Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down This Wall!

If it's one thing I've learned very clearly in my life, it's that no matter what, you can only depend on yourself. Unless it's whining from kids. That's always something you can depend on! Sadly, despite knowing this, I still lean on others or look to others for help when I  know I shouldn't. Eventually, I'll always get burned, even if it isn't intentional on the part of the offender.

When I reached my goal weight, I had the following quote imprinted on a pendant (and my original weight on the back).

No one saves us but ourselves. We ourselves must walk the path.

(The original quote is actually: "No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path." But it was too long!)

Until recently, I ALWAYS wore that pendant. At some point, I found the courage to take it off (after it repeatedly got busted off the necklace at the gym). It's on my key chain now. It always stood as a reminder of what I used to be and what I never want to become again. I finally decided that I didn't NEED it anymore. But sometimes I still want it. I reach for it daily still. I'm comforted when I see it, thought I don't seek it out (usually).

While I had Lisa's help to lose weight, ultimately I did it on my own. And while I've had trainers who have pushed me and helped me along the way, again, ultimately I was the one who did it. I know I needed that push and that support. But when it came right down to it, they didn't do the work for me. (Look at me being all positive!!)

I know I have let people down before. I don't think many people go out seeking others to hurt and disappoint. It's just a fact of life, unfortunately. More than anything, I would love to keep my kids in a bubble and prevent them from ever feeling that kind of disappointment from someone they trust. Unfortunately, I know that at some point, I will disappoint them myself. I just hope that I never let them down so much that they think they can't ever depend on me. And hopefully they won't learn to be as jaded as I am.

It makes for a rather lonely feeling not allowing yourself to get close to people in fear that they'll let you down. Letting that wall down and getting hurt only makes it that much harder the next time someone new steps into your life. What's the key to not getting hurt? Not caring? That can't be it! You cannot go through life without caring about others. Not trusting? Trusting only to a certain point? If so, what's that point?

I doubt there's a way to solve this problem. I know the issue lies within me. I like caring about people. I like that feeling when I do trust someone... right up to the point of when they do something that ultimately hurts me. Maybe my standards are too high. Maybe that's my problem.

Positive Bullshit

I was laying (lying?) in bed about 30min before my alarm was set to go off this morning (4:21am) and thinking about CrossFit. Shocking, no? Yesterday started the CrossFit Games Open (or something like that), which is the beginning stages of selecting athletes for the CrossFit Games that's grown quite popular on ESPN.

One super awesome thing about CrossFit is that most everything can be modified to your level. Not everyone is capable of doing what people watch on TV! B everyone can do the WOD (WorkOut of the Day) each week to see where they stand. For the longest time, I thought it was a joke for me to even think about doing it. I mean, I'm not good.  But. One thing I've learned about CF... It doesn't matter. As long as you bust your ass to do what YOU can do, it doesn't matter what others can do. It's about self improvement. Sure, there are people who compete professionally. And that's awesome. They're super amazing and inspiring. Again, not everyone can do that. But it doesn't mean you can't see just how much you CAN do.

So I'm doing the local Open, which means I'll go and do the WODs each week and try not to embarrass myself too badly in front of some seriously amazing athletes. There will be things I do that will be scaled to my level, which means I cannot register online for the official CrossFit stuff. No biggie for me.

It's no secret that I have a bad attitude. When I workout, I complain. A lot. But this morning when I was talking to others at CF to see if they were going to participate, I was very surprised at how many refused. "Did you WATCH last year??" "There's no way I can do it." REALLY?? This is coming from people who kick my ass daily!! What's the worst that could happen if you try it? Your ego may get bruised because you can't do it as well as you'd like. Yes, pride is a huge thing. But getting out there and doing it to begin with is huge!

I'm super insecure with my physical abilities. But damned if I'm not going to push myself to see just how well I can do. That's what CrossFit is about!! Every week.. every day.. You do the work as best as you can. It's not a competition against others as much as it's a competition against yourself. So what if you go out there and are only able to do 10 burpees in 7 minutes? Next time shoot for 15! (By the way... The 1st WOD is 7 min of doing as many burpees as you can. I'm aiming for 40... errr.. 30.. which isn't much! The biggest issue is that you have to jump 6" at the top.)

I dunno.. Something must of overtaken my brain. I was even freaking people out with my positive talk this morning! (That said... I can talk the positive talk, but please don't try that positive bullshit on me!)

