Life Is Never Easy

It's so hard to know what the right thing to do is sometimes. I've got the opportunity to do two things that I want to do and don't know which I should choose.

One is big. Like, life changing big. My family will be greatly impacted, especially for the first year. It will require a TON of time and lots of sweat and tears. And stress. The long term benefits could be great, though there is risk involved. Not just financial risk, but risk for the family as far as relationships are concerned. The payout could be great in the long run... But in the meantime, could too much permanent damage be done?

The other... Eh. It's my life now, but more. The youngest starts kinder next year (full time) and I'll have the chance to do more volunteering with the school. The PTO needs someone to take over the book fair and no one wants to (except me). I'll be able to be in the classrooms more helping the teachers and just be there around the school. It's just continuing with how I want to raise my kids.

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In other news... There's a fundraiser thing tomorrow for CrossFit. I want to back out. But SOMEONE has to come in last, right?? Based on the roster that I've seen, it will probably be me. I'm not trying to knock myself. It's just a reality. Woo fucking hoo.

"Sticks and Stones" is Bullshit

Tonight I was talking with a man who I'd just met. Another lady came up and apparently they workout together in the mornings at like 5am. After the lady left, the man started talking to me about the importance of exercise and how it's such a great way to start the day, etc. I totally felt like he was trying to talk me into working out. Which, uh, I do. Apparently I don't look like it though. Finally, there was an opening in his lecture where I interjected how I go to CrossFit every morning at 5:30. The look on the dude's face was complete shock. "Isn't that like really INTENSE??" Uh, yep. Sure is!

I typically try to find a little humor in it when people don't realize I workout. I struggle enough with my looks and when people obviously are surprised that I could possibly not sit on my ass all day, it's rather insulting. I try to laugh it off, but deep down it gets to me.

The Weight of the World On Your Shoulders

Handstands are not easy. There are only a few things that have ever made me feel like an actual cow or whale and handstands are one of them. Granted neither cows nor whales can do handstands. But that's not my point. Every single ounce of your body is being held up by your arms. And if you weren't sure of just how heavy you feel, a handstand will tell you.

I didn't do it on my own, so I don't feel like it counts. Once I can get myself into a handstand then it will count. But I'm working on it and I'm on my way.

Today I literally felt like a cow. My spotter was my CrossFit coach who is a tiny little thing (but crazy, crazy strong). When helping me by holding my legs, damn did I feel large!! And heavy!! Which, OK, I know how much I weigh... and it's a LOT. But damn. Feeling like a cow sucks.
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I have to say that without pharmaceutical companies, I don't even want to think about the state I would be in mentally. My medications are back to work and I feel great. This particular combination is nice because I am actually able to FEEL. My emotions are still there. When something is sad, I cry. I get mad. I get happy. Some medications made me feel like a walking zombie and that's never a good thing.

So I guess what I'm saying is that life is (mostly) good again. Sure things suck sometimes, but it's a lot easier to handle when properly medicated!!
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In case you're wondering what other things made me feel like a cow or whale... breastfeeding (especially pumping) made me feel like a cow. I would often moo while doing it. And those Superman things you do on the floor while on your stomach... those make me feel like a beached whale. Walking in the subway in NYC at rush hour is cow-like as well. And yes, I mooed then, too. People didn't always appreciate it. Guess they didn't like feeling like a cow either!

Starting CrossFit Was A Mistake

There, I said it. And I'll say it again. Starting CrossFit was a mistake.

But you know what? It was one of the best mistakes I've ever made, I think. When I first started, I had no idea what I was in for. When reading about it online, everything seems so vague. (Even now when I try to explain it to people I find myself being vague about it because it's kinda hard to explain effectively.) It wasn't what I thought I was signing up for, though I wasn't really sure what I was expecting. Definitely nothing like what it is.

As I sit here with a strained muscle in my ass, I can't help but thinking about how I committed to myself to do 6 months and those 6 months will be over at the end of this month. Just short of month 3, I freaked and wanted to quit. I was scared to keep going. But I was scared to quit even more. At various points along the way I've thought about quitting as well (duh).

Not quitting has definitely NOT been a mistake. I've thought about comparing CrossFit to childbirth, but childbirth eventually ends. CrossFit keeps on torturing you. (No jokes about kids here!) But both give you something amazing to love that molds into a better person.  (For the record, neither of my kids were "oops babies" but it wouldn't matter if they had been.)

As my 6 months comes to a close, there's not a question in my mind about whether or not I should keep going. The only question in my mind  is how much MORE I can do. How much more weight can I lift? How much more intense can I handle? How much more will I continue to want?

