Weightlifting Meet

Yesterday was the Olympic Weightlifting competition. I have been meaning to post more about it prior, but we're in the middle of moving and life is just kind of upside down right now. Goodness knows I've had plenty of whining to do about it though!!

In the last 2 weeks leading up to the meet, I wasn't feeling so great about it. My form has been off since I started back after my shoulder injury. (That is so sports-like sounding.) My confidence wasn't there and I was having nightmares about a drama meet I went to in high school and SUCKED at. It brought up lots of thoughts of the Old Me and the New Me and if there really is a New Me or not. There have been lots of changes in me over the last few years and it hasn't been just losing weight.

So anyway. I had been super anxious about the meet. I spent the last week working on technique and my coach felt good about it all. Admittedly, I felt better once getting that work done, but I was still scared. I have the best coach though.. he's so patient with me.

The meet was better than I expected. I did ok.. Not great, but ok. You get 3 tries at each lift. For the snatch, lift 1 was 30kg and I got it. Lift 2 was 33kg and I missed. Lift 3 was a repeat at 33kg and I hit it, which was a PR.  In all honesty, it was the weights in kg that made me not even think about how much I was lifting. Turned out to be a good thing b/c I have had a mental block with a weight lately. For the clean & jerk, I got my first 2 lifts at 35kg and 39kg and failed my 3rd at 43kg (which was about 4lbs more than my PR before hurting my shoulder). Considering I spent a lot of time nursing my shoulder and not doing the lifts, I'm pleased with how I did. I even got a medal b/c I was the first (and only!) person in my age/weight class! Ha! Guess it pays to be old and chunky!

I really didn't think I'd do well with people watching me, but I was so intent on lifting the bar that it didn't phase me that much. My husband and kids missed the snatches, but it was cool to hear/see them when I did the c&js. Friends who came to cheer us on told me later that the kids were asking the hubby if I'm stronger than him now. Ha!

After the meet, I got home and fed and put the kids to bed while the hubby went out with a friend. It was fair... after all, he'd stepped up and taken care of them all day. But talk about a let down for a day as significant as that was for me. Friends went out, hubby went out and I went to bed. I did have pizza for dinner at least.

People Always Ask...

People always ask why I decided to lose weight. I can't ever give them an answer they like, so I've started saying it was b/c of the kids. It kind of was... But not the main reason. So today I found this, which explains exactly how it was:

Will Emotional Eating Ever Go Away?

Wow. I haven't written in forever. The hubby was gone for 3 weeks and just got back. I would love to say that it was an amazing time alone with the kids and we bonded and had a blast every day, but that would be a huge lie. In fact, there were quite a few days that left me feeling like I need to have a few drinks at the end of the day. Sometimes it was even before noon.

I also wish I could say that I've been a good mom lately, but I don't think that's the case either. I have raised my voice to the kids too many times and frankly, they're just plain getting on my nerves!! But we all survived. And we'll survive the summer.

We close on our house in less than a week. EEK! Scary and exciting and about damn time. I have absolutely no idea when we'll even move in though since we have a month before we have to be out of the crappy rental house.

At the beginning of the month, I started back to the Paleo thing. It's going ok, I guess. Some days are better than others. Being a stress eater doesn't help when your kids are being shits and you have no time to yourself though.

I had lost 5lbs, but now the scale batteries died. And who the hell buys batteries for a scale?!? Oh what a disposable world we live in. I WOULD buy batteries, but it takes me 5 tries when I weigh myself to get a number that's consistent, so out in the trash this scale goes!

My weightlifting coach has decided we need to all meet and discuss what kind of future plans we have with CrossFit and OLY. Eek!! I knew this day would be coming, but MAN!! I really want to talk to my CF coach about it first. blah.

Therapy has been going ok, I guess. It's hard. She gave me a book to read called Dance of Anger. It's probably a great book... I can identify with a lot of what the author is saying... Which is probably why I don't think it's so awesome! Ha! I went this morning and like every week, I ended up with a throbbing headache. Kinda sucks. And it makes me emotional, which makes me want to make bad decisions with my food. It sucks ass.

I have so much that I want to write but I just can't b/c of my darling little brats. Ahhhhhh!!!

