It's very frustrating for me that I get discouraged so easily. A certain look or something small someone says can make me change from confident to discouraged way too quickly. It isn't so much that I'm looking for someone to constantly tell me how good I am because I'm definitely not. That shit annoys me. But knowing I've disappointed someone or that something significant to me is blown off by another makes it hard for me to stay positive. Should I care what others think? Probably not. But I do. I try not to, but I do.
If you were to ask me what my worst fear is (aside from something happening to my family) I'd be quick to tell you that it's not being able to breathe, which explains why the whole swimming thing is a huge struggle for me! On Monday when I was able to swim 4 laps completely unassisted, it was HUGE for me. HUGE. I was so friggin excited that I actually texted my coaches and told them -- Coach M because she's the one who got me to thinking this was a good idea and Coach G because he's never really gotten to see that side of me since I'm usually pretty hard on myself (I did not just admit that).
Obviously it was something I wanted to share with my husband, too. He seemed happy for me -- for a split second. Like, literally. The word "awesome!" came out of his mouth and then he was telling me we needed milk in the same breath.
I really hate sounding like a man/husband hater because I'm not. I love my husband. And I even like him (most of the time)! But when it comes to working out and exercise stuff, we just can't seem to find middle ground and it makes me sad. His lack of enthusiasm hurt and instantly I was over being excited. Less than 30min and the high was gone. Kind of a bummer because that high is such a great feeling.
Like any other hard part of life, this is a puzzle that I need to figure out how to solve. Well, puzzles -- my husband's lack of interest in something important to me (and how to handle it) and my issue with letting what others think/say/do get to me too easily.
On the workout front: I did the Open WOD 12.3 yesterday. I did an OK job. I could've done better, but I did it, which included 90 box jumps (not consecutive)!! I didn't bust my face or shins either! (The WOD was 18 minutes, as many rounds as possible: 15 box jumps, 12 push presses, 9 toes to bar, which I modified to basically a weird sit up. I got in 201 total reps! I won't mention how light I went on the push presses, m'kay?)
Today I met with Coach G for some weightlifting fun. I didn't leave feeling discouraged, which is a positive! I wouldn't say I feel great about it, but not feeling like it was pointless was nice! My mind is already turning to all the negative thoughts about the session, so I'm just not going to write more about it and go focus on something else! We meet again tomorrow, which is probably going to be my last workout before Disney. We're meeting in the evening so depending on how tired I am, I may or may not make it to class the next morning before we leave. I'm trying very hard to be more sensible about my workouts right now. I REALLY want to go to the morning WOD before meeting him tomorrow night, but I'm not. I just hope I'm not too tired to go Friday.
My face is still bruised, but it's on the mend.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Accomplishment
Tonight I swam 100yds. Completely unassisted. I did take a short breather at the end of each lap, but I did it.
My high is already gone less than half an hour later thanks to the response of my husband. But I felt like I should post it here.
So yeah. A few lessons in and I'm completely on my own. Something to feel accomplished about, I guess.
A Little of This, A Little of That
Exciting stuff going on in our house this week!! First off, we're buying a house!! We found a house over the weekend that we liked, made and offer blah blah blah and now we're under contract! WOO HOO!!
I'll be honest... I was hoping that at this point in our lives we'd be able to have a nice house than what we're getting. There's nothing wrong with it, it's just a modest house. But with our house in FL still ours. While it's rented out, it's still an expense we have. Sucks. I like the house though. I don't see it as our forever house, but can see us being in it for a long time.
We actually won't move until this summer. They needed a June possession, which is PERFECT for us since our lease ends in July. The inspection will be sometime this week. Fingers crossed that it all comes out ok!!
ALSO!! Friday we leave for Disney!! I realize that by posting it publicly we're announcing that our house will be vacant. But it won't. So there.
I'm friggin STOKED. I don't know who is more excited.. me or the kids! I do have to admit.. I'm scared of what the pictures are going to look like compared to what they were last time we went a few years ago. I wasn't quite at my goal weight then, but I know I've gained back weight now.. I hope I don't look too chunky.
