Pardon my language, but this is just fucking bullshit. I may still feel teary and may not feel back to my normal self for a few weeks, but these feelings are complete bullshit and go against everything I tell people they should be.
I registered for the fundraiser. I may suck, but I'm doing it. Do I want to right now? No. But deep down I really do. Plus, it's for a good cause.
I hope I feel better sooner rather than later. I don't like being like this. In the meantime, I'm going to try my damnedest to fight through it. There will be more tears (there are as I'm writing this). But that's ok. I'll come out ok. I'll come out more than ok. It's a shame I need medication to feel like a normal human being, but it's not the end of the world. (Right now I'm thankful that I take 2 because I think the other one is what's keeping me afloat.)
I appreciate all the words of encouragement from so many. Especially those who know that this really isn't me. It's appreciated much more than you realize.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Friday, February 3, 2012
I'M NOT CRAZY!!!
OK, so I AM crazy, but this loopy crying business is NOT ME!!
At first I thought I was being all paranoid... My parents are super paranoid people and I'm pretty sensitive to conspiracy theories and stuff. But. I found an old email that I'd written to a friend about one of my medications. I mentioned that I'd started a new Rx (in generic) from a different pharmacy and how I thought it was not working. I'm currently taking the same one as then!
No wonder I'm such a mess!! I've found several articles online about a few different generic manufacturers of this particular medication and how they suck. It's a time release thing and several of the generics don't do it properly.
But I just switched pharmacies (to one that carries one of the better generic brands)! Maybe soon I won't be so jacked in the head!!!
At first I thought I was being all paranoid... My parents are super paranoid people and I'm pretty sensitive to conspiracy theories and stuff. But. I found an old email that I'd written to a friend about one of my medications. I mentioned that I'd started a new Rx (in generic) from a different pharmacy and how I thought it was not working. I'm currently taking the same one as then!
No wonder I'm such a mess!! I've found several articles online about a few different generic manufacturers of this particular medication and how they suck. It's a time release thing and several of the generics don't do it properly.
But I just switched pharmacies (to one that carries one of the better generic brands)! Maybe soon I won't be so jacked in the head!!!
Fake It Till You Make It
I'm currently in "fake it till you make it" mode. I guess it's better than "I totally give up" mode, which is really where I feel like being. Actually, I feel like being in my bed and sleeping my blues away. But that is not an option today.
Trying to think of some positive things to write about is hard. Yesterday I ate like complete shit, so today I'm having to get back on track. And, of course, it's pizza and Wipe Out night tonight.
I'm trying to figure out ways to get my mojo back. This month there's a fundraiser at CrossFit that I'm thinking about doing. I can't decide. My confidence is wavering. On one hand, why the hell not? It can be modified. And even if I suck, at least I'll have tried, right?? But then, I don't want to look like a complete dumbass in front of a bunch of people!! I can easily just hand over some cash and help out. There's also the CrossFit Open that's starting. The ONLY interest I have in it is seeing how I have improved by this time next year. But then, my daily WODs can tell me that and I don't have to look stupid in front of others.
WHERE IS MY COURAGE?!? Monday I begin my swim lessons. Unless I decide not to do it. I'm having problems finding a bathing suit. Go figure. Not that it's that big of a deal. I just don't want to do it. But here again I have to fake it because if I don't I know it'll be worse in the long run.
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I feel like I've really let a lot of people down by being so discouraged lately. I know people look up to me for some reason and I feel like I'm going to rub off on them. Hopefully not. And hopefully the fact that I'm still sticking with it despite wanting to quit is encouraging enough for them right now. (Oh, and that even though I ate like crap yesterday, it's not a big deal as long as it's not a normal thing.)
Thursday, February 2, 2012
It's Just A Workout
There is absolutely no reason I need to be investing so much energy into being upset with my performance in CrossFit. I've shed way too many tears for what is really just a workout.
I'm not competing in any contests or competitions. I joined because I wanted to change things up and get a good workout. As long as I'm doing that, it really shouldn't matter how quickly I'm progressing, or if I'm progressing at all.
If I have a shitty night of sleep, it's okay to skip a day. I don't HAVE to go every single day. It's not worth it to do a workout that's just going to bring me down because I can't do it that well.
I need to devote less time and energy into CrossFit (rather, worrying about it) and more into my family and what will come next for us. Am I going to quit? No. At least not right now. I don't know what the future holds. (Interestingly, for someone who doesn't want to listen to anything about it, my husband also doesn't want me to quit. Go figure.) But I need to regroup and realize that it really is only a workout and nothing more. I don't have to work on things at home... I can leave it at the box and be done with it by 7am each day.
