Trying To Be Invisible

This journey of mine sucks ass. It's so much easier to sit on your ass and be a fat person than it is to make an effort to make yourself better. People who are naturally thin don't realize how much of a struggle life is when you're overweight. But then, I've also known super skinny people who were completely unhealthy because they couldn't GAIN weight. That would suck, too. 

A few months ago, a coach at CF told me that I have douchebag shoulders, basically meaning I slouch. It irritated me big time. Growing up, my grandmother always commented on me standing up straight. Being the defiant little snot that I was, I would either ignore her or sit/stand up straight for a few seconds, at most. Arms folded, shoulders rounded... makes you feel smaller than you really are and almost makes you feel invisible. Of course, at my size there's nothing small about me. But I felt like it made me not seen. 

Now it's just natural for me. My shoulders are curved because of it and I'm always slouching. Yes, I know you look better and thinner if you don't slouch. But all of the insecurities I've had are still there. It's still rare that I feel confident. 

Let's see if I can work on my posture (again) and make it stick this time. Shoulders back get the boobs out and in turn, the pooch is hidden a bit more. You'd think that would be motivation enough.

Freak Out - Complete!

Why the hell am I even thinking about quitting CrossFit?!!? Seriously.. Lack of sleep does some crazy things to your brain!!

I love my husband, but one thing he taught me years ago was that I don't need him to be my own person. It's unfortunate that he's not supportive of CF, but I can't force him to be. I can only do what I need to do for myself.

I'm still unsure about the weightlifting. I meet with my coach this Wednesday then not again until next week (I assume) since he has a meet this weekend. Maybe once we get into a regular routine I'll have a better idea.

As for meeting new people from another gym and forming new relationships... Well, what's life if you don't ever put yourself out there? For way too many years I hid in fear of getting hurt or not being liked or whatever weird reason I thought was important at the time. But looking back, I see that I missed out on some great opportunities.


No one should sit back and watch life go by.

Too Much Thinking Is Not Good

Being left alone with my thoughts isn't always a good thing. Especially in the middle of the night when I'm trying to go back to sleep. Without fail, if I wake up to go to the bathroom, the wheels in my head start turning and it takes forever to fall asleep again.


Tonight I was thinking about CrossFit (surprise!) and what's next for me. There's a possibility of our box merging with another and I don't know what that would mean for everyone I workout with. I would understand if the owner does it, but would be very disappointed. And I'm not sure if I would continue with CF (depending on what the arrangements would be).

I'm an emotional person, I can't deny that. I know I tend to have knee jerk reactions to things, which is why I don't like to make decisions without a lot of thought.

Yesterday was the last CrossFit Open WOD. I had an awesome time. However. I was hoping the husband and kids would be there. When I left the house, I was expecting them to show up later. I was so excited. For my husband to come would've been huge. Except they didn't come. Even writing it now makes me cry. I was so upset and looked like a fool crying in front of people there. I just couldn't stop the tears. I was hoping that for just once he would be supportive and cheer me on for something that was important to me.

So last night, between the bad dreams of being left by my husband, I started thinking more about no longer doing CrossFit. If the whole CFMK family is going to split, do I have it in me to form new bonds with new people? I've heard how the other group doesn't like outsiders and that they're not nearly as supportive as what I'm used to unless it's for each other. Is it true though?

I also don't know what it would mean on the weightlifting front. I'm still uncertain of that as well, though I'm not as discouraged by it as I was. I haven't talked to Coach G since Saturday. I'm sure he's expecting some sort of communication from me when he gets to work today, but I haven't sent him any messages.

Maybe it's time for me to go back to a workout routine that doesn't involve needing the support of anyone. In Zumba, you don't need someone to cheer you on. You don't need a husband to be supportive, except when it comes to paying the gym membership each month. (On a side note... Any time I type a word with -ship in it, I always write -shit. Or even if I'm trying to write ship, apparently I go to shit first. What does that say about my potty mouth?!)

Lots to think about. Any thoughts are welcome.

Lack of Sleep = Sad and Discouraged

I hate change. Like seriously, I hate it. It scares the shit out of me and makes me want to turn and run away. I found out yesterday that Coach J will no longer be at CFMK. It's so sad. :(  I LOVE Coach M and am excited to see her back in the mornings again (her leaving mornings threw me for a major loop), but I will miss Coach J.

As with most of the coaches there, when he tells me I have done well at something, I know it's not bullshit. And today I really needed that, especially from him since he does a lot of Olympic lifting. Today was a weightlifting fundraiser at CFMK and I did it. The biggest girl there and lifted the least weight. Woot!

I felt TERRIBLE about how I did. Not so much the light weight, but that I just didn't do all that well with the clean & jerks. I'm sooo uncomfortable with them!! Not that I'm all that comfortable with the snatch either though.

