On Thursday, I found out that my shrink goes to the gym where I plan to join. And goes to the spinning classes I plan to take. What's that, you say? She may not go to the same ones as I do b/c she works and I don't? Ha! Oh no no no! I'm not that lucky! Because of her flexible schedule, she goes to the every classes I would go to--either the 6am or the 9am. I could join another gym, you say? Ha! This is by far the best option I have in this town. This is the gym I opted out of joining and went to CrossFit instead. The only bright side I can find is that if ever asked how I know my shrink, I could say from the gym instead of therapy.
For the time being, I'm doing water aerobics, water jogging and the recumbent bike at the school Rec Center. The range of motion in my shoulder isn't where they want it to be at this point and still hurts a lot. So I'm not quite ready to "really" workout, though I'm getting quite sick of this nonsense. I'm guessing I'll join the new gym in the next week or two. The Rec Center is nice, but I just can't handle working out with 18 year olds.. or 80 year olds. It seems like it's one extreme or the other.
I thrive on group classes. It's nice to commiserate with others who are going through the same class as you are. I've formed awesome friendships at the gym. Not that I think that I'll necessarily make friends at every gym I try. But it happens. Of course, with my shrink going to the same classes I will go to, I'm kind of concerned about what that will mean.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
First Workout Post Surgery
I had my first workout today since about a week before my surgery. A friend teaches a water aerobic class and it sounded like a good way to get moving again. The jury is still out on whether or not it was a good idea.
On one hand, it was good to workout. And it was good that I know the instructor and she knows my surgery and knows what I was capable of doing once upon a time. On the other hand, I feel like a loser. I couldn't do a lot of the stuff. I left in tears b/c it hurt--my shoulder and my ego.
It's been 3.5 weeks and I don't expect to be able to do everything I once could, but come ON. It isn't like I had a major surgery!!
I'm glad I saved some of my pain pills because I'm heading to take one now and go to bed.
On one hand, it was good to workout. And it was good that I know the instructor and she knows my surgery and knows what I was capable of doing once upon a time. On the other hand, I feel like a loser. I couldn't do a lot of the stuff. I left in tears b/c it hurt--my shoulder and my ego.
It's been 3.5 weeks and I don't expect to be able to do everything I once could, but come ON. It isn't like I had a major surgery!!
I'm glad I saved some of my pain pills because I'm heading to take one now and go to bed.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Sit Back and Relax... This is a Long One
I've been waiting for weeks to finally be able to write this post without feeling like I'm going to be handling everything wrong. I can't say that I'll be able to do it "right" but I need to go ahead and get it all out.
Last March, my shoulder began to hurt when doing some exercises, mainly pull ups. After my accomplishment of learning how to jump onto a box, I decided that my next task would be to be able to do a pull up. I just wanted one. In January, I'd listed it as one of my CrossFit resolutions for the year. I had started doing assisted pull ups with the most resistance possible, almost. Basically, I sucked. In my defense, pulling up my body weight isn't an easy task, but it was something I desperately wanted to be able to do.
Around the same time, I fell in love with Olympic style weightlifting. For awhile, I thought I'd be able to do both CF and OLY and be OK, but I realized that my body just couldn't handle both. Let's face it, I'm no spring chicken. And I don't exactly have a history of working out prior to a couple of years ago. My body has taken a lot of abuse over the years from being so overweight for so long.
I gradually started doing more and more OLY and less and less CF. But I still worked and worked and worked (and worked and worked and worked) on my pull ups. I progressed slowly, but kept plugging at it, hoping that one day I'd meet that goal of JUST ONE unassisted pull up. That's all I wanted--just one.
At one point, my OLY coach reasoned with me about my shoulder pain and convinced me to see my doctor. I did some physical therapy and it helped a little... enough so that my pain went away for awhile and I was able to compete in my first (and only) OLY meet. It was that meet that made me want to never do anything but OLY ever again. Even CF, which I loved. Even Zumba, which I hadn't done in forever. I would've been happy only lifting heavy shit and nothing else.
