Others Feel It Too

A friend pointed me to the blog Hyperbole and a Half, so I headed over to check it out. The latest blog entry was written in October of last year. The previous stuff is pretty funny, but that last post made me bawl like a baby. So much for my no crying streak.

Adventures in Depression basically goes over her state of depression. I would say that I could've written that, but that would be a lie. She has the ability to make some humor out of it while I do not. But the context is all too familiar. The state of my house proves it, too. I should be cleaning, but I've chosen instead to sit my ass on the floor and blog. We have no desk. And no laptop (I killed the last one 3 days after it was fixed). I have to adjust my feet every few minutes because they keep falling asleep, but I still choose this over cleaning. Not that I like cleaning when I'm not depressed. But I do enjoy a house that doesn't look like a tornado went through it.

I have to leave in 20min to pick up the kids, then it's back home to make dinner.. You know, that meal you're supposed to feed your family. The one I've neglected for too long. (I feed my children, I promise. Not my husband, but I do make sure my kids are fed. It's just not a proper meal.) I promised spaghetti and meatballs tonight. It counts that I bought the stuff to make the meatballs, right? Not sure if we have the spaghetti stuff though, which could be a problem. (No worries, I'm not eating the spaghetti.. I'll have meatballs and veggies.) I shouldn't have promised.

Sometimes I wonder if I should've become a mother. I don't feel that it's fair to my kids to have a mom who can barely keep her head above the water most of the time (figuratively and literally... ha!) But selfishly, I'm glad I have them. As crazy as they make me, I wonder what I would be like if I didn't have them. They make me have to get out of bed each day.

Anyway, instead of cleaning, I think I'm going to go practice standing on my head. Like, literally. You should try it. It's fun.

On The Mend. I Think.

I haven't cried in a few days. The only time I've gotten teary is when a friend questioned me yesterday about what's wrong. But other than that, I've been OK. I still feel sad, but I also know that I can't expect things to change overnight.

Yesterday I was super anxious about swim lessons but not upset, if that makes sense. This morning, I was super tired so my workout wasn't as great as it could've been, but I was trying to focus on form and stuff, which tells me I'm interested in improving again.

When I said it doesn't matter if I get better... I was just trying to fool myself. It does matter to me. I like getting better. I like being able to do things I've never been able to do.

So I guess I am getting my spark back.

That Was Humbling

I didn't drown, so that's a positive. I also didn't see anyone I know, so that's another. And the people in the class seem nice. There! Three positive things before I say how bad that fucking SUCKED!!

That was horrible!! I didn't throw up beforehand, but I did gag once or twice. The teacher seems OK, I guess. But he doesn't really get the whole adults learning to swim thing.

I think the worst part of it, besides being in the water, was the fact that we will be having our lesson each week beside a fucking scuba class. Seriously?! Who was the awesome person who did that?? Sheesh.

Anyway. Back again next week. Woot.

The Ability To Swim Is Overrated

Isn't it? I think it is. We live in Kansas. We don't live near the beach anymore. It doesn't matter if I can swim or not. Right???

Lessons start in just over an hour and I feel like hurling.

Not Going Down Without A Fight

Pardon my language, but this is just fucking bullshit. I may still feel teary and may not feel back to my normal self for a few weeks, but these feelings are complete bullshit and go against everything I tell people they should be.

I registered for the fundraiser. I may suck, but I'm doing it. Do I want to right now? No. But deep down I really do. Plus, it's for a good cause.

I hope I feel better sooner rather than later. I don't like being like this. In the meantime, I'm going to try my damnedest to fight through it. There will be more tears (there are as I'm writing this). But that's ok. I'll come out ok. I'll come out more than ok. It's a shame I need medication to feel like a normal human being, but it's not the end of the world. (Right now I'm thankful that I take 2 because I think the other one is what's keeping me afloat.)

I appreciate all the words of encouragement from so many. Especially those who know that this really isn't me. It's appreciated much more than you realize.

I'M NOT CRAZY!!!

OK, so I AM crazy, but this loopy crying business is NOT ME!!

At first I thought I was being all paranoid... My parents are super paranoid people and I'm pretty sensitive to conspiracy theories and stuff. But. I found an old email that I'd written to a friend about one of my medications. I mentioned that I'd started a new Rx (in generic) from a different pharmacy and how I thought it was not working. I'm currently taking the same one as then!

No wonder I'm such a mess!! I've found several articles online about a few different generic manufacturers of this particular medication and how they suck. It's a time release thing and several of the generics don't do it properly.

But I just switched pharmacies (to one that carries one of the better generic brands)! Maybe soon I won't be so jacked in the head!!!

Fake It Till You Make It

I'm currently in "fake it till you make it" mode. I guess it's better than "I totally give up" mode, which is really where I feel like being. Actually, I feel like being in my bed and sleeping my blues away. But that is not an option today.

Trying to think of some positive things to write about is hard. Yesterday I ate like complete shit, so today I'm having to get back on track. And, of course, it's pizza and Wipe Out night tonight.

I'm trying to figure out ways to get my mojo back. This month there's a fundraiser at CrossFit that I'm thinking about doing. I can't decide. My confidence is wavering. On one hand, why the hell not? It can be modified. And even if I suck, at least I'll have tried, right?? But then, I don't want to look like a complete dumbass in front of a bunch of people!! I can easily just hand over some cash and help out. There's also the CrossFit Open that's starting. The ONLY interest I have in it is seeing how I have improved by this time next year. But then, my daily WODs can tell me that and I don't have to look stupid in front of others.

WHERE IS MY COURAGE?!? Monday I begin my swim lessons. Unless I decide not to do it. I'm having problems finding a bathing suit. Go figure. Not that it's that big of a deal. I just don't want to do it. But here again I have to fake it because if I don't I know it'll be worse in the long run.

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I feel like I've really let a lot of people down by being so discouraged lately. I know people look up to me for some reason and I feel like I'm going to rub off on them. Hopefully not. And hopefully the fact that I'm still sticking with it despite wanting to quit is encouraging enough for them right now. (Oh, and that even though I ate like crap yesterday, it's not a big deal as long as it's not a normal thing.)