Germy Kids

I hate being sick. I'm definitely not on my death bed, but feel shitty enough that my body doesn't want to do what my brain thinks it should. Including working out. Or standing. Sitting works, fortunately, so I know I'm not TOO bad off. It's terrible when you feel so bad that even sitting up is a chore! 

Kids are germy. There's lots of crap going around right now and apparently I'm the one taking the bullet for my kids. It always seems to be the case. And yes, I'd way more want to be sick than have them sick. But it still sucks! 

I woke up yesterday with an earache and later a sore throat showed. The ear was throbbing enough for me to immediately think that I needed to call the doctor, though I didn't because it just started and I'm not that much of a freak. Today I'm thinking about it, though statistically ear infections go away on their own without medication within the same time frame as if if medicated. But numbing drop sound DIVINE right now. 

I missed CrossFit this morning and missed swimming last night. The negative bitch in me is telling me what a fucking pansy I am for skipping. Yes, I've worked out sicker than this before. But I don't think it was necessarily the smartest decision. So I'm taking it easy. And trying to ignore that stupid inner bitch. Skipping a day doesn't mean I'm lazy or that I want to quit. It just means my body needs a break. And let's face it, this body is getting older. I haven't treated it the best over the years either. But damn did I miss a good workout this morning!! Gaaah!!

The logical bitch in me says that if I'd gone to CF this morning, I would've had a crappy workout and it would've made me feel down on myself. Which is true. But... but... I HATE missing a workout!!!

Disgruntled Employer

I've put off writing about this in depth for awhile now because it's kind of a sensitive topic for me. But more and more it keeps weighing on my mind, so hopefully this outlet will help.

I love CrossFit (duh). And I love talking about it (duh, again). But my husband does not enjoy listening to anything CrossFit related. He has, in fact, requested that I not talk about it, period. I can't say I've done this, but I do try not to talk about it that much. (What's the point when you might as well be talking to a wall! Though if our walls could talk, they'd probably use a few choice words about how I treat them when working on CF stuff!) But it's FUN! I really enjoy my workouts and the kick ass stuff that I'm able to do that I never thought I could! And the one person I really want to share  it with doesn't give a shit.

I hesitate to say that he's not supportive. After all, when I've been in a funk and thought about quitting, he's been quick to tell me he doesn't want me to. But it's not a welcomed topic of conversation, for sure.

(Major pet peeve: Starting several paragraphs in a row with the same word. Unfortunately, that's going to be hard for me to avoid for this post, so I've already given up.)

I've been offered the chance to work with a weightlifting coach who I met through CrossFit. I went in yesterday to work with the guy and it was pretty cool. I have no idea how interested I am in it though. Definitely interested enough to check it out and see how things go, but it means cutting back on my CrossFit. Which.. OMG. NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I don't want to!!!

That said, I think I'm going to give it a shot. If anything, it'll help me get better with the barbell stuff in CF.

I've tried talking to the husband about this, but all I get is, "That's fine." Which obviously means it is not. When I question it, I get, "Well, you know." And that's as far as the conversation has ever gotten. He hasn't even so much as asked how much time it will take. Or cost. Or ANYTHING. He won't tell me I can't do it, but damned if he'll talk about it. (Maybe I should tell him it'll cost a couple hundred bucks a month, then pocket the cash! I kid, I kid.) As painful as it is for me to say this, I feel like unless it benefits him, he doesn't care. And that's a shitty way to feel. (Even the swim lessons he doesn't really care about. Hell, he says it's a great idea, but gets put off every Monday despite agreeing to the day/time!)

I think what bothers me even more than his lack of interest is what I perceive as his lack of caring. Friends who I've talked to about opportunity ask questions about my safety.. Not just when lifting weights but being alone with some man who I just met. One friend was super hesitant for me to do it b/c she thinks he's looking to take advantage of me in some way. Let's face it.. she has a point. I'm pretty naive about some things and take the word of people. (Which is why I didn't decide to do it without asking a million questions from him and others!) But the husband... nada.

I know that a big issue with it is that it means he'll have to pull more of his share around the house. (Wait... that implies he helps to begin with!) On Mondays, he does have to feed the kids dinner, but I'm home by bedtime. (OK, I do have to admit that he does baths and reads stories before bed. And in the mornings, he does breakfast for the kids if I'm not home when they wake up. All of this, of course, equates to me doing nothing.) I told him this morning that I wouldn't do weightlifting in the evenings until after swim lessons are over, and then I'll limit it to one day a week so things won't be that different. Of course, that wasn't good. (To clarify in case this sounds like we had a discussion, I'm talking AT him when I tell him this stuff. The response I get is "that's fine" or a grunt... assuming he acknowledges that I'm speaking, period.)

It SUCKS.
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Update on my post the other day about decisions... I've decided that for now I'm "just" going to be a mom. I'm not sure about the whole PTO thing other than continuing to volunteer like I have been. Time will tell on that. As for the other option (a business opportunity), we've decided to revisit the possibility in 6-12mo once things are a little more settled as far as schooling is concerned. The hubby kind of understands and is supportive enough. And I am thankful for that. Tremendously so. Because right now I need to be a mom.

Actually, right now I need to be a CLEANING mom! (Please note that I did resist the urge to call myself the maid, though that description is much more fitting, I believe.)

I Wasn't Last!

I tied for last, but I wasn't last! Woo hoo! I  loved the way it was set up... no one even knew who was in what "place" since people who were doing the modified workout were going at the same time as those who didn't modify. It was great. (Minus the fact that my name was listed last, but whatever!)