We'll be gone for a week, which means a week off from working out. I don't care what anyone says, while we'll be walking around all day every day that we're there, it's not a workout. Last time we were there I gained 2lbs. I'm still surprised that was all! I have no intentions of being strict with my diet while we're there this time either. That scares me. But I want to enjoy our first vacation since the last time we went 3 years ago. (Seeing family doesn't count because that's just not a vacation.) I might have to take my running shoes though...
Yesterday was the CrossFit Open WOD 12.3. I went unsure of whether or not I'd do it. I didn't. No one was scaling and I was so intimidated. Plus, after my face plant the other day, I'm nervous to jump. Not so much that I won't ever do it, but not in front of so many people. I was very disappointed that I chickened out, but looking back, I'd probably choose the same decision again. Next year I won't be able to play the newbie card, so I'll do it while I can! Ha!
BUT. I'm actually going to do the workout tomorrow. Super awesome Coach M is coming in to let me do it. I'm nervous, but when I busted my face the other day it was in front of her. So no worries on that front. I'm just nervous about doing it, period!!
Here's a pic of my face from yesterday. I kinda like the green color part of the bruise! I was planning on getting my eyebrows done before our trip, but I'm not so sure anymore. Ouch.
Oh. If I hear ONE MORE TIME that I'm too hard on myself, I'm going to SCREAM. Loudly!
Friday, March 9, 2012
You've Gotta Fight For The Right
Since I've been on my journey for losing weight and being fit, I've come across many types of people... some who are accepting of me no matter what, some who aren't accepting at all and some who I win over after they get to know me.
I always have mixed feelings when I win someone over. If it's one thing you can say about me it's that I'm determined in what I do. I may be a chunky butt, but I'll be damned if I won't give it my all. Yes, I get discouraged. And yes, I know I'm not great. But when it comes to challenges, I'll face them head on -- with attitude. I like that I can win people over, but it's also kind of sucky that they don't just like me at first. (But then, I fully admit that I don't always like someone at first either.)
I woke up this morning and looked at today's WOD. In my plan for the next week, today was supposed to be my rest day. But yesterday I forgot to reset my alarm and didn't wake up. Yesterday would've been MUCH easier than today, though to be perfectly honest, I probably would've gone in today just to give it a shot.
800M Run
70x Air Squats
60x Sit Ups
50x KB Swings (55/35#)
40x Push Ups
30x Overhead KB Walking Lunges (15R/15L)
20x Broad Jumps (8/6 Foot)
10x Burpees
OK, so I didn't do overhead walking lunges. I just hung on dearly to that kettlebell and did my lunges. And my jumps... Let's be real. I can't jump 6ft. I can barely do 4ft. But that's about what I did. I ran the 800m in 5:12 and did the whole thing in 22:40. Not shabby for a fat girl. And I was only about a minute or minute and a half behind the others. (I realize that's a big gap, but whatever. I am comfortable with how I did! And there were only 4 of us.)
Today I realized that I've won over one of the people in the morning class. It didn't happen today, I just realized it today. During the run I got a "Good job" (everyone knows how I struggle with running and how much I LOATHE it... I'm quite verbal about it). Gotta admit that it made me feel all warm and fuzzy, as did the words of encouragement later on after this person had finished (LONG before me).
If it's one thing I'm very aware of, it's how people perceive me. I do not appear to be a "fit" person to someone walking down the street. Hell, I don't appear to be a "fit" person to someone who walks into the CrossFit gym. I am fully aware of the judgment I see in the eyes of others when they first meet me or find out that I do, in fact, workout. It isn't just now.. Here in Kansas. It's been something I've noticed since I started this journey. (And, of course, when I was way overweight, I noticed that people thought of me differently as well.)
I admit that I am a judgmental person. I try very hard not to be, mostly because I've found that every single thing I have judged others for has come back to bite me in the ass one way or another. That and I know how badly it stings to be judged.
In the fitness world, there is sooooo much judging of others, especially those not into working out. You hear many trainers say how they love helping people who really want to be helped. But how many of those people are they really willing to give an honest to goodness chance to change? I can go down the list of trainers who I've had and tell you exactly the ones who are great at what they do and the ones who seriously need to rethink what they're doing. While I understand that they may not be won over by someone right away and realize that they really do intend to change, each and every person needs to be given the benefit of the doubt when they go into making a life change such as losing weight and becoming healthy.