Having said that, I'm going to totally kill my diet today since the scale is moving up again anyway. I do not condone emotional eating. But I love to bake and it makes me feel better, so I'm going to bake. And if I want to eat it, I will. (Duh, of course I'll eat it!)
Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll have an attitude change back to how I was... I have an appointment on Tuesday with my doctor to review my medications and hopefully adjust them somehow, whether it's upping my current dosages or changing. We'll see what that does for my spirits!!
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My inner badass is SCREAMING at me right now for being so fucking whiny and talking about giving up!!
I'm not competing in any contests or competitions. I joined because I wanted to change things up and get a good workout. As long as I'm doing that, it really shouldn't matter how quickly I'm progressing, or if I'm progressing at all.
If I have a shitty night of sleep, it's okay to skip a day. I don't HAVE to go every single day. It's not worth it to do a workout that's just going to bring me down because I can't do it that well.
I need to devote less time and energy into CrossFit (rather, worrying about it) and more into my family and what will come next for us. Am I going to quit? No. At least not right now. I don't know what the future holds. (Interestingly, for someone who doesn't want to listen to anything about it, my husband also doesn't want me to quit. Go figure.) But I need to regroup and realize that it really is only a workout and nothing more. I don't have to work on things at home... I can leave it at the box and be done with it by 7am each day.
Having said that, I'm going to totally kill my diet today since the scale is moving up again anyway. I do not condone emotional eating. But I love to bake and it makes me feel better, so I'm going to bake. And if I want to eat it, I will. (Duh, of course I'll eat it!)
Maybe in a couple of weeks I'll have an attitude change back to how I was... I have an appointment on Tuesday with my doctor to review my medications and hopefully adjust them somehow, whether it's upping my current dosages or changing. We'll see what that does for my spirits!!
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.
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My inner badass is SCREAMING at me right now for being so fucking whiny and talking about giving up!!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Patience Is A Virtue
I am not a patient person when it comes to improving myself. For the most part, I'm pretty patient with other people (including my crazy kids). But when it comes to myself... forget it. I expect things to come easily to me and when they don't, I get frustrated. I have absolutely NO basis to think that about exercise, but I do for some reason. Fortunately, I have some (one particularly) super awesome people (person) in my life to help me not get discouraged. Or to talk me down when I do.
The problem is that I don't just want to be better, I want to be GOOD. I can handle for not great since that's not even possible. But I'd like to be decent. I like being good at things. What's the point in doing something if you're not even good at it?? I've been doing CrossFit for 5 months now and I'm not really sure how close I am to being decent. Not close, for sure.
Yesterday I was ready to quit. I had a blog post up (and quickly deleted) and an email composed to my CF coach. I deleted that, too, but confessed to her later what was going on. (Insert peptalk.)
I'm not really ready to give up, I guess. I've come a long way in 5 months. So while I may not be good, I'm improving still and that counts for something.
I was told once that people tend to peak at about 6mo into CrossFit and that's kind of haunted me.. but logically, if I keep working at it, I could be an exception to that. I like being the exception.
The problem is that I don't just want to be better, I want to be GOOD. I can handle for not great since that's not even possible. But I'd like to be decent. I like being good at things. What's the point in doing something if you're not even good at it?? I've been doing CrossFit for 5 months now and I'm not really sure how close I am to being decent. Not close, for sure.
Yesterday I was ready to quit. I had a blog post up (and quickly deleted) and an email composed to my CF coach. I deleted that, too, but confessed to her later what was going on. (Insert peptalk.)
I'm not really ready to give up, I guess. I've come a long way in 5 months. So while I may not be good, I'm improving still and that counts for something.
I was told once that people tend to peak at about 6mo into CrossFit and that's kind of haunted me.. but logically, if I keep working at it, I could be an exception to that. I like being the exception.
Monday, January 30, 2012
10 Positive Things
I complain. A LOT. So today I'm trying to be positive. It's not going so well and it's only 9am. In hopes of getting rid of the Negative Nelly attitude, I'm going to list 10 positive things about myself. The goal is to ONLY be positive, no buts allowed. And nothing wishy-washy positive! Be patient with me... It's going to be hard!
1. I'm in way better shape than I have ever been, even when I was working out 2+ hours a day and running to/from the gym.
