 'em. I may always be "chunky" and that's ok. But I refuse to be that weak person I once was.