Before I met Lisa, I had tried many times to lose weight. I'd tried working with trainers, I'd tried doing it on my own. But each and every time I failed. As if it isn't hard enough to face those fears, each time I failed made it harder to start again the next time. But Lisa... Lisa is the type of trainer EVERY trainer should be. I won't lie and say that I never saw disappointed or disapproving looks from her. I did. She's human. But as long as I kept at it, she was with me all the way... She was with me before I ever REALLY made the commitment to change. I remember asking her when she realized that I was in it for the real deal and she knew right when it was -- and it wasn't a time that I would've told you was "it" for me... It was way before I realized it myself. And because I love her so much, here's a picture of us when she ran my first 5K with me (despite a 5K being chump change for her):
And because we're all sweaty and gross there, here's a cute pic of us together back when I was skinny (the drunk ones will not be posted):
It's hard for me to see trainers who look down their noses at overweight people and say they want to help those who really want to change. Every single person who starts out trying to lose weight -- even if it's just walking -- really intends to give it their all.
I've often wondered what it takes to be a good trainer. Obviously by nature some people are more accepting and patient, but that's rare. Is it personal experience they bring to the table? I know with Lisa that was part of it. I know with the first trainer I ever had it was that she had zero personal experience. That and she was a total judgmental bitch who scared me off from working out for years to come. (Yes, I have Lisa up on a pedestal -- when it comes to being a trainer. As a person, she's just like the rest of us. That's why I love her.) I'm not really sure what it takes, but I'm thankful for the good ones out there. And the others... hopefully one day they'll realize the harm they're causing by judging others before truly giving them a chance.
I always have mixed feelings when I win someone over. If it's one thing you can say about me it's that I'm determined in what I do. I may be a chunky butt, but I'll be damned if I won't give it my all. Yes, I get discouraged. And yes, I know I'm not great. But when it comes to challenges, I'll face them head on -- with attitude. I like that I can win people over, but it's also kind of sucky that they don't just like me at first. (But then, I fully admit that I don't always like someone at first either.)
I woke up this morning and looked at today's WOD. In my plan for the next week, today was supposed to be my rest day. But yesterday I forgot to reset my alarm and didn't wake up. Yesterday would've been MUCH easier than today, though to be perfectly honest, I probably would've gone in today just to give it a shot.
800M Run
70x Air Squats
60x Sit Ups
50x KB Swings (55/35#)
40x Push Ups
30x Overhead KB Walking Lunges (15R/15L)
20x Broad Jumps (8/6 Foot)
10x Burpees
OK, so I didn't do overhead walking lunges. I just hung on dearly to that kettlebell and did my lunges. And my jumps... Let's be real. I can't jump 6ft. I can barely do 4ft. But that's about what I did. I ran the 800m in 5:12 and did the whole thing in 22:40. Not shabby for a fat girl. And I was only about a minute or minute and a half behind the others. (I realize that's a big gap, but whatever. I am comfortable with how I did! And there were only 4 of us.)
Today I realized that I've won over one of the people in the morning class. It didn't happen today, I just realized it today. During the run I got a "Good job" (everyone knows how I struggle with running and how much I LOATHE it... I'm quite verbal about it). Gotta admit that it made me feel all warm and fuzzy, as did the words of encouragement later on after this person had finished (LONG before me).
If it's one thing I'm very aware of, it's how people perceive me. I do not appear to be a "fit" person to someone walking down the street. Hell, I don't appear to be a "fit" person to someone who walks into the CrossFit gym. I am fully aware of the judgment I see in the eyes of others when they first meet me or find out that I do, in fact, workout. It isn't just now.. Here in Kansas. It's been something I've noticed since I started this journey. (And, of course, when I was way overweight, I noticed that people thought of me differently as well.)
I admit that I am a judgmental person. I try very hard not to be, mostly because I've found that every single thing I have judged others for has come back to bite me in the ass one way or another. That and I know how badly it stings to be judged.
In the fitness world, there is sooooo much judging of others, especially those not into working out. You hear many trainers say how they love helping people who really want to be helped. But how many of those people are they really willing to give an honest to goodness chance to change? I can go down the list of trainers who I've had and tell you exactly the ones who are great at what they do and the ones who seriously need to rethink what they're doing. While I understand that they may not be won over by someone right away and realize that they really do intend to change, each and every person needs to be given the benefit of the doubt when they go into making a life change such as losing weight and becoming healthy.
