Jinxing Myself?

I hate posting that I'm doing well with something in fear of those words coming to bite me in the ass. Even if I THINK that I'm doing well, it's been known to happen!

This week, for example. Yesterday morning I had a great workout. I was able to do things better than I had been and it left me feeling super confident. Yesterday evening I went back to the gym. Now, I've been going back in the evenings to work on things since I'm having a hard time with some of the moves clicking. I want to be able to do them right and I want to be able to do them well. And when I can't, it pisses me off. So they're redoing the initial classes you have to take when starting CrossFit and I've been going again in hopes of having things click. Well yesterday, they STILL weren't clicking. I get the concept, but I can't seem to get my body and my mind to work together and do what I'm supposed to!

I left feeling rather defeated, which pissed me off, of course. I went in for Open Gym today and was able to do box jumps that have been taunting me for months!! About an hour after I left, I was all, "HEY! I just did it!! Like, I really did it!!" (Yes, I'm kinda dense sometimes.) Now I just hope that I can continue to do them... I seem to get stuck on them a lot.

On another positive note, I've had several people tell me within the last few days that it looks like I've lost weight. The scale has FINALLY started to go down (after I've changed my eating, of course... which absolutely blows). I'm just ready for my clothes to start fitting better!

I wonder sometimes if I still want to have plastic surgery. My arms and my stomach still REALLY bother me. But since I've started CrossFit, I've been feeling that urge less and less... I don't know what it is exactly. I'm still super self conscious. But I don't necessarily feel that I need to have it done to be confident with myself.

Today is coming to an end and I'm eager to get back to the box tomorrow morning. For a few years now, I've actually looked forward to working out instead of dreading it. But the difference now is that not only do I enjoy what I'm doing, but I'm getting better at things. Sure, I could move a little better in Zumba (err.. a LOT better!) but that's still not a solid skill. Whereas with CrossFit, the things we do are skills that you can measure. Before the only thing I was able to measure was the scale!

I could write a long ass post about why I am so happy that I joined CrossFit, but that will have to wait (mainly because one of the coaches has the link to this blog! Hi, Megan!) No need to get all super mushy and shit! But one day I will write all about the different things that CrossFit (and the coaches there) have taught me in only a few months. And it goes far beyond box jumps and pull ups!

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

There are days when I leave CrossFit feeling confident and days when I leave feeling defeated. I wish I could say today was a confident day.

Today I had a total "fat girl" day while working on learning the very beginning, very basic steps to muscle ups. Hold onto the rings and pull yourself up. Pretty basic, right? My upper body didn't think so. I'm sure I looked like I wasn't trying. (In all honesty, at first I really wasn't. I knew it would be hard, so I didn't bother. But then I gave it a go.)

It goes back to that whole being strong/weak thing. This basic move shouldn't have been so hard. Part of it was my mind. Part of it was I didn't want to look stupid. And part of it was that it really was hard for me.

When I have days like today, I usually allow myself the car ride home for a little pity party. By the time I get home, I'm usually pissed off and am ready to try again. Will I ever be able to do a real muscle up? I cannot say, "Hell yeah I will!" Have you ever seen those things?!? Or tried them?!? I do know that I will bust my ass doing the things that it takes to build my strength up though.

I'm slowly beginning to think of myself as a fighter. If I don't like something, I do my best to change it. If I suck at something, I try harder. I do like to think of myself as a (mostly) nice person, but there's more to me than that. I don't have to be nice all of the time. I don't have to be quiet and sweet. I'm NOT "sugar and spice and everything nice" like my grandmother drilled into my head. (Well, I might take the spice.) Nice isn't going to get me anywhere at the gym. And worrying about not looking stupid and/or failing isn't either.

Knowing Your Target Audience

I have an obsessive personality. I admit that. It's the only way I was able to lose weight. When I care about something new I tend to go overboard in thinking and talking about it.

It has been brought to my attention that people just don't want to hear about my workouts. They don't care what kicked my ass. They don't care how I'm progressing. They don't want to hear about it.

This makes things complicated for me. I get a thrill out of succeeding. I get a thrill out if being able to do something that I never would've dreamed I could.

For 162 hours a week I am a mom. I walk into CFMK (CrossFit Manhattan Kansas) and I am no longer a mom. I'm a chick who wants to succeed. I'm a chick who wants to do things I never imagined I could. And it is exciting.

I leave and I want to talk about it. I want to share my accomplishments. I want to say, "I played with that tractor tire today. My form wasn't the best, I could feel it, but it was fun. I flipped that fucker over so many times and it was AWESOME!"

But no one wants to hear it. So this is where I will let it out. If people read it, great. If not, I got it out of my system a little and that's all I can ask for.

I love CrossFit. Not being able to talk about it sucks, but it won't keep me from going. In all honesty, it will keep me obsessing because the only place I can talk about it or let it out is there. I have read that CF is cult-like. Maybe it is, I dunno. All I know is that I love it. And it will take a lot to keep me away.

