A Cheery Update

The first counseling appointment always sucks. Not that I've been to tons of counselors, but the initial meeting that goes over every possible reason you may be as fucked up as you are... it just sucks. It feels like excuse after excuse of why I'm a crappy mother/wife/friend. I KNOW I need to just suck it up and get over it. I DO! But apparently it's just not that easy.

The lady seemed nice and got to the nitty gritty rather quickly. I hope that is a good sign.

Yesterday, I had a major meltdown and spent the rest of the day in a bit of a stupor. I had planned/wanted to cancel my appointment for today, but it was so bad that I just couldn't.

I've gotten a few texts/emails asking how I'm doing and people saying they're worried about me. Until yesterday, I didn't feel like there was anything bad enough to worry about really. And not that there REALLY is now, but I feel like I have been too close to the edge of losing control. And that's just not an option in my life.

As of now, my medications are staying the same and I'll be going to counseling once a week until things get under control. At least she didn't feel that I was worthy of  committing!! Or even seeing more than once a week. But thankfully, she thinks it's more important than every other week or monthly. Because I know that it is, which sucks admitting.

My eating is out of control and I don't even care. I didn't go to CrossFit today and I don't even care. I'm considering being a no-show tomorrow for my weightlifting coach/group (even knowing full well that one reads this blog).

Last night I slept almost 12 hours before my husband had to wake me. I could've slept more. If left to my own devices, I could probably sleep most of the day away and not so much because I'm tired. Knowing that scares the crap out of me.

As long as I'm writing, there's nothing to worry about. Promise. As hard as it is to admit there's a problem, doing so makes it easier to get a handle on.

Well Then!!

While I was gone, I tried making a few posts from my phone... looks as if none made it!

Stress!!

So much going on. My father-in-law passed away.  :(  I'm leaving today to go be with my husband and his family. My mom is going to watch the kids, but despite my request to come to KS to do it, she's fighting me on taking them back to Arkansas with her. It's causing me so much stress... rather, so much ADDITIONAL stress. Because I don't have enough to deal with as it is.

To add to it, I got a message from someone from high school on Facebook just now and about lost it.


You should give this body by vi a shot! It's AWESOME and with the amount u work out, it will fall off you. Just a thought! Trying to get my lil business off the ground lol! If you hear of anyone needing/wanting to lose weight PLS send them my way!! Thank you!



Thanks for telling me I need to lose weight! I REALLY appreciate that. People don't workout only to lose weight.

OK, yes, I know it's a plug for whatever stupid shit she's selling. But Jesus Fucking Christ!!!  She might as well have punched me in the gut.

Excluded

I'm feeling so excluded today.

Some of my closest friends are together in Tennessee in a cabin having an awesome time. Facebook is blowing up with posts of pics and videos showing how much fun they're having.

This morning was one the first little competition between people who I lift with. I had to miss it and missed a friend PR her clean & jerk! It would've been sooo awesome to see!

No CrossFit team WOD this morning b/c the little one has dance rehearsal. (And her dance "recital" is tonight.)

The husband was in Boston at a conference. Granted, this situation is a little different... He left early from the conference to see his father who is really, really sick.

Here I am at home with the kids. The older one is fighting off some bug and is cranky. The little one is bouncing off the walls because she's just crazy.

Yesterday I got the lucky task of telling the kids that their grandfather is dying. That was fun. And continues to be a blast with random questions being asked here and there. And not easy ones either. My son took the conversation in a totally different direction than I was expecting and began asking about my biological father (who passed away 2 years ago).

It was a tough day yesterday. And today doesn't seem like it'll be much different. The weather is supposed to get bad and I'm scared. After the whole swimming/not being able to breathe thing, my next fear is tornadoes. Silly? Maybe. But I'm scared. And I have to not be scared for the kids. (I haven't even told them yet b/c after telling them yesterday about their grandfather, I don't think they needed to deal with it.)

I'm just ready for this weekend to be over.

Give Credit Where Credit Is Due

I struggle with being positive about things (shocker!) but looking back over a post from the other day, I feel like I need to give myself a little bit of credit.

In the post where I did the 93# squat clean, I said I finished last with that day's WOD blah blah blah. Well yes, I did finish last. But! There was a reason I did. I struggle with push ups. I usually use my knees and sometimes use the bands. But on that particular day, I decided to do all real push ups. Obviously, that's going to make my time slower since they're really hard for me. So yeah, maybe I did come in last. And maybe I didn't finish in the 12 minutes. But I did do real push ups and I finished the WOD in 25min and change. (WOD: 12 Rounds w/ 3 deadlifts every 3 rounds:  5 pull ups, 10 push ups, 15 air squats.)  