2. I did not inherit the douchebag gene that apparently runs in my family.
3. I am a mostly nice person and genuinely care about people.
4. I can make cool things.
5. I don't give up easily.
6. I'm working really hard to become a better person in every aspect of my life. Some days are better than others, but I keep plugging along because being better feels great.
7. I believe in people.
8. I believe in myself. Despite the haunting thoughts that go through my head, I really do. Mostly.
9. I'm pretty goofy. Yes, this is a good thing! I love being goofy!
10. I think I'm funny. Others may or may not, but I crack myself up. And that counts to me!
1. I'm in way better shape than I have ever been, even when I was working out 2+ hours a day and running to/from the gym.
2. I did not inherit the douchebag gene that apparently runs in my family.
3. I am a mostly nice person and genuinely care about people.
4. I can make cool things.
5. I don't give up easily.
6. I'm working really hard to become a better person in every aspect of my life. Some days are better than others, but I keep plugging along because being better feels great.
7. I believe in people.
8. I believe in myself. Despite the haunting thoughts that go through my head, I really do. Mostly.
9. I'm pretty goofy. Yes, this is a good thing! I love being goofy!
10. I think I'm funny. Others may or may not, but I crack myself up. And that counts to me!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Get Over It!
Yesterday's Team WOD totally got the best of me and I don't even really know why. I've ALWAYS had to modify things I do at CrossFit. Like, everything almost. I walked in yesterday with confidence, but wasn't thinking it wouldn't be hard or that I wouldn't struggle. It's always hard. I always struggle. The people were awesome, as always. No one there is ever anything but great. No one ever even suggests that I shouldn't be there. So why do I feel like I shouldn't??
A lady who I've met one other time before yesterday (and who I didn't even talk to last time) came up to me afterward and told me that I should be so hard on myself. WHAT?!? I laughed. What else could I do?? It was so absurdly true that I couldn't do anything but laugh. I'm way too easy for people to read, apparently.
No details, but when I got home those feelings were just compounded and my day continued to take a dive as far as my confidence was concerned. I cried way too much yesterday. Usually a nap helps, but yesterday it didn't. (Probably because I fell asleep for 2.5 seconds before the kids woke me up.)
I'm waiting for that "AHA!" moment when I figure out why I'm so hard on myself... Then I can get over it. It's hard to get over something when you don't know what it is you're supposed to be getting over!
I don't want to go to CF tomorrow. Yesterday I contemplated taking a week off. Obviously that's not an option, nor is not going tomorrow. If it's one thing I've learned, when I'm in a funk I CANNOT let it keep me from my routine. Otherwise, things will just get worse.
I'm such a whiny pain in the ass. But I'm not a quitter. That should make up for a little of the whining, right??
The thing is, despite my post from yesterday, I actually enjoy being able to do these physical things (or enjoy trying to). And as I've said before, it does make me feel stronger/better when I finally can do something. I think I feel the spark coming back. I think. Not much, and obviously not enough to really be sure, but hopefully I'll really feel it soon. I need this. I don't know why I need CF, but I do. It's been great for me so far and I can't let a little bit (or a lot) of self doubt get in my way.
A lady who I've met one other time before yesterday (and who I didn't even talk to last time) came up to me afterward and told me that I should be so hard on myself. WHAT?!? I laughed. What else could I do?? It was so absurdly true that I couldn't do anything but laugh. I'm way too easy for people to read, apparently.
No details, but when I got home those feelings were just compounded and my day continued to take a dive as far as my confidence was concerned. I cried way too much yesterday. Usually a nap helps, but yesterday it didn't. (Probably because I fell asleep for 2.5 seconds before the kids woke me up.)
I'm waiting for that "AHA!" moment when I figure out why I'm so hard on myself... Then I can get over it. It's hard to get over something when you don't know what it is you're supposed to be getting over!
I don't want to go to CF tomorrow. Yesterday I contemplated taking a week off. Obviously that's not an option, nor is not going tomorrow. If it's one thing I've learned, when I'm in a funk I CANNOT let it keep me from my routine. Otherwise, things will just get worse.
I'm such a whiny pain in the ass. But I'm not a quitter. That should make up for a little of the whining, right??
The thing is, despite my post from yesterday, I actually enjoy being able to do these physical things (or enjoy trying to). And as I've said before, it does make me feel stronger/better when I finally can do something. I think I feel the spark coming back. I think. Not much, and obviously not enough to really be sure, but hopefully I'll really feel it soon. I need this. I don't know why I need CF, but I do. It's been great for me so far and I can't let a little bit (or a lot) of self doubt get in my way.
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