This is going to be a rough week for me. Several friends are going to be in Tennessee in the moutains this weekend in a cabin in the woods just hanging out and having fun. I was supposed to be there but I'm not going to be. Or I could be in Boston with the hubby, but that's not happening either. Instead, I'm stuck at home and can't even go to workout like I want to once he's gone.
I'm going to be at home and everyone else is going to get to have fun but me. I can't even workout. And yes, I know I sound like a child.
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In workout news... Yesterday, I was able to squat clean 93#. I was pretty excited about it. Today, I was the fat girl who finished last. Not just last, but there was a 20min time cap for 12 rounds and I was the only one who didn't finish the 12 rounds in that time. Go me!!!
Monday, April 9, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
Nothing Special, Just a Post
Going back over my last post, I realize that it lacks the sincerity that I felt about the call/texts.
I'm still struggling today. Yesterday I took a 2hr nap in hopes of feeling better. I wanted more than anything to stay in bed until it was time to get the kids, but it was the only time I had to go get Easter basket stuff without them. I guess it says something that I'm still able to get out of bed. I don't think that people who have never experienced depression realize how hard that can be sometimes.
I'm still making it to workout, too. I may not do well and I may not be "there" when I'm doing things, but right now I'm trying to tell myself that getting there is what's important.
I'm officially up 20lbs. That means I've only lost 70lbs total instead of the 90lbs I'd reached. I get that muscle weighs more than fat, but it's no all muscle. Let's face it.. Anyone who can down brownie batter dipped Oreos can't use the excuse of muscle weighing more than fat.
Tomorrow is weightlifting early in the morning. Hopefully I'll do better than Wednesday. Then Sunday we're meeting again. Next week is going to be completely screwed up for working out and it's happening at the absolute worst time!! I just hope I come out of it ok. The hubby will be gone for several days and my regular routine will be impossible. Obviously I can't do mornings. But even evening CF classes are out (except maybe one day) because of other things going on. I worry that I'll say "fuck it" and take off the entire time he's gone. Never mind that I have a membership to the gym at school and I can go when they're both in school (only 2 of the days).
I still feel like staying in bed all day, but I've got too much shit to do. My parents are visiting this weekend and will be here in a few hours. My house is a pit. I hope to get it to the point where it looks like normal people live here. Oh the piles of clean, unfolded laundry.
Also tomorrow is a team workout with the other gym. I mentioned it to the hubby and he said we could do it. BUT. He thinks my parents and the kids should come watch. Because I LOOOOOVE being watched when I workout. Abso-fucking-lutely love it. So the question is: Do I do the WOD with the hubby since he's willing and deal with the on-lookers? Or do I not bother? I'd planned to not do it since I'm lifting before, but the fact that the hubby is willing to come makes me want to do it. Of course, I hate to get my hopes up and have it not happen whether it's because I'm too tired or because he decides not to. Stadium stairs and barbells just don't sound like a great time to me right now.
I'm still struggling today. Yesterday I took a 2hr nap in hopes of feeling better. I wanted more than anything to stay in bed until it was time to get the kids, but it was the only time I had to go get Easter basket stuff without them. I guess it says something that I'm still able to get out of bed. I don't think that people who have never experienced depression realize how hard that can be sometimes.
I'm still making it to workout, too. I may not do well and I may not be "there" when I'm doing things, but right now I'm trying to tell myself that getting there is what's important.
I'm officially up 20lbs. That means I've only lost 70lbs total instead of the 90lbs I'd reached. I get that muscle weighs more than fat, but it's no all muscle. Let's face it.. Anyone who can down brownie batter dipped Oreos can't use the excuse of muscle weighing more than fat.
Tomorrow is weightlifting early in the morning. Hopefully I'll do better than Wednesday. Then Sunday we're meeting again. Next week is going to be completely screwed up for working out and it's happening at the absolute worst time!! I just hope I come out of it ok. The hubby will be gone for several days and my regular routine will be impossible. Obviously I can't do mornings. But even evening CF classes are out (except maybe one day) because of other things going on. I worry that I'll say "fuck it" and take off the entire time he's gone. Never mind that I have a membership to the gym at school and I can go when they're both in school (only 2 of the days).
I still feel like staying in bed all day, but I've got too much shit to do. My parents are visiting this weekend and will be here in a few hours. My house is a pit. I hope to get it to the point where it looks like normal people live here. Oh the piles of clean, unfolded laundry.
Also tomorrow is a team workout with the other gym. I mentioned it to the hubby and he said we could do it. BUT. He thinks my parents and the kids should come watch. Because I LOOOOOVE being watched when I workout. Abso-fucking-lutely love it. So the question is: Do I do the WOD with the hubby since he's willing and deal with the on-lookers? Or do I not bother? I'd planned to not do it since I'm lifting before, but the fact that the hubby is willing to come makes me want to do it. Of course, I hate to get my hopes up and have it not happen whether it's because I'm too tired or because he decides not to. Stadium stairs and barbells just don't sound like a great time to me right now.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Feel the Love
Gotta love a phone call that begins:
"Did you get out of bed this morning? And workout? Did you take your meds?"
Texts proclaiming love are great, too.
