I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty...

Thanks to Beakman's World, we learned that the face has more blood vessels than any other part of the body which makes it heal more quickly. Here's hoping.

Pure Selfishness

This morning I had a bad weightlifting session. Things just weren't clicking and I wasn't doing well AT ALL. As I left, I cranked the radio in the car and sped home, completely frustrated and angry about it all. I even posted a status on Facebook about how it was going to be an angry music kind of day.

And then my friend responds. And then she IMs and asks what was wrong. My friend... who is facing the possibility of cancer... and is having to have her ovaries removed... ASKING ABOUT ME. Seriously?!? What the fuck?!?

How fucking ridiculous is it that I'm upset over a fucking weightlifting session that didn't go perfectly?? There are so many bigger issues that others have to face and here I am worrying about not being able to do a good snatch at fucking 6 o'clock in the morning.

I was almost in tears over my workout this morning... And now I'm in tears about my friend and what an amazing person she is and why she has to go through all of this. Life is unfair.

If You Can't Beat 'Em...

Tonight during bedtime cuddles, the kids got a major case of the giggles. They were already late to bed (dance night for Brynn always means a late dinner) and I was getting frustrated.

The Boy says to me in a soft but serious voice, obviously struggling to control his laughter, "Mommy, what if we CAN'T STOP laughing?"

Instantly I thought of times when I was a kid (or even adult) that no matter what was said, or sometimes not said, it was freaking hilarious. And no threats of punishment could stop those giggles from escaping. As I was about to explain that it happens to everyone from time to time, The Girl burst into giggles, followed by The Boy .... and really, when children laugh it can be extremely contagious.

I tried to maintain my composure. I really did. I tried to think of ways to get them to shut the hell up. But I lost it. And for several minutes, the three of us laughed and laughed and laughed at absolutely nothing. It was awesome.

Too often I let the frustrations of day to day life get in the way of having fun with my kids. This afternoon had been a stressful one full of fighting and fits. I did not feel like laughing. I wanted them in bed--asleep! But those laughs... those kids have the best laughs. It made those hours of frustration a distant memory. And as my husband got them water after the laugh fest, he commented on the looks of sheer joy on each of the kids' faces.

Sometimes being a mom sucks, I won't lie. But moments like that simply wipe the crappy stuff away.

A Visual

Today I got a PR (personal record) at CrossFit!! I'm f-ing STOKED about it!!

My only disappointment was that I didn't really have anyone to share the excitement with me. Since I've been able to do real box jumps, people are all "yeah, you got it.. what's the big deal?" How dare they have that faith in me! Sheesh!!

I wasn't able to get up on the 24" box today.  I'm waiting until an acceptable hour to text Coach M since she doesn't do the morning classes anymore.

This is a pic of the height I started with a few months ago and where I got today (23.5") 

(Yes, I realize this is pretty spastic. But that's me right now!!)

I Could Talk About CrossFit All Day!

Yesterday, someone from the Kinesiology Department at K-State came to CFMK for a focus group for a study they're doing. This particular component of the study focused on the CrossFit community. I am very opinionated about CF and obviously LOVE it. But I really didn't have it in my to answer some of the questions in front of everyone. Despite that most people there know my struggles, saying things out loud in a group is a hard thing for me to do! I talked to the person conducting the research before everything started and got the OK from her to email my responses.

SO! I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to do my "Why I Love CrossFit" post! Below are some of the questions and answers... I fleshed out and edited some of the answers a bit for y'all!

How did you start CF? How did you hear about it? 

When I found out we were moving to Kansas, I looked up gyms in the area. There was nothing like what I was used to so I started googling to find what there was. I was looking for bootcamp style workouts and came across CF. Later I found that some family friends were into CF. Once we moved here, a big gym had opened. Since I really liked spinning and Zumba and working with a personal trainer, I checked it out. I quickly found out that the Zumba sucked and wasn't pleased with how I was spoken to when trying to find a trainer. I'm not skinny and never will be. But having spent the last 3 years working out 2+ hours daily, I wanted a good workout. I like intense workouts and felt I was snubbed when I asked for an intense trainer. So I walked out and contacted CFMK that same day, not realizing that it wasn't exactly what I was expecting!

What did you expect to learn?

I didn't really go into it thinking I would learn anything. I expected a good workout. Maybe learn to do things better (form, etc.) but going into it I wasn't thinking of it as a learning experience. 

Why did you keep going to CF? 

I told myself that I'd do it for 6 months. After that, if I didn't like it, I could be done. I was TERRIBLE at everything, yet everyone acted like I was awesome -- all because I was trying. I'd never experienced that before. Even with the trainers I'd worked with previously, I would get discouraging looks when I couldn't do something. But the coaches and people in my classes at CFMK just cheered me on, telling me that I COULD do it, and if I really truly couldn't, they'd find something else for me and I'd be cheered on for that. It pissed me off that I couldn't do what everyone else could and I didn't want to disappoint myself or everyone else at CFMK.