So the way it worked today was that the person with the lightest weight went first. Moi! Yay! I figured that might happen, but what I didn't realize was that EVERYONE THERE WATCHES YOU! Seriously. All eyes are on the person lifting. I HATE being watched. (I hate a lot of things, don't I?) Everyone has 3 attempts at snatches, then it goes to clean & jerks (3 attempts as well). I was the first to go with that. But what made it worse than with the snatches was that I had a LOT more time to get anxious about it. And I bombed. It sucked.

I got home and told my husband that I do NOT want to do the weightlifting anymore. He told me I can't make that decision just yet because of a bad day. A few hours later and a pep talk from Coach J and I'm feeling better, but still unsure. The whole point of it is improving yourself and your skills. I get that. I really do.

When I started to do the clean and jerks, every cue I usually tell myself beforehand completely left my head. Over and over and over while we were on vacation I reminded myself of these things. Yet when I got there, I blanked. And tanked. And to make matters worse, I feel like I disappointed Coach G. I don't even know if he wants to work with me anymore or not.

Going into this today, my biggest issue was the weigh in. I don't like the scale to begin with, but the day after vacation?? I'm pretty certain that by Monday the scale won't hate me as much as it did today. Nothing like being all bloated and stuff and stepping on the scale. In front of people.
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Tomorrow is the last CrossFit Open workout. I'm feeling less than positive about that as well (not because of today, though that doesn't help). I'm sure I'll be the only one modifying. But at least I'm doing it, right?

What I need is a good night of sleep. I'm beat. I'm sure it'll help my body as well as my spirits. When I'm tired, I feel more sad and discouraged than normal. I recognize that, but it doesn't make me feel less sad about things. I have been so exhausted that I really don't even feel like I fit at CFMK anymore!! And that's a load of hooey (I think).

So here's to lots of sleep for me tonight!!

Phenomenal Cosmic Power, Itty Bitty Workout Space

No space to workout while you're on vacation?? Hmmmm... Below is a pic of where I had to do my 100 squats, 100 sit ups and 50 push ups. If I had been smart I would've put the suitcase under the sink (which I'll do for tomorrow), but alas, I wasn't.

I was wedged in there pretty tight, but I made it work. And I also set the alarm for 6am to get it done. With as poorly as I'm eating while we're on vacation, it's the least I can do to get this in!

How's the Weather?

We leave today for Disney and I've been stressing out for days about not working out while we're gone. The hubs gave his "approval" for me to work on my swimming, so I'll be doing that. I plan on getting some squats, sit ups, push ups, etc. in each day, too. Not sure how well that's going to go over, but whatever. If everyone is sitting around watching TV, it shouldn't be a big deal, right? One would think, anyway. But I know better.

Yesterday I had the longest conversation with a friend about Olympic weightlifting. It was awesome. I've never discussed it with anyone (outside of the gym) for that long. Typically when I'm having a conversation with someone about working out (and now lifting) it goes something like this:

Person: So what's been going on with you?
Me: The kids, blah blah blah.
Person: What about YOU though?
Me: Well, CrossFit blah blah...
Person: Uhhhh...
Me: And I've started doing weight lifting.
Person: Uhhh.. Bet you're getting big muscles. So how's the weather there???


That's an exaggeration for some, not so much for others. But yesterday... Yesterday my friend actually asked what exactly I'm doing with the weight lifting. I gave her my generic response and she persisted. The questions kept coming. It was awesome. I wish that people would realize that if I choose to tell them something, it's because it is important to me.

I love talking about working out. And my kids. I could talk about the kids and working out all day if you'd let me. The kid thing is covered... Tends to happen when most of your friends are mothers. But talking about working out, not so much.

So anyway! If I post anything in the next week it will be from my phone and short. I'm sure at some point I'll come across a thought that I'll need to get out. Right now though I have to hit the box one last time before we leave in a few hours!!

Ch-ch-changes

I'll give fair warning that this post contains a pic that shows a bit of my bare stomach.

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Nice, huh?? If only that was my stomach.


Anyway. So. I was trying clothes on today and getting really discouraged because my shorts from last summer (which fit just fine then) don't fit now. I grabbed a pair of capris that I bought in September and tried them on. Fresh out of the dryer they used to fit nicely, but always loosened up. Here is a pic of them fresh out of the wash today. I tried my best to cover my stomach as much as possible. No one needs to see that mess.

Sexy blue panties, huh?

Obviously these aren't going to Disney with us. I have to make an evening run to the mall to find something that fits. ACK! I finally found jeans, but it's going to be friggin hot as hell, so that's out. Unless I want to wear gym clothes the whole time, I need to go shopping. I hate clothes shopping.