But the pain came back. Eventually, I went back to my doctor (at the insistence of my OLY coach again) and got a referral for a sports medicine doctor. I did more physical therapy again... didn't help much, so the Dr told me to stop. We tried a cortisone injection--didn't help. I had an MRI, which was the most expensive nap I've ever had--and showed absolutely nothing abnormal. I had an MRI, which was the most expensive nap I've ever had--and showed absolutely nothing abnormal. We tried another steroid injection, that time using an x-ray to make sure the medicine was injected into the bursa (fluid sac). That helped briefly.
The pain kept getting worse and worse. It got to the point that I wasn't able to pick up a bar without pain. I was doing only lower body stuff and the pain kept getting worse. I wasn't able to snatch or c&j or do anything overhead. (I'd long given up my quest for a pull up.) I gradually got worse going from weight on the bar to only the bar (33#) to the training bar (15#) to only a PVC pipe to not being able to go overhead at all.
I knew it was serious. I didn't complain that much about the pain. Here and there I would, but I didn't let on just how bad it was. It got to the point where now only could I not snatch or c&j, but I couldn't even squat... just holding onto the bar was painful... just holding onto a PVC was painful to try and squat as well.
The doctor had been clear with me from the beginning as to what steps we'd take. He wanted to avoid scoping my shoulder to see what the problem was if at all possible, but the time came when that was the last option available. By that point, I was more than ready to have it done. My workouts were next to nothing and seemed pointless. I was learning creative ways to get somewhat of a workout in thanks to my coaches, but it still wasn't enough.
I've mentioned several times that I'm an emotional eater. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's a reality for me. During this whole time, my eating kept deteriorating. I got to the point where I met with my CF coach about how I should be eating for my type of working out. We did a body analysis and she told me how to eat properly while doing lots of weight stuff. The timing was terrible. It was just before the holidays. I was OK for a bit, but the more pain I had, the more I ate poorly.
As much as it pains me to admit it, I think that for the last 2 months now I've gotten my "nutrition" mostly from junk. I'm talking serious junk. Not just foods that aren't the best choice, but junk. Cookies, chips, ice cream. I've gotten to the point where I've even been hiding it from my husband. Obviously, my depression has been kicking into high gear.
So anyway. I had my surgery at the beginning of February. While the doctor was in there looking around, he figured out what was going on. My bursa was hemorrhaging and he had to remove it. In the process, he had to shave down some of the bone to make sure I had room to move my shoulder around without grinding bones together.
The pain from the surgery is like nothing I have ever experienced. It was worse than when my epidural stopped working when I was having my son. I'd rather give birth with absolutely no pain medication than go through the pain I've had with my shoulder b/c of the surgery.
Last week I had my 2 week post-op appointment. I knew what my doctor would say, but I had to hear it. I asked what the surgery meant for exercise for me in the long run. He wouldn't look me in the eye and wouldn't tell me that I "couldn't" do anything in particular. It was obvious by his body language what he thought. I'd already decided what I was going to do, but he confirmed that I was making the right choice by no longer doing OLY or CF.
He explained to me that because there was no longer the cushion in my shoulder, if I continued to workout like I had been, I was looking at majorly screwing up my rotator cuff. I knew that if that were to happen, it would be way worse than anything I'd experienced with this shoulder surgery.
I left and cried. And tried to wash my blues away with food. It didn't work. I spent a few days wallowing in self pity and thinking about how everything was going to change for me. CFMK had become my second home. For Christmas, my CF coach gave me a keychain with the coordinates of the gym on it... so I'd always know where to find my second home.
I've thought (and cried.. and eaten poorly) a lot over the last few days about what it all means. Reality is that when you're no long a part of something, your friendships will fade away. It's a horribly sad reality, but one that is true. Especially given that the type of exercise we were doing was one of the few things I had in common with so many of my friends there. In fact, not many of my "friends" have taken the time to check in with me since before the surgery. I realize everyone has his/her own life and definitely do not think that the world revolves around me. But when you're out of sight/out of mind with some people, you notice where you stand.
Two friends in particular helped me tremendously when it came to talking through everything. I couldn't be more thankful for those friendships, especially right now.