Tears Today, None Tomorrow

Yesterday began with me waking up at 5:30am with both kids in bed with me. My back was completely soaked. I didn't think much of it at first since I've had bad dreams lately where I wake up sweaty. But no.. it wasn't sweat. I got friggin PEED ON. And the day went downhill from there. 

Today started out ok. The kids and I went to the gym early (7am) and they played and had fun. Watched the Team WOD and took pics (since I couldn't do it). Then everyone left to go have breakfast with a girl who is deploying. I was the last to leave... And my van wouldn't start. The kids had been playing in it and drained the battery completely. I cried. I called a friend and she rescued us. But man. Oh.. and today it's supposed to be 100. It was only 90 when we left, but DAMN. That's not exactly cool!

So tomorrow. It WILL be a good day. So will the rest of today. But all day tomorrow will be good and there will be no tears. 

I feel like I've shut down the last couple of days. I don't want to play with the kids. I want to just be ALONE. But even if I take a few minutes in another room or something, it's not really alone. 

I feel like a terrible mother. I'm not a fun mom. I don't like doing things constantly. I'm a homebody. But the kids get bored and then they get cranky. So either I try to keep them somewhat occupied, or we all go crazy. 

I was thinking how single moms have less of a hard time with this stuff than I am, but then I'm sure they had a rocky start, too. I'm sure that just as the kids and I are getting into a good groove, my husband will return from his 3 week trip. 

As I've mentioned many times, when I'm stressed I eat. Not good. At all. I should drink. Ha! 

Tomorrow will be a better day. No tears. No yelling (which I *think* hasn't happened today, and if it has, it's been minimal). 

Lonely

There have been times recently when I've felt really lonely... like I didn't have anyone to talk to. The hubby left earlier this week (for 3 weeks!!) and now the loneliness is really setting in. 

Today was the first day of summer break and I'm feeling so lonely that I just want to cry. All I want is a hug.  :( 

Dreaming

One thing I have been discovering over the last few weeks is that despite learning to try to control my negative thoughts, I can't do much about them when I'm sleeping. My dreams have gone from bad to worse. Makes me not want to go to sleep.

Fighting for Positive Thoughts

I'm sitting here on my butt surfing online and listening to old music I haven't heard in forever. I feel like I need to do something productive. I think blogging counts as that since I haven't done it in awhile!!

I've been making sure to go to my shrink appointments despite them giving me migraines each time I go. I think progress has been going well. I'm still working on not thinking bad thoughts. I think that not thinking bad thoughts and thinking good thoughts about myself are completely different things. I'm working on it though. It's getting easier to feel proud of myself or pleased with myself about things. I've tried really hard not not add "but" onto everything, too. THAT is hard for me.

Something happened yesterday that kinda shook me up and it's really stupid that it did. But it falls into this whole lacking self confidence crap. A friend of mine had a few too many drinks and called to tell me how much she's glad we're friends and how awesome she thinks I am. All I could think was, "but I'm NOT."  :( And I worry that I'll be a bad friend to her and hurt her somehow. I don't really know what is so awesome about me. :(  I honestly didn't know she liked me that much, despite that I really like her.. I thought she just tolerated me. But then, I think that about a lot of people. Kind of a crappy feeling. Guess that's something I need to work on, too.

I had a bit of a run-in with my weightlifting coach this week. I don't even know what to say about it other than it really got to me. Fortunately, he's a great guy and all is well.

I've finally realized that even if I focus on weightlifting, it has nothing to do with my loyalty to my CrossFit coach. I plan on continuing to do both and see how it goes. Right now I'm meeting with my Oly coach 3 times a week and doing CF three. Seems like a good compromise, though I want more. Makes me mad when people challenge my decision to cut back and not overdo it. I have a hard enough time not being hard on myself for not doing it all but for others to jump in and tell me that I should do more just makes me mad.

I told myself I was going to start a food log last week. And I did start. And then PMS came swooping in and killed it. Last night, I wanted ice cream so badly that I actually packed the kids up to go get some, even though they didn't want any. Proud moment. So I'll start that and stick to it. I've GOT to get some of this weight off. I know I'm gaining muscle, but Jesus. I need to lose the fat!! I feel so gross. :(