There's so much more I want to write, but I  know what it's like reading really long blog posts. *YAWN* Next time!



P.S. If someone would like to explain to me when to use laying and when to use lying in a way that I'll remember, it would be greatly appreciated!! When Granny nagged me relentlessly about it growing up, I chose to ignore her, and therefore any teacher that may have tried to correct me growing up. (Good ol' Granny... Always good for a grammar nag!)

Germy Kids

I hate being sick. I'm definitely not on my death bed, but feel shitty enough that my body doesn't want to do what my brain thinks it should. Including working out. Or standing. Sitting works, fortunately, so I know I'm not TOO bad off. It's terrible when you feel so bad that even sitting up is a chore! 

Kids are germy. There's lots of crap going around right now and apparently I'm the one taking the bullet for my kids. It always seems to be the case. And yes, I'd way more want to be sick than have them sick. But it still sucks! 

I woke up yesterday with an earache and later a sore throat showed. The ear was throbbing enough for me to immediately think that I needed to call the doctor, though I didn't because it just started and I'm not that much of a freak. Today I'm thinking about it, though statistically ear infections go away on their own without medication within the same time frame as if if medicated. But numbing drop sound DIVINE right now. 

I missed CrossFit this morning and missed swimming last night. The negative bitch in me is telling me what a fucking pansy I am for skipping. Yes, I've worked out sicker than this before. But I don't think it was necessarily the smartest decision. So I'm taking it easy. And trying to ignore that stupid inner bitch. Skipping a day doesn't mean I'm lazy or that I want to quit. It just means my body needs a break. And let's face it, this body is getting older. I haven't treated it the best over the years either. But damn did I miss a good workout this morning!! Gaaah!!

The logical bitch in me says that if I'd gone to CF this morning, I would've had a crappy workout and it would've made me feel down on myself. Which is true. But... but... I HATE missing a workout!!!

Disgruntled Employer

I've put off writing about this in depth for awhile now because it's kind of a sensitive topic for me. But more and more it keeps weighing on my mind, so hopefully this outlet will help.

I love CrossFit (duh). And I love talking about it (duh, again). But my husband does not enjoy listening to anything CrossFit related. He has, in fact, requested that I not talk about it, period. I can't say I've done this, but I do try not to talk about it that much. (What's the point when you might as well be talking to a wall! Though if our walls could talk, they'd probably use a few choice words about how I treat them when working on CF stuff!) But it's FUN! I really enjoy my workouts and the kick ass stuff that I'm able to do that I never thought I could! And the one person I really want to share  it with doesn't give a shit.

I hesitate to say that he's not supportive. After all, when I've been in a funk and thought about quitting, he's been quick to tell me he doesn't want me to. But it's not a welcomed topic of conversation, for sure.

(Major pet peeve: Starting several paragraphs in a row with the same word. Unfortunately, that's going to be hard for me to avoid for this post, so I've already given up.)

I've been offered the chance to work with a weightlifting coach who I met through CrossFit. I went in yesterday to work with the guy and it was pretty cool. I have no idea how interested I am in it though. Definitely interested enough to check it out and see how things go, but it means cutting back on my CrossFit. Which.. OMG. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I don't want to!!!

That said, I think I'm going to give it a shot. If anything, it'll help me get better with the barbell stuff in CF.

I've tried talking to the husband about this, but all I get is, "That's fine." Which obviously means it is not. When I question it, I get, "Well, you know." And that's as far as the conversation has ever gotten. He hasn't even so much as asked how much time it will take. Or cost. Or ANYTHING. He won't tell me I can't do it, but damned if he'll talk about it. (Maybe I should tell him it'll cost a couple hundred bucks a month, then pocket the cash! I kid, I kid.) As painful as it is for me to say this, I feel like unless it benefits him, he doesn't care. And that's a shitty way to feel. (Even the swim lessons he doesn't really care about. Hell, he says it's a great idea, but gets put off every Monday despite agreeing to the day/time!)

I think what bothers me even more than his lack of interest is what I perceive as his lack of caring. Friends who I've talked to about opportunity ask questions about my safety.. Not just when lifting weights but being alone with some man who I just met. One friend was super hesitant for me to do it b/c she thinks he's looking to take advantage of me in some way. Let's face it.. she has a point. I'm pretty naive about some things and take the word of people. (Which is why I didn't decide to do it without asking a million questions from him and others!) But the husband... nada.

