Jumping to Conclusions

One day I may look back on this post and think about how trite it is... Kinda like how I look back on my posts from the very beginning. But right now I'm pretty stoked about it, so I don't care.

I've had this huge mental block with box jumps (which is literally jumping on a box). I couldn't jump. I was never athletic growing up. Sure, I liked the bouncy songs in Zumba, but when we're talking JUMPING OFF THE GROUND.. yeah, couldn't do it. That's not a slam against myself.. I really couldn't do it!

I've been working on box jumps for months now (and still have the bruised shins to prove it). With amazing coaches who have been super patient with me, I started out jumping on plates (like the workout plates). I started really low. After a while, I was able to jump higher and higher and able to ALMOST do the 20" for a box jump. Once or twice I got it. But when I stepped in front of the box, I would get stuck.

One of my CrossFit resolutions is to no longer do modified box jumps... to get up on that box each time.

Well by God, I finally fucking did it! On Wednesday I was able to do several after practicing on plates. I was pretty excited, but skeptical since I've been able to do it before (though not nearly as many). I was worried that I would need the plates again. So Thursday morning I gave it a shot and was able to do a real box jump! Again, super excited! But that didn't mean I could do it in a WOD!

I didn't have to wait too long to try... Today we had box jumps in the WOD. Prior to the WOD we had to figure out our max height for them. I got a new personal record of 22"!! (A few weeks ago I did 21"... but it wasn't on a box.) Another of my CrossFit resolutions is 24"... I'd assumed it would be by the end of the year, but that's silly (as long as I keep practicing, anyway).

So a new PR for height AND my first WOD with Rx box jumps! (I did 48 of them!!)

The only problem is that now I need to find something else to focus on clicking!! I've been obsessing about box jumps for so long that it seems weird! And I'll admit it... It seems scary to move on to something else!!

ONWARD!!

Me Eat Food

About 2 weeks ago I decided to change up my diet. I committed myself to a month and would see from there. Some call it a fad diet, and I'm kind of mixed on what I think about it. It goes against a lot of what I learned from Lisa (and just in general growing up). However. It also makes sense. I decided to try it because it eliminates a lot of foods that many people are sensitive to without realizing it.

I make it no secret that I have always had issues with depression. I take two medications each day to help keep it under control. Even that isn't perfect (but you can't expect perfection from a pill). When I began working out, I thought that it would help. It did not. In fact, it kinda made it worse. When I'm tired, I'm more depressed. And I was physically tired ALL.THE.TIME. Having small children won't help, obviously. But there has been more to it than that I've always felt.

I've read that food sensitivities can contribute to depression, as well as bad eating habits in general. I cleaned up my eating but still had to rely on medication. No biggie, I guess. But it sure would be nice to not have to rely on pills to feel normal.

CrossFit is big into the Paleo Diet. It really isn't so much a diet in that it focuses on weight loss. It is about eating clean and eating well. The long and short of it is that you eat what cavemen could eat. Nothing processed. Mainly meats and veggies, with some fruits and nuts thrown in. Sounds simple, right? I figured it wouldn't hurt to give it a shot.

For a few days I felt HORRIBLE. I felt like I was going to throw up constantly. Nothing sounded good to eat. My head was killing me. I was miserable. It got better, but I still felt like crap. Those who I talked to about it promised I'd feel better soon. I realized this week that I've felt SO MUCH better the last few days. I've been playing more with the kids, had more energy, been less grumpy... It's been great. And like I posted yesterday, the scale has finally started liking me again! I've had a splurge here and there, but nothing too crazy. I have never been much of a meat eater, so that has been challenging. But I'm slowly coming around. It's either that or be hungry, so that makes a huge difference! Though since starting CrossFit, I've definitely craved meat a lot more (usually ground).

I still have mixed feelings about it, just because of what all I've learned. But for now it's working for me. It's been fun to try new ways to spice things up in the kitchen. Meals are a little more creative because the same thing gets old fast. The kids think it's kind of weird that I wrap my tacos in lettuce, but other than that, they haven't noticed a difference. Our meals were pretty healthy to begin with, so there hasn't been a huge adjustment for them. Eating out has been a challenge, but I'm learning ways around things... just like I did when I was losing weight before. You just have to get creative!

