Yesterday's Team WOD totally got the best of me and I don't even really know why. I've ALWAYS had to modify things I do at CrossFit. Like, everything almost. I walked in yesterday with confidence, but wasn't thinking it wouldn't be hard or that I wouldn't struggle. It's always hard. I always struggle. The people were awesome, as always. No one there is ever anything but great. No one ever even suggests that I shouldn't be there. So why do I feel like I shouldn't??
A lady who I've met one other time before yesterday (and who I didn't even talk to last time) came up to me afterward and told me that I should be so hard on myself. WHAT?!? I laughed. What else could I do?? It was so absurdly true that I couldn't do anything but laugh. I'm way too easy for people to read, apparently.
No details, but when I got home those feelings were just compounded and my day continued to take a dive as far as my confidence was concerned. I cried way too much yesterday. Usually a nap helps, but yesterday it didn't. (Probably because I fell asleep for 2.5 seconds before the kids woke me up.)
I'm waiting for that "AHA!" moment when I figure out why I'm so hard on myself... Then I can get over it. It's hard to get over something when you don't know what it is you're supposed to be getting over!
I don't want to go to CF tomorrow. Yesterday I contemplated taking a week off. Obviously that's not an option, nor is not going tomorrow. If it's one thing I've learned, when I'm in a funk I CANNOT let it keep me from my routine. Otherwise, things will just get worse.
I'm such a whiny pain in the ass. But I'm not a quitter. That should make up for a little of the whining, right??
The thing is, despite my post from yesterday, I actually enjoy being able to do these physical things (or enjoy trying to). And as I've said before, it does make me feel stronger/better when I finally can do something. I think I feel the spark coming back. I think. Not much, and obviously not enough to really be sure, but hopefully I'll really feel it soon. I need this. I don't know why I need CF, but I do. It's been great for me so far and I can't let a little bit (or a lot) of self doubt get in my way.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Sometimes I Wonder Why I Bother
Do I really need to be able to do real pull ups? Or climb a rope? Or do handstands? Or jump over shit? OK, maybe the jumping over shit might come in handy when kids leave their crap on the floor, but everything else? What's the point?
It's kinda cool to be able to do things, but is it worth putting myself through this over and over and getting so upset with myself when I can't?
At some point I'll get over myself and be enthusiastic about CrossFit again. Today just sucked for me. Talk about humbling. Here I was all positive and confident today and WHAM!
Today has definitely been a good reminder that things aren't always smooth sailing.
It's kinda cool to be able to do things, but is it worth putting myself through this over and over and getting so upset with myself when I can't?
At some point I'll get over myself and be enthusiastic about CrossFit again. Today just sucked for me. Talk about humbling. Here I was all positive and confident today and WHAM!
Today has definitely been a good reminder that things aren't always smooth sailing.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Brownies Are Not Paleo
Huge mistake to eat a brownie (or 2) before working out. I have no idea what I was thinking. So not worth it. Ugh.
Picture Overload
I hate my arms. I also hate my stomach, but at least that is covered. My arms though... YUCK. I prefer to workout in sleeveless shirts, which poses a bit of a problem with my icky, stretch marked, distracting arms.
Interestingly, I was looking through some pictures yesterday and came across one where my arms looked skinny... Well, skinny with lots of extra skin!! Yuck! (No wonder the one instructor in TX kept telling me I need to eat more protein!!)
(How cute are my little Woody and Jessie?!?)
I realized that though my arms are definitely not skinny now, and definitely still have chub and skin, at least they've got some muscle going on under there. I don't have a pic to show, but it's there.
In other pics from that time, I have an unmistakable light in my eyes. (Not in that pic because we were BEAT!) I don't know where it went. It must've run off with my confidence at some point. I need to find both again because it was nice!!
I also found this picture the other day. It was taken in January 2003.
EEK! Huge difference between then and now!! There was definitely no light in my eyes there.
It's interesting how perspective plays such a huge role in how you feel about yourself. With skinny, extra skin arms, I felt so much more confident than I do now because I felt thin. I was only 15lbs lighter than I am now (if that) and obviously not in as good of shape as I am now.