So there are good and bad things and I can't just focus on the bad. I have to look at WHY sometimes... Did I do something with more weight? Or did I do something Rx that I couldn't before? Those things play into time and aren't to be discounted. Yes, I took a long time, but I did 50 gazillion push ups without going to my knees! OK, so 50 gazillion is a slight exaggeration. But just slight! (OK, OK.. it was 120. But still!)

(I just went back to look and saw that I wasn't the only one who didn't finish. There were some in the afternoon class who didn't also. I still had the worst time.)

Enough positive for now. It's making my head spin.

PRs Are Awesome.

My funk has not subsided, but today my spirits were lifted a bit when I hit 2 new PRs.

The first was a clean and jerk at 84#. Then I was pissed that I couldn't do 87#, so I decided to PR my clean (like I did the other day) and hit 100#. Triple digits, baby!!

I'm stuck at 68# for my snatch though.

One of the best things about it was that Coach M was there. I love hitting PRs when she's there b/c she gets so excited. She's missed my last 2 and it was such a bummer, especially with the box jumps.

Another Round of "Fake It Til You Make It"

Seems like my life is a constant state of faking it. I wonder if I'm the only one. Things happen that trigger my funks and it's hard to get back on track.

My body is tired from working out. I cannot take a break right now for the sake of my mind.
I'd like to break down and start counseling, but that seems unlikely to happen given that we live in a tiny town and no one seems to have openings. Maybe my medications aren't working as well as I thought. It seems like my moods cycle so much. Maybe I'm bipolar. I KID!! Actually, I think a lot of it is that I need better coping skills. Once upon a time, I just turned to food. I've found myself doing that for the last few days and I CANNOT go down that road again!! Drinking isn't an option. Nor is smoking. Looks like I just need to learn not to be such a whiny brat who takes everything so personally.
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A couple times lately I've been asked to help people with their own weightloss/workout issues and it's so hard! Things they're saying to me I've thought to myself and feel like a hypocrite for saying to them what I should be saying to myself. But! On the positive side, it's nice to know that I'm not alone.. And perhaps that by having to give peptalks it helps me as well. (It actually already has. Crazy. That positive bullshit stuff works. Shhhh...)

This afternoon I plan to take progress pictures and hope to God that they show an improvement in the way my body looks. I know it's not all about looks, but it does help to feel like you look better. 

Bitter and Sad

This is going to be a rough week for me. Several friends are going to be in Tennessee in the moutains this weekend in a cabin in the woods just hanging out and having fun. I was supposed to be there but I'm not going to be. Or I could be in Boston with the hubby, but that's not happening either. Instead, I'm stuck at home and can't even go to workout like I want to once he's gone.

I'm going to be at home and everyone else is going to get to have fun but me. I can't even workout. And yes, I know I sound like a child.
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In workout news... Yesterday, I was able to squat clean 93#. I was pretty excited about it. Today, I was the fat girl who finished last. Not just last, but there was a 20min time cap for 12 rounds and I was the only one who didn't finish the 12 rounds in that time. Go me!!!

Nothing Special, Just a Post

Going back over my last post, I realize that it lacks the sincerity that I felt about the call/texts.

I'm still struggling today. Yesterday I took a 2hr nap in hopes of feeling better. I wanted more than anything to stay in bed until it was time to get the kids, but it was the only time I had to go get Easter basket stuff without them. I guess it says something that I'm still able to get out of bed. I don't think that people who have never experienced depression realize how hard that can be sometimes.

I'm still  making it to workout, too. I may not do well and I may not be "there" when I'm doing things, but right now I'm trying to tell myself that getting there is what's important.

I'm officially  up 20lbs. That means I've only lost 70lbs total instead of the 90lbs I'd reached.  I get that muscle weighs more than fat, but it's no all muscle. Let's face it.. Anyone who can down brownie batter dipped Oreos can't use the excuse of muscle weighing more than fat.