What I'm about to write is going to offend some people. It's not my intention to do so, rather, I just want to voice my opinion. I have chosen not to blog about this for so long b/c I don't want to alienate friends with my opinion. But you know, I'm entitled to it, just as others are entitled to their opinions. I hate making generalizations, and I realize that what I'm about to write is just that... I do, however, recognize that it is not a "rule" and does not mean that everyone is like this.
It is very rare that I say anything negative about CrossFit. While I disagree with the way some things are done, I respect that each person has their own beliefs and each person is responsible for his/her actions. That said, overall CrossFit has a superiority complex. They refer to themselves as "elite" athletes and many times, look down their noses at others who do no do CrossFit. It isn't enough that people exercise and enjoy it and are overall healthy people. Runners? Pshhhh... What do they know about being fit? And Zumba? HA! (Seriously though.. I would challenge ANY of my CrossFit friends to take a Zumba class from my instructor in TX.. holy shit can she kick some ass.)
It is that very attitude that makes me wonder what some of my "friends" will think about my decision to no longer do CF or lift. When I switched to only doing OLY, I felt some of that. But now... now I know it will be there more so. I see posts on Facebook.. I've heard comments from people... I know what many think... They think that because they can do things that others cannot, they are "better." Reality is that anyone who thinks like that is NOT better than another person, period. There are MANY CrossFitters who think like I did about it... It's cool as hell to be able to do that stuff! But it does not make me a better or worse person for what I can or cannot do physically.
So knowing that many of my friends from the gym feel this way makes it hard for me to accept that we can continue being friends. What will they think of ME for real? Will they think I'm a quitter? Will they think I'm less of a person b/c I'm choosing to do another type of workout? Do I give a shit? Sadly, in some ways I do. I do care that people who I've invested my time, energy and emotion into could possibly toss me aside and think less of me because I choose to take care of myself. I KNOW I've made the right decision, but it doesn't make it easier to swallow.
The pain of my decision will eventually fade. Maybe one day I'll find something that I love as much as I have loved OLY. (I can't even get that short sentence typed out right now without the tears starting... I'll so very much miss the feel of the bar in my hands and the rush of lifting something heavier than I ever imagined I could.)
People closest to me, as well as those who barely know me realize how huge it is for me to have to quit. And sadly, "quit" is the only word I can use for what I am doing.
(My next thing to "quit" will be eating so terribly... we'll see how that goes.)
Last March, my shoulder began to hurt when doing some exercises, mainly pull ups. After my accomplishment of learning how to jump onto a box, I decided that my next task would be to be able to do a pull up. I just wanted one. In January, I'd listed it as one of my CrossFit resolutions for the year. I had started doing assisted pull ups with the most resistance possible, almost. Basically, I sucked. In my defense, pulling up my body weight isn't an easy task, but it was something I desperately wanted to be able to do.
Around the same time, I fell in love with Olympic style weightlifting. For awhile, I thought I'd be able to do both CF and OLY and be OK, but I realized that my body just couldn't handle both. Let's face it, I'm no spring chicken. And I don't exactly have a history of working out prior to a couple of years ago. My body has taken a lot of abuse over the years from being so overweight for so long.
I gradually started doing more and more OLY and less and less CF. But I still worked and worked and worked (and worked and worked and worked) on my pull ups. I progressed slowly, but kept plugging at it, hoping that one day I'd meet that goal of JUST ONE unassisted pull up. That's all I wanted--just one.
At one point, my OLY coach reasoned with me about my shoulder pain and convinced me to see my doctor. I did some physical therapy and it helped a little... enough so that my pain went away for awhile and I was able to compete in my first (and only) OLY meet. It was that meet that made me want to never do anything but OLY ever again. Even CF, which I loved. Even Zumba, which I hadn't done in forever. I would've been happy only lifting heavy shit and nothing else.
But the pain came back. Eventually, I went back to my doctor (at the insistence of my OLY coach again) and got a referral for a sports medicine doctor. I did more physical therapy again... didn't help much, so the Dr told me to stop. We tried a cortisone injection--didn't help. I had an MRI, which was the most expensive nap I've ever had--and showed absolutely nothing abnormal. I had an MRI, which was the most expensive nap I've ever had--and showed absolutely nothing abnormal. We tried another steroid injection, that time using an x-ray to make sure the medicine was injected into the bursa (fluid sac). That helped briefly.