Hopefully at the end of January I'll still think it's as awesome as I do now!

Jinxing Myself?

I hate posting that I'm doing well with something in fear of those words coming to bite me in the ass. Even if I THINK that I'm doing well, it's been known to happen!

This week, for example. Yesterday morning I had a great workout. I was able to do things better than I had been and it left me feeling super confident. Yesterday evening I went back to the gym. Now, I've been going back in the evenings to work on things since I'm having a hard time with some of the moves clicking. I want to be able to do them right and I want to be able to do them well. And when I can't, it pisses me off. So they're redoing the initial classes you have to take when starting CrossFit and I've been going again in hopes of having things click. Well yesterday, they STILL weren't clicking. I get the concept, but I can't seem to get my body and my mind to work together and do what I'm supposed to!

I left feeling rather defeated, which pissed me off, of course. I went in for Open Gym today and was able to do box jumps that have been taunting me for months!! About an hour after I left, I was all, "HEY! I just did it!! Like, I really did it!!" (Yes, I'm kinda dense sometimes.) Now I just hope that I can continue to do them... I seem to get stuck on them a lot.

On another positive note, I've had several people tell me within the last few days that it looks like I've lost weight. The scale has FINALLY started to go down (after I've changed my eating, of course... which absolutely blows). I'm just ready for my clothes to start fitting better!

I wonder sometimes if I still want to have plastic surgery. My arms and my stomach still REALLY bother me. But since I've started CrossFit, I've been feeling that urge less and less... I don't know what it is exactly. I'm still super self conscious. But I don't necessarily feel that I need to have it done to be confident with myself.

Today is coming to an end and I'm eager to get back to the box tomorrow morning. For a few years now, I've actually looked forward to working out instead of dreading it. But the difference now is that not only do I enjoy what I'm doing, but I'm getting better at things. Sure, I could move a little better in Zumba (err.. a LOT better!) but that's still not a solid skill. Whereas with CrossFit, the things we do are skills that you can measure. Before the only thing I was able to measure was the scale!

I could write a long ass post about why I am so happy that I joined CrossFit, but that will have to wait (mainly because one of the coaches has the link to this blog! Hi, Megan!) No need to get all super mushy and shit! But one day I will write all about the different things that CrossFit (and the coaches there) have taught me in only a few months. And it goes far beyond box jumps and pull ups!

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

There are days when I leave CrossFit feeling confident and days when I leave feeling defeated. I wish I could say today was a confident day.

Today I had a total "fat girl" day while working on learning the very beginning, very basic steps to muscle ups. Hold onto the rings and pull yourself up. Pretty basic, right? My upper body didn't think so. I'm sure I looked like I wasn't trying. (In all honesty, at first I really wasn't. I knew it would be hard, so I didn't bother. But then I gave it a go.)

It goes back to that whole being strong/weak thing. This basic move shouldn't have been so hard. Part of it was my mind. Part of it was I didn't want to look stupid. And part of it was that it really was hard for me.

When I have days like today, I usually allow myself the car ride home for a little pity party. By the time I get home, I'm usually pissed off and am ready to try again. Will I ever be able to do a real muscle up? I cannot say, "Hell yeah I will!" Have you ever seen those things?!? Or tried them?!? I do know that I will bust my ass doing the things that it takes to build my strength up though.

I'm slowly beginning to think of myself as a fighter. If I don't like something, I do my best to change it. If I suck at something, I try harder. I do like to think of myself as a (mostly) nice person, but there's more to me than that. I don't have to be nice all of the time. I don't have to be quiet and sweet. I'm NOT "sugar and spice and everything nice" like my grandmother drilled into my head. (Well, I might take the spice.) Nice isn't going to get me anywhere at the gym. And worrying about not looking stupid and/or failing isn't either.

Knowing Your Target Audience

I have an obsessive personality. I admit that. It's the only way I was able to lose weight. When I care about something new I tend to go overboard in thinking and talking about it.

It has been brought to my attention that people just don't want to hear about my workouts. They don't care what kicked my ass. They don't care how I'm progressing. They don't want to hear about it.

