Stuck in My Head

Self Discovery

I don't know how to link these two topics together, so there will be a Part A and Part B. I could just wait to write about one or the other, but I don't want to. And two separate posts seems silly. 

Part A - Paleo Update

One reason I started the whole Paleo thing was to learn about how my body reacts to different foods, right? Well I've learned a couple of things I didn't expect to find out. 

- I have a "sensitivity" to peanuts. I'll spare you the details. But unless that particular batch of peanuts had some nasty germs or something in them, I think it's safe to say it's a sensitivity. The hubby and kids ate them with no problems, so I'm assuming they were fine. My body revolted. 

- I think I have a sensitivity to shrimp, too... A few years ago I discovered that I am allergic to lobster. I break out into a rash and itch like a mother f-er. Everyone has asked if I'm allergic to shrimp. Until now, I've never had a problem. Growing up by the Gulf, shrimp was always around. Yum! But this week.. Lord. My entire body itches. I thought maybe it was dry skin, but I've slathered lotion and it doesn't help. I told the hubby about it and immediately he suggested the shrimp I'd eaten. Nothing else I'd eaten that day or the day before could've been the culprit. And the rash looks just like the one I get with lobster. So.. I'm assuming it was the shrimp. Goody. 

- I don't crave non Paleo foods as much as I expected I would. Basically, if it's yummy, I'm good! I'd been off of pasta for a couple of years anyway, so that was no biggie. Potatoes, too. I think those would've been the hardest for me. I will admit that I eat popcorn. Besides chocolate, it's about the only cheat I think I have. Oh. Diet sodas. Lord, I love Diet Coke. And Diet Dr. Pepper. It's addicting. I'm trying hard to stay away, but the extra caffeine jolt around noon is soooo nice when I've been awake since 4:30. Maybe I can try going back to coffee. 

Part B - What Made Me Say That??

Periodically, I find myself in a position where I ask myself, "OMG. WHY did I tell ____ all of that?!?" It's always to a person I really like and am in the process of getting to know. So while I was lying (laying?) in bed at 4am (thanks to the little one wanting  milk), I was thinking about it. 

When I was growing up, I was told not to ask people personal questions. I was told that it was rude and I shouldn't be nosy. After meeting my friend Deb a few years ago, I realized how untrue that is! I like when people as me questions.. And people like when they are asked about themselves--usually. Deb has this amazing ability to make people feel special and part of that is that she is truly interested in getting to know people. She's awesome in so many ways, but that's a major one. 

I try to ask people questions, but feel very awkward. I hear my grandmother's voice telling me to not be so rude and I'm not able to ask more than a little of what I want to know. So to make up for that, I tell people something about me. It's not a very effective tool. I end up telling people too much or telling them something they don't want to know about me or whatever, when really all I'm trying to do is open a door for them to tell me something about them. I seriously lack social skills sometimes. So if you're reading this, know that I'm not trying to talk about myself all the time. Know that I'm sharing something with you so that you'll share something with me. And when I ask a question and it seems trite, it's because I don't want to be too nosy. In reality, I'm dying to get to know you better!

Part C - Bonus!

I thoroughly enjoyed my workout today. Not that it was easy by any means! But I had fun(ish)! As much fun as you can have when getting your ass handed to you, but it was so nice to have that feeling again!! I wasn't the fastest. I wasn't the slowest. I didn't lift the most. I didn't lift the least. Honestly, I don't even remember what other people did. I just know I did my best and focused on doing well. 

Today I'm going to practice some more at home. It's been forever since I've done that (minus yesterday). I'm still going to be too hard on myself. And I'm still going to suck at things. But it's nice to want to do better again! Go me!

Others Feel It Too

A friend pointed me to the blog Hyperbole and a Half, so I headed over to check it out. The latest blog entry was written in October of last year. The previous stuff is pretty funny, but that last post made me bawl like a baby. So much for my no crying streak.

Adventures in Depression basically goes over her state of depression. I would say that I could've written that, but that would be a lie. She has the ability to make some humor out of it while I do not. But the context is all too familiar. The state of my house proves it, too. I should be cleaning, but I've chosen instead to sit my ass on the floor and blog. We have no desk. And no laptop (I killed the last one 3 days after it was fixed). I have to adjust my feet every few minutes because they keep falling asleep, but I still choose this over cleaning. Not that I like cleaning when I'm not depressed. But I do enjoy a house that doesn't look like a tornado went through it.

I have to leave in 20min to pick up the kids, then it's back home to make dinner.. You know, that meal you're supposed to feed your family. The one I've neglected for too long. (I feed my children, I promise. Not my husband, but I do make sure my kids are fed. It's just not a proper meal.) I promised spaghetti and meatballs tonight. It counts that I bought the stuff to make the meatballs, right? Not sure if we have the spaghetti stuff though, which could be a problem. (No worries, I'm not eating the spaghetti.. I'll have meatballs and veggies.) I shouldn't have promised.

Sometimes I wonder if I should've become a mother. I don't feel that it's fair to my kids to have a mom who can barely keep her head above the water most of the time (figuratively and literally... ha!) But selfishly, I'm glad I have them. As crazy as they make me, I wonder what I would be like if I didn't have them. They make me have to get out of bed each day.

Anyway, instead of cleaning, I think I'm going to go practice standing on my head. Like, literally. You should try it. It's fun.

On The Mend. I Think.

I haven't cried in a few days. The only time I've gotten teary is when a friend questioned me yesterday about what's wrong. But other than that, I've been OK. I still feel sad, but I also know that I can't expect things to change overnight.

Yesterday I was super anxious about swim lessons but not upset, if that makes sense. This morning, I was super tired so my workout wasn't as great as it could've been, but I was trying to focus on form and stuff, which tells me I'm interested in improving again.

When I said it doesn't matter if I get better... I was just trying to fool myself. It does matter to me. I like getting better. I like being able to do things I've never been able to do.

So I guess I am getting my spark back.

That Was Humbling

I didn't drown, so that's a positive. I also didn't see anyone I know, so that's another. And the people in the class seem nice. There! Three positive things before I say how bad that fucking SUCKED!!

That was horrible!! I didn't throw up beforehand, but I did gag once or twice. The teacher seems OK, I guess. But he doesn't really get the whole adults learning to swim thing.

I think the worst part of it, besides being in the water, was the fact that we will be having our lesson each week beside a fucking scuba class. Seriously?! Who was the awesome person who did that?? Sheesh.

Anyway. Back again next week. Woot.

The Ability To Swim Is Overrated

Isn't it? I think it is. We live in Kansas. We don't live near the beach anymore. It doesn't matter if I can swim or not. Right???

Lessons start in just over an hour and I feel like hurling.

Not Going Down Without A Fight

Pardon my language, but this is just fucking bullshit. I may still feel teary and may not feel back to my normal self for a few weeks, but these feelings are complete bullshit and go against everything I tell people they should be.

I registered for the fundraiser. I may suck, but I'm doing it. Do I want to right now? No. But deep down I really do. Plus, it's for a good cause.

I hope I feel better sooner rather than later. I don't like being like this. In the meantime, I'm going to try my damnedest to fight through it. There will be more tears (there are as I'm writing this). But that's ok. I'll come out ok. I'll come out more than ok. It's a shame I need medication to feel like a normal human being, but it's not the end of the world. (Right now I'm thankful that I take 2 because I think the other one is what's keeping me afloat.)

I appreciate all the words of encouragement from so many. Especially those who know that this really isn't me. It's appreciated much more than you realize.