I can only hope that everyone experiences such an awesome mistake as I have... where something turns out not to be at all what you thought, but ends up being something absolutely amazing.

Happy Valentine's Day!! 

Eureka!

I figured it out. I figured out why I'm not allowed to talk about CrossFit. It's not intimidation. It's JEALOUSY!! Said person wants to be doing CrossFit, too! But since said person is too cheap to have a membership at both and the other is paid in full for a year, no CrossFit.

Not that it makes me feel any better. But at least I get it now.

I'm definitely back in my game!! I've been enjoying working out again. Saturday's Team WOD was terrible, but I held my own and didn't get discouraged afterward (despite feeling like the "special" person on the team). It was good.

Valentine's Day is tomorrow and I have too much to do, so this is it for now!

Stuck in My Head

Self Discovery

I don't know how to link these two topics together, so there will be a Part A and Part B. I could just wait to write about one or the other, but I don't want to. And two separate posts seems silly. 

Part A - Paleo Update

One reason I started the whole Paleo thing was to learn about how my body reacts to different foods, right? Well I've learned a couple of things I didn't expect to find out. 

- I have a "sensitivity" to peanuts. I'll spare you the details. But unless that particular batch of peanuts had some nasty germs or something in them, I think it's safe to say it's a sensitivity. The hubby and kids ate them with no problems, so I'm assuming they were fine. My body revolted. 

- I think I have a sensitivity to shrimp, too... A few years ago I discovered that I am allergic to lobster. I break out into a rash and itch like a mother f-er. Everyone has asked if I'm allergic to shrimp. Until now, I've never had a problem. Growing up by the Gulf, shrimp was always around. Yum! But this week.. Lord. My entire body itches. I thought maybe it was dry skin, but I've slathered lotion and it doesn't help. I told the hubby about it and immediately he suggested the shrimp I'd eaten. Nothing else I'd eaten that day or the day before could've been the culprit. And the rash looks just like the one I get with lobster. So.. I'm assuming it was the shrimp. Goody. 

- I don't crave non Paleo foods as much as I expected I would. Basically, if it's yummy, I'm good! I'd been off of pasta for a couple of years anyway, so that was no biggie. Potatoes, too. I think those would've been the hardest for me. I will admit that I eat popcorn. Besides chocolate, it's about the only cheat I think I have. Oh. Diet sodas. Lord, I love Diet Coke. And Diet Dr. Pepper. It's addicting. I'm trying hard to stay away, but the extra caffeine jolt around noon is soooo nice when I've been awake since 4:30. Maybe I can try going back to coffee. 

Part B - What Made Me Say That??

Periodically, I find myself in a position where I ask myself, "OMG. WHY did I tell ____ all of that?!?" It's always to a person I really like and am in the process of getting to know. So while I was lying (laying?) in bed at 4am (thanks to the little one wanting  milk), I was thinking about it. 

When I was growing up, I was told not to ask people personal questions. I was told that it was rude and I shouldn't be nosy. After meeting my friend Deb a few years ago, I realized how untrue that is! I like when people as me questions.. And people like when they are asked about themselves--usually. Deb has this amazing ability to make people feel special and part of that is that she is truly interested in getting to know people. She's awesome in so many ways, but that's a major one. 

I try to ask people questions, but feel very awkward. I hear my grandmother's voice telling me to not be so rude and I'm not able to ask more than a little of what I want to know. So to make up for that, I tell people something about me. It's not a very effective tool. I end up telling people too much or telling them something they don't want to know about me or whatever, when really all I'm trying to do is open a door for them to tell me something about them. I seriously lack social skills sometimes. So if you're reading this, know that I'm not trying to talk about myself all the time. Know that I'm sharing something with you so that you'll share something with me. And when I ask a question and it seems trite, it's because I don't want to be too nosy. In reality, I'm dying to get to know you better!

Part C - Bonus!

I thoroughly enjoyed my workout today. Not that it was easy by any means! But I had fun(ish)! As much fun as you can have when getting your ass handed to you, but it was so nice to have that feeling again!! I wasn't the fastest. I wasn't the slowest. I didn't lift the most. I didn't lift the least. Honestly, I don't even remember what other people did. I just know I did my best and focused on doing well. 

Today I'm going to practice some more at home. It's been forever since I've done that (minus yesterday). I'm still going to be too hard on myself. And I'm still going to suck at things. But it's nice to want to do better again! Go me!