Despite a night full of bad dreams that included images of me falling on my face, not finishing until after everyone had left, etc., today turned out ok! I would definitely want to do better in the future. But I didn't do too badly today! I thought for sure I would be in a terrible mood and do poorly, but interestingly, I was in a great mood! And even though I wish I'd done better, I'm ok with how things went today, minus my pants constantly sliding down while I was running and my lungs rejecting the cold air!

I have to admit that I was a little scared that I would go today and be completely intimidated by all of these amazing athletes and want to give up on CrossFit (again). But all of these amazing people and the INSANE awesome things they were able to do were totally inspirational. And not only did I love being part of it, but I loved that it has become a part of my life.


As for my post the other day... I still don't know what I want to do. I feel like I need to give everything a fair shot. And to make matters better, there's been another little thing thrown in, which isn't major but definitely makes the decision harder.

But as my awesome friend Deb said to me today, I'm very, very lucky to be in a place where I have a decision to make about which way my life will go. So many times (especially for stay at home moms) you just have to go with what's been handed to you.

Life Is Never Easy

It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes. I've got the opportunity to do two things that I want to do and don't know which I should choose.

One is big. Like, life changing big. My family will be greatly impacted, especially for the first year. It will require a TON of time and lots of sweat and tears. And stress. The long term benefits could be great, though there is risk involved. Not just financial risk, but risk for the family as far as relationships are concerned. The payout could be great in the long run... But in the meantime, could too much permanent damage be done?

The other... Eh. It's my life now, but more. The youngest starts kinder next year (full time) and I'll have the chance to do more volunteering with the school. The PTO needs someone to take over the book fair and no one wants to (except me). I'll be able to be in the classrooms more helping the teachers and just be there around the school. It's just continuing with how I want to raise my kids.

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In other news... There's a fundraiser thing tomorrow for CrossFit. I want to back out. But SOMEONE has to come in last, right?? Based on the roster that I've seen, it will probably be me. I'm not trying to knock myself. It's just a reality. Woo fucking hoo.

"Sticks and Stones" is Bullshit

Tonight I was talking with a man who I'd just met. Another lady came up and apparently they workout together in the mornings at like 5am. After the lady left, the man started talking to me about the importance of exercise and how it's such a great way to start the day, etc. I totally felt like he was trying to talk me into working out. Which, uh, I do. Apparently I don't look like it though. Finally, there was an opening in his lecture where I interjected how I go to CrossFit every morning at 5:30. The look on the dude's face was complete shock. "Isn't that like really INTENSE??" Uh, yep. Sure is!

I typically try to find a little humor in it when people don't realize I workout. I struggle enough with my looks and when people obviously are surprised that I could possibly not sit on my ass all day, it's rather insulting. I try to laugh it off, but deep down it gets to me.

The Weight of the World On Your Shoulders

Handstands are not easy. There are only a few things that have ever made me feel like an actual cow or whale and handstands are one of them. Granted neither cows nor whales can do handstands. But that's not my point. Every single ounce of your body is being held up by your arms. And if you weren't sure of just how heavy you feel, a handstand will tell you.

I didn't do it on my own, so I don't feel like it counts. Once I can get myself into a handstand then it will count. But I'm working on it and I'm on my way.

Today I literally felt like a cow. My spotter was my CrossFit coach who is a tiny little thing (but crazy, crazy strong). When helping me by holding my legs, damn did I feel large!! And heavy!! Which, OK, I know how much I weigh... and it's a LOT. But damn. Feeling like a cow sucks.
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I have to say that without pharmaceutical companies, I don't even want to think about the state I would be in mentally. My medications are back to work and I feel great. This particular combination is nice because I am actually able to FEEL. My emotions are still there. When something is sad, I cry. I get mad. I get happy. Some medications made me feel like a walking zombie and that's never a good thing.

So I guess what I'm saying is that life is (mostly) good again. Sure things suck sometimes, but it's a lot easier to handle when properly medicated!!
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In case you're wondering what other things made me feel like a cow or whale... breastfeeding (especially pumping) made me feel like a cow. I would often moo while doing it. And those Superman things you do on the floor while on your stomach... those make me feel like a beached whale. Walking in the subway in NYC at rush hour is cow-like as well. And yes, I mooed then, too. People didn't always appreciate it. Guess they didn't like feeling like a cow either!

Starting CrossFit Was A Mistake

There, I said it. And I'll say it again. Starting CrossFit was a mistake.

But you know what? It was one of the best mistakes I've ever made, I think. When I first started, I had no idea what I was in for. When reading about it online, everything seems so vague. (Even now when I try to explain it to people I find myself being vague about it because it's kinda hard to explain effectively.) It wasn't what I thought I was signing up for, though I wasn't really sure what I was expecting. Definitely nothing like what it is.

As I sit here with a strained muscle in my ass, I can't help but thinking about how I committed to myself to do 6 months and those 6 months will be over at the end of this month. Just short of month 3, I freaked and wanted to quit. I was scared to keep going. But I was scared to quit even more. At various points along the way I've thought about quitting as well (duh).

Not quitting has definitely NOT been a mistake. I've thought about comparing CrossFit to childbirth, but childbirth eventually ends. CrossFit keeps on torturing you. (No jokes about kids here!) But both give you something amazing to love that molds into a better person.  (For the record, neither of my kids were "oops babies" but it wouldn't matter if they had been.)

As my 6 months comes to a close, there's not a question in my mind about whether or not I should keep going. The only question in my mind  is how much MORE I can do. How much more weight can I lift? How much more intense can I handle? How much more will I continue to want?

I can only hope that everyone experiences such an awesome mistake as I have... where something turns out not to be at all what you thought, but ends up being something absolutely amazing.

Happy Valentine's Day!!