"Did you get out of bed this morning? And workout? Did you take your meds?"
Texts proclaiming love are great, too.
100 Points For Me
On days like today, I wonder how the hell I'm allowed to care for other human beings when I can barely take care of myself. Thank God I'm able to meet their basic needs on days like today. I get points for that, right??? Hell, last night I was actually able to pull my head up above the surface to make cool little bunny shaped eggs for them for dinner. And then brownies. Of course, when I began dipping double stuffed golden Oreos in the leftover brownie batter, that probably wasn't a good thing. And I wonder why I have a weight problem. PMS and depression are a TERRIBLE combination. TERRIBLE.
Time to get the kiddo ready for school... which starts in 20 minutes. I guess I should revise my earlier statement to say BARELY meet their basic needs.
Time to get the kiddo ready for school... which starts in 20 minutes. I guess I should revise my earlier statement to say BARELY meet their basic needs.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Struggling
I'm struggling to keep my head above the water today. I feel defeated by life. It's possible that I haven't taken my medicine properly lately, I just don't remember. I know today I took only one because I couldn't find the other bottle. I didn't take either yesterday. Not sure about the days before.
I want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep, but I can't. I shouldn't even be sitting down writing this, but I can't focus on what I'm supposed to be doing, so I thought it might help.
It's one of those days where I feel like I'm facing the world all alone.
I want to curl up in bed and cry myself to sleep, but I can't. I shouldn't even be sitting down writing this, but I can't focus on what I'm supposed to be doing, so I thought it might help.
It's one of those days where I feel like I'm facing the world all alone.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
One Breath At A Time
The problem with improving something you struggle with is that once you can do it ok, people expect you to keep improving. Sure, that's the goal most people have. But sometimes isn't it ok to just be able to do it a little?? Who cares how well you can swim!?!
Last night my swim coach decided that I'm not longer allowed to use any kind of floatation device even for warm up!! I've been using just the paddle/kickboard thing. But noooo.. not anymore.
Some people would be happy with that. But not me. Know why?? Because that makes me have to go to the next step: putting my head under water and swimming. I swear that I thought I was going to have a panic attack last night when I tried it while holding onto the kickboard! I think that once I was able to stay under for 3 seconds. As in, that was the LONGEST.
I'm pathetic. I know it. I can't help it. I'm terrified of not being able to breathe.
Last night my swim coach decided that I'm not longer allowed to use any kind of floatation device even for warm up!! I've been using just the paddle/kickboard thing. But noooo.. not anymore.
Some people would be happy with that. But not me. Know why?? Because that makes me have to go to the next step: putting my head under water and swimming. I swear that I thought I was going to have a panic attack last night when I tried it while holding onto the kickboard! I think that once I was able to stay under for 3 seconds. As in, that was the LONGEST.
I'm pathetic. I know it. I can't help it. I'm terrified of not being able to breathe.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Don't Worry, Be Happy
I'm a worrier. I can't help it, I worry. Having kids made it worse.
Yesterday, I took my son to a birthday party. He played and had fun, but when it came time to do the cake and everything, he sat (with kids he didn't know) and remained quiet the rest of the time. He's such a sweet and introverted child. It makes me hurt when I see that he wants to be part of something but just can't bring himself to take the step to do it.
His teacher swears up and down to me that socially he is fine. Yes, he's quiet, but he has friends and plays with other kids and all that jazz.
For the last few weeks, he's been testing for the gifted program here. (He tested into it in Texico, but has to be retested in Kansas. No biggie.) His math scores are great and they decided they want to put him into 2nd grade math (he's in 1st grade.. and the youngest at that). If it goes well, he'll go to 3rd grade math next year.
By doing this, he's going to be out of his regular classroom for 45min each morning. He'll miss his little math practice test they do each morning, as well as calendar time (which he says he hates) and 15min of language arts. His teacher is comfortable with him missing calendar time and part of language arts.
Obviously, I'm extremely proud of him. Extremely. Now, when he's in middle school and doing higher math than I've ever been able to do I might be annoyed! But right now, I think it's awesome!
Yesterday, I took my son to a birthday party. He played and had fun, but when it came time to do the cake and everything, he sat (with kids he didn't know) and remained quiet the rest of the time. He's such a sweet and introverted child. It makes me hurt when I see that he wants to be part of something but just can't bring himself to take the step to do it.
His teacher swears up and down to me that socially he is fine. Yes, he's quiet, but he has friends and plays with other kids and all that jazz.
For the last few weeks, he's been testing for the gifted program here. (He tested into it in Texico, but has to be retested in Kansas. No biggie.) His math scores are great and they decided they want to put him into 2nd grade math (he's in 1st grade.. and the youngest at that). If it goes well, he'll go to 3rd grade math next year.
By doing this, he's going to be out of his regular classroom for 45min each morning. He'll miss his little math practice test they do each morning, as well as calendar time (which he says he hates) and 15min of language arts. His teacher is comfortable with him missing calendar time and part of language arts.
Obviously, I'm extremely proud of him. Extremely. Now, when he's in middle school and doing higher math than I've ever been able to do I might be annoyed! But right now, I think it's awesome!
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| He loves me. |
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