What do you like most? 

The camaraderie and challenges of the workouts. The acceptance. The people. The atmosphere. The attitude. 

What would you change about CF? 

I wish that in CF would not focus on the successes of the skinny people, but show the thicker people as well. Everyone portrayed is skinny (and yes, I understand that athletes are typically thin) or you see stories about how CF has helped people lose weight. But what you don't see is those men and women who are very fit, but are just plain thick.. I don't mean fat, but built very solidly and are in great shape.

Why do people quit CF?

By what I've seen... 1 - Money. 2 - They don't give it a real chance. 3 - They get discouraged. 4 - They want to focus on something else (Olympic lifting is the one thing I've seen).  I think that when people get discouraged, they don't seek out help, they just run and don't look back. I've come close to quitting many times, but I knew I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if I did, so I leaned on my friends/coaches. And posted lots of whiny blog posts!

What physical changes have you seen? 

Tons more strength. Bigger muscles. Less chub (though I've gone up in pants sizes). My body shape has changed. I feel thicker now, for sure. 

What injuries have you experienced?

I've had some sensitivity in my shoulder, but it's been there for awhile. CF has just exaggerated it. The coaches have been working with me on getting my upper body stronger as a result. I did sprain my ankle running TO CF once though! If anything, I've found that my aches and pains have improved dramatically. My knees don't hurt anymore. My back doesn't hurt. Except for my shoulder, my body has never felt better.

How has your self perception changed? 

This is a tough area for me. Self loathing is something that isn't new to me, but doing CF took it to a whole new level. For months, I would leave WODs frustrated and crying because I sucked so badly at everything. I spent years being the fat girl and had gotten beyond that, only to be right back at being that again. Everything was hard for me and that's no exaggeration. I hated myself because I couldn't do these things that everyone else could (despite knowing that they'd had plenty of athletic experience throughout their lives, unlike me). I hated how my body was changing. My scale was going up. My clothes were getting tighter. Everything I'd been working for seemed like it was slipping away. People would say they could see a change, but that scale wasn't showing it. And everyone always says that if the scale doesn't, then go by how your clothes are fitting. That wasn't working either.

Gradually it's gotten better. I'm seeing improvement on things that I could never EVER do before. Like box jumps! I'm proud of myself for fighting to be able to do things (better) than I could months ago. Everyone tells me I'm too hard on myself. And they're right to an extent. But that drives me to keep wanting to do better. I'm not always last anymore and that means a lot to me because I've busted my ass working on things so that I can get better. 

How do others in your life regard your CF participation?

My husband hates for me to talk about anything CF related (but has always been opposed to me quitting). My friends think I'm a bad ass, not realizing that I'm not that good. It's true. I'm really not that good. And I don't want any of that positive bullshit about how at least I keep doing it!!

What are your CF related goals? How did you set those goals?

I made a CF Resolutions list and emailed it to Megan. She worked with me on putting timeframes around each thing. My list is LONG. Box jumps. ONE unassisted pull up. Just one. Just that chin over that bar ONE time. Handstand (with the wall is fine but 100% on my own). Double under. L-sit. Paralette jumps. Push ups (no bands or knees). Rope climb. I have nightmares of elementary school and not being able to do these. I just want a short amount off the ground, I'm not asking for much!) Pistols. Improve form for Oly lifts. Improve time for certain WODs.  (Since making that list, I've been doing box jumps, paralette jumps, improved time on some WODs and been working on the others. And been working the the Oly coach.)

During a WOD, what do you focus on?

It depends on the day. Some days it's to not finish last. Some days it's to just get my reps in and not cheat. Some days it's to not collapse. Once it was to not run out the door and never come back. It greatly depends on the WOD. Lately, I've been focusing more on form than on time. 

How do you rate your CF abilities?

POOR!! They're still very much novice. 

How would you describe the culture?

I never in a million years thought that people who were so fit could be so accepting of someone who wasn't like them. The culture is amazing. Everyone is so supportive of each other. Over Christmas I went to an affiliate in SLC while visiting family. I was completely intimidated but all of the coaches (and the owner... Tommy Hackenbruck) were amazing. Just like at CFMK, as long as you bust your ass and do your best, you're golden in their eyes. It doesn't matter if you have to modify, it only matters that you give it your all. I'd always been told that, but had never experienced people who practiced that way of thinking. At UTE CrossFit, it helped me learn more how wonderful and supportive the culture is. Had I known who Hackenbruck was prior to visiting, I wouldn't have gone there. I'm very glad I didn't know because it gave me a more powerful acceptance of CF because here these people were (who had no idea of my downfalls or experiences) cheering me on like I was a champ. Sure, the people at CFMK did it, too... But I thought maybe I'd just found a golden nugget that I'd never find again (though I still believe that to be true). 

