Lonely

There have been times recently when I've felt really lonely... like I didn't have anyone to talk to. The hubby left earlier this week (for 3 weeks!!) and now the loneliness is really setting in. 

Today was the first day of summer break and I'm feeling so lonely that I just want to cry. All I want is a hug.  :( 

Dreaming

One thing I have been discovering over the last few weeks is that despite learning to try to control my negative thoughts, I can't do much about them when I'm sleeping. My dreams have gone from bad to worse. Makes me not want to go to sleep.

Fighting for Positive Thoughts

I'm sitting here on my butt surfing online and listening to old music I haven't heard in forever. I feel like I need to do something productive. I think blogging counts as that since I haven't done it in awhile!!

I've been making sure to go to my shrink appointments despite them giving me migraines each time I go. I think progress has been going well. I'm still working on not thinking bad thoughts. I think that not thinking bad thoughts and thinking good thoughts about myself are completely different things. I'm working on it though. It's getting easier to feel proud of myself or pleased with myself about things. I've tried really hard not not add "but" onto everything, too. THAT is hard for me.

Something happened yesterday that kinda shook me up and it's really stupid that it did. But it falls into this whole lacking self confidence crap. A friend of mine had a few too many drinks and called to tell me how much she's glad we're friends and how awesome she thinks I am. All I could think was, "but I'm NOT."  :( And I worry that I'll be a bad friend to her and hurt her somehow. I don't really know what is so awesome about me. :(  I honestly didn't know she liked me that much, despite that I really like her.. I thought she just tolerated me. But then, I think that about a lot of people. Kind of a crappy feeling. Guess that's something I need to work on, too.

I had a bit of a run-in with my weightlifting coach this week. I don't even know what to say about it other than it really got to me. Fortunately, he's a great guy and all is well.

I've finally realized that even if I focus on weightlifting, it has nothing to do with my loyalty to my CrossFit coach. I plan on continuing to do both and see how it goes. Right now I'm meeting with my Oly coach 3 times a week and doing CF three. Seems like a good compromise, though I want more. Makes me mad when people challenge my decision to cut back and not overdo it. I have a hard enough time not being hard on myself for not doing it all but for others to jump in and tell me that I should do more just makes me mad.

I told myself I was going to start a food log last week. And I did start. And then PMS came swooping in and killed it. Last night, I wanted ice cream so badly that I actually packed the kids up to go get some, even though they didn't want any. Proud moment. So I'll start that and stick to it. I've GOT to get some of this weight off. I know I'm gaining muscle, but Jesus. I need to lose the fat!! I feel so gross. :(

Ouch.

Last night I was cuddling with my daughter before bed and we were talking. It was a sweet conversation about how much she loves me. Somewhere along the way the topic changed and she made a comment that her friend's mom is skinny. I responded, "Yes, she is. She's SUPER skinny." She's a runner and VERY thin. My daughter's response?? "And you're SUPER FAT."

*sigh*

Clean & Jerk!

Today was a good gym day... I PR'd my clean & jerk and did 91lbs! At 93lbs, I dropped the bar on my head though, so I called it a day. (I'm fine! And it's actually not a terrible thing since it means that I was under the bar like I needed to be!)

Bear Crawls

I'm going to try to post positive thoughts as they come to me if I feel they're significant.*

Today at CF we had to do bear crawls. No matter who you are, you look stupid doing them. It's not natural. And for someone like me, it's REALLY not natural. What I've come to realize is this: despite having been active the last few years, it doesn't wipe away all of the years I led a basically sedentary life. It only makes sense for me to struggle with physical things after so much time doing nothing.

So what if I sucked at bear crawls today... I was able to do it, which is more than I could've said not that long ago.

I did make a comment today that was taken negatively, but I truly didn't mean it that way. I said that I'm a novice at CrossFit still. While I've definitely improved, I still have a long way to go. It's not being down on myself, it's the truth. And it's a welcomed challenge!! As far as ability is concerned, I am most definitely novice still.



*The problem with doing this is that once I write the thoughts out, it's a lot easier for me to discredit them. 

Positive Thoughts

When I began losing weight, I automatically assumed that once I'd lost it, my self confidence would be golden. It was--temporarily. Very temporarily. I also thought that I'd have an almost perfect body. I have no idea why I thought either of those things, but obviously they didn't happen.

This whole journey for losing weight has turned into a journey to find my happy self... To find where I fit into this whole thing called life and to accept things for what they are.

I thought my confidence issues had to do with my body image, but I'm not so sure that's all there is to it anymore. That stupid shrink has really gotten to me. It's hard to hear things she says, especially when they're valid. Like many people, she thought it was weird that I still see myself as the fat girl I used to be. (Still am??)

This next week, I'm supposed to make a conscious effort to thing positive thoughts. It sounds a LOT easier than it is, let me tell you. She asked if I journaled and I admitted to this blog... then she asked how many negative thoughts there were written each time.

I honestly have no idea how to keep the negative thoughts away. I really do want to change.. I want to be happy. I want to not feel sad or fat or like I don't matter.

I've decided that each day for the next week, I'm going to blog 5 positive thoughts--none of which will be followed with anything but that thought. No "but" or explanation as to why or why not those are or aren't legitimate. And I'm going to try hard not to repeat many. The further I get into it, the harder this is going to get, which is why I'm only doing 5 per day.


Friday's 5 Positive Things

1. My kids adore me.
2. I've made some pretty damn good friends in my life.
3. I busted my ass and lost a shitload of weight.
4. I have a good life.
5. I'm getting tons better at things physically.