The pain kept getting worse and worse. It got to the point that I wasn't able to pick up a bar without pain. I was doing only lower body stuff and the pain kept getting worse. I wasn't able to snatch or c&j or do anything overhead. (I'd long given up my quest for a pull up.) I gradually got worse going from weight on the bar to only the bar (33#) to the training bar (15#) to only a PVC pipe to not being able to go overhead at all.
I knew it was serious. I didn't complain that much about the pain. Here and there I would, but I didn't let on just how bad it was. It got to the point where now only could I not snatch or c&j, but I couldn't even squat... just holding onto the bar was painful... just holding onto a PVC was painful to try and squat as well.
The doctor had been clear with me from the beginning as to what steps we'd take. He wanted to avoid scoping my shoulder to see what the problem was if at all possible, but the time came when that was the last option available. By that point, I was more than ready to have it done. My workouts were next to nothing and seemed pointless. I was learning creative ways to get somewhat of a workout in thanks to my coaches, but it still wasn't enough.
I've mentioned several times that I'm an emotional eater. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's a reality for me. During this whole time, my eating kept deteriorating. I got to the point where I met with my CF coach about how I should be eating for my type of working out. We did a body analysis and she told me how to eat properly while doing lots of weight stuff. The timing was terrible. It was just before the holidays. I was OK for a bit, but the more pain I had, the more I ate poorly.
As much as it pains me to admit it, I think that for the last 2 months now I've gotten my "nutrition" mostly from junk. I'm talking serious junk. Not just foods that aren't the best choice, but junk. Cookies, chips, ice cream. I've gotten to the point where I've even been hiding it from my husband. Obviously, my depression has been kicking into high gear.
So anyway. I had my surgery at the beginning of February. While the doctor was in there looking around, he figured out what was going on. My bursa was hemorrhaging and he had to remove it. In the process, he had to shave down some of the bone to make sure I had room to move my shoulder around without grinding bones together.
The pain from the surgery is like nothing I have ever experienced. It was worse than when my epidural stopped working when I was having my son. I'd rather give birth with absolutely no pain medication than go through the pain I've had with my shoulder b/c of the surgery.
Last week I had my 2 week post-op appointment. I knew what my doctor would say, but I had to hear it. I asked what the surgery meant for exercise for me in the long run. He wouldn't look me in the eye and wouldn't tell me that I "couldn't" do anything in particular. It was obvious by his body language what he thought. I'd already decided what I was going to do, but he confirmed that I was making the right choice by no longer doing OLY or CF.
He explained to me that because there was no longer the cushion in my shoulder, if I continued to workout like I had been, I was looking at majorly screwing up my rotator cuff. I knew that if that were to happen, it would be way worse than anything I'd experienced with this shoulder surgery.
I left and cried. And tried to wash my blues away with food. It didn't work. I spent a few days wallowing in self pity and thinking about how everything was going to change for me. CFMK had become my second home. For Christmas, my CF coach gave me a keychain with the coordinates of the gym on it... so I'd always know where to find my second home.
I've thought (and cried.. and eaten poorly) a lot over the last few days about what it all means. Reality is that when you're no long a part of something, your friendships will fade away. It's a horribly sad reality, but one that is true. Especially given that the type of exercise we were doing was one of the few things I had in common with so many of my friends there. In fact, not many of my "friends" have taken the time to check in with me since before the surgery. I realize everyone has his/her own life and definitely do not think that the world revolves around me. But when you're out of sight/out of mind with some people, you notice where you stand.
Two friends in particular helped me tremendously when it came to talking through everything. I couldn't be more thankful for those friendships, especially right now.
What I'm about to write is going to offend some people. It's not my intention to do so, rather, I just want to voice my opinion. I have chosen not to blog about this for so long b/c I don't want to alienate friends with my opinion. But you know, I'm entitled to it, just as others are entitled to their opinions. I hate making generalizations, and I realize that what I'm about to write is just that... I do, however, recognize that it is not a "rule" and does not mean that everyone is like this.