Another thing I've experienced with the culture is that it's very protective. Not just of CF in general, but of each other. In one instance, I was struggling with jumps when a new person came to cheer me on. She wasn't doing anything wrong, but she was new and a bit intense. Immediately one of the guys jumped in and essentially told her to back off and that I had it. It felt like a big brother putting his arm around me and protecting me. It coming from someone who I never expected it from made it that much more powerful.

I'm hesitant to post this along with the full thoughts behind it, mostly because I know it'll make me tear up. But here goes. It took me a long time to feel like I "belonged" at CFMK enough to buy and wear their t-shirts. (Nevermind the fact that people who don't even go there buy them and wear them.) I felt like I would embarrass them if people saw me wearing their stuff. But eventually, I got over that. Over the holidays, the coaches got hoodies. Boy did everyone want one!! So Coach M told us if we brought one in, she could have it printed for us. I looked and looked and looked for a sweatshirt I'd like and took it to her. She asked what I wanted on it and I told her that she could decide... it was whatever she wanted to be seen around town. 

When I got the sweatshirt back, I almost cried (well, I did later). It's a dark gray color and everything on it is pink (because she knows I love pink). The hood has a kettlebell and my name. The inside of the hood... This is where it gets me most... Has "No Positive Bullshit" inside it. Oh shit... here come the tears! And pics that wouldn't cooperate and line up all nice and pretty:

Front

Back

       

Outside Hood.

Inside Hood

She personalized it to ME. And threw in one of those "inside joke" things that makes people feel like they're extra special. And yes, it made me feel extra, extra special. Hell, when my husband saw it, I think it finally hit him that I DO fit in there. He was impressed, though he'd never say it. Either that or he was annoyed. Which could be possible since he's a money freak and I'm sure he was wondering how much I paid! or both.

What is unique about CF vs regular gyms?

The atmosphere is different in that, as I said before, as long as you're busting your ass, you're awesome. In a regular gym, no one even notices unless it's to notice if you've slimmed down or gained a few pounds. In Zumba, no one ever says to you, "your dancing is great!" Or in spinning, "great job on increasing that tension!" Or in weights classes, "way to go with moving up from 5lbs to 8lbs!" In CF, everyone is focused on themselves AND others. In regular gyms, people are only focused on themselves. Everyone likes to feel like they're noticed. At CF, you're always noticed (even if you try to hide in a corner like I do.. though that damn Coach J makes me get out of my corner now!!)

Anything else?

I didn't expect CF to be a mental workout as well as a physical. Losing weight had it's own mental challenges. But starting CF made me face so many new challenges (physically and mentally). I've cried through a WOD. I've cried after several. I've cried before in anticipation of what was coming up (I check the website each morning before going in... but even though I check it, it has no impact on whether or not I will go). I've taken Coach M aside and bawled. I've cried so many more tears over the last few months than I have in years. For me, it's become more than just a workout. I CARE about how well I do/improve. I've never cared so much about working out despite working out consistently for a few years now. I can't explain WHY I care, but I do. I desperately want to be better. It infuriates me that I cannot do things that I think I should be able to and I'll be damned if I don't do what I can to do those things!

I know some of my answers may not seem all "GO CROSSFIT" but I love it so much and hope I've portrayed that. Over spring break we're heading to Disney for a week and it makes me anxious!! It's that whole addiction thing... It gives me the shakes just thinking about missing! (And yes, I'm pathetic enough that I Googled to see if there was a CF near Disney World that I could get to easily. Alas, the closest is a bit far since we won't have a car. It still baffles me that there's such a lack of exercise stuff at Disney. I know I'd spend the money to get a workout in!)




****Something I didn't say, but I hope is implied... For everything that I've felt the other CrossFitters have felt for me, I've felt the same--and maybe more. That protectiveness... Damn straight. I tend to find myself wanting to mother everyone, but resist because I know they need pushing, not comfort. Though I think I've done a bit of that, too. For Christmas, I made Coach M a felted kettlebell with the CFMK devil face on it. And for everyone else, I made barbells. You know I love people when I make them things! 

Frustrated and Discouraged

Well, here we go again. I guess it's about time for a whiny post about how badly I suck.

Today there was an Olympic Weightlifting Seminar at CFMK and I went. If it's one thing I've learned already about the snatch and clean & jerk (go ahead.. I know you want to snicker) it's that repeated practice (in good form) is the key. I was doing ok with the snatches. Not great, but ok. After an hour and a half of that, it was time for the clean & jerks. On a good day, I struggle with the clean so after being tired of doing snatches, I got discouraged quickly. And the jerk. UGH. My shoulder has been bothering me, so I was really hesitant when I did them. All in all, I guess the practice was good, but I feel like I didn't do well at all. Plus, I felt like since I've been working with the other coach, everyone there was watching me differently when it was my turn.

