Something Isn't Quite Right

Since starting the new medication I've had pretty good luck with losing weight. It's hard to tell what's actual weight loss or water weight gone or what though. I figure I'll post by update about just how much I've lost, if any, when I go to the doctor on the 27th for my follow up. That'll be 4ish weeks on the medicine.

I'm also going to wait to address the following issue until that day, too. I'd thought about calling my primary doctor about it but while my psychiatrist is messing with my medications, I would rather only have one doc in the mix. Besides, he can handle this stuff or send me to my primary if he's not comfortable. (He is the one who prescribed the weight loss medication.)

The medication has given me a drastic drop in appetite. When I'm hungry, I'm hungry. But when I'm not, food just isn't appealing. And I can tell when I've had enough and I'm satisfied but not full. I've been watching my calorie intake as well and I'm making sure I get enough but not too much.

So the other day I had a "splurge meal" that consisted of a fried chicken breast (no skin), a small amount of mashed potatoes, and a small amount of corn. It was over my calorie allotment for the meal and the next morning I was UP ALMOST 3lbs!!! (We eat a low sodium diet because of my husband's high blood pressure so it wasn't water weight from that.)

My basal metabolic rate is a bit over 1800 calories a day. That means that just by living (no exercise), if I eat 1800 calories per day, I'll maintain my current weight. Except that doesn't happen for me. If I eat that much, I gain weight. I have to eat about 1500-1600/day to maintain. And less if I'm trying to lose.

It's extremely frustrating!!! Yes, my scale is currently down, but for how long??  Am I going to have to maintain this 1500 calorie diet for the rest of my life? Probably. I'll allow myself one splurge meal a week and that's it.

I'm jealous of people who can eat anything they want. I'm sad that I will have to be a food nazi for the rest of my life. I'm angry that I was given crap for genetic genes.

People have asked me why I bother. Well. It isn't ONLY because of looks, though I'll admit that's part of it. It's health reasons, too. When my father passed away, he was over 400lbs and had every health problem known to man. Diabetes, heart problems, bad joints, etc. Ultimately he died of a heart attack while driving.

I already have bad knees. My "good" knee has been causing me a lot of pain just when walking. My surgeon said I'll be looking at knee replacement earlier rather than later in life.

I also have a very common heart issue, but that issue over the years could possibly make my heart weaker and leave me at risk for more concerning heart issues. It's no big deal now, but it could be come one.

Throw in poor self body image and we've got a great recipe for needing to be extra healthy.

It's just all so discouraging. But on the bright side, my depression seems to be at bay... For now.

Never EVER Say Never

Since I wrote in March about "restarting" my weight loss plan, it's been nothing but a stalemate. I've journaled my foods, I've exercised. I've done everything I'm supposed to do to lose weight and I've bounced between the same 2-3 the entire time. Sure, I've had splurge meals. But for the most part I've been diligent with my eating habits and exercise.

Of course, when the kids are out of school for the summer, my ability to exercise decreases dramatically. To compensate, I dropped my calories a bit, per the suggestion of my doctor (who has been on me to lose weight). I still ride but not nearly as much as I want. 

At my last med check appointment last week, I got the lecture again. I told him (AGAIN) that I've been doing everything he told me. And then I broke down crying. It was quite the winning moment. 

He believes that it's my medications that are making me not be able to lose weight. We've been trying new things in order to get me off of those but it takes time. No cold turkey or I could flip my shit. Seriously... One medication (that I've been on for YEARS) can give you brain zaps. I experienced those when I forgot to take my medicine for a week. I had no idea what was happening and it scared the shit out of me. Not literally, thank goodness. I also experienced it when we dropped the dose in half, but it wasn't nearly as bad. 

Last week, he took me off one medication that he believes is the culprit and next month he plans to take me off the other completely. Except in the meantime......

This is where the "never say never" part comes into play. I feel like I need to be honest with myself and with anyone who's followed me on this journey. This is really hard to write. I've been judgmental of others for this as well as other things. I've learned that anytime I judge, it bites me in the ass. And while I've been a lot better about judging, it doesn't take away the judgment from years ago. 

I see others judging me. Even my friends. It's hard. Some believe me when I tell them how hard I've desperately been trying. Some don't. And I see the judgment in the eyes of people who don't know me. I hope I never showed my judgment and made someone feel like people have made me feel. 

So this is it. My moment of truth. 

My doctor put me on a weight loss medication. For the months I've maintained my weight while trying so hard have gotten me nowhere and he's finally believing it. 

Who DOES that!? Who pops a pill to lose weight!? That's taking the easy way out!! Right!?!

So now is when I judge myself for doing just that, and trying very hard to remind myself that I DIDN'T take the easy way out. That I HAVE been trying. Hard. 

It's been a few days now that I've been on it. We'll see how it goes. My scale is down already but it's tricked me like this before. So we'll see.