It is very rare that I say anything negative about CrossFit. While I disagree with the way some things are done, I respect that each person has their own beliefs and each person is responsible for his/her actions. That said, overall CrossFit has a superiority complex. They refer to themselves as "elite" athletes and many times, look down their noses at others who do no do CrossFit. It isn't enough that people exercise and enjoy it and are overall healthy people. Runners? Pshhhh... What do they know about being fit? And Zumba? HA! (Seriously though.. I would challenge ANY of my CrossFit friends to take a Zumba class from my instructor in TX.. holy shit can she kick some ass.)
It is that very attitude that makes me wonder what some of my "friends" will think about my decision to no longer do CF or lift. When I switched to only doing OLY, I felt some of that. But now... now I know it will be there more so. I see posts on Facebook.. I've heard comments from people... I know what many think... They think that because they can do things that others cannot, they are "better." Reality is that anyone who thinks like that is NOT better than another person, period. There are MANY CrossFitters who think like I did about it... It's cool as hell to be able to do that stuff! But it does not make me a better or worse person for what I can or cannot do physically.
So knowing that many of my friends from the gym feel this way makes it hard for me to accept that we can continue being friends. What will they think of ME for real? Will they think I'm a quitter? Will they think I'm less of a person b/c I'm choosing to do another type of workout? Do I give a shit? Sadly, in some ways I do. I do care that people who I've invested my time, energy and emotion into could possibly toss me aside and think less of me because I choose to take care of myself. I KNOW I've made the right decision, but it doesn't make it easier to swallow.
The pain of my decision will eventually fade. Maybe one day I'll find something that I love as much as I have loved OLY. (I can't even get that short sentence typed out right now without the tears starting... I'll so very much miss the feel of the bar in my hands and the rush of lifting something heavier than I ever imagined I could.)
People closest to me, as well as those who barely know me realize how huge it is for me to have to quit. And sadly, "quit" is the only word I can use for what I am doing.
(My next thing to "quit" will be eating so terribly... we'll see how that goes.)
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Shoulder Surgery
Last Friday I had shoulder surgery. I've been wanting to blog about it but have been rather out of it. I wanted to blog about it BEFORE but was way stressed out about it.
And now I'm going to write only this in hopes of being harassed for details (in order to MAKE me blog about it) by people who are just finding out. Sorry!
And now I'm going to write only this in hopes of being harassed for details (in order to MAKE me blog about it) by people who are just finding out. Sorry!
Friday, December 7, 2012
Back Down This Road Again
Well, I've finally gained enough weight back that I'm feeling like I'm back to square one. I'm NOT, but I feel like it. So I decided to do something about it.
I met with my CF coach yesterday to do a body analysis and go over nutrition. I realized that I don't really know how to eat properly for the kind of working out that I do. Yes, I understand a balanced diet, but for weightlifting it's a bit different. Mainly, I need more protien... and to cut the junk I've been munching on lately.
So I have my calorie, protien, carb and fat intakes laid out for me. I'm using FitDay.com to keep track of what I eat. And I get my first cheat day on Dec 27. AFTER CHRISTMAS! ACK!!
I've also decided to go back to CF two days a week, in addition to the Olympic weightlifting. I've been biking lately and I enjoy it.. so I don't think I'll stop that. But I haven't been doing enough of it. And the Rec Center... forget it. I haven't been going.
My shoulder is still messed up, so that's keeping me from swimming for now. Hopefully I can start that up once I have a bit more strength in my shoulder. For now, I'm doing light exercises and not pushing myself AT ALL because if by the beginning of January I'm still in pain--SURGERY.
I'm going to take "before" pictures and post them in the next few days. (How embarassing.)
I've come to accept that the number on the scale can be whatever it is... The muscle weight is fine. I just want the fat gone. And there's more than I'd like to admit at this point. :(
I met with my CF coach yesterday to do a body analysis and go over nutrition. I realized that I don't really know how to eat properly for the kind of working out that I do. Yes, I understand a balanced diet, but for weightlifting it's a bit different. Mainly, I need more protien... and to cut the junk I've been munching on lately.