I wonder if I will ever believe that I'm an "athlete" or whatever. If you make me miss a day of exercise, I go crazy. I do CrossFit and have started the weightlifting. Yet, I don't think I'm even close to athlete status... I actually think I'm pretty lazy about it and that I'm just a normal person who exercises (if that). In fact, this is one of my absolute favorite t-shirts (which I actually wore today):

Isn't that friggin awesome?? I love it! Of course, in my case it's my old fat self chasing my new self. But whatever.

Speaking of my old fat self... So these weightlifting competitions require a weigh in. I totally understand it. BUT REALLY?!? I don't want to fucking get on a scale in front of someone!!! It's hard enough for me to look at my scale at home because it's so disappointing. But to have to do it in front of someone else?? It's enough to make a fat girl cry!!!

Blah.

Jonesing for a Fix

I woke up this morning and one of the first things that crossed my mind was that I needed a "hit" before I going to CrossFit and I was all out of my current addiction. I looked in my purse... No cash to get some. Then I saw it... my daughter's change purse. I raided my daughter's change purse for... I'm so ashamed to admit this... money for a diet coke. (Note that I didn't say Diet Coke. When you're from the South, it's all "coke" no matter what it really is.) I stopped at the vending machine outside of the grocery store.. it was out of order. I said a few choice words as I drove off (and on to get coffee rather than my beloved diet coke).

I'm sitting here now writing with a Diet Dr. Pepper by my side and all is right in the world. Except... Now that I've gotten my fix and I can think rationally again... Diet drinks are sooooo bad for you!!!

Of course, my other addiction isn't so bad! Oh CrossFit, how I love thee. Except... I have a confession. I've been disappointed by CF twice in the last week and it makes me incredibly sad.

The other day, the CrossFit Headquarters posted a story from an affiliate in California. Take a sec to read it then move onto my rant.

Perhaps it was poorly written and I misunderstood. But I do not see ANYTHING inspirational about this story. The man is a cop and got into a fight while on duty and his arm was broken. He did 91 burpees... whoop dee fucking doo! Obviously we don't know the details of the fight. But the dude got into a fight while on duty!! There's no honor in that!!

If you read some of the responses, you'll see one from him: Good luck to everyone signed for the open and drink more tequila!

Hmmmmmmm..... Maybe I'm being judgmental... I'm known to do that. But I think given the info we have... probably not a stand up guy. That's not to say that if you enjoy a few drinks you're a bad person! Just made me wonder if it all tied in together.



And #2. The WOD for week 2 of the Open (Workout 12.2). Ugh. I first read it and thought it would be a terrible thing to try and hurt my shoulder. (And I know I can't be the only one who can't do these well, so others would be getting hurt, too.. Right?) Then I thought about it more and figured that it didn't matter how many reps I got in really, but just to give it a shot. But something kept nagging at me, so I asked my lifting coach. He's not a big CF fan but he's an intelligent guy. I think that if I were to ask my CF coaches they would believe the same thing. Never in our programming have we had something that could possibly injure us, but I know there are WODs out there that could.

Anyway, his response was this:

The Open WOD 12.2: the snatch and clean & jerk were never meant for this type of scenario. Keeping form for that many reps is difficult even for accomplished oly lifters. Once you get out of synch with your form, bad things can happen.

I sometimes wonder if the CF gods realize that they are ethically committed to not expose their athletes to too much danger. This workout is an injury waiting to happen.

So. My first instinct was right. Then why do I feel like a failure for not even trying to do this?? Will my super awesome little spitfire CF coach be disappointed in me?? I must point out that he didn't say, "don't do it!" He could've. I would've listened. But noooo. He's making me be a big girl and make my own decisions. What fun is that?!? I hate making decisions!! And I hate being put in a position where I'll be judged for my decisions, too. Already a pain in my ass and we haven't been working together for long at all! Oy!

(**I told him the other day that I talk trash about him on my blog. Seeing as how this isn't hidden or anything, I figured I needed to get some in there in case he finds it!**)

Well. I'm out of Dr. P and sad now. Why did I not get the 2 liter?!? WHY?! I have been saying, "just this last time" about my little 20oz bottles (daily) for weeks now and none of them have been the last. Today was the beginning of a new month... a fresh start. And still, I couldn't go without. All because of that stupid mud at my son's school. If I'd never gotten stuck in the mud, I'd never have let myself get that Diet Coke that day after fixing my mess... It's all because of the mud.