Restart.

Nine months since I blogged last and I realize that I need to start back up with it.

In September I had my knee scoped to figure out what was going on. I heard it would take about 6mo to get back to normal and that's been pretty true. As I wrote last time, my knee has lots of degeneration and had a torn lateral meniscus, which was fixed. The surgeon "cleaned up" the falling apart cartilage, which left me with not much cushion in my knee. Think pain. Lots of pain.


As posted before, I've gained a lot of weight. Except now it's more. Because, you know, knee surgery kinda leaves you on your ass for quite awhile. Along with my weight increasing, so has my depression. Of course, that leads me to eating more and then my weight going up, then being more depressed... you know where I'm going with this. It's a horrible cycle.

I promised myself yesterday that I'd get back on track, just like I've promised myself several times in the last few months. But it's so very hard when you turn to eating as your comfort. Terrible, I know, but it is what it is.


Looking back, I find it interesting what I titled my blog. I thought I'd be the fat girl who finally made it to no longer being overweight. But I didn't. I'm fat again.

It's most definitely a journey, and not a fun one. I wish I could say I'm not one of those statistics that gets fat again, but alas, it's not true. As with my depression, I'm hoping to fight this and no longer be a fat girl--on the outside at least. It's not that I want to be thin... I think that ship has sailed. I just want to not be fat. I want to be comfortable with how I look and how I feel, but that doesn't mean I have to be thin. It also doesn't mean I have to be what I am now.

On the depression front, I have been seeing a psychiatrist to help figure out my meds. I knew that taking that step would lead to a lot of changing, which could lead to me feeling like shit. And boy was I right! Once things are figured out, I *should* feel better overall. But who knows. I'm not hopeful that I'll ever feel good at this point.

Loaded Question

Back in February, I hurt my knee. My "good" knee. I cut back on exercise little by little and it kept getting worse. Finally, it hurt to walk so I sucked it up and went to the doctor.

One xray and MRI later... I have a torn meniscus, signs of degeneration, a bone spur and signs of arthritis happening. Except that's not where I'm having the pain.

My orthopedic guy said no exercise if it hurts. I've been away from the gym for TWO WEEKS. I got a steroid shot and perhaps it'll feel better by tomorrow when I WILL go and do something.

My ortho guy suggested swimming and when I reminded him he told me that I can't, he suggested water jogging. WATER JOGGING.

While having dinner with friends, one asked WHY I workout. Well! I enjoy it. I need to b/c of family history with obesity, heart disease, etc. He asked if I'm exercising to benefit my health and I keep getting hurt, how is it benefiting my health?

I'm having to swallow a HUGE pill and realize that I might be stuck with a life of water jogging. And I'm not doing so well with that.

I Want To Give Up

For the last month or more I've been sick. Mono, baby! I've had zero energy and took two weeks off from the gym because I just couldn't do it. I've been going again, but I'm super sluggish with my workouts and probably barely burn any calories. The scale has been going up, too. I feel pudgy and jiggly and gross. I've been emotional eating like crazy.

I just want to give up. I know how I can get back on track. I just don't care any more.

Pain In My.....

A few weeks ago, I was offered a chance to work with my old OLY coach again, except it would be more like personal training since I can't do a lot of stuff with weights anymore because of my shoulder.

I was so torn. I LOVED working with my coach and I loved being at the CF gym, but how would it be going back and not being able to do anything that everyone else was doing? What about my friends who aren't really my friends anymore because I left? 

In the end, it was an offer I couldn't refuse. I've pretty much only been doing spinning and while it is a great cardio workout, it's nothing like what I really enjoy. Of course, my limitations make working out like I used to impossible, but I know my coach wouldn't let me do anything to hurt myself, but would push me just the same.

Last weekend was my first time back. I was sore for DAYS. By the time I was walking normally again, it was time to go back. I'll only be going on Saturday and Sunday mornings (there goes my one day to sleep in) but during the week, I'll repeat a workout on my own so I'll get 3 days in.

The discomfort of being back almost a year later was gone by the second day, despite the fact that the gym is now in a totally new location, there are lots of new people I don't know, and it's just not the same as it was. So far, I'm not upset about seeing others do things I cannot, but I know that's going to come soon enough. For now, I'm just happy to be back and happy to get great workouts in, despite being left sooo sore! (Interestingly, my legs are the worst!! I thought they'd be ok since I do so much cycling, but nooooo. OUCH!)

It's crazy to think that it's been almost a year since my surgery. I have days that my shoulder feels fine and days when it hurts. The cold weather makes it ache some days. And I can move just the right way sometimes and it'll be sore for days. A couple of times I didn't realize I couldn't do something and ended up getting hurt, but it is what it is. I try to be careful, but life happens. Hopefully I'll be building the strength back up and it will help. (After I attempted a weights class and ended up in pain for months, I stopped doing weights altogether because I was too scared of hurting myself.)

And my old CF coach was more than happy to have me back, even with the special arrangement. I love her. I feel like I'm back home and like I've never left.

The Big Black Dog

Caffeine: My Loyal Friend

In  the last year, I have gained 25lbs.

There. I said it. Twenty-five pounds. It makes me want to puke just thinking about it.

During one of my therapy sessions, my shrink asked if I've had my thyroid checked lately and I wanted to scream. EVERY new doctor I've ever had wants to test my thyroid. And every time they have, everything has come back perfectly fine and not even close to being an issue. Instead of screaming at her and telling her it wasn't my fucking thyroid, I politely told her that my doctor had checked it last time I had a check up and everything was fine.

Except she didn't check it. Oops.

I have been increasingly tired over the last few months. My hair has been coming out, almost like postpartum hair loss. Yikes. I have my period every 3 weeks still. I sleep like crap. I could go on with everything that could be thyroid related, but let's just say, I've had a lot of symptoms. But each one I could justify happening because of whatever other reason. I'm a mom, of course I'm tired all the time. Right?

So when it came time for my annual checkup, I told the doctor everything. First thing, she said she wants to check my thyroid... and looked and found that we did not last year after all. Sure enough, I get a call later and she wants to start me on a low dose of meds.

I've heard that some people notice the meds working as soon as a few days into it, however, my info said 1-2 weeks. Today was the first day I think I actually notice a little bit of a difference and it's been a week.

I woke up this morning and instead of having my 800 cups of coffee, I had a glass of iced tea and that was it. I accomplished SO MUCH today. I feel like it's been forever since I've gotten that much done! I still hit a wall a couple of times, but definitely wasn't dragging all day like I have been. Granted, I didn't workout today, so that may have had some impact. But I did have a diet coke later in the day because I was dragging. Of course, that's not abnormal at all. I live on caffeine.


Maybe this will be a good thing. I hope this is a good thing.

Waiting Game

Application has been submitted. Personal narrative has been written and submitted. Letters of recommendation are in progress. Now I wait to hear if they think I'll be a good match for the program.

I don't like waiting. I'm nervous. I've already been losing sleep over this.