As I'm sitting here writing this, I realize how that makes absolutely NO sense at all. I should be more comfortable with how I look now than with those skinny, skin arms. I'm slowly coming around. It's hard to adjust your thinking sometimes. Especially when society beats into our heads that skinny is the best. (Oh lord, did I really just blame "society"!?) Of course, growing up it was also beat into my head that skinny was better. But that's for another time.
Not that it should really matter, but I've lost 10lbs. The last documented weight was at the beginning of December, though I know it went up over the holidays. I was just never able get the courage to write it down!
I do, however, have pics from just after I started CF and now. I should've known better than to wear a regular t-shirt for the first pic, but too late now.
Interestingly, I was looking through some pictures yesterday and came across one where my arms looked skinny... Well, skinny with lots of extra skin!! Yuck! (No wonder the one instructor in TX kept telling me I need to eat more protein!!)
(How cute are my little Woody and Jessie?!?)
I realized that though my arms are definitely not skinny now, and definitely still have chub and skin, at least they've got some muscle going on under there. I don't have a pic to show, but it's there.
In other pics from that time, I have an unmistakable light in my eyes. (Not in that pic because we were BEAT!) I don't know where it went. It must've run off with my confidence at some point. I need to find both again because it was nice!!
I also found this picture the other day. It was taken in January 2003.
EEK! Huge difference between then and now!! There was definitely no light in my eyes there.
It's interesting how perspective plays such a huge role in how you feel about yourself. With skinny, extra skin arms, I felt so much more confident than I do now because I felt thin. I was only 15lbs lighter than I am now (if that) and obviously not in as good of shape as I am now.
As I'm sitting here writing this, I realize how that makes absolutely NO sense at all. I should be more comfortable with how I look now than with those skinny, skin arms. I'm slowly coming around. It's hard to adjust your thinking sometimes. Especially when society beats into our heads that skinny is the best. (Oh lord, did I really just blame "society"!?) Of course, growing up it was also beat into my head that skinny was better. But that's for another time.
Not that it should really matter, but I've lost 10lbs. The last documented weight was at the beginning of December, though I know it went up over the holidays. I was just never able get the courage to write it down!
I do, however, have pics from just after I started CF and now. I should've known better than to wear a regular t-shirt for the first pic, but too late now.
Sept. 2011
Jan. 2012
I'm a dork. Forgive me, please.
On a positive note... That extra skin makes me look like I have huge muscles in that last pic!
I see a slight difference, I think. I don't know though. It's hard to tell because of the t-shirt. Oh well.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Powerless
The feeling of being completely powerless in a situation is horrible. Nothing you can say or do will have any impact on the situation. What's done is done and you have to live with it.
Realizing that you've been completely dicked over by someone you love is mind blowing -- and not in a good way.
Rage can't change things. Tears can't change things. Will words do anything? Will it make matters worse? Does the recipient have enough of a soul to even care?
I'm struggling trying to explain to myself that this is not my fault. (Though, if I hadn't been so weak before, would this have happened?? Why did I sit back and take someone's word for it?)
In situations like these (yes, I know I'm being vague and I apologize), I usually turn to food. Or beating the shit out of walls or something (if my 4 year old wasn't here, I'd definitely be doing that). I am mentally and physically exhausted, so a killer workout isn't even going to do anything but bring me down more.
So I am sitting on my ass and writing. And crying. But hey, I'm not eating, right?? (Not that there's anything worth splurging on in the house!) One thing I've learned over the last few years is that food really isn't all that comforting once you realize how much damage you've done, especially as a reaction to something that you cannot control.
Actions of others should have no bearing of what I choose to ingest. An ice cream cone or doughnut or cookie may make me feel better for the few minutes it takes to eat, but losing that self control makes it worse in the long run. It's much more enjoyable to eat something "bad" when it's planned and calculated and you can enjoy every bite.
Having an outlet is extremely important. Exercise is a far better outlet for me than eating ever was. Writing has always been great for me as well, but sometimes it isn't enough. Thank God I'm going back to CrossFit tonight. Working on technique always helps. (Lifting heavy shit helps, too... But there's not going to be much of that tonight.)
Realizing that you've been completely dicked over by someone you love is mind blowing -- and not in a good way.
