Will Emotional Eating Ever Go Away?

Wow. I haven't written in forever. The hubby was gone for 3 weeks and just got back. I would love to say that it was an amazing time alone with the kids and we bonded and had a blast every day, but that would be a huge lie. In fact, there were quite a few days that left me feeling like I need to have a few drinks at the end of the day. Sometimes it was even before noon.

I also wish I could say that I've been a good mom lately, but I don't think that's the case either. I have raised my voice to the kids too many times and frankly, they're just plain getting on my nerves!! But we all survived. And we'll survive the summer.

We close on our house in less than a week. EEK! Scary and exciting and about damn time. I have absolutely no idea when we'll even move in though since we have a month before we have to be out of the crappy rental house.

At the beginning of the month, I started back to the Paleo thing. It's going ok, I guess. Some days are better than others. Being a stress eater doesn't help when your kids are being shits and you have no time to yourself though.

I had lost 5lbs, but now the scale batteries died. And who the hell buys batteries for a scale?!? Oh what a disposable world we live in. I WOULD buy batteries, but it takes me 5 tries when I weigh myself to get a number that's consistent, so out in the trash this scale goes!

My weightlifting coach has decided we need to all meet and discuss what kind of future plans we have with CrossFit and OLY. Eek!! I knew this day would be coming, but MAN!! I really want to talk to my CF coach about it first. blah.

Therapy has been going ok, I guess. It's hard. She gave me a book to read called Dance of Anger. It's probably a great book... I can identify with a lot of what the author is saying... Which is probably why I don't think it's so awesome! Ha! I went this morning and like every week, I ended up with a throbbing headache. Kinda sucks. And it makes me emotional, which makes me want to make bad decisions with my food. It sucks ass.

I have so much that I want to write but I just can't b/c of my darling little brats. Ahhhhhh!!!

Tears Today, None Tomorrow

Yesterday began with me waking up at 5:30am with both kids in bed with me. My back was completely soaked. I didn't think much of it at first since I've had bad dreams lately where I wake up sweaty. But no.. it wasn't sweat. I got friggin PEED ON. And the day went downhill from there. 

Today started out ok. The kids and I went to the gym early (7am) and they played and had fun. Watched the Team WOD and took pics (since I couldn't do it). Then everyone left to go have breakfast with a girl who is deploying. I was the last to leave... And my van wouldn't start. The kids had been playing in it and drained the battery completely. I cried. I called a friend and she rescued us. But man. Oh.. and today it's supposed to be 100. It was only 90 when we left, but DAMN. That's not exactly cool!

So tomorrow. It WILL be a good day. So will the rest of today. But all day tomorrow will be good and there will be no tears. 

I feel like I've shut down the last couple of days. I don't want to play with the kids. I want to just be ALONE. But even if I take a few minutes in another room or something, it's not really alone. 

I feel like a terrible mother. I'm not a fun mom. I don't like doing things constantly. I'm a homebody. But the kids get bored and then they get cranky. So either I try to keep them somewhat occupied, or we all go crazy. 

I was thinking how single moms have less of a hard time with this stuff than I am, but then I'm sure they had a rocky start, too. I'm sure that just as the kids and I are getting into a good groove, my husband will return from his 3 week trip. 

As I've mentioned many times, when I'm stressed I eat. Not good. At all. I should drink. Ha! 

Tomorrow will be a better day. No tears. No yelling (which I *think* hasn't happened today, and if it has, it's been minimal). 

Lonely

There have been times recently when I've felt really lonely... like I didn't have anyone to talk to. The hubby left earlier this week (for 3 weeks!!) and now the loneliness is really setting in. 

Today was the first day of summer break and I'm feeling so lonely that I just want to cry. All I want is a hug.  :( 

Dreaming

One thing I have been discovering over the last few weeks is that despite learning to try to control my negative thoughts, I can't do much about them when I'm sleeping. My dreams have gone from bad to worse. Makes me not want to go to sleep.

Fighting for Positive Thoughts

I'm sitting here on my butt surfing online and listening to old music I haven't heard in forever. I feel like I need to do something productive. I think blogging counts as that since I haven't done it in awhile!!

I've been making sure to go to my shrink appointments despite them giving me migraines each time I go. I think progress has been going well. I'm still working on not thinking bad thoughts. I think that not thinking bad thoughts and thinking good thoughts about myself are completely different things. I'm working on it though. It's getting easier to feel proud of myself or pleased with myself about things. I've tried really hard not not add "but" onto everything, too. THAT is hard for me.

Something happened yesterday that kinda shook me up and it's really stupid that it did. But it falls into this whole lacking self confidence crap. A friend of mine had a few too many drinks and called to tell me how much she's glad we're friends and how awesome she thinks I am. All I could think was, "but I'm NOT."  :( And I worry that I'll be a bad friend to her and hurt her somehow. I don't really know what is so awesome about me. :(  I honestly didn't know she liked me that much, despite that I really like her.. I thought she just tolerated me. But then, I think that about a lot of people. Kind of a crappy feeling. Guess that's something I need to work on, too.

I had a bit of a run-in with my weightlifting coach this week. I don't even know what to say about it other than it really got to me. Fortunately, he's a great guy and all is well.

I've finally realized that even if I focus on weightlifting, it has nothing to do with my loyalty to my CrossFit coach. I plan on continuing to do both and see how it goes. Right now I'm meeting with my Oly coach 3 times a week and doing CF three. Seems like a good compromise, though I want more. Makes me mad when people challenge my decision to cut back and not overdo it. I have a hard enough time not being hard on myself for not doing it all but for others to jump in and tell me that I should do more just makes me mad.

I told myself I was going to start a food log last week. And I did start. And then PMS came swooping in and killed it. Last night, I wanted ice cream so badly that I actually packed the kids up to go get some, even though they didn't want any. Proud moment. So I'll start that and stick to it. I've GOT to get some of this weight off. I know I'm gaining muscle, but Jesus. I need to lose the fat!! I feel so gross. :(

Ouch.

Last night I was cuddling with my daughter before bed and we were talking. It was a sweet conversation about how much she loves me. Somewhere along the way the topic changed and she made a comment that her friend's mom is skinny. I responded, "Yes, she is. She's SUPER skinny." She's a runner and VERY thin. My daughter's response?? "And you're SUPER FAT."

*sigh*

Clean & Jerk!

Today was a good gym day... I PR'd my clean & jerk and did 91lbs! At 93lbs, I dropped the bar on my head though, so I called it a day. (I'm fine! And it's actually not a terrible thing since it means that I was under the bar like I needed to be!)