Tears Today, None Tomorrow

Yesterday began with me waking up at 5:30am with both kids in bed with me. My back was completely soaked. I didn't think much of it at first since I've had bad dreams lately where I wake up sweaty. But no.. it wasn't sweat. I got friggin PEED ON. And the day went downhill from there. 

Today started out ok. The kids and I went to the gym early (7am) and they played and had fun. Watched the Team WOD and took pics (since I couldn't do it). Then everyone left to go have breakfast with a girl who is deploying. I was the last to leave... And my van wouldn't start. The kids had been playing in it and drained the battery completely. I cried. I called a friend and she rescued us. But man. Oh.. and today it's supposed to be 100. It was only 90 when we left, but DAMN. That's not exactly cool!

So tomorrow. It WILL be a good day. So will the rest of today. But all day tomorrow will be good and there will be no tears. 

I feel like I've shut down the last couple of days. I don't want to play with the kids. I want to just be ALONE. But even if I take a few minutes in another room or something, it's not really alone. 

I feel like a terrible mother. I'm not a fun mom. I don't like doing things constantly. I'm a homebody. But the kids get bored and then they get cranky. So either I try to keep them somewhat occupied, or we all go crazy. 

I was thinking how single moms have less of a hard time with this stuff than I am, but then I'm sure they had a rocky start, too. I'm sure that just as the kids and I are getting into a good groove, my husband will return from his 3 week trip. 

As I've mentioned many times, when I'm stressed I eat. Not good. At all. I should drink. Ha! 

Tomorrow will be a better day. No tears. No yelling (which I *think* hasn't happened today, and if it has, it's been minimal). 

Lonely

There have been times recently when I've felt really lonely... like I didn't have anyone to talk to. The hubby left earlier this week (for 3 weeks!!) and now the loneliness is really setting in. 

Today was the first day of summer break and I'm feeling so lonely that I just want to cry. All I want is a hug.  :( 

Dreaming

One thing I have been discovering over the last few weeks is that despite learning to try to control my negative thoughts, I can't do much about them when I'm sleeping. My dreams have gone from bad to worse. Makes me not want to go to sleep.

Fighting for Positive Thoughts

I'm sitting here on my butt surfing online and listening to old music I haven't heard in forever. I feel like I need to do something productive. I think blogging counts as that since I haven't done it in awhile!!

I've been making sure to go to my shrink appointments despite them giving me migraines each time I go. I think progress has been going well. I'm still working on not thinking bad thoughts. I think that not thinking bad thoughts and thinking good thoughts about myself are completely different things. I'm working on it though. It's getting easier to feel proud of myself or pleased with myself about things. I've tried really hard not not add "but" onto everything, too. THAT is hard for me.

Something happened yesterday that kinda shook me up and it's really stupid that it did. But it falls into this whole lacking self confidence crap. A friend of mine had a few too many drinks and called to tell me how much she's glad we're friends and how awesome she thinks I am. All I could think was, "but I'm NOT."  :( And I worry that I'll be a bad friend to her and hurt her somehow. I don't really know what is so awesome about me. :(  I honestly didn't know she liked me that much, despite that I really like her.. I thought she just tolerated me. But then, I think that about a lot of people. Kind of a crappy feeling. Guess that's something I need to work on, too.

I had a bit of a run-in with my weightlifting coach this week. I don't even know what to say about it other than it really got to me. Fortunately, he's a great guy and all is well.

I've finally realized that even if I focus on weightlifting, it has nothing to do with my loyalty to my CrossFit coach. I plan on continuing to do both and see how it goes. Right now I'm meeting with my Oly coach 3 times a week and doing CF three. Seems like a good compromise, though I want more. Makes me mad when people challenge my decision to cut back and not overdo it. I have a hard enough time not being hard on myself for not doing it all but for others to jump in and tell me that I should do more just makes me mad.

I told myself I was going to start a food log last week. And I did start. And then PMS came swooping in and killed it. Last night, I wanted ice cream so badly that I actually packed the kids up to go get some, even though they didn't want any. Proud moment. So I'll start that and stick to it. I've GOT to get some of this weight off. I know I'm gaining muscle, but Jesus. I need to lose the fat!! I feel so gross. :(

Ouch.