Before I met Lisa, I had tried many times to lose weight. I'd tried working with trainers, I'd tried doing it on my own. But each and every time I failed. As if it isn't hard enough to face those fears, each time I failed made it harder to start again the next time. But Lisa... Lisa is the type of trainer EVERY trainer should be. I won't lie and say that I never saw disappointed or disapproving looks from her. I did. She's human. But as long as I kept at it, she was with me all the way... She was with me before I ever REALLY made the commitment to change. I remember asking her when she realized that I was in it for the real deal and she knew right when it was -- and it wasn't a time that I would've told you was "it" for me... It was way before I realized it myself. And because I love her so much, here's a picture of us when she ran my first 5K with me (despite a 5K being chump change for her):
And because we're all sweaty and gross there, here's a cute pic of us together back when I was skinny (the drunk ones will not be posted):
It's hard for me to see trainers who look down their noses at overweight people and say they want to help those who really want to change. Every single person who starts out trying to lose weight -- even if it's just walking -- really intends to give it their all.
I've often wondered what it takes to be a good trainer. Obviously by nature some people are more accepting and patient, but that's rare. Is it personal experience they bring to the table? I know with Lisa that was part of it. I know with the first trainer I ever had it was that she had zero personal experience. That and she was a total judgmental bitch who scared me off from working out for years to come. (Yes, I have Lisa up on a pedestal -- when it comes to being a trainer. As a person, she's just like the rest of us. That's why I love her.) I'm not really sure what it takes, but I'm thankful for the good ones out there. And the others... hopefully one day they'll realize the harm they're causing by judging others before truly giving them a chance.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Raw Steak Anyone?
I'm looking less like a battered wife today, thank goodness. Wearing my hair down helps. Looking at me straight on it's hard to see, I think. I DO have concealer over it though, so it helps a little. These were taken about 5min ago.
I have this horrible problem with trying to get better at things. I go in every Wednesday to work on stuff I suck at.. lately it's been pull ups, but yesterday I did some jumping stuff, too. I have finally been able to do box jumps, but I still don't do them well. I jump... THUNK. Everyone else is all fancy and just kinda bounces up and down like it's the easiest thing in the world. So yesterday I was working on the rebound. And... well... I guess I tripped or something because the next thing I knew I was face planted into the floor and Coach M was running for an ice pack.
I think it's kind of funny. You know, since I didn't get hurt badly or anything. And since I don't look like Quasimoto. It takes serious grace to be able to pull off something like that!
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty...
Thanks to Beakman's World, we learned that the face has more blood vessels than any other part of the body which makes it heal more quickly. Here's hoping.
Pure Selfishness
This morning I had a bad weightlifting session. Things just weren't clicking and I wasn't doing well AT ALL. As I left, I cranked the radio in the car and sped home, completely frustrated and angry about it all. I even posted a status on Facebook about how it was going to be an angry music kind of day.
And then my friend responds. And then she IMs and asks what was wrong. My friend... who is facing the possibility of cancer... and is having to have her ovaries removed... ASKING ABOUT ME. Seriously?!? What the fuck?!?
How fucking ridiculous is it that I'm upset over a fucking weightlifting session that didn't go perfectly?? There are so many bigger issues that others have to face and here I am worrying about not being able to do a good snatch at fucking 6 o'clock in the morning.
I was almost in tears over my workout this morning... And now I'm in tears about my friend and what an amazing person she is and why she has to go through all of this. Life is unfair.
And then my friend responds. And then she IMs and asks what was wrong. My friend... who is facing the possibility of cancer... and is having to have her ovaries removed... ASKING ABOUT ME. Seriously?!? What the fuck?!?
How fucking ridiculous is it that I'm upset over a fucking weightlifting session that didn't go perfectly?? There are so many bigger issues that others have to face and here I am worrying about not being able to do a good snatch at fucking 6 o'clock in the morning.
I was almost in tears over my workout this morning... And now I'm in tears about my friend and what an amazing person she is and why she has to go through all of this. Life is unfair.
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