Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Yesterday was the first day that someone told me they noticed I've lost weight. I know it can be a hard thing to bring up weight issues with peers. I get it. You don't want to offend anyone. But still. I'm down 35lbs and I'm just now getting comments. Or comment.

When I look in the mirror, I do not see that my body has changed. Sure, some clothes fit better. But some don't. It's kind of confusing. I mean, given that much weight, shouldn't I SEE it more!? Shouldn't I notice more in how my clothes fit!? I haven't felt like the weight I've lost has been "real" and this doesn't help that theory.

Granted, if I look at a picture of myself I can see a difference. Not sure how much of a difference I see but I do see something.

Realizing that the way I'm eating how is going to have to be how I eat forever kind of sucks. Maybe I don't have to be AS strict, but the number of calories I'll be able to eat is a lot less than I would think one would have per meal. A "cheat meal" shouldn't be a grilled chicken sandwich.

But alas... It is what it is.

Traveling Woes

When you're traveling, there's so little you can eat at restaurants. Grilled chicken sandwiches and salads. That's about it. And the granola bars I made and brought along as well as Clif Bars. Keeping my calorie count in check is soooo hard.

Following up with the last post, it's still that I gain weight at 1800 calories. I've been eating a 1200 calorie diet (per my doctor's suggestion).

Before we left, I surrendered my scale to my shrink because I was obsessing about my weight. Since being on the medication I have lost weight but at this point I don't know how much. The plan is that I only weigh at her office at my weekly appointment. Except I'm going to be out of town for 2.5 weeks.  I also have a med check appointment every few weeks by my pill pusher guy. I won't see either until the 20th of August. I also won't workout until then so I can't cheat and weigh there. Unless I can find a gym during the last week of travels.

I'm so stressed about the whole weight/food thing.

Something Isn't Quite Right

Since starting the new medication I've had pretty good luck with losing weight. It's hard to tell what's actual weight loss or water weight gone or what though. I figure I'll post by update about just how much I've lost, if any, when I go to the doctor on the 27th for my follow up. That'll be 4ish weeks on the medicine.

I'm also going to wait to address the following issue until that day, too. I'd thought about calling my primary doctor about it but while my psychiatrist is messing with my medications, I would rather only have one doc in the mix. Besides, he can handle this stuff or send me to my primary if he's not comfortable. (He is the one who prescribed the weight loss medication.)

The medication has given me a drastic drop in appetite. When I'm hungry, I'm hungry. But when I'm not, food just isn't appealing. And I can tell when I've had enough and I'm satisfied but not full. I've been watching my calorie intake as well and I'm making sure I get enough but not too much.

So the other day I had a "splurge meal" that consisted of a fried chicken breast (no skin), a small amount of mashed potatoes, and a small amount of corn. It was over my calorie allotment for the meal and the next morning I was UP ALMOST 3lbs!!! (We eat a low sodium diet because of my husband's high blood pressure so it wasn't water weight from that.)

My basal metabolic rate is a bit over 1800 calories a day. That means that just by living (no exercise), if I eat 1800 calories per day, I'll maintain my current weight. Except that doesn't happen for me. If I eat that much, I gain weight. I have to eat about 1500-1600/day to maintain. And less if I'm trying to lose.

It's extremely frustrating!!! Yes, my scale is currently down, but for how long??  Am I going to have to maintain this 1500 calorie diet for the rest of my life? Probably. I'll allow myself one splurge meal a week and that's it.

I'm jealous of people who can eat anything they want. I'm sad that I will have to be a food nazi for the rest of my life. I'm angry that I was given crap for genetic genes.

People have asked me why I bother. Well. It isn't ONLY because of looks, though I'll admit that's part of it. It's health reasons, too. When my father passed away, he was over 400lbs and had every health problem known to man. Diabetes, heart problems, bad joints, etc. Ultimately he died of a heart attack while driving.

I already have bad knees. My "good" knee has been causing me a lot of pain just when walking. My surgeon said I'll be looking at knee replacement earlier rather than later in life.