I know that a big issue with it is that it means he'll have to pull more of his share around the house. (Wait... that implies he helps to begin with!) On Mondays, he does have to feed the kids dinner, but I'm home by bedtime. (OK, I do have to admit that he does baths and reads stories before bed. And in the mornings, he does breakfast for the kids if I'm not home when they wake up. All of this, of course, equates to me doing nothing.) I told him this morning that I wouldn't do weightlifting in the evenings until after swim lessons are over, and then I'll limit it to one day a week so things won't be that different. Of course, that wasn't good. (To clarify in case this sounds like we had a discussion, I'm talking AT him when I tell him this stuff. The response I get is "that's fine" or a grunt... assuming he acknowledges that I'm speaking, period.)

It SUCKS.
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Update on my post the other day about decisions... I've decided that for now I'm "just" going to be a mom. I'm not sure about the whole PTO thing other than continuing to volunteer like I have been. Time will tell on that. As for the other option (a business opportunity), we've decided to revisit the possibility in 6-12mo once things are a little more settled as far as schooling is concerned. The hubby kind of understands and is supportive enough. And I am thankful for that. Tremendously so. Because right now I need to be a mom.

Actually, right now I need to be a CLEANING mom! (Please note that I did resist the urge to call myself the maid, though that description is much more fitting, I believe.)

I Wasn't Last!

I tied for last, but I wasn't last! Woo hoo! I  loved the way it was set up... no one even knew who was in what "place" since people who were doing the modified workout were going at the same time as those who didn't modify. It was great. (Minus the fact that my name was listed last, but whatever!)

Despite a night full of bad dreams that included images of me falling on my face, not finishing until after everyone had left, etc., today turned out ok! I would definitely want to do better in the future. But I didn't do too badly today! I thought for sure I would be in a terrible mood and do poorly, but interestingly, I was in a great mood! And even though I wish I'd done better, I'm ok with how things went today, minus my pants constantly sliding down while I was running and my lungs rejecting the cold air!

I have to admit that I was a little scared that I would go today and be completely intimidated by all of these amazing athletes and want to give up on CrossFit (again). But all of these amazing people and the INSANE awesome things they were able to do were totally inspirational. And not only did I love being part of it, but I loved that it has become a part of my life.


As for my post the other day... I still don't know what I want to do. I feel like I need to give everything a fair shot. And to make matters better, there's been another little thing thrown in, which isn't major but definitely makes the decision harder.

But as my awesome friend Deb said to me today, I'm very, very lucky to be in a place where I have a decision to make about which way my life will go. So many times (especially for stay at home moms) you just have to go with what's been handed to you.

Life Is Never Easy

It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes. I've got the opportunity to do two things that I want to do and don't know which I should choose.

One is big. Like, life changing big. My family will be greatly impacted, especially for the first year. It will require a TON of time and lots of sweat and tears. And stress. The long term benefits could be great, though there is risk involved. Not just financial risk, but risk for the family as far as relationships are concerned. The payout could be great in the long run... But in the meantime, could too much permanent damage be done?

The other... Eh. It's my life now, but more. The youngest starts kinder next year (full time) and I'll have the chance to do more volunteering with the school. The PTO needs someone to take over the book fair and no one wants to (except me). I'll be able to be in the classrooms more helping the teachers and just be there around the school. It's just continuing with how I want to raise my kids.

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In other news... There's a fundraiser thing tomorrow for CrossFit. I want to back out. But SOMEONE has to come in last, right?? Based on the roster that I've seen, it will probably be me. I'm not trying to knock myself. It's just a reality. Woo fucking hoo.

"Sticks and Stones" is Bullshit

Tonight I was talking with a man who I'd just met. Another lady came up and apparently they workout together in the mornings at like 5am. After the lady left, the man started talking to me about the importance of exercise and how it's such a great way to start the day, etc. I totally felt like he was trying to talk me into working out. Which, uh, I do. Apparently I don't look like it though. Finally, there was an opening in his lecture where I interjected how I go to CrossFit every morning at 5:30. The look on the dude's face was complete shock. "Isn't that like really INTENSE??" Uh, yep. Sure is!

I typically try to find a little humor in it when people don't realize I workout. I struggle enough with my looks and when people obviously are surprised that I could possibly not sit on my ass all day, it's rather insulting. I try to laugh it off, but deep down it gets to me.