At the beginning of May, I'm doing a 30mi bike ride with some friends in support of CASA*. I think it just might kill me. If the ride was 30 flat miles, I think I'd be ok. But there are hills. And while some hills may be small, they're still hills!!
So far, my knee is holding up with the training. (knock on wood) But it's about to get serious and I hope I can do it.
I go back and forth with wanting to make sure I'm healthy/not focusing on my weight and stressing about what I look like. Logically, I know that being healthy is most important. But I also know that with less weight, my heart won't have to work as hard when I exercise. Either way, I've got some work to do.
My current plan is bribing myself for losing weight. I'm in desperate need of a pedicure and I want some $$$ shampoo. Silly, I know. But both are wants, not needs and I'm hoping it'll help me drop some weight.
(CASA - Court Appointed Special Advocates - is a community-based program that recruits, trains and supports citizen-volunteers to advocate for the best interests of abused and neglected children in courtrooms and communities).
Monday, March 9, 2015
Friday, March 6, 2015
Restart.
Nine months since I blogged last and I realize that I need to start back up with it.
In September I had my knee scoped to figure out what was going on. I heard it would take about 6mo to get back to normal and that's been pretty true. As I wrote last time, my knee has lots of degeneration and had a torn lateral meniscus, which was fixed. The surgeon "cleaned up" the falling apart cartilage, which left me with not much cushion in my knee. Think pain. Lots of pain.
As posted before, I've gained a lot of weight. Except now it's more. Because, you know, knee surgery kinda leaves you on your ass for quite awhile. Along with my weight increasing, so has my depression. Of course, that leads me to eating more and then my weight going up, then being more depressed... you know where I'm going with this. It's a horrible cycle.
I promised myself yesterday that I'd get back on track, just like I've promised myself several times in the last few months. But it's so very hard when you turn to eating as your comfort. Terrible, I know, but it is what it is.
Looking back, I find it interesting what I titled my blog. I thought I'd be the fat girl who finally made it to no longer being overweight. But I didn't. I'm fat again.
It's most definitely a journey, and not a fun one. I wish I could say I'm not one of those statistics that gets fat again, but alas, it's not true. As with my depression, I'm hoping to fight this and no longer be a fat girl--on the outside at least. It's not that I want to be thin... I think that ship has sailed. I just want to not be fat. I want to be comfortable with how I look and how I feel, but that doesn't mean I have to be thin. It also doesn't mean I have to be what I am now.
On the depression front, I have been seeing a psychiatrist to help figure out my meds. I knew that taking that step would lead to a lot of changing, which could lead to me feeling like shit. And boy was I right! Once things are figured out, I *should* feel better overall. But who knows. I'm not hopeful that I'll ever feel good at this point.
In September I had my knee scoped to figure out what was going on. I heard it would take about 6mo to get back to normal and that's been pretty true. As I wrote last time, my knee has lots of degeneration and had a torn lateral meniscus, which was fixed. The surgeon "cleaned up" the falling apart cartilage, which left me with not much cushion in my knee. Think pain. Lots of pain.
As posted before, I've gained a lot of weight. Except now it's more. Because, you know, knee surgery kinda leaves you on your ass for quite awhile. Along with my weight increasing, so has my depression. Of course, that leads me to eating more and then my weight going up, then being more depressed... you know where I'm going with this. It's a horrible cycle.
I promised myself yesterday that I'd get back on track, just like I've promised myself several times in the last few months. But it's so very hard when you turn to eating as your comfort. Terrible, I know, but it is what it is.
Looking back, I find it interesting what I titled my blog. I thought I'd be the fat girl who finally made it to no longer being overweight. But I didn't. I'm fat again.
It's most definitely a journey, and not a fun one. I wish I could say I'm not one of those statistics that gets fat again, but alas, it's not true. As with my depression, I'm hoping to fight this and no longer be a fat girl--on the outside at least. It's not that I want to be thin... I think that ship has sailed. I just want to not be fat. I want to be comfortable with how I look and how I feel, but that doesn't mean I have to be thin. It also doesn't mean I have to be what I am now.
On the depression front, I have been seeing a psychiatrist to help figure out my meds. I knew that taking that step would lead to a lot of changing, which could lead to me feeling like shit. And boy was I right! Once things are figured out, I *should* feel better overall. But who knows. I'm not hopeful that I'll ever feel good at this point.
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