This makes things complicated for me. I get a thrill out of succeeding. I get a thrill out if being able to do something that I never would've dreamed I could.

For 162 hours a week I am a mom. I walk into CFMK (CrossFit Manhattan Kansas) and I am no longer a mom. I'm a chick who wants to succeed. I'm a chick who wants to do things I never imagined I could. And it is exciting.

I leave and I want to talk about it. I want to share my accomplishments. I want to say, "I played with that tractor tire today. My form wasn't the best, I could feel it, but it was fun. I flipped that fucker over so many times and it was AWESOME!"

But no one wants to hear it. So this is where I will let it out. If people read it, great. If not, I got it out of my system a little and that's all I can ask for.

I love CrossFit. Not being able to talk about it sucks, but it won't keep me from going. In all honesty, it will keep me obsessing because the only place I can talk about it or let it out is there. I have read that CF is cult-like. Maybe it is, I dunno. All I know is that I love it. And it will take a lot to keep me away.

Oh. And... I played with that tractor tire today. My form wasn't the best, I could feel it, but it was fun. I flipped that fucker over so many times and it was AWESOME!

A new way of looking at things

Since I started this journey of being healthy and losing weight, I've gone at it at different angles. Back in August I tried yet another different way. CrossFit.

I have absolutely no idea why I thought that I could even do CrossFit at that point in time. It made the bootcamp I did way back when look like it was made for wimps. Yes, I was in way better shape than I used to be, but Zumba and Spinning don't even compare to CrossFit. Then yesterday I came across a blog post that summed it up well when it said, "Sometimes you have to chase who you’re not right now in order to find out who you are. And sometimes who you are is way stronger than you ever realized."

It took months for me to feel like I belonged there. And even now I still have my moments. Looking at my list of resolutions for CrossFit that I made for myself, I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I wrote those down. Definitely not the Jen that the majority of the people in my life know. Am I really strong? I WANT to be. I don't feel that I am. But I so desperately want to be.

That's where CrossFit comes in. The strength that I've built since August is amazing. Physically you can see it, too. I'll be honest.. I don't necessarily care for how it's made me look. But surprisingly, I don't care as much about that as I care about how strong I feel. My desires have changed from being thin to being FIT. Not just Zumba fit, but capable of playing with the big dogs fit.

I am not yet ready to say how much weight I've gained back since I hit my lowest. It scares me and saddens me. I'll admit it, I got slack with my eating. Especially over the Summer From Hell. I guess I've "trimmed down" since starting CF, but the scale has stayed just about the same. BUT! The strength I've built since then is crazy! It's awesome!! It far outweighs the number on the scale.

So my quest has kind of changed. I want to be thinner, yes. But more so, I want to be stronger. While physical strength does not equal mental strength, it damn sure doesn't hurt it!!

As a mother, what is more important? Strength or looks? My children see that I workout every day and it's something that they see as normal for me. They see that I don't complain about my looks and how fat I am. They see that I'm not weak and I believe it makes an impact on them. Again, physical strength doesn't mean mental strength, but they can go hand in hand.

I want my daughter to grow up with the confidence I have always lacked. I want my son to grow up appreciating a woman who has confidence. While this journey is most definitely more for myself than anyone else, it is also for my children. They deserve the best. And by improving myself in all ways possible, I feel like I'm doing what I can to give them that.

As I've been writing this, there's been a loud voice in my head (not REALLY a voice, people) yelling, "But! But!! You're still that girl you've always been! They were right when they told you how lazy you are.. just look, you didn't go to the gym today! And here you are writing this nonsense?? Go step on that scale... Go look at your pictures of that SHORT time you weren't fat!"

Here's the thing... Those thoughts will probably never go away. Too many years with negative thoughts drilled into my head (by myself and others). But. Fuck 'em. I may always be "chunky" and that's ok. But I refuse to be that weak person I once was.

Old pic

This was probably me at my biggest. Not sure exactly when this was, but around 2000-2002. Blah.

On a positive note, I'm feeling more confident this week in how I look. Must be the new weights/toning! Hope it lasts!