Last night I was cuddling with my daughter before bed and we were talking. It was a sweet conversation about how much she loves me. Somewhere along the way the topic changed and she made a comment that her friend's mom is skinny. I responded, "Yes, she is. She's SUPER skinny." She's a runner and VERY thin. My daughter's response?? "And you're SUPER FAT."

*sigh*

Clean & Jerk!

Today was a good gym day... I PR'd my clean & jerk and did 91lbs! At 93lbs, I dropped the bar on my head though, so I called it a day. (I'm fine! And it's actually not a terrible thing since it means that I was under the bar like I needed to be!)

Bear Crawls

I'm going to try to post positive thoughts as they come to me if I feel they're significant.*

Today at CF we had to do bear crawls. No matter who you are, you look stupid doing them. It's not natural. And for someone like me, it's REALLY not natural. What I've come to realize is this: despite having been active the last few years, it doesn't wipe away all of the years I led a basically sedentary life. It only makes sense for me to struggle with physical things after so much time doing nothing.

So what if I sucked at bear crawls today... I was able to do it, which is more than I could've said not that long ago.

I did make a comment today that was taken negatively, but I truly didn't mean it that way. I said that I'm a novice at CrossFit still. While I've definitely improved, I still have a long way to go. It's not being down on myself, it's the truth. And it's a welcomed challenge!! As far as ability is concerned, I am most definitely novice still.



*The problem with doing this is that once I write the thoughts out, it's a lot easier for me to discredit them. 

Positive Thoughts

When I began losing weight, I automatically assumed that once I'd lost it, my self confidence would be golden. It was--temporarily. Very temporarily. I also thought that I'd have an almost perfect body. I have no idea why I thought either of those things, but obviously they didn't happen.

This whole journey for losing weight has turned into a journey to find my happy self... To find where I fit into this whole thing called life and to accept things for what they are.

I thought my confidence issues had to do with my body image, but I'm not so sure that's all there is to it anymore. That stupid shrink has really gotten to me. It's hard to hear things she says, especially when they're valid. Like many people, she thought it was weird that I still see myself as the fat girl I used to be. (Still am??)

This next week, I'm supposed to make a conscious effort to thing positive thoughts. It sounds a LOT easier than it is, let me tell you. She asked if I journaled and I admitted to this blog... then she asked how many negative thoughts there were written each time.

I honestly have no idea how to keep the negative thoughts away. I really do want to change.. I want to be happy. I want to not feel sad or fat or like I don't matter.

I've decided that each day for the next week, I'm going to blog 5 positive thoughts--none of which will be followed with anything but that thought. No "but" or explanation as to why or why not those are or aren't legitimate. And I'm going to try hard not to repeat many. The further I get into it, the harder this is going to get, which is why I'm only doing 5 per day.


Friday's 5 Positive Things

1. My kids adore me.
2. I've made some pretty damn good friends in my life.
3. I busted my ass and lost a shitload of weight.
4. I have a good life.
5. I'm getting tons better at things physically.

Stupid Shit

This whole shrink thing BLOWS. So it's no secret that I have lots of negative thoughts. She understands that it's not something I CHOOSE to do, but it's just what I've had said to me and what I've just DONE for so long. This next week I'm supposed to make a deliberate effort to have positive thoughts.

How the hell am I supposed to have positive thoughts when I don't even realize that I'm having negative ones?? And if I'm not happy about how I look, what good is it going to do to lie to myself and say I look great???

She also said I'm submissive. Stupid heifer.

Blah. As if it isn't enough to deal with some shrink getting into my head, what does it make me want to do?? EAT, of course. Eat junk. It's a shame there's no junk at home and no hubby home to stay with the kids while I go get some.

Discouraging Comparison

This sure wasn't what I was expecting to see... I thought there would be more change.

October 2011                    May 2012
Click to see larger.

Decisions and Sore Muscles

I just went back and read my post from Friday. Really, when I said I'd make up for Friday's WOD not being as challenging as it could've been if I'd done it later in the day... I just meant I'd have a good workout on Saturday. Not a KILLER workout, which is what it was.

It began with 6am Olympic lifting. Then onto the Saturday Team WOD which spanked us all. I slept until 10am today after falling asleep on the couch at about 9pm (or earlier).

After the morning of brutality, the hubby, kids and I went to watch my old coach do his weightlifting thing. We met up with friends from the gym who lift, too (hi!!) and Coach G was there. Coach J is awesome. I've really missed him.