So I have my calorie, protien, carb and fat intakes laid out for me. I'm using FitDay.com to keep track of what I eat. And I get my first cheat day on Dec 27. AFTER CHRISTMAS! ACK!!
I've also decided to go back to CF two days a week, in addition to the Olympic weightlifting. I've been biking lately and I enjoy it.. so I don't think I'll stop that. But I haven't been doing enough of it. And the Rec Center... forget it. I haven't been going.
My shoulder is still messed up, so that's keeping me from swimming for now. Hopefully I can start that up once I have a bit more strength in my shoulder. For now, I'm doing light exercises and not pushing myself AT ALL because if by the beginning of January I'm still in pain--SURGERY.
I'm going to take "before" pictures and post them in the next few days. (How embarassing.)
I've come to accept that the number on the scale can be whatever it is... The muscle weight is fine. I just want the fat gone. And there's more than I'd like to admit at this point. :(
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Losing My Addiction
I haven't written in so long. Probably all of the people who I was worried about seeing this blog have completely forgotten that I have it. Hopefully anyway.
So. I've lost my addiction to working out. I don't like that. I feel myself slipping away, ever so slowly. Not just slipping away from working out, but from being healthy in general. I don't want to be fat again, though you could probably argue that I am already.
I'm so sad. I don't know what to so about it. I feel the fire periodically, but it's usually on days that I've already worked out (I just want to workout again), or on days when I cannot workout for whatever reason.
School has started back for the husband and kids and I find myself overloaded with things to do for everyone. I'm volunteering in one classroom, plus PTO stuff. I have 3 appointments a week -- two for my (still) injured shoulder and one for the shrink. Neither can be dropped. Not that those take much time, but when factoring in other things, it just adds up.
My workout schedule isn't set like it used to be anymore. The husband took over mornings and now I'm finding that I have to fit it into my regular day... and I'm just not. If I'm being 100% honest, I'm only working about 4 days a week and that's just weightlifting. For awhile, I was biking, but I've stopped that for some reason.
My depression isn't so hot lately either. I don't want to do anything, despite having so much to do. Then I wonder if it's b/c I have so much to do that my depression is worse.
So. I've lost my addiction to working out. I don't like that. I feel myself slipping away, ever so slowly. Not just slipping away from working out, but from being healthy in general. I don't want to be fat again, though you could probably argue that I am already.
I'm so sad. I don't know what to so about it. I feel the fire periodically, but it's usually on days that I've already worked out (I just want to workout again), or on days when I cannot workout for whatever reason.
School has started back for the husband and kids and I find myself overloaded with things to do for everyone. I'm volunteering in one classroom, plus PTO stuff. I have 3 appointments a week -- two for my (still) injured shoulder and one for the shrink. Neither can be dropped. Not that those take much time, but when factoring in other things, it just adds up.
My workout schedule isn't set like it used to be anymore. The husband took over mornings and now I'm finding that I have to fit it into my regular day... and I'm just not. If I'm being 100% honest, I'm only working about 4 days a week and that's just weightlifting. For awhile, I was biking, but I've stopped that for some reason.
My depression isn't so hot lately either. I don't want to do anything, despite having so much to do. Then I wonder if it's b/c I have so much to do that my depression is worse.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
Surprising
I hate that I see myself as being extremely overweight.
I just saw a picture of myself from this past weekend (actually, I was in the background of a video). It's apparent that I could lose some weight.. and that I've got a lot of chub and skin going on in the stomach area. But I don't look like I'm unfit or obese. In fact, I was surprised at how fit I look. Not like superstar fit... but for me, not so shabby, despite my weight gain.
The last is horrible. Alas.. it's reality.
I just saw a picture of myself from this past weekend (actually, I was in the background of a video). It's apparent that I could lose some weight.. and that I've got a lot of chub and skin going on in the stomach area. But I don't look like I'm unfit or obese. In fact, I was surprised at how fit I look. Not like superstar fit... but for me, not so shabby, despite my weight gain.
The last is horrible. Alas.. it's reality.
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