Rage can't change things. Tears can't change things. Will words do anything? Will it make matters worse? Does the recipient have enough of a soul to even care?
I'm struggling trying to explain to myself that this is not my fault. (Though, if I hadn't been so weak before, would this have happened?? Why did I sit back and take someone's word for it?)
In situations like these (yes, I know I'm being vague and I apologize), I usually turn to food. Or beating the shit out of walls or something (if my 4 year old wasn't here, I'd definitely be doing that). I am mentally and physically exhausted, so a killer workout isn't even going to do anything but bring me down more.
So I am sitting on my ass and writing. And crying. But hey, I'm not eating, right?? (Not that there's anything worth splurging on in the house!) One thing I've learned over the last few years is that food really isn't all that comforting once you realize how much damage you've done, especially as a reaction to something that you cannot control.
Actions of others should have no bearing of what I choose to ingest. An ice cream cone or doughnut or cookie may make me feel better for the few minutes it takes to eat, but losing that self control makes it worse in the long run. It's much more enjoyable to eat something "bad" when it's planned and calculated and you can enjoy every bite.
Having an outlet is extremely important. Exercise is a far better outlet for me than eating ever was. Writing has always been great for me as well, but sometimes it isn't enough. Thank God I'm going back to CrossFit tonight. Working on technique always helps. (Lifting heavy shit helps, too... But there's not going to be much of that tonight.)
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Grumpy Gus
I woke up grumpy and teary today with zero positive thoughts running through my head. And craving junk food.
Sound familiar to anyone?? UGH. PMS blows.
I knew this day would come. When you've vowed to completely change your eating habits and then CRAVE cake or ice cream (dear God, what I'd do for a huge slice of chocolate cake right now.. or some Orange Leaf... mmmm...) makes things rather difficult!! Especially when you've always found comfort in food! (Some super salty fries sound awesome right now, too!)
There are things I want to write that lean towards the positive side and every time I start, the tears start also. (See, I'm a whack job!) But I'll try anyway. Maybe the tears will be therapeutic?
I've had a runner friend here who has been offering to run with me. My CF coach has also wanted me to work on it. I haven't run since I hurt my ankle months ago, except for during workouts. It's debatable if what I do/did can even be called running though. I suck at running.
So as of yesterday (when I wasn't feeling all crappy about life), I decided that I'm going to work on my running again. Boo. I don't want to. Nothing that makes you feel weak is fun. But every once in a while, I listen to the positive bullshit that's coming out of the mouths of others and what (sometimes) goes through my head.
I get a big kick out of people who think I'm awesome because I do things that are hard for me. I'm not awesome. I hate being weak. Fear is weak. (I also hate hate HATE disappointing people. Especially people who put a lot of time and effort into helping me. Good reason or not to take things on, it helps me stay motivated and get results.)
Speaking of fear... (I may or may not get back to the running this post. But long story short, I'm going to start running again with an amazing woman who I've met here. This sure will put our friendship to a test!! And I also need to work on how to run properly, rather than dragging my feet along the ground a bit faster than a walking pace!)
One of my New Years Resolutions is to learn to swim. I signed up for swim lessons, which begin in a few weeks. I just checked to see if the class has made and there are only 2 spots remaining. That means this is going to happen, I guess.
Seriously, just thinking about this makes my heart POUND and makes me start shaking. I'm terrified. I would pop a Xanax before the first lesson, but that might backfire and make things worse! ;)
Yes, I know I grew up in Florida. And yes, at one time I could swim. But somewhere along the way I became terrified of the water. I was never a very good swimmer to begin with, but I've lost all ability, and it has nothing to do with putting on a swimsuit (which reminds me... I need to go buy one).
Now that I got that out, I'm going to go watch a tear jerker movie and fold laundry while the hubby and kids are at the park. (It's always fun to be left behind so I can do chores!)
Sound familiar to anyone?? UGH. PMS blows.
I knew this day would come. When you've vowed to completely change your eating habits and then CRAVE cake or ice cream (dear God, what I'd do for a huge slice of chocolate cake right now.. or some Orange Leaf... mmmm...) makes things rather difficult!! Especially when you've always found comfort in food! (Some super salty fries sound awesome right now, too!)