Oh. And... I played with that tractor tire today. My form wasn't the best, I could feel it, but it was fun. I flipped that fucker over so many times and it was AWESOME!

A new way of looking at things

Since I started this journey of being healthy and losing weight, I've gone at it at different angles. Back in August I tried yet another different way. CrossFit.

I have absolutely no idea why I thought that I could even do CrossFit at that point in time. It made the bootcamp I did way back when look like it was made for wimps. Yes, I was in way better shape than I used to be, but Zumba and Spinning don't even compare to CrossFit. Then yesterday I came across a blog post that summed it up well when it said, "Sometimes you have to chase who you’re not right now in order to find out who you are. And sometimes who you are is way stronger than you ever realized."

It took months for me to feel like I belonged there. And even now I still have my moments. Looking at my list of resolutions for CrossFit that I made for myself, I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I wrote those down. Definitely not the Jen that the majority of the people in my life know. Am I really strong? I WANT to be. I don't feel that I am. But I so desperately want to be.

That's where CrossFit comes in. The strength that I've built since August is amazing. Physically you can see it, too. I'll be honest.. I don't necessarily care for how it's made me look. But surprisingly, I don't care as much about that as I care about how strong I feel. My desires have changed from being thin to being FIT. Not just Zumba fit, but capable of playing with the big dogs fit.

I am not yet ready to say how much weight I've gained back since I hit my lowest. It scares me and saddens me. I'll admit it, I got slack with my eating. Especially over the Summer From Hell. I guess I've "trimmed down" since starting CF, but the scale has stayed just about the same. BUT! The strength I've built since then is crazy! It's awesome!! It far outweighs the number on the scale.

So my quest has kind of changed. I want to be thinner, yes. But more so, I want to be stronger. While physical strength does not equal mental strength, it damn sure doesn't hurt it!!

As a mother, what is more important? Strength or looks? My children see that I workout every day and it's something that they see as normal for me. They see that I don't complain about my looks and how fat I am. They see that I'm not weak and I believe it makes an impact on them. Again, physical strength doesn't mean mental strength, but they can go hand in hand.

I want my daughter to grow up with the confidence I have always lacked. I want my son to grow up appreciating a woman who has confidence. While this journey is most definitely more for myself than anyone else, it is also for my children. They deserve the best. And by improving myself in all ways possible, I feel like I'm doing what I can to give them that.

As I've been writing this, there's been a loud voice in my head (not REALLY a voice, people) yelling, "But! But!! You're still that girl you've always been! They were right when they told you how lazy you are.. just look, you didn't go to the gym today! And here you are writing this nonsense?? Go step on that scale... Go look at your pictures of that SHORT time you weren't fat!"

Here's the thing... Those thoughts will probably never go away. Too many years with negative thoughts drilled into my head (by myself and others). But. Fuck 'em. I may always be "chunky" and that's ok. But I refuse to be that weak person I once was.

Old pic

This was probably me at my biggest. Not sure exactly when this was, but around 2000-2002. Blah.

On a positive note, I'm feeling more confident this week in how I look. Must be the new weights/toning! Hope it lasts!

Another new trainer and more weight to lose

Damn those holidays!! And damn that lack of self control.

I have no desire to write about it but just to say that I've gained weight and I have a new trainer. Maybe more later, I dunno.

A year later...

The battle has continued. Over the course of the last year I gained back over 15lbs that I'd lost. I felt like such a failure and couldn't face it. Instead I just ignored it.

In August, I started working with a trainer. He's super expensive, but I like him and he seems good. (Though he's most definitely got the "Valley" mentality and reschedules a lot.) At the beginning of the summer I'd worked with a different trainer, but after we took a trip to see family, he told me that he got a coaching job and would no longer be training (I knew this was a possibility when I started working with him).

On Thursday I have my next weigh in. At the last one, I was down 11lbs. When I first began working with this new trainer, it was determined (by a machine) that I need to lose 30lbs. I think I agree with that, though it's really hard to know what's (pardon for the TMI) excess skin or fat. Either way, I'm still really uncomfortable with my body.

I do plan to have a tummy tuck and my arms done at some point. But right now I want to do everything I can to be as close as possible to where I want to be.

So that's where things stand. I still look in the mirror and I'm surprised at the reflection looking back at me. I wonder if it's similar to how people look at me who haven't seen me since I lost weight. Sometimes I like what I see, sometimes I don't, but I figure that's what most people experience.

I honestly thought that I'd be ok at this point and not have to worry constantly about what I eat. But sadly, that's not the case. Looks like I'm going to continue to have a life long battle with my eating. It's a shame the 2hrs a day I spend at the gym can't counteract what I want to eat!!

Keep a look out for new updates. I forgot how therapeutic this is!!