Tomorrow is weightlifting early in the morning. Hopefully I'll do better than Wednesday. Then Sunday we're meeting again. Next week is going to be completely screwed up for working out and it's happening at the absolute worst time!! I just hope I come out of it ok. The hubby will be gone for several days and my regular routine will be impossible. Obviously I can't do mornings. But even evening CF classes are out (except maybe one day) because of other things going on. I worry that I'll say "fuck it" and take off the entire time he's gone. Never mind that I have a membership to the gym at school and I can go when they're both in school (only 2 of the days).

I still feel like staying in bed all day, but I've got too much shit to do. My parents are visiting this weekend and will be here in a few hours. My house is a pit. I hope to get it to the point where it looks like normal people live here. Oh the piles of clean, unfolded laundry.

Also tomorrow is a team workout with the other gym. I mentioned it to the hubby and he said we could do it. BUT. He thinks my parents and the kids should come watch. Because I LOOOOOVE being watched when I workout. Abso-fucking-lutely love it. So the question is: Do I do the WOD with the hubby since he's willing and deal with the on-lookers? Or do I not bother? I'd planned to not do it since I'm lifting before, but the fact that the hubby is willing to come makes me want to do it. Of course, I hate to get my hopes up and have it not happen whether it's because I'm too tired or because he decides not to. Stadium stairs and barbells just don't sound like a great time to me right now.

Feel the Love

Gotta love a phone call that begins:

"Did you get out of bed this morning? And workout? Did you take your meds?"

Texts proclaiming love are great, too.

100 Points For Me

On days like today, I wonder how the hell I'm allowed to care for other human beings when I can barely take care of myself. Thank God I'm able to meet their basic needs on days like today. I get points for that, right??? Hell, last night I was actually able to pull my head up above the surface to make cool little bunny shaped eggs for them for dinner. And then brownies. Of course, when I began dipping double stuffed golden Oreos in the leftover brownie batter, that probably wasn't a good thing. And I wonder why I have a weight problem. PMS and depression are a TERRIBLE combination. TERRIBLE.

Time to get the kiddo ready for school... which starts in 20 minutes. I guess I should revise my earlier statement to say BARELY meet their basic needs.

Struggling

I'm struggling to keep my head above the water today. I feel defeated by life. It's possible that I haven't taken my medicine properly lately, I just don't remember. I know today I took only one because I couldn't find the other bottle. I didn't take either yesterday. Not sure about the days before.

I want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep, but I can't. I shouldn't even be sitting down writing this, but I can't focus on what I'm supposed to be doing, so I thought it might help.

It's one of those days where I feel like I'm facing the world all alone.

One Breath At A Time

The problem with improving something you struggle with is that once you can do it ok, people expect you to keep improving. Sure, that's the goal most people have. But sometimes isn't it ok to just be able to do it a little?? Who cares how well you can swim!?!

Last night my swim coach decided that I'm not longer allowed to use any kind of floatation device even for warm up!! I've been using just the paddle/kickboard thing. But noooo.. not anymore.

Some people would be happy with that. But not me. Know why?? Because that makes me have to go to the next step: putting my head under water and swimming. I swear that I thought I was going to have a panic attack last night when I tried it while holding onto the kickboard! I think that once I was able to stay under for 3 seconds. As in, that was the LONGEST.

I'm pathetic. I know it. I can't help it. I'm terrified of not being able to breathe.

Don't Worry, Be Happy

I'm a worrier. I can't help it, I worry. Having kids made it worse.

Yesterday, I took my son to a birthday party. He played and had fun, but when it came time to do the cake and everything, he sat (with kids he didn't know) and remained quiet the rest of the time. He's such a sweet and  introverted child. It makes me hurt when I see that he wants to be part of something but just can't bring himself to take the step to do it.

His teacher swears up and down to me that socially he is fine. Yes, he's quiet, but he has friends and plays with other kids and all that jazz.

For the last few weeks, he's been testing for the gifted program here. (He tested into it in Texico, but has to be retested in Kansas. No biggie.) His math scores are great and they decided they want to put him into 2nd grade math (he's in 1st grade.. and the youngest at that). If it goes well, he'll go to 3rd grade math next year.

By doing this, he's going to be out of his regular classroom for 45min each morning. He'll miss his little math practice test they do each morning, as well as calendar time (which he says he hates) and 15min of language arts. His teacher is comfortable with him missing calendar time and part of language arts.

Obviously, I'm extremely proud of him. Extremely. Now, when he's in middle school and doing higher math than I've ever been able to do I might be annoyed! But right now, I think it's awesome!

He loves me.