There are things I want to write that lean towards the positive side and every time I start, the tears start also. (See, I'm a whack job!) But I'll try anyway. Maybe the tears will be therapeutic?
I've had a runner friend here who has been offering to run with me. My CF coach has also wanted me to work on it. I haven't run since I hurt my ankle months ago, except for during workouts. It's debatable if what I do/did can even be called running though. I suck at running.
So as of yesterday (when I wasn't feeling all crappy about life), I decided that I'm going to work on my running again. Boo. I don't want to. Nothing that makes you feel weak is fun. But every once in a while, I listen to the positive bullshit that's coming out of the mouths of others and what (sometimes) goes through my head.
I get a big kick out of people who think I'm awesome because I do things that are hard for me. I'm not awesome. I hate being weak. Fear is weak. (I also hate hate HATE disappointing people. Especially people who put a lot of time and effort into helping me. Good reason or not to take things on, it helps me stay motivated and get results.)
Speaking of fear... (I may or may not get back to the running this post. But long story short, I'm going to start running again with an amazing woman who I've met here. This sure will put our friendship to a test!! And I also need to work on how to run properly, rather than dragging my feet along the ground a bit faster than a walking pace!)
One of my New Years Resolutions is to learn to swim. I signed up for swim lessons, which begin in a few weeks. I just checked to see if the class has made and there are only 2 spots remaining. That means this is going to happen, I guess.
Seriously, just thinking about this makes my heart POUND and makes me start shaking. I'm terrified. I would pop a Xanax before the first lesson, but that might backfire and make things worse! ;)
Yes, I know I grew up in Florida. And yes, at one time I could swim. But somewhere along the way I became terrified of the water. I was never a very good swimmer to begin with, but I've lost all ability, and it has nothing to do with putting on a swimsuit (which reminds me... I need to go buy one).
Now that I got that out, I'm going to go watch a tear jerker movie and fold laundry while the hubby and kids are at the park. (It's always fun to be left behind so I can do chores!)
Zumba vs. CrossFit
I need to address this before I offend more people.
I made a comment about being "Zumba fit" in a previous post. I am not knocking being Zumba fit. Being able to do Zumba is awesome. It's what got me interested in working out. I love it, given the right instructor.
Zumba is fun. If taught right it's an awesome cardio workout.
CrossFit is fun. It's a different kind of fun. There's no dancing in CrossFit. ;)
CrossFit pushes you. HARD. You do things that you've probably never done before. Despite making some great friends at regular gyms, there's a different kind of camaraderie with CrossFit.
The strength you can build in CF is much different than that you'll do in Zumba. I have the muscles to prove it, too! ;)
I truly believe that as long as you're exercising and having fun, that's what counts. Do I think I'm better than those who do Zumba? Hell no. (My Zumba teacher in TX could still kick my ass!!) I think exercise is extremely important. For ME, I wanted to ramp things up a bit. The Zumba here blows and I thought I'd give CF a try. I fell in love with it (and the people there). I don't think CF is for everyone. I don't think Zumba is for everyone. I do, however, think working out should be for everyone and that each person needs to find what they like best.
I made a comment about being "Zumba fit" in a previous post. I am not knocking being Zumba fit. Being able to do Zumba is awesome. It's what got me interested in working out. I love it, given the right instructor.
Zumba is fun. If taught right it's an awesome cardio workout.
CrossFit is fun. It's a different kind of fun. There's no dancing in CrossFit. ;)
CrossFit pushes you. HARD. You do things that you've probably never done before. Despite making some great friends at regular gyms, there's a different kind of camaraderie with CrossFit.
The strength you can build in CF is much different than that you'll do in Zumba. I have the muscles to prove it, too! ;)
I truly believe that as long as you're exercising and having fun, that's what counts. Do I think I'm better than those who do Zumba? Hell no. (My Zumba teacher in TX could still kick my ass!!) I think exercise is extremely important. For ME, I wanted to ramp things up a bit. The Zumba here blows and I thought I'd give CF a try. I fell in love with it (and the people there). I don't think CF is for everyone. I don't think Zumba is for everyone. I do, however, think working out should be for everyone and that each person needs to find what they like best.
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