The whole day was kind of a rollercoaster for me as far as working out goes. O-lifting in the morning made me want to focus more on that. Then the Team WOD... it was INSANE. But the fact that I could do it well (enough) made me feel good about myself and want to keep up with CF. Then we went to the weightlifting match and it was really cool watching people lift, so then it kinda made me want to do that!

There's a meet on July 9 or something that I'd like to do. I think. I don't know... these people take it sooo seriously. I feel so silly sometimes when I to it!! And when I get I nervous, I laugh. I don't think the people there would care for that too much!!

There's GOT to be some sort of compromise in my routine. Lifting 2 days a week isn't going to cut it. And CrossFit stuff 5-6 days a week isn't going to work either. As it is, I'm struggling with that schedule. The only mornings I can lift are Wednesday and Saturday. My coach can't do days and I can't do evenings. MAYBE I might be able to talk the hubby into letting me do one evening a week, but it wouldn't be able to happen for at least a month. My coach does Tuesday evenings, but if I went then, it would knock out Wednesday morning.

I think that right now, I'm willing to knock CF down to 2-3 days a week and add more lifting in. But despite having an email composed to Coach G, I can't seem to click send. I know it doesn't mean I'm 100% committing myself. And it doesn't mean I'm giving up CF. It seems like a compromise to me, but I don't know...

Unrealistic Body Images

Graphics like these are all over Pinterest and Facebook and drive me absolutely INSANE.

Work hard and you will definitely see results. But it doesn't mean that everyone who works hard at losing weight and working out and being healthy is going to have a body like that!!

I know that images like that are meant to encourage people to get off their asses and workout, but for people like me, it's so discouraging. Never will I have a body like that. I guess that's ok... I mean, I'm not 100% ok with it, but whatcha going to do?? It'll never happen without massive amounts of plastic surgery and complete obsession with diet and exercise (like, WAY more than now). And scars.. oh the scars. (Which... I still want my arms done. But realistically, it'll never happen.)

I wish there would be more pics of thicker women (as I've stated before) doing things like this.

Just after I finished writing this, a clip from the CrossFit Regionals was posted on FaceBook and one of the judges was a bit "thicker". I THINK that the judges have to be CF certified coaches, but I'm not sure. Anyway, it was awesome to see her there.. until some dill hole had to make a comment about her weight (on the Facebook post). Makes me sad. But kudos to the CrossFit HQ people for deleting what that guy said... and looks as if they deleted him from their fan page as well.

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On the homefront:  Therapy blows. No wonder I've quit this shit so many times. Except this time, the lady just jumped right in and is already to the point that some took months to get to--and we've only met twice. I guess that's good, though usually this is the point when I quit because it's just a lot easier not to deal with it. Maybe this time will be the exception.. I really want to be a better and happier person. My kids deserve it.. And according to the shrink, I do, too.

Still plugging away at the gym. I swore that today I was going to go in the afternoon, but I was wide awake at 5am, so I went ahead and went in. Probably would've had a better workout this afternoon, but oh well. I'll make up for it tomorrow.

One thing I haven't posted about (only because the posts that I made while I was gone didn't post)... The husband is starting CrossFit!! I'm not really sure WHY but he is. Friends in NYC talked him into it and he said he'd do it for 3mo. He starts the fundamentals classes on Monday! (The fundamentals classes just teach you the basic moves and stuff so you don't kill yourself!) It's actually a pretty big sacrifice on my end b/c it's 5 nights of him not being home for dinner/bedtime. But if it means something we can do together--AWESOME! This weekend, he's actually going with me to a weightlifting competition to see my old CrossFit coach. Obviously, the kids are going, too. They love Coach J.

Another Day, Another Dollar

Soon the anxiety of going to the shrink is going to set in b/c it will mean that I can't just ignore what's going on. I go back today and I'm getting a little nervous. It's kind of weird pouring our all of your issues to someone you don't know.

Overall, I think I'm doing better. Since I decided that I'm not going to kill myself to make it to the box at 5:30am every day, I've only skipped one day (and I did the WOD later but at the Rec Center at school--which made it a lot easier). I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow... At this point, I think I'm going to go in the afternoon.

I had a realization the other day that kind of came from nowhere. I fit at CFMK. I belong there. I'm not some outsider. The people there are (mostly) my friends. And I can (mostly) do the WODs. Of course, I think most everyone can "mostly" do the WODs, too.
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And that right there just sucked all of the positive out of me. G'day.