I also have a very common heart issue, but that issue over the years could possibly make my heart weaker and leave me at risk for more concerning heart issues. It's no big deal now, but it could be come one.

Throw in poor self body image and we've got a great recipe for needing to be extra healthy.

It's just all so discouraging. But on the bright side, my depression seems to be at bay... For now.

Never EVER Say Never

Since I wrote in March about "restarting" my weight loss plan, it's been nothing but a stalemate. I've journaled my foods, I've exercised. I've done everything I'm supposed to do to lose weight and I've bounced between the same 2-3 the entire time. Sure, I've had splurge meals. But for the most part I've been diligent with my eating habits and exercise.

Of course, when the kids are out of school for the summer, my ability to exercise decreases dramatically. To compensate, I dropped my calories a bit, per the suggestion of my doctor (who has been on me to lose weight). I still ride but not nearly as much as I want. 

At my last med check appointment last week, I got the lecture again. I told him (AGAIN) that I've been doing everything he told me. And then I broke down crying. It was quite the winning moment. 

He believes that it's my medications that are making me not be able to lose weight. We've been trying new things in order to get me off of those but it takes time. No cold turkey or I could flip my shit. Seriously... One medication (that I've been on for YEARS) can give you brain zaps. I experienced those when I forgot to take my medicine for a week. I had no idea what was happening and it scared the shit out of me. Not literally, thank goodness. I also experienced it when we dropped the dose in half, but it wasn't nearly as bad. 

Last week, he took me off one medication that he believes is the culprit and next month he plans to take me off the other completely. Except in the meantime......

This is where the "never say never" part comes into play. I feel like I need to be honest with myself and with anyone who's followed me on this journey. This is really hard to write. I've been judgmental of others for this as well as other things. I've learned that anytime I judge, it bites me in the ass. And while I've been a lot better about judging, it doesn't take away the judgment from years ago. 

I see others judging me. Even my friends. It's hard. Some believe me when I tell them how hard I've desperately been trying. Some don't. And I see the judgment in the eyes of people who don't know me. I hope I never showed my judgment and made someone feel like people have made me feel. 

So this is it. My moment of truth. 

My doctor put me on a weight loss medication. For the months I've maintained my weight while trying so hard have gotten me nowhere and he's finally believing it. 

Who DOES that!? Who pops a pill to lose weight!? That's taking the easy way out!! Right!?!

So now is when I judge myself for doing just that, and trying very hard to remind myself that I DIDN'T take the easy way out. That I HAVE been trying. Hard. 

It's been a few days now that I've been on it. We'll see how it goes. My scale is down already but it's tricked me like this before. So we'll see. 

New Bike Bliss

In less than a week, I'll be doing my second 30 mile ride. I'm so excited!

Not only am I excited for the ride, but it's going to be on my NEW BIKE! Granted, I've had the bike since Mother's Day and I've ridden it a lot, but it'll be my first ride ride on it! And my longest on it!

It's a road bike that the hubby bought me Mother's Day weekend. I am soooo in love with it. It rides like a dream.

Have I Found My New Exercise??

The CASA ride was over the weekend and my friend, Amy, and I did it together. As a last minute thing, I decided to buy a new bike seat without testing it out first. Seriously... I bought it about 30 minutes before the store closed! But that was some of the best $50 I've ever spent!! ($50 for a bike seat?!)

Here we are before the ride started... Take note of how I look and how she looks so you can compare to later.

I had 2 goals for the ride. 1) Complete the 30+ miles and 2) Not be the last ones.  Almost as soon as we got to the starting line up, I realized that #2 was NOT happening!! We were, by FAR, the most casual riders there. We didn't have all of the fancy gear or snazzy road bikes. But we had determination!

I'd driven the ride a couple of months ago, but I guess I blocked out just how hilly it was once reaching a certain point. Holy hell. Those hills came one right after the other and just didn't stop!! Didn't help that we had a headwind either.

We reached the halfway point and took a break, both of us agreeing that despite the suck factor of the hills, we'd totally do the ride again next year.

On the way back, it was more enjoyable, I think. I guess it was because we got the sucky hills out of the way first, then we could enjoy the tailwind, downhill slope, and beautiful scenery!

When we got back to the park where we started, we both agreed that it was an awesome ride! (And a person best for length and miles per hour total for us both!) We will both look into rides again for the future!

Here we are after. Explain to me why I am a sweaty mess and Amy is not!!! Totally unfair.

To backtrack a little bit... My daughter taught herself to ride her bike the day before the race. When I got home, I was unable to resist the plea, "Mommy, will you come ride with me, please?"  So back on my bike I got.... And while the padded shorts and new comfy seat were GREAT, getting back on the bike after 3+ hours HURT. But not as bad as the following day when she asked me again. OUCH.

It's now three days since the CASA ride and I went for a hilly 11 mile ride with another friend.  I was surprised at how winded I was by the hills, though when I finished, I realized that my gears were a lot higher (?) and I was a lot faster. I was exerting more effort than I had on previous trips to the same place. I'm totally not making sense.

ANYWAY! The long and the short of it is that it was AWESOME and I totally cannot wait until the next ride! There's one on May 31st and I'm hoping to be able to do it!

(On the weight front... I got my 5lbs off and got my pedicure. Since the ride, I'm up 5lbs. I've been told that it's normal and in a few days the scale will be friendly to me again. I sure hope so b/c I'm super bummed about it.)

Bikes and bribes

At the beginning of May, I'm doing a 30mi bike ride with some friends in support of CASA*. I think it just might kill me. If the ride was 30 flat miles, I think I'd be ok. But there are hills. And while some hills may be small, they're still hills!!
So far, my knee is holding up with the training. (knock on wood) But it's about to get serious and I hope I can do it.


I go back and forth with wanting to make sure I'm healthy/not focusing on my weight and stressing about what I look like. Logically, I know that being healthy is most important. But I also know that with less weight, my heart won't have to work as hard when I exercise. Either way, I've got some work to do.

My current plan is bribing myself for losing weight. I'm in desperate need of a pedicure and I want some $$$ shampoo. Silly, I know. But both are wants, not needs and I'm hoping it'll help me drop some weight.




(CASA - Court Appointed Special Advocates - is a community-based program that recruits, trains and supports citizen-volunteers to advocate for the best interests of abused and neglected children in courtrooms and communities).

Restart.

Nine months since I blogged last and I realize that I need to start back up with it.

In September I had my knee scoped to figure out what was going on. I heard it would take about 6mo to get back to normal and that's been pretty true. As I wrote last time, my knee has lots of degeneration and had a torn lateral meniscus, which was fixed. The surgeon "cleaned up" the falling apart cartilage, which left me with not much cushion in my knee. Think pain. Lots of pain.


As posted before, I've gained a lot of weight. Except now it's more. Because, you know, knee surgery kinda leaves you on your ass for quite awhile. Along with my weight increasing, so has my depression. Of course, that leads me to eating more and then my weight going up, then being more depressed... you know where I'm going with this. It's a horrible cycle.

I promised myself yesterday that I'd get back on track, just like I've promised myself several times in the last few months. But it's so very hard when you turn to eating as your comfort. Terrible, I know, but it is what it is.


Looking back, I find it interesting what I titled my blog. I thought I'd be the fat girl who finally made it to no longer being overweight. But I didn't. I'm fat again.

It's most definitely a journey, and not a fun one. I wish I could say I'm not one of those statistics that gets fat again, but alas, it's not true. As with my depression, I'm hoping to fight this and no longer be a fat girl--on the outside at least. It's not that I want to be thin... I think that ship has sailed. I just want to not be fat. I want to be comfortable with how I look and how I feel, but that doesn't mean I have to be thin. It also doesn't mean I have to be what I am now.

On the depression front, I have been seeing a psychiatrist to help figure out my meds. I knew that taking that step would lead to a lot of changing, which could lead to me feeling like shit. And boy was I right! Once things are figured out, I *should* feel better overall. But who knows. I'm not